Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Setting (or Resetting) the Tone of Your Home

We held a potluck-cooking-dinner party on Sunday night for some of our twenty-something-year-old friends. After dinner, my husband performed a few original songs (by request) which featured our daughters on background vocals and I found myself learning how to sing an old favorite worship song, "As the Deer", in French!

When my French 'lesson' was done, my teacher– a young man from Africa– said something amusing to me.

"I need to stop coming to your house. It makes me want to hurry and have my own family."

His teeth gleamed against his dark skin and I responded with a laugh, "You'd better not stop coming!"

The young man elaborated. He sees in my family what he had envisioned for the family he hopes to have some day: music, fellowship, learning, warmth. And though he knew what he wanted, he hadn't yet figured out how to achieve it.

"That's why you shouldn't stop coming!" I scolded affectionately.

But then, more seriously, I told him that the solution is simple: You as the parent set the tone. If you want your children to know and love music, listen to music. Sing to them. Show them that it is important (but not more important than the children). My family is not magical. I didn't wave a wand one day and <poof> my family was musical. No, our children grew into it from day one.

And the same goes for anything in a family. If the television is on during dinner, or if family members rarely sit down together to eat, a child will grow up with that being his/her normal. It may not seem to matter when the child is a baby or a toddler, but it does. And then, when the child is older, it is hard to change the 'tone'.

What is the tone of YOUR home? Is it filled with the fruit of the Spirit– love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22)?

If you're reading this now and you realize that your home has become one of stress, distraction, or even resentment and bitterness, don't be discouraged. It is easy for parents to fall into patterns based on what their own parents did. Or to choose the easiest route when their child was most difficult, then stay on that route. Families today face many challenges, some big and some small; family members may spend most of their time together in the car (including meal times), look at their phones more than each other, or focus more on achievement than on relationship. But it's never too late to make changes! Parenting (and marriage) requires constant diligence, and to make sure we stay 'on track', my husband and I find ourselves needing to press the 'reset' button from time to time. 

Here are some things to do if you feel that your family could also use a 'reset':

1) Examine yourself first.
Jesus asks, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (see Matthew 7:3-5 or Luke 6:41-42) If you are on social media every chance you get, you can't tell your children to spend less time on social media. If you are sarcastic or impatient with your spouse and children, you can't teach them to speak with kindness to their siblings.

2) Decide (with your spouse if possible) what changes you would like to make.
Be precise so everyone in the family knows clearly what the new expectations are. "Television only on Saturdays" or "Computer time only after you play for an hour in the backyard" are some examples. Some situations, like bedtime, may need more than one rule. If necessary, remove temptations for your children. Remove the television from the bedroom. Stop buying junk food. We'd love to believe that our child will have the self-control needed to follow the new rules, but we can help them out. 

3) Explain the changes to your children.
Don't just surprise them with the suddenness of the changes. Tell them what to expect, and if they are older, when to expect them ("starting on…", or "tomorrow" for children ages 2-5). Be sure to clearly state the consequences for noncompliance. And most importantly, tell them WHY these changes are being made. Use stories and verses from the Bible if applicable. Your goal is not only to make short-term exterior changes, but long-term heart changes. Explain to your children what conviction and repentance is, and how even parents (yes, even parents!) make mistakes and need to make changes to realign their lives with God's Word. As Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

4) Persevere. 
It may take some time for your child to adjust to the changes. Don't give up. Don't give in. Continue day after day despite the whining and screaming. You will be tempted to go back to the "old ways" just because it will be the easier route, but don't do it.

5) Make it a FAMILY project.
It would be easier to focus on changing your children, but the idea is to change the tone of your home. This means each and every family member's heart must be in it. Don't just tell your children to go outside; go outside with them. Don't volunteer your children for a service project; do a service project together.

And if you, like my friend, are not yet a parent:

1) Don't wait until you're a parent to start thinking about parenting. 
Reexamine your childhood and make a list of things your parents did that were positive and things they did that were negative. If you're married, talk to your spouse about his/her childhood. Discuss together what you envision your family to be like.

2) Learn as much as you can from other parents. 
Books are helpful, but I think talking to parents you admire is the better way to go. Have dinner with a family. Observe how they work. Ask questions. And if you see something you like, ask more questions!

3) Find a mentor.
Being a good mother or father doesn't always come naturally, especially if our own parents were not great role models. So, if you want to know more about being a good parent, find a parent whom you respect and ask if you can hang out and pick his/her brain.

4) Volunteer with children. 
Help out in your church's children's program. Go on a retreat with the youth group. Coach a neighborhood sports team. Offer babysitting to a couple (after getting to know them and their children).

5) Practice NOW what you would like for the future.
What I mean by this is: if you want your future home to be one of hospitality, start inviting people to your home now. If you want it to be orderly, go through your things and purge what you don't need. You don't need to wait until you're married or have children to do these things! Start setting the tone of your home now!

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