Recently, I've been writing a lot about my newborn. It's understandable. Newborns are just so adorable, not to mention all-consuming.
But the day will come when my innocent child will not be so 'innocent' anymore. Though I love seeing my children's personalities emerge, I don't look forward to the day when a child knowingly defies me for the first time. Like many parents, I wish I didn't have to deal with the 'D' word: discipline.
Why do we as parents dread that word? Why does it make us cringe when we say it? "I must discipline my child" just sounds bad, doesn't it? But maybe it's because we associate the word with spankings, removal of privileges, and other forms of punishment. 'Disciplinary actions' are never a good thing.
However, the root of the word 'discipline' is the same as the word 'disciple'. So if we think of discipline as training, teaching, and the making of disciples, we will see that it goes way beyond the correction of bad behavior. In fact, all we do for our children can be counted as discipline. Teaching your child to make his/her bed is discipline. Rebuking him/her for hitting a sibling is discipline. Modeling daily study of the Word is discipline. Think of an Olympic athlete disciplining himself in preparation for a competition. Discipline in this sense has a positive, not negative, connotation. Similarly, just as the athlete must discipline himself in all areas of his life, the discipline of a child should extend to every area of the child's life.
This is why I sometimes find it difficult to answer parents' questions on discipline. First, every child is different. There is no one method of discipline. Second, most parents ask about discipline wanting a 'quick fix' formula. Again, if discipline is about more than a punishment, we need to understand that discipline really happens outside of the-moment-when-I-lose-my-patience. Discipline (in every form) should happen in three stages.
The first stage is the preparatory stage. This means giving the child a clear, precise explanation of what is expected of him/her. Oftentimes, parents give ambiguous directions like "Be on your best behavior" or "Act appropriately". "No running or shouting" before entering the library or "Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'" before a visit at someone's house gives the child an action to focus on. Instead of saying "Clean you room", make a list like "Put the dirty laundry in the hamper... Put your books on the shelf…"
This stage is also the time to state the consequences for obedience or disobedience. The child should know exactly what he/she is to do and what will follow if he/she chooses to obey or disobey. It is very important that whatever you state as punishment or reward is something that you can actually carry out (In other words, don't say, "Come now or I will leave you here.")
Next comes the action stage. This is simply the stage where the child acts and the parent responds. Your job is to be on the look out and be ready to respond positively when you see your child doing as you had instructed, or to follow through with correction or punishment if he/she does not. You MUST follow through with the punishment (and I don't recommend counting to three before you do so). There are times for grace, but your child must learn that he/she has crossed a boundary and will receive consequences for doing so.
The third stage is the evaluation stage. This may also be the reconciliation stage, if punishment was dealt, angry words exchanged, or forgiveness required (from the parent and/or for the parent). If all went well, it is good to praise your child once more. Tell him/her how you felt ("I was proud of you when…" or "It helps me when you…") and ask questions ("Did you notice how Grandma was happy when you offered to clear the table?") My husband and I always praise our children when they were well-behaved guests at a restaurant or someone's house to remind them that their behavior DOES make an impact on other people.
If things did not go so well, wait until you are calm before talking to your child. Then ask the child about changes that could be made next time. (Were you ambiguous? Were you unjust?) Talk about strategies to help your child do a better job next time. Share stories about when you were young and went through a similar situation. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, fix your broken relationship with a hug, kiss, and "I love you." Remind your child that the punishment is a part of teaching and training and that God gave parents a specific job to do. If you said any angry words or threw a temper tantrum yourself, ask forgiveness from your child. Tell him/her that you are learning too.
This sounds like a lot of work, but each stage usually only takes one or two minutes. And believe me, it is a much better approach than feeling exasperated and hopeless as you watch your child do the same naughty thing again and again (and you watch yourself lose your patience again and again.)
Lastly, remember that discipline means making disciples, which also means that we are to be models of God's unconditional love and grace. Your child will never be perfect, but we can forgive and encourage growth, because God our Father does the same for us.
The first stage is the preparatory stage. This means giving the child a clear, precise explanation of what is expected of him/her. Oftentimes, parents give ambiguous directions like "Be on your best behavior" or "Act appropriately". "No running or shouting" before entering the library or "Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'" before a visit at someone's house gives the child an action to focus on. Instead of saying "Clean you room", make a list like "Put the dirty laundry in the hamper... Put your books on the shelf…"
This stage is also the time to state the consequences for obedience or disobedience. The child should know exactly what he/she is to do and what will follow if he/she chooses to obey or disobey. It is very important that whatever you state as punishment or reward is something that you can actually carry out (In other words, don't say, "Come now or I will leave you here.")
Next comes the action stage. This is simply the stage where the child acts and the parent responds. Your job is to be on the look out and be ready to respond positively when you see your child doing as you had instructed, or to follow through with correction or punishment if he/she does not. You MUST follow through with the punishment (and I don't recommend counting to three before you do so). There are times for grace, but your child must learn that he/she has crossed a boundary and will receive consequences for doing so.
The third stage is the evaluation stage. This may also be the reconciliation stage, if punishment was dealt, angry words exchanged, or forgiveness required (from the parent and/or for the parent). If all went well, it is good to praise your child once more. Tell him/her how you felt ("I was proud of you when…" or "It helps me when you…") and ask questions ("Did you notice how Grandma was happy when you offered to clear the table?") My husband and I always praise our children when they were well-behaved guests at a restaurant or someone's house to remind them that their behavior DOES make an impact on other people.
If things did not go so well, wait until you are calm before talking to your child. Then ask the child about changes that could be made next time. (Were you ambiguous? Were you unjust?) Talk about strategies to help your child do a better job next time. Share stories about when you were young and went through a similar situation. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, fix your broken relationship with a hug, kiss, and "I love you." Remind your child that the punishment is a part of teaching and training and that God gave parents a specific job to do. If you said any angry words or threw a temper tantrum yourself, ask forgiveness from your child. Tell him/her that you are learning too.
This sounds like a lot of work, but each stage usually only takes one or two minutes. And believe me, it is a much better approach than feeling exasperated and hopeless as you watch your child do the same naughty thing again and again (and you watch yourself lose your patience again and again.)
Lastly, remember that discipline means making disciples, which also means that we are to be models of God's unconditional love and grace. Your child will never be perfect, but we can forgive and encourage growth, because God our Father does the same for us.
