I only realized today that I have never written about pregnancy. Probably because in the past, whenever I was pregnant, I was also trying to keep up with a toddler. And truthfully, I've never given much thought to pregnancy. I just accepted it "as is". Even now, if someone asks me how I'm feeling (6 months pregnant at this point), I usually just say with a smile, "Like I'm carrying a bowling ball in my stomach."
But my emotions are much more complex than that. It's a "bowling ball" that is depending on me for life. And so far, this baby is pretty mellow, so every other night I wake up in a panic, wondering if she is still alive because I hadn't notice movement since the afternoon.
And though I KNOW that I'm not "fat", I can't help but be self-conscious about how this "bowling ball" makes me look. Clothes don't fit like they used to. People say I look "glowing" and "beautiful", but most of the time, I don't feel like that. I'm tired. My legs and ankles ache. If I don't wear compression tights, the veins on my legs bulge (I apologize in advance for the gross imagery) like I have slugs and worms living under my skin.
Simply put, I don't feel like myself.
But then again, that's because I am NOT myself. I am, in fact, two people right now.
And maybe that's the whole point. These nine months before the baby is born puts me in a place of discomfort and inconvenience–to say the least–which forces me to be less self-centered. It's not all about me. Just as it will not be all about me when this child is born. Can I put myself aside during these months, before this tiny human arrives and I have to put myself aside even more? And for my husband–this is training time to care for me more as I go through nausea and pain and self-doubt. He is my encouragement, now and for the months and years ahead.
So rather than treating these months of pregnancy as a waiting period, impatiently whining and griping while the baby is "just growing", I can learn to enjoy this time as a period where God is growing ME.
