I called my brother on Martin Luther King Jr. Day to tell him about Baby What's-it (this is the name my children have decided to call Baby #6 for now.)
During our conversation, I mentioned how great it was for him to have a day off from work.
His response was, "Yeah, but you never have to go to work."
"True," I said, "but I never leave it either."
On his day off, my brother was playing video games. I think he imagines my days are like that, that I spend them playing with the kids, indulging in hobbies, sleeping, and baking cookies. Reality is, I rarely have a day off, and only if someone is willing to take all five children off my hands. If my brother worked 363 days of the year, he would have a fit!
But I remember my life before children, how I was able to fill my days with whatever I wanted, whether it was going from social gathering to social gathering, or staying home and painting and playing music for hours. I took my freedom for granted. I viewed work, home, and time in a completely different way, and I probably couldn't have articulated to you exactly how my life was different from a person who had children.
And now I'm on the other side, trying to educate others. I know that there are plenty of posts out there about people with kids versus people without kids. It's like an unspoken war, with both sides arguing, "They'll never understand." And both sides demand to be heard.
But I am not here to fuel the flame. What I want to do is to help clear up some possible misunderstand-ings, because deep down we are all self-centered and quick to judge.
So here is a short list of misconceptions that people without children might have about people with children. And maybe, in sharing this list, we can find more ways to reach out, and be more understanding, caring, helpful, encouraging, and loving to those on "the other side."
During our conversation, I mentioned how great it was for him to have a day off from work.
His response was, "Yeah, but you never have to go to work."
"True," I said, "but I never leave it either."
On his day off, my brother was playing video games. I think he imagines my days are like that, that I spend them playing with the kids, indulging in hobbies, sleeping, and baking cookies. Reality is, I rarely have a day off, and only if someone is willing to take all five children off my hands. If my brother worked 363 days of the year, he would have a fit!
But I remember my life before children, how I was able to fill my days with whatever I wanted, whether it was going from social gathering to social gathering, or staying home and painting and playing music for hours. I took my freedom for granted. I viewed work, home, and time in a completely different way, and I probably couldn't have articulated to you exactly how my life was different from a person who had children.
And now I'm on the other side, trying to educate others. I know that there are plenty of posts out there about people with kids versus people without kids. It's like an unspoken war, with both sides arguing, "They'll never understand." And both sides demand to be heard.
But I am not here to fuel the flame. What I want to do is to help clear up some possible misunderstand-ings, because deep down we are all self-centered and quick to judge.
So here is a short list of misconceptions that people without children might have about people with children. And maybe, in sharing this list, we can find more ways to reach out, and be more understanding, caring, helpful, encouraging, and loving to those on "the other side."
1) We have it all together.
Few people are really ready to have children. If we all waited to be financially, emotionally, and spiritually perfect before having children, there would be very few parents. But parenting does teach you things. Sometimes I'm progressing, but usually, I'm still in the midst of learning those lessons. Don't think I don't have my bad days; I'm just not sharing with you every detail of how child-rearing can be a frustrating and demanding endeavor.
Few people are really ready to have children. If we all waited to be financially, emotionally, and spiritually perfect before having children, there would be very few parents. But parenting does teach you things. Sometimes I'm progressing, but usually, I'm still in the midst of learning those lessons. Don't think I don't have my bad days; I'm just not sharing with you every detail of how child-rearing can be a frustrating and demanding endeavor.
2) We don't get lonely.
When my children were younger, I felt very lonely. Now that they are more able to converse, I still feel lonely at times. I miss being with my peers, and I miss having one-on-one time with my closest friends. Sometimes we coordinate our schedules to get together at a park (with all the children) or at a cafe (without all the children) but those outings are not as often as I would like.
When my children were younger, I felt very lonely. Now that they are more able to converse, I still feel lonely at times. I miss being with my peers, and I miss having one-on-one time with my closest friends. Sometimes we coordinate our schedules to get together at a park (with all the children) or at a cafe (without all the children) but those outings are not as often as I would like.
3) We only do kid-centered things.
This piggy-backs on #2. I do miss being with people my own age! When I was in my twenties and taking care of three little ones, I REALLY wished my friends would think to invite me to non-kid functions. Even if I couldn't go, it would have been nice to be thought of as more than "a mother of three", but somehow, once you have kids, you move into a different crowd. Moms do like to hang out together, because it helps to know that someone is going through what we are going through, but oftentimes, moms hang out together because we are the only ones around during the day to do so.
And on the other hand, I really do enjoy being with my children. If that means doing only kid-centered things for a few years, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. I get a lot of joy out of seeing my children laugh.
