Family Inheritance (and little mirrors)

My three-year-old came to me one day with a toy in her hand. 

"Mom, this is broken," she said.

Then she shrugged her shoulders in the cutest way and said, "Oh well!"

The following day, she spilled some water, and again shrugged her shoulders with a nonchalant "Oh well!"

Then I realized, she had learned it from me! I must say "Oh well" a lot!

But then there was the time when I heard one of my older girls yelling from the other side of the house.

"You ruined it! Why did you do that?"

I was sure one of the younger children was the culprit.

I took care of the situation, but not without recognizing that my daughter's angry reaction was a mirror of my own reactions sometimes. How many times have I responded by yelling when a child drew on the wall, tore a page from a book, or (gasp!) cut a sibling's hair? How often have I lost my patience over small issues, or grumbled about a chore, or spoke unkindly about someone?

This was a wake-up call for me.

I am now very much aware that I am being watched. My children will not pick up ALL my bad habits (my prayer is that they don't!) but I could certainly work on making changes in my life so that they can mirror my GOOD habits more. 

My baby said his first word not too long ago. 

"Uh-oh!" he would cry out as he dropped a cup or toy to the floor.

Hmmm…. I wonder who he learned that from….

There is much that we can pass onto our children… our family's china, our freckles, our photo albums. Let's not make our bad character traits a part of our family inheritance.

Running the Parenting Marathon

My husband brought home a book and left it on the counter.

"Parenting Today's Adolescents", the title read.

Oh yeah, it's time, I thought. My oldest turns 12 in less than a month.

I turned the book over to look at the back cover and I saw a photo of the authors, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, with their six children.

Six children. Six teenagers.

I couldn't wait to read what Dennis and Barbara had to say.

I have heard so much about the "teenage" years: how girls get dramatic and emotional and boys grow more angry and withdrawn. I imagine it to be like running a marathon for six to seven years. And I've never run in a marathon. Or more than two miles. I don't even like jogging. Part of me wants to give up before I even start.

But there's no avoiding it. My choice is to bumble along, flying by the seat of my pants, and just cross my fingers hoping that my children will turn out "all right", or prepare myself through humble prayer and learn from those who have gone before me. The Raineys have been running this marathon for MORE than seven years. They know what the terrain is like. They know about the cramps, the scrapes, the obstacles, the exhaustion, and the desire to quit. I need to "train" with them.

Besides parenting six teenagers, Dennis and Barbara Rainey taught six-grade Sunday School for 11 years! Their book gives insight on how preadolescent and adolescent minds think, as well as practical advice on how parents can guide their children through those years of uncertainty. Here are some gems from the book:

[On ages 10-12] A preteen in this zone is still largely unstained by temptations and evil. Hormonally speaking, the child is not yet experiencing the confusing signals the body will soon send his way. For the most part, he will still listen to what his parents have to say. During this zone parents need to seize the opportunity to do two things: First, mom and dad must secure the relationship with the child. Second, they need to aggressively begin to shape the child's convictions before adolescence hits in full force. (page 20)

[On ages 17-19] Our goal is to release the child slowly, so that by the last semester of his senior year in high school, he is free of many of the restrictions of his earlier teen years. We have felt it was better to release these older teens bit by bit while they are still at home. Then as they make mistakes, we are still there to coach, encourage, and then correct. Releasing a child does not mean you stop being the protector, provider, and parent. (page 22)

[On relationship] Try teaching truth without a relationship with your child. It produces rebellion. Similarly, relationships without truth can result in a self-indulgent teen, one who is spoiled. (page 38)

[On peer pressure]  A big wave of testing hits in the first two years of junior high– when your child is most insecure. Psychologist David Anderegg wrote, "The peak of conformity comes at around age 13. At this age, there's nothing more important to a child than being just like everyone else– normal." (page 57)

[On parenting standards] We are amazed at how many moms and dad have never had a focused conversation on what the specific boundaries and standards will be for their child during the preadolescent and teen years… One Sunday over half the class of sixty eleven- and twelve-year-olds admitted that they had viewed an R-rated movie in the last three months. Many watched the movie with their parents. Have you and your spouse talked about dating, driving, jobs, grades, curfews, friends, and after school activities? The list seems endless at time. We promise this: If you don't nail down your own convictions ahead to time, your teenager and his peer group will establish their own! (page 31)

