Desert Heartaches

I have some rough days, but I wouldn't consider my life the 'desert' right now, especially after reading the story of the Zeller family. All in one year, the Zellers lost one baby at 37 weeks of pregnancy, had two more miscarriages, possible cancer diagnosis for Misty (the mom), toxic mold found in their house-- which meant moving and throwing away most of their belongings-- and hospital debt that led to them losing most of whatever belongings they didn't already lose. Like Job, Misty has had heartache after heartache and no time to heal.

If you need perspective, you should read Misty's blog, Charlie's Song.

If you need encouragement, you should read Misty's blog, Charlie's Song.

If you need an example of true faith, you should read Misty's blog, Charlie's Song.

If you are grieving, you should read Misty's blog, Charlie's Song.

Her writing is beautifully and brutally honest. There are moments of joy (though Misty would probably tell you that she feels like she's scraping the bottom of the barrel sometimes) but most of her entries drip with her tears. If you have a moment, pray for them. And if you would like to materially bless this family, click on the links below to find out how you can.

Medical Fundraiser for the Zellers
Zeller Family Amazon Wishlist

The Grass is Greener (or 'Egypt wasn't so bad!')

When it comes to Facebook, one of my worst habits is looking up people from my past and spying… I mean, uh, seeing… what they are up to now. I like knowing that most of them have 'settled' and started a family, but the green-eyed monster in me threatens to emerge when I discover that some have 'made it' in Hollywood, or have published works, or is enjoying a successful career in music, or have forgone family life to pursue business and world travel.

If I can make sacrifices, why can't they?! I want to know.

Then I remind myself of the moment I stood at the crossroads of my life, and why I chose the road I did. After graduating with a degree in music, I looked for jobs in my field. Through certain connections, I was able to piece together work as a piano teacher, a choral accompanist, a performer in senior care homes, with weddings and such things on the side. But even in the midst of doing what I set out to do, I was discontent. I felt that I had degraded music to wallpaper (meaning playing while no one is really listening) and a paycheck. I was frustrated with teaching children who didn't want to learn. And most of all, I hated my hours. I worked afternoons, evenings, and weekends, and I missed seeing my friends and family (most of whom worked normal 9-5 hours) and I knew that I would have a hard time raising a family on that schedule in the future.

I have always thought that the Israelites must have been fairly dense to complain to Moses after years of back-breaking slavery and witnessing miracles like the Red Sea parting and manna appearing, but… well… now I can see how Egypt seemed like a vacation compared to walking day after day through the barren desert. Human memories and hearts are fickle. Fourteen years ago, I knew without a doubt that I would not be content as a professional musician. Now, performing and traveling seems so attractive in the midst of homemaking. But I am only seeing a sliver of the picture. I don't know what else is going on in the lives of these people who look so happy on Facebook. And really, apart from God, all the money and manna in the world cannot provide contentment. And once I chose to follow His dreams for me, I found a deeper joy. I became a French teacher, I met my husband, I joined a band-- all of which leads me to where I am today.

Contentment does not mean attaining the life you always dreamed of. Contentment is following God into the desert, with only the promise of the Promised Land. And sometimes it's realizing that you are already in the Promised Land… it just doesn't look the way you expected it to.


If you are struggling with contentment while in the midst of the desert, listen to this song by Sara Groves. For some reason, I could not put the video on the blog, but click below for the link to Youtube. I hope you will be encouraged.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

Lullaby

When I'm working on a post that takes me a bit of time, I like to share some of my other writing with you, my reader. But besides my blog, most of my writing are songs. And no, I have not yet made a Youtube video of myself singing any of these songs.

Still, the lyrics I write often reflect my thoughts and feelings as I continue to pursue God in my daily juggling of family life, personal endeavors, and community outreach. And I do believe that poetry and verse, like art and music, can express some things better than an essay ever can.

This is a song I wrote after my fifth child was born. A few days ago, I sang it to her to lull her to nap, and she fell asleep by the time I reached the end. The next day, she asked for it again, and again, she fell asleep by the time I sang the final chorus. Then today, we repeated the ritual. Grace is her middle name, and I think this will become her special song.