This piggy-backs on #2. I do miss being with people my own age! When I was in my twenties and taking care of three little ones, I REALLY wished my friends would think to invite me to non-kid functions. Even if I couldn't go, it would have been nice to be thought of as more than "a mother of three", but somehow, once you have kids, you move into a different crowd. Moms do like to hang out together, because it helps to know that someone is going through what we are going through, but oftentimes, moms hang out together because we are the only ones around during the day to do so.
And on the other hand, I really do enjoy being with my children. If that means doing only kid-centered things for a few years, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. I get a lot of joy out of seeing my children laugh.
4) We are too busy.
This is true in a way. Whatever a single person needs to do on a daily or weekly basis, multiply that by two, three, or four (or more!) for a family. Car maintenance and repair, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning the house… those things do take time, and though sometimes I'd love to do more social things, I pay the consequences if I ignore these chores.
Also, another thing to keep in mind, for introverts like me, having a day to myself (meaning, really, just my family or my husband) and staying home to do quiet things is a refresher. Remember, I'm around people ALL the time. I've adjusted to living with six other people, but it does drain me to have guests or go out. Every now and then, I say no to social invites for this reason.
Or I'm just plain tired.
5) We get all the attention.
Wherever I go, people look at me or stop me to comment on my kids. But who's really getting the attention? The kids! "Are they all yours?" "They're so adorable!" "Looks like you have a full house." I don't mind, but rarely do people ask about me. Most people know me as the lady with lots of kids (some don't even recognize me when the children are not with me) but few know me as a musician, writer, or artist.
Wherever I go, people look at me or stop me to comment on my kids. But who's really getting the attention? The kids! "Are they all yours?" "They're so adorable!" "Looks like you have a full house." I don't mind, but rarely do people ask about me. Most people know me as the lady with lots of kids (some don't even recognize me when the children are not with me) but few know me as a musician, writer, or artist.
6) We're inflexible.
This one is for other people's good. If we invite you to our house for dinner instead of going to your house (yet again), it's because it's just easier to watch children in an environment that's entirely familiar (and our children won't break some valuable heirloom of yours). If we ask to eat early so our children can be home and in bed by 7:30, it's because you don't want screaming children in your presence, and we know we have to live with the consequences the next day. And really, we're more flexible than most because we have to know when it's time to change our plans for the sake our everyone's sanity. If we have to leave the game, the movie, the party, or the store early, we will do it.
7) We're ignoring you.
If I have a toddler in a public place, my head and hands don't stop moving. I'm on 'high-alert-Mom-mode', which doesn't mean I don't want to sit and have a conversation with you. It may frustrate you that my head is turned while you talk to me, or I suddenly interrupt with, "No, don't do that!", but know that I AM listening. I just have to be in two places at one.
And I've noticed that I've become more forgetful. As a mother, I have a lot on my mind. I pay attention to my children's personalities, their education, their spiritual life, their diets and health, and their overall well-being, on top of my own (and to a certain extent, my husband's). On my calendar are appointments for the dentist, orthodontist, doctor, and various birthday parties. I can't even imagine if my children did sports! Add to that our family's finances, rent and bills, and church and family obligations, and my brain is at capacity! That is why I write things down. But forgive me if I don't write down your plans for the weekend and forget the details in two days. Oftentimes, I even forget to send birthday cards to nephews, nieces, and grandparents, but it's not because I'm intentionally forgetting them!
And I've noticed that I've become more forgetful. As a mother, I have a lot on my mind. I pay attention to my children's personalities, their education, their spiritual life, their diets and health, and their overall well-being, on top of my own (and to a certain extent, my husband's). On my calendar are appointments for the dentist, orthodontist, doctor, and various birthday parties. I can't even imagine if my children did sports! Add to that our family's finances, rent and bills, and church and family obligations, and my brain is at capacity! That is why I write things down. But forgive me if I don't write down your plans for the weekend and forget the details in two days. Oftentimes, I even forget to send birthday cards to nephews, nieces, and grandparents, but it's not because I'm intentionally forgetting them!
8) We're better than you.
The world would say that doctor is better than a janitor, but in God's kingdom, there is no difference. At the end of the day, if you've done what God has called you to do, and I've done what God has called me to do, that's what matters. Your calling is no better than mine, and mine is no better than yours.
The world would say that doctor is better than a janitor, but in God's kingdom, there is no difference. At the end of the day, if you've done what God has called you to do, and I've done what God has called me to do, that's what matters. Your calling is no better than mine, and mine is no better than yours.
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