And to sum up, "The best parenting is proactive, not reactive." (page 34)

There are chapters devoted solely to hot topics such as sex, appearance, unresolved anger, busyness, the tongue, mediocrity, and false gods. The authors don't just go with the flow. They never say things like "dating is like this now, so this is how you survive it." No, they raise the bar, because, again, the best parenting is proactive, not reactive! They say that junior highers and high schoolers should NOT DATE exclusively. They tell you to not only censor what media enters your house, but to stop it all together if needed (unplug the TV, cancel the magazine subscription, etc). I could go on and on, but maybe I should just say, "Pick up this book", and let the Raineys do the talking!

One more thing: the Raineys believe strongly that parents cannot succeed without knowing their own convictions first. How can parents guide their children if they themselves don't have a firm foundation and a steady guide? How can they pass on convictions, if they don't have any? It's not too late to start evaluating where you stand on certain issues. Write down what freedoms your teenager will start with, and how they can earn more as they grow more responsible. Talk to your spouse and decide TOGETHER what the boundaries will be. And lastly, if you are a single mom or dad, the Raineys address you too. They know that single parents have different hardships, and that sometimes, single parents just want a break. The Raineys hope to offer single parents of teenagers extra support and encouragement.

Parents, whether or not we realize this, we have been running the parenting marathon… through pregnancy, labor, toddlerhood, and childhood. It is not easy. It is tiring, weary, discouraging work. But let us do all we can to prepare ourselves to have the endurance and strength to keep running, and to finish strong!

With No Regrets

I was cooking dinner when my husband wandered into the kitchen. I was suddenly overwhelmed by my gratitude for this man in my life: my partner, my best friend, my greatest support. Without hesitation, I grabbed him in a bear hug and whispered to him, "I love you. I am so thankful for you."

We held each other for a long moment before he asked quietly, "What brought that on?"

I had no answer.

Maybe it was because we had just celebrated our anniversary on the 13th. Or that we had had some good talks over the past week. Or that he had been so helpful the past few days, when our five-year-old had been especially obstinate.

But I, with tears running down my cheeks, could only say, "You are an amazing husband. I don't know what I'd do without you. And when you die, whenever that is, I'll miss you, but at least you'll know that I am grateful for you. I won't have any regrets."

And I know I am saying that in all sincerity. My husband and I have made a habit of being quick to forgive and quick to apologize. We strive to use our words to build each other up, and to love the other as best as we are able. Though there have been plenty of times when we have not been the best spouses, at home and in public, our goal is always to mend the relationship as quickly as possible. Yes, we do take the verse "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26)" quite literally. And that is how I know that when the day comes for us to part, we can do so with no regrets.

How are the closest relationships in your life? Do any need mending? Is there someone whom you need to forgive? To apologize to? Imagine if that person were to die tomorrow, would you have any regrets that you didn't talk to him/her today?

Designed by God

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a ballerina, a doctor, and an Olympic runner. But because of my family's lack of extra funds, I wasn't able to take dancing classes. My parents invested every extra penny into piano lessons because they knew someday I could serve the church with this skill.

That didn't stop me from dreaming though. I thought surely someday someone would notice my record-breaking speed or my perfect ballerina toes. I would go to school and become a great doctor. And because I had the desire, surely, I could accomplish whatever I wanted.

Fast forward ten years.

I still believed that I could become whatever I wanted. My driven, perfectionist personality told me so. And so did my culture. This was America after all, the land where dreams come true, if one works hard enough.

Then I signed up for a dance class, something I had wanted to do for years. 

Yes, now all my suppressed natural talent will burst forth! I thought.

Boy, was I wrong.

I had very little flexibility. I had even less grace. I did all the right moves at the right time, but compared to the teacher, I was a bumbling giant. And I was disappointed, because I had believed all along that all I needed was the desire and the opportunity. With time, I could have improved. But I still lacked something, something that I had been lacking since birth. My body was not built for dancing.