I am one like many others

Maybe even worse than most

Never won a prize or honor

Nothing of which I could boast

One day arrived a tiny bundle

Fragile, soft, helpless and weak

When I saw it, I was humbled

For a prize had come to me

Hope is here, holding my finger

Joy is you, smiling so bright
Love has come to me unfettered

Grace is in my arms tonight

How you formed remains a mystery

Who can say from where you came

Why you chose me for your family

Bringing honor to my name

Still I don’t know why you would trust me

When I’m neither strong nor wise

But I see the path before me

When I see your trusting eyes

Hope is here, holding my finger

Joy is you, smiling so bright

Love has come to me unfettered

Grace is in my arms tonight

Sleep, my child, as I am singing

This sweet song well-known to you

A tale of one most undeserving

And the gift of life anew

Hope is here, holding my finger

Joy is you, smiling so bright

Love has come to me unfettered

Grace is in my arms tonight

From Milk to Solids Updated

Hello readers!

This is just a note to say that I've made a few changes to my post from February 10th. Because it seems that this post has been popular, I want to be sure that parents who frequent my blog know that there is a bit of new advice added to the list.

Tea and Love

Usually I write something about love and marriage on Valentine's Day, but I've  been a little busy. Yesterday was my husband's birthday and the women's ministry Valentine's Tea, so I had a day of serving and being served. And now that the tea is over, I am excited to share with you what we talked about!!

And I say 'we' because (did I forget to mention this?) my mother-in-law and I did the talk together. This was particularly challenging for me, not to be able to do everything my way, at my speed, in my style, but I think it was a wonderful project for us to do together. If nothing else, this tea has strengthened my relationship with my mother-in-law.

And now… for the talk! I've adapted it so it doesn't read like a script between two people. The topic given to us was LOVE.

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My husband's parents had been praying for his wife since his day of birth, 38 years ago yesterday. They loved me from the start, but my mother-in-law and I recognized immediately that we were very different women. She's American, I'm Chinese. She likes pastels, collects teapots and teacups, loves crystal and lace. I go for stronger colors like purple and red, and I prefer pottery, wooden crafts, and rustic antiques. She cooks the classics, I'm always trying new recipes from all sources. She likes tea parties, I don't. 

These may be little differences, but when I moved in with my in-laws in 2009 (after my husband lost his job), the little differences became BIG differences. At first, our communication styles, assumptions, and expectations were more different than we anticipated and we had some rough patches, but we learned. We learned that our mutual love and worship for God gave us a foundation on which to build. We learned to communicate and respect each other. We learned to talk and forgive. And for me, the greatest lesson was learning to truly see my mother-in-law, and realizing that we are two different people. Instead of comparing myself to her, and her to me, I stopped comparing. I looked for our individual strengths, and found ways we can complement, rather than compete with, each other. We each showed love in our own way, and there is nothing wrong with that! That is God's design from the start!

And now, we speak to you, whatever your age and background, to encourage you and remind you that you are wonderfully made by your Creator to be a vessel of his Love, though you are ALL different. Just looking around the room, you can see the various different styles of teasets, and the amazing different centerpieces on each table (each designed by the hostess of that table). Now look at the diversity of women in the room. If each and every woman had a table, or at least a teaset that reflects her personality, not a single one would be the same. Fancy or plain, classic or modern, dainty or sturdy… you would all be beautiful and lovely in your own way, because you all have beautiful, God-given talents. And with these talents, you show love in your own way. As Paul writes in I Corinthians 13, love has many characteristics. We strive to reflect all the characteristics of love, but in our different ways; for example:

Love is patient- getting the fifth glass of water for your child, or doing an errand for someone after you finished your errands

Love is kind- bringing a meal to a family, visiting the sick or elderly, babysitting for someone, sending an encouraging card

Love does not envy- being content with what God has given you, not comparing yourself to others

Love does not boast- being humble, saying "I'm sorry" or "I need help?"

Love is not rude- biting your tongue and responding gently rather than sarcastically

Love is not self-seeking- caring for your aging parents, going out of your way to serve a coworker, or rather than wallow in self-pity, you take your pain to help others going through a similar pain

Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs- when you forgive a family member again and again

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth- not taking part in gossip

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, love never fails- not complaining about a family member to a girlfriend, thinking better of people and praying that they will change, never giving up on someone even though he or she has hurt you many times

The difficulty for us women is that many of us see ourselves as broken or unlovely. When we look in the mirror, we don't see a beautiful teacup, but something more like a mug, or maybe even a paper cup to be tossed in the garbage. Know that we are definitely not paper cups, but whether we are teacup or a mug, we are still designed and created by a Creator who loves us. He is the One who fixes us when were are cracked and broken, and He is the one who fills us with love. Paul writes in Romans 5, Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand, and we boast in the hope of the glory of God... and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. When we have faith in God, we are filled with His hope and we grow in His love until we overflow. Then we are no longer a teacup or mug, but a teapot that can pour into other people's 'cups'. But in order to do this, we have to be willing and available (not fashionable, eloquent, or outgoing). We can't sit empty on a shelf and collect dust.

