Halloween… Cheer?

I am feeling confused tonight.

Home are lit up.

Neighbors are opening their doors to strangers.

I hear children laughing and adults chatting.

People are out strolling, enjoying the cooling evening air.

It's the only night you'll see this in my neighborhood. Despite the skeletons, grave yards, and witches decorating some front lawns, there was a definite feeling of community and joy in the air tonight. Why? I want to know. Are people united by the traditions of dressing up and carving jack-o-lanterns? Do adults love seeing cute children on their front porch and hearing their little voices say "Twick-o-tweat"? Is it the beautiful autumn season? What is the source of this jubilation, on a holiday that is associated with dead and scary things and has no message of hope or happiness… or anything, for that matter?

I feel that if I could answer these questions, I could bring back the cheer that was once associated with Christmas. Then on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day we would hear song and laughter fill our streets. Neighbors would visit each other with gifts. Windows would all be aglow with lights. Hope would unite us and joy would overflow from every person.

But, how to do this?

Intentionality, One Step Further

My husband was cleaning off the desk (the one that I never use when I'm writing) and he came upon a box of photos from my college days. Mixed in with my graduation pictures were a few photos of my French students from my first year of teaching. I sat for a while, taking the time to study the faces before me. Though I couldn't remember the names of every one of my students, I found myself wishing I knew what they were all up to now.

Then one face in particular caught my eye. He was an eight-grader at the time, a young, smiling young man who ended up taking French with me for the next two years. When I ran into him at a grocery store earlier this year, he told me, "You were the best French teacher I ever had."

But what if I knew then what I know now, that he would one day graduate from college, get married, dream of becoming a father, only to lose the baby and suffer through a divorce as well? What would I have said to him then, apart from the French lessons, if I knew of the pain that lay ahead of him? Would I have been MORE intentional with him? Would I have been more intentional with all my students?

The fact is that I was being intentional, but my intent was to be the best French teacher I could be. What I didn't do was go BEYOND my usual level of intentionality by ask God for His intentions for me while I was at the school. Sadly, my purposes were not always the same as His. And sometimes, that is still the case today. 

I must remember that though the word 'intentional' and 'intended' are related, just because I say I am living intentionally doesn't mean that I am living the life God intended for me. If I am not seeking God's purpose for my life, I can easily substitute my own intentions for God's and live the life I intend for myself. When I strive to live intentionally, I must take my intentionality one step further by seeking to live NOT according to the purpose I feel is best, but the one that God has given me.

What is surprising to me is that this is kind of intentionality does not equate busyness. Jesus says in Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy, my burden is light" (which, by the way, is our theme verse for this school year). A teacher can work non-stop to fill his/her classroom with activity and learning, but God's purpose for the teacher may be to take some time at lunch to put down the red pen and listen to a student. A parent can sign up his/her child for as many enrichment classes as the child can handle, but God's purpose for the parent may be to teach the child to rest by modeling rest. For me, being an active, "busy" sort of person, this has been a recent lesson: Seek God's purpose in things great and small, knowing that it may not take the form that you expect.

So, when I write "Parents, be intentional with your children", I don't mean that parents need to do more. Rather, they need seek God's greater purpose in all that they do, from diapers to disciplining. If they find that they are pushing their child to succeed only for their own sense of worth, then they need to pull back. If they rely too much on teachers (in regular school, Sunday school, etc.) to teach and "raise" their child, then they need to do more.

It's the difference between dropping off cookies at a neighbor's house versus asking the neighbor about his/her troubles. Or cooking for a spouse versus encouraging the spouse to grow in Christ's love by being forgiving and gracious. Or being a reliable employee versus being an employee who brings joy and peace to the work place.

You can call it God-given intentionality, God-driven intentionality, God-centered intentionality… whatever you call it, the point is:

How can YOU take your intentionality one step further today?

Eleven Years

It is the day I have been waiting for. My daughter turns eleven in two days. I can hardly believe that the past eleven years have flown by so quickly, and now, it is time.

I ask my daughter what she would like to get for a tasty treat. 

"Ice cream," she answers.

Easy. Off to Coldstone we go. We savor each bite as we chat about sour gummy candies freezing in ice cream and why 7-11 is called 7-11.

Then, off to the next location. I drive around and look for a secluded, park-like setting. Finding one near the local feed and grain store, we park and walk to the benches under the hanging vines. I hand my daughter her birthday present. Then I begin.