Even if my family had had all the money in the world, I could never be a ballerina, a doctor, or Olympic runner. I don't have the mind to handle the understanding and knowledge needed to be a doctor. Nor is my personality suited for the physical discipline needed to become an athlete. I could try my hardest, and still not achieve those goals, because God didn't design me that way. He put in me the dexterity to play the piano, the brain power to quickly understand written music, and the desire to be creative and artistic. I am so thankful my parents saw that in me and encouraged me through the years to keep pursuing music!

I am watching my children now as they mature. The more I watch, the more I see of their personalities. They are each so unique! One daughter has an natural sense of design. Another loves to craft. One son is a drummer and another an actor. If one day one of my children expresses a desire to become a surgeon but doesn't have the aptitude for science and precision, I would be lying if I told my child that all dreams can be achieved with perseverance and time.

Parents, are we doing our children a disservice by telling them, "You can be whatever you want to be"? It's a popular theme in children's movies (think 'Planes' and 'Turbo'); it is most definitely the mantra of the American culture. Wouldn't it be better to tell our children, "God designed you. He has a purpose for you. Chase the dream He has for you!"?

What is the life God has intended for your children?

No More Lego Store

In my last post I talked a little about how men think differently than women about sex. Now let's talk about how current trends are not helping men.

A few months back, I took my children to the mall. I had one short errand to run in one of the larger stores, so I thought it would be fun to let the children ride on the escalators  once or twice (we're easily amused). Then the kids asked if we could go to the Lego store for a short while, "just to look", and I thought, "Sure, why not? It's once in a blue moon!"

What I had forgotten was that the Lego store was near the center of the mall. We briskly walked past all the clothing and cosmetic stores, but with every step, I grew increasingly aware of the photos of the models in the store windows. Some were barely dressed. Right by the elevator was a larger-than-life woman with a "come-hither" look on her face and her shirt half-way unbuttoned. My face grew hot. When I caught my almost-twelve-year-old son looking at the picture, my face grew hotter. I just wanted to get out of there.

I told my husband later that day, "Well, no more Lego store!" He understood when I told him about our trip, because, after all, he's a man. For years he has lamented that Victoria's Secret, passed by hundreds of men walking through the mall everyday, is not as discreet as it once was ("What's the 'secret'?"). And the mall is not the only place that utilizes sex as advertising. Magazines on display at the grocery store checkout sometimes leave little to the imagination. TV commercials (especially during sports games) are even worse. It's no surprise that pornography usage and addiction is on the rise.

I can't protect my children from everything, but I will do what I can to limit the danger and guard their innocence for as long as I can. We don't have any kind of television service, or Netflix. None of my children have their own cell phones or Facebook accounts. My girls and I don't wear short shorts or skirts, leggings as pants, or exercise clothes in public (modesty in clothes show respect for men and women alike). I also don't allow my girls to wear fashions copied after sexier, adult styles. When I go shopping, I quickly scan magazines at the check-out counter and try to stand strategically (and distract, distract, distract!). And maybe it's time to shop only at stores that do not have magazines at their checkout. And yes, no more mall, and no more Lego store. It might sound like I am depriving my children of a childhood, but really, I am giving them one.

Loving My Husband

This is it! I've been wanting to write on this topic for so long! Now I finally feel that I'm ready to start a dialogue on… 

(drum roll, please)….

 SEX!

[cue awkward silence]

Ahem. Yes, sex– specifically sex in marriage. But before you go, hear me out for just a little longer, especially you fellow wives. Notice that I titled this post "Loving My Husband," not "Sex in Marriage." Though I will be writing about sex, my focus is on how to love husbands better. There is nothing graphic in this post; it is all based on what I have learned after several years of seeking to understand how God made men different from women. Now if you still choose to stop reading, I would not be offended. I just think that what I have learned is worth sharing.

First, it is important to establish a starting point for this dialogue. Because sex is a hot topic in media, we might think we are experts on sex. Magazines gives us "tips". Movies and television broadcast it. "Everyone" is doing it. This constant bombardment leads us to believe that sex is recreational, that it is all about fun and satisfying lust.

Here's the problem. Not only is that statement not true, it has led us to believe many other untruths about sex, such as:

-Men who "need" sex are animalistic.
-Sex is purely a physical act.
-Pornography is normal.
-Sex with the same person will get boring after a while. Expect the passion to dissipate several years into your marriage.