We close with these words from I John chapter 4: We love because God first loved us. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

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My husband told me over his birthday dinner last night (we went to Demitri's Taverna in downtown Livermore… scrumptious Greek food!) that he has been praying for more opportunities for me to share with women. Neither of us had this in mind, but I am glad God answered my husband's prayer, and I am glad He did it this way! Speaking to a room of over one hundred women, ages twenty to ninety, from all walks of life… I wouldn't mind doing it again, if I had the chance and the perfect topic (though I still feel that I am more eloquent in writing than in speech). Several women came up to me to thank me this morning after the church service. Some had invited their moms to the tea, and most of the feedback I heard was that many were encouraged in their relationships with their moms, daughters, mother-in-law, and daughters-in-law. I know that this wouldn't have been possible if I had given the talk by myself. There were also a few women who shared with me that they are a 'mug' (like me) and didn't feel completely comfortable at a 'tea party', which encourages me to know that there are women in the church who attend functions to be with their church family, rather than to enjoy themselves. 

There was a moment during the talk when I started tearing up. I blamed my pregnancy hormones, but at the time, I didn't really know why I was crying. Now I do. It was because from where I sat on the stage, I had the best view of all the women in the room. And they were indeed beautiful. I was so blessed by this day, and I praise God that all in all, the tea and Valentine's Day was a success!

From Milk to Solids

One of the difficulties of parenting (and I think this is especially hard for homeschooling parents) is knowing when to let up on the reins. When our children are toddlers, we spend our days saying "No!" to almost everything, because toddlers do not yet fully understanding danger and consequences. At that age, we are doing nearly everything for them, and limiting their exposure to most things.

But then the toddlers become children. Parents everywhere would agree that it would be ridiculous to continue to take their older children "potty", or tie their shoes, but sometimes, we as parents don't realize that we haven't allowed our children to grow in other arenas. We continue to limit what our children watch or read, we don't take the time to teach them household chores, and we continue to say "No!" to things.

In Hebrews 5, the author writes about milk versus solid food. He is describing Christians who are not mature in their faith, but the analogy is also very applicable to children becoming mature adults. It would not be healthy to feed a ten-year-old milk and nothing else. Similarly, a ten-year-old who is only as independent as a six-year-old is not healthy. It would not be normal for a mother to continue to chew food before giving it to her children. Likewise, a teenager who has not learned to make decisions for him/herself is in a dangerous place.

As I watch my oldest son become a young man quicker than I can imagine, I find myself thinking about this more and more. My intuition is to keep him close, to guard what he is exposed to, and to keep him "safe" for the rest of his life. But I see him desiring to stretch his wings. His interests are changing, and he does not readily accept my answers like he used to. If I force him to stay close, I will inevitably lose him. If I keep him in my fortress, his curiosity about the dragons outside will not diminish, but grow.

So I've come up with a short guideline for parents who are also transitioning between milk and solid food for their children. Keep in mind that your family is different from mine; I trust that you as a parent will also use wisdom to know what is best for your child, and what the appropriate age is to begin allowing certain things.

1) Give your child more responsibilities, along with privileges.

I have my children do the dishes and sweep the dining room floor. They don't always do a great job, but I know they are learning, and part of the learning is taking responsibility and following through. As they grow, their list of chores will grow too, but so will their privileges. Sometimes, I have to take away those privileges when chores aren't done. This is one way my children can chew some "solid food", because as an adult, many privileges must be earned. My son knows that if he proves himself to be reliable and trustworthy, he will have more privileges, such as being allowed to go on trips without his parents, or staying up later than his siblings. This also teaches him the importance of building up a good reputation. 

2) Let your child decide.

"Pick your battles," I've been told. In other words, say "yes" to the long hair if you want your "no" about dating to mean something. Some parents harbor a fear that by saying "yes", they will open a Pandora's box of problems. But remember, your child wants to be his/her own person. And you want your child to trust you in the areas that really matter. So take it a step farther. Instead of dictating his/her life, slowly allow your child to make daily decisions. Know what is set in stone (no R-rated movies, no co-ed sleepovers, no ratty jeans at a wedding, etc.) and what can be negotiated. If you would rather buy your son the cheaper, generic brand of sneakers, but he insists on the brand-name shoes, have him pay the difference, or do extra chores to earn the shoes. And sometimes, you might have to allow your child to live with the consequences of his/her decision (for example, if your daughter wants to buy something trendy in spite of your counsel, she may learn that trendy doesn't last).