It isn't difficult at all. Since my husband and I have already brought up the subject of puberty with our two oldest children, all I need to do is remind my daughter of our previous conversations. Then I add the part I have been rehearsing in my head for years, the part about menstruation and bras and how these things will affect her life.

"Do you have any questions?" I ask her at the end.

She smiles a little and shakes her head no as she returns her new book and underwear to the gift bag.

"Thank you," she says quietly. 

Her reserved response catches me off guard at first. It is not often that I see my loud, enthusiastic, "cheerleader" girl so subdued. But I see the pensive, yet relieved, look on her face and I understand her completely. I was feeling the burden of parenting while she was feeling the burden of growing up, but in sharing this with her, we are now carrying the burdens together. My daughter will not face the mysteries of growing up by herself, and I will not wonder and worry about her as she meets these new challenges. I have her trust, and we have communication. That was my goal, and the best birthday present I knew that I could give her.

Before we head for home, I hug my daughter and tell her that I love her. I also commend her for growing into an extraordinary young lady. She blushes, still the sweet little girl who is not used to hearing such words.

Oh, how quickly eleven years have come and gone!


(For those of you who are wondering, the book I gave my daughter was The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls by Valerie Schaefer. It is published by American Girl, not a Christian publisher, but it covers the basic important changes in a young girl's body in a direct and gentle way. Find it used on abebooks.com (no shipping costs!) by clicking here or on amazon.com by clicking here.)

Slipping Through Our Fingers

My kids were watching a DVD from the library, 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" I still love it when Charlie Brown looks in his trick-or-treat bag and sighs, "I got a rock."

I grew up watching that cartoon. It was our annual tradition. We looked forward to it because we knew that around Halloween, that would be the only time the TV channel would broadcast it.

Like Christmas specials at Christmas time.

And Saturday morning cartoons on Saturday mornings.

We had to wait for it.

As I see more and more children with their own iPhones (I don't know how any parent can afford that!) or pocket video-games-DVD-player-thingamabobs, the children so engrossed that they cannot stop even when they are walking, I have this growing sense that we are losing something intangible and valuable with this generation. It's something that I myself will never fully understand, because I grew up with videos, microwaves, and basic computers. But it's slipping through our fingers. And we don't even know it.

There are many things I could say to parents out there, but I won't. This is all I'm going to say:

Think before you choose your default setting of entertaining your child with the TV or smart phone, or when you feel the inclination to buy your child a new gadget. Look past the immediate gratification and try to grasp the repercussions down the road. Be intentional with your children. 

Chubby Little Thighs

I was preparing a roasted chicken for dinner when it hit me.

To be more precise, I was holding the naked chicken's little legs together, crisscrossing them at the "ankles" for tying. And– this is going to sound weird– the legs reminded me of my baby's legs. They reminded me of his chubby little thighs that I love to squeeze, just above the knee to make him giggle. They reminded me of the way he sits with his ankles crossed while he eats or looks at books. I had to apologize to the chicken, because it reminded me of my son.

I know. I'm weird. Sometimes things like this hit me at the strangest times.

But I know that I'm blessed too. I know that motherhood has changed me in ways nothing else could. I'm a better person because of it.

Even if it means that I could never watch movies like 'Grave of the Fireflies' or 'The Boy in the Striped Pajamas' because my heart cannot bear it.

Even if it means that I become a dripping faucet at the thought of abortion, or abandoned babies, or any unwanted child.

Even if it means that I cannot wait to become a grandmother (I know, more weirdness, right?) but what I really, REALLY want to do is become a grandmother to ALL the orphans in the world.

Even if it means that if I do become a grandmother someday (I think I'd like to be called 'Mimi'), and I am roasting chicken for my visiting grandchildren, and I am tying those chubby little chicken legs together, I will have to apologize to the chicken, because it reminds me too much of my baby.

Then again, maybe this will become another blessing. Because from now on, every time I make roasted chicken, I will be filled with the memories of my littlest son, and the warmth, love, and joy he brought into my life. 

And maybe I won't miss those chubby little thighs quite so much.

A Hidden Art

Look for the word 'homemaking' in the Bible and you will not find it.

But look at Proverbs 31:10-31 and you will find an extensive description of a woman who is, basically, a homemaker.