While pornography and sex outside of marriage are expressly prohibited in the Bible (Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5), what about sex within marriage? What does the Bible say about that? And why is sex commonly an area of frustration for married couples?

Here's the scoop. Wives in general do not understand what a big role sex plays in their marriage. They don't understand their husband's need for sex. And because media tend to portray men's need for sex as lewd, wives have come to believe that if their husbands desire more sex, they too must be lewd. Again, the root of this misconception is the idea that sex is purely recreational. In their subconscious, wives are thinking, "Sex is like a hobby, just icing on the cake." The problem is, their husbands are thinking, "Sex is the cake."

I was one of those wives. The first few months of being a newly-wed was easy. Then, I got pregnant. And more tired. And then the baby came. Sex quickly took a backseat.

Hey, no big deal if we don't have sex for a few days, right? I thought. But sometimes, the "few days" stretched out longer and longer. As more children came along, I continued to strive to be the best wife and mother I could be, oblivious to my husband's frustration.

Then, six years into our marriage, my husband lost his job. I did everything I could think of to encourage him and help him fight depression. But all the outings, all the notes, all the hugs, and all the pep talks fell short of what he really needed from me... sex. When he told me this, months afterwards, I was shocked! Sex was the last thing on my mind! And that was when I realized that men and women think about sex differently, and I have tried ever since to understand my husband and his need for sex. Throughout my discovery process, my husband, relieved that I want to know him and share more deeply in this important aspect of our married life, gladly helped me by answering questions.

Here is what I have learned so far:

–Men do think about sex more often than women. This does not mean that they are perverted. Any number of words or images can trigger the thought of sex in their minds.
–Yes, men are visual. If a woman is wearing tight pants or a low-neck blouse, my husband will notice without trying. His brain computes the data differently than my brain. This does not mean that he is lusting after that woman. It also doesn't mean that my husband is perverted, overly sexual, or disrespectful of women.
–Again, men are highly visual. This is why pornography is dangerous. Every time my husband thinks about sex, the thought should be linked to me, and only me. So by having sex regularly, I am making sure his "photos" of me outnumber the images he encounters daily in movies, ads, and magazine covers.
–My husband loves me for my mind and my heart, but he also loves me for my body. The three are not separate from one another. My inner beauty makes my husband love my outer beauty more. Even as I grow more wrinkled and saggy, my husband's love for me, and my body, will only grow.
–My husband feels closest emotionally and relationally to me when we are having sex. It defines our unique relationship. Only I can be his wife. Only he can be my husband. 
–Sex is linked to my husband's self-esteem, physical and mental well-being, and emotional bank.
–My husband doesn't need sex. He needs ME!

Wives, your husband's need for sex may not make sense to you, but God intentionally created men to be different from women. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).  And when God created man, He put in man a deep need for sex within the context of marriage. 

The best analogy I have to help wives understand this difference is this: what if your only source of good conversation is your husband? Or if you don't have a need for conversation, substitute chocolate or coffee  into the equation. What if you could have your favorite food only when your husband gives it to you? How would you feel when he doesn't offer it? How would you feel after a few days? Or a few weeks? Remember that I Corinthians 7:5 says, Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

And wives, also keep this in mind: the attitude we have "in bed" reflects our attitudes towards our husbands. Colossians 3:17 says, Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. So, are we kind? Thoughtful? Resentful? Bitter? Are we pursuing Biblical wifehood? (Read this recent post for more on that: Pursuing Biblical Wifehood)

I hope this helps, or at least begins a dialogue between you and your spouse. Women will never truly comprehend men, but maybe we weren't meant to. God created us differently but put us together so we can learn from each other. Through mutual selfless giving, we can learn to serve each other and gain better appreciation for our differences. In this way, sex with your spouse should get better with each passing year!


For those who want to go a step further: sit down with your husband and ask him these questions. But be sure to listen to his answers without judging and pay attention to when he gets most excited.

–How often would you prefer to have sex?
–What part of my body is your favorite? Why?
–What kinds of clothes do you like to see me in? Why?
–How do you feel when you try to initiate sex and I say 'no'?
–How do you feel when I initiate?