3) Listen to your child.
There has been times when I changed my mind because my child said something that made me realize I had made a decision based on my own preference or mood. Ask your child for his/her opinion. Even if it doesn't change your decision, it could lead to a really good discussion. If the matter is more serious (applying for a job, going on a trip, getting a cell phone), tell your child to pray about the matter and do some research and present his/her case in a few days. Then your child will learn to be wise rather than impulsive.

4) Explain your answers.

When you do need to say "no", don't just say "no." Tell your child why. You don't have to get into all the details if it's a topic of an inappropriate nature (you can say "Because you are not ready for this, but when you are, we will sit down together and watch it.") Your child will realize that "no" sometimes really means "not now." And they will learn that there is a difference between "no, this is not Biblical" and "no, you can't have a playdate today because we are all going as a family to your brother's recital." Also, telling your child why you say "yes" can be just as valuable. When your child is no longer living under your roof, you want to know that he/she can make Godly decisions on his/her own.

5) Feed your child healthy "foods", as to allow some "junk."

What I mean by this is that sometimes things that can be dangerous are not as bad if your child has a firm Biblical foundation. A parent asked me once if I think Harry Potter is okay to read (and there are plenty of Christians who believe the Harry Potter books are pure evil) and I said, "They would be bad if your child reads nothing but Harry Potter. But Harry Potter read alongside the Bible and classic literature (like The Bronze Bow, by Elizabeth George Speare) means your child has something to compare the book to." Rather than ban Star Wars from your house, watch it with your child and talk about the belief system of that make-believe world and how it contradicts God's world.

6) Teach your child to talk to adults.
Look for opportunities to have your child talk to an adult. Instead of asking the librarian to help your child find a book, have your child ask him/herself. If your child wants to buy something at the store, he/she can do the transaction with you by his/her side (and practice some arithmetic too!) This is especially hard for shy children (my son was hyperventilating when I told him to talk to the librarian, even though we knew her really well), so ease them into it. Go with them. Tell them what to say. Or if they can't do that, have them come with you but be the one to say "Thank you" at the end of the conversation. And this includes teaching children what to do when meeting someone for the first time: handshakes (or whatever is considered most polite in your culture) and a "Nice to meet you" or at least a "Hello."

7) Let your child accept the consequences.
This one seems almost too obvious, but when I was teacher, I had parents come in with excuses for their children all the time. "My daughter didn't know." "My son wouldn't do that." "But if he goes to detention, he'll miss his basketball game." If your child does wrong, he/she needs to learn to confess, apologize, and reap what he/she sows.

Remember that our job as parents is not only to be guardians, but disciplers, of our children. By keeping in mind that we are to feed them "solid food" and not "milk", we will teach them to be mature adults, and hopefully, mature Christians too.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. ~Proverbs 22:6

Extraordinary Examples (Part 3 of 3)

A girl who is taken from her family and forced into the king's harem.

A young widow who leaves her homeland to accompany and care for her widowed mother-in-law.

A girl who endures the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock.

A wife who follows her husband's lead and devotes years of her life to helping her family build a giant boat.

I am still meditating on extraordinary. It gets me through the day when I start worrying that I won't do a very good job of being a mother of six.

And the Bible is full of examples of extraordinary women! Reading about Esther, Ruth, Mary and Noah's wife (an extraordinary woman who's name is not even given), I can see how they each had to take a great step of faith. We know the outcome of each of their stories, but they didn't, at least not at the time of facing their greatest challenge. But what amazing, extraordinary stories they wove!

We each face our daily challenges. Sometimes (oftentimes, for some of you), we question God's intentions. Remember Esther, or Ruth, or Mary, or Noah's wife, and don't forget that you are in good company. In the end, you will find that you too wove an extraordinary story!

(Click here to read Part 1, Ordinary No More or here to read Part 2, Embracing Extraordinary)

The Other Side

I called my brother on Martin Luther King Jr. Day to tell him about Baby What's-it (this is the name my children have decided to call Baby #6 for now.)

During our conversation, I mentioned how great it was for him to have a day off from work.

His response was, "Yeah, but you never have to go to work."

"True," I said, "but I never leave it either."

On his day off, my brother was playing video games. I think he imagines my days are like that, that I spend them playing with the kids, indulging in hobbies, sleeping, and baking cookies. Reality is, I rarely have a day off, and only if someone is willing to take all five children off my hands. If my brother worked 363 days of the year, he would have a fit!

But I remember my life before children, how I was able to fill my days with whatever I wanted, whether it was going from social gathering to social gathering, or staying home and painting and playing music for hours. I took my freedom for granted. I viewed work, home, and time in a completely different way, and I probably couldn't have articulated to you exactly how my life was different from a person who had children.

And now I'm on the other side, trying to educate others. I know that there are plenty of posts out there about people with kids versus people without kids. It's like an unspoken war, with both sides arguing, "They'll never understand." And both sides demand to be heard.

But I am not here to fuel the flame. What I want to do is to help clear up some possible misunderstand-ings, because deep down we are all self-centered and quick to judge.

So here is a short list of misconceptions that people without children might have about people with children. And maybe, in sharing this list, we can find more ways to reach out, and be more understanding, caring, helpful, encouraging, and loving to those on "the other side."

1) We have it all together.
Few people are really ready to have children. If we all waited to be financially, emotionally, and spiritually perfect before having children, there would be very few parents. But parenting does teach you things. Sometimes I'm progressing, but usually, I'm still in the midst of learning those lessons. Don't think I don't have my bad days; I'm just not sharing with you every detail of how child-rearing can be a frustrating and demanding endeavor.

2) We don't get lonely.
When my children were younger, I felt very lonely. Now that they are more able to converse, I still feel lonely at times. I miss being with my peers, and I miss having one-on-one time with my closest friends. Sometimes we coordinate our schedules to get together at a park (with all the children) or at a cafe (without all the children) but those outings are not as often as I would like.

3) We only do kid-centered things.
This piggy-backs on #2. I do miss being with people my own age! When I was in my twenties and taking care of three little ones, I REALLY wished my friends would think to invite me to non-kid functions. Even if I couldn't go, it would have been nice to be thought of as more than "a mother of three", but somehow, once you have kids, you move into a different crowd. Moms do like to hang out together, because it helps to know that someone is going through what we are going through, but oftentimes, moms hang out together because we are the only ones around during the day to do so.

And on the other hand, I really do enjoy being with my children. If that means doing only kid-centered things for a few years, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. I get a lot of joy out of seeing my children laugh.

4) We are too busy.
This is true in a way. Whatever a single person needs to do on a daily or weekly basis, multiply that by two, three, or four (or more!) for a family. Car maintenance and repair, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning the house… those things do take time, and though sometimes I'd love to do more social things, I pay the consequences if I ignore these chores.

Also, another thing to keep in mind, for introverts like me, having a day to myself (meaning, really, just my family or my husband) and staying home to do quiet things is a refresher. Remember, I'm around people ALL the time. I've adjusted to living with six other people, but it does drain me to have guests or go out. Every now and then, I say no to social invites for this reason. 

Or I'm just plain tired.

5) We get all the attention.
Wherever I go, people look at me or stop me to comment on my kids. But who's really getting the attention? The kids! "Are they all yours?" "They're so adorable!" "Looks like you have a full house." I don't mind, but rarely do people ask about me. Most people know me as the lady with lots of kids (some don't even recognize me when the children are not with me) but few know me as a musician, writer, or artist.

6) We're inflexible.

This one is for other people's good. If we invite you to our house for dinner instead of going to your house (yet again), it's because it's just easier to watch children in an environment that's entirely familiar (and our children won't break some valuable heirloom of yours). If we ask to eat early so our children can be home and in bed by 7:30, it's because you don't want screaming children in your presence, and we know we have to live with the consequences the next day. And really, we're more flexible than most because we have to know when it's time to change our plans for the sake our everyone's sanity. If we have to leave the game, the movie, the party, or the store early, we will do it.

7) We're ignoring you.

If I have a toddler in a public place, my head and hands don't stop moving. I'm on 'high-alert-Mom-mode', which doesn't mean I don't want to sit and have a conversation with you. It may frustrate you that my head is turned while you talk to me, or I suddenly interrupt with, "No, don't do that!", but know that I AM listening. I just have to be in two places at one.
And I've noticed that I've become more forgetful. As a mother, I have a lot on my mind. I pay attention to my children's personalities, their education, their spiritual life, their diets and health, and their overall well-being, on top of my own (and to a certain extent, my husband's). On my calendar are appointments for the dentist, orthodontist, doctor, and various birthday parties. I can't even imagine if my children did sports! Add to that our family's finances, rent and bills, and church and family obligations, and my brain is at capacity! That is why I write things down. But forgive me if I don't write down your plans for the weekend and forget the details in two days. Oftentimes, I even forget to send birthday cards to nephews, nieces, and grandparents, but it's not because I'm intentionally forgetting them!

8) We're better than you.
The world would say that doctor is better than a janitor, but in God's kingdom, there is no difference. At the end of the day, if you've done what God has called you to do, and I've done what God has called me to do, that's what matters. Your calling is no better than mine, and mine is no better than yours.