The problem is, I am not making coverings for my bed or buying fields and planting vineyards. I RARELY rise while it is still night (except to quickly feed the baby or change wet sheets, like I did last night, then I stumble back into bed). I am NOT a neat freak. And it doesn't help that I read books saying that I would be a better mom if I do organic gardening, raise chickens, sew my children's clothes, AND get up at 5:30am to do my Bible devotions.

Am I'm failing as a homemaker?!

I decided to do some "research". I posed the question "What is homemaking?" to my friends and relations on Facebook. 

Some said that homemaking is like being the office manager of the home. Basically, a homemaker takes care of the details that keeps the house in order from top to bottom.

Yes, I agreed with that, but to a point. That definition made me feel like a maid or butler, not a wife and mother.

Then, my husband's Aunt Marianne gave her answer:

When I read your question Rita, my first thought was not so much about the logistics of homemaking, but more about the atmosphere in the home. I think making a home a home, should be first and foremost about feeling safe to be the person God made you to be. It should be a place of refuge from the world, as well as a place that gives courage to launch out into the world… you can have all the right logistical things and still not necessarily have that feeling of a refuge or a launch pad. All those things need to be wrapped up in love. I personally think it needs to be the love God gives us to give to one another.

My husband's cousin Chrissy added on to that:

I was thinking the same as Marianne. It's being a support to your husband, no matter the circumstance and while maintaining the home, doing it with love and joy as if making a place for the Lord.

(Doesn't my husband have some amazingly wise relatives? I'm so blessed!)

And my friend Lyssa contributed this:

[It's about making the home] a place of rest, refuge, beauty, hospitality, etc.

(More wisdom! I'm doubly blessed! Who could ask for more?)

And they're right. Homemaking is about adding beauty to the world and making a safe haven for everyone who crosses one's threshold. Notice that in Proverbs 31, the woman not only takes care of her house and her family's daily physical needs, she also:

-upholds, respects, and supports her husband (...the heart of her husband trusts in her, she does him good and not harm... ~vs. 11-12)

-cares for the less fortunate (She opens her hands to the poor and her reaches out her hands to the needy. ~vs. 20)

-she has faith and strong-bearing even during difficult times (Strength and dignity are her clothing… ~vs. 25)

-is a role model of wisdom, kindness, and love (She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. ~vs. 26)

Edith Schaeffer (wife of theologian, philosopher, and pastor Francis Schaeffer) wrote this in her book, The Hidden Art of Homemaking:

…a Christian, above all people, should live artistically, aesthetically, and creatively. We are supposed to be representing the Creator who is there, and whom we acknowledge to be there… If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for our appreciation.

This is from Mrs. Schaeffer, who with her husband formed a powerful team that was often mentioned in books; while her husband discussed philosophy and theology with guests in their home, Edith served food and made sure the guests were comfortable. And I love how she explains the role of a homemaker; I am not just maintaining cleanliness, I am creating!

And what am I creating? Mrs. Schaeffer uses the term "hidden art" to mean that the art that is hiding in the everyday. Singing and reading to your children, cooking, writing a friendly note, and arranging your furniture are all "hidden arts" for the homemaker. Going for a hike or vacation in a natural setting, to "rest" there, can also be a "hidden art". Rather than ask the question "What is homemaking?", Mrs. Schaeffer asks "What is art?" and points the reader towards the First Artist– God Himself. My focus then should not be on WHAT I'm doing, but WHO I'm copying by using the talents that God has given me. Rather than lament that I am not good at interior decorating, organization, or gardening, I can find other ways to express God's beauty in my home.

For me, a creative person inside and out, this was wonderful news! Where I used to put pressure on myself to be more orderly and disciplined, I now have more freedom to put my talents to work, within a (reasonably) orderly space. After all, a spotless house isn't much of a home if I don't take the time to read to my children, hang up my art work, or fill the air with the aroma of freshly baked bread.

And what I love even more about Mrs. Schaeffer's book is this thought:

After all we are an art form. I do not mean that we produce art consciously now, but I mean we are an art form, whether we think of it or not, and whether we do anything about it or not. We are an environment, each one of us. We are an environment for the other people with whom we live, the people with whom we work, the people with whom we communicate. And in this sense we do not choose an art form and create something in that form; we are an art form… People who come across us or who walk into our presence, become involved. There are various art forms we may or may not have talent for, may or may not have time for, and we may or may not be able to express ourselves in, but we ought to consider this fact– that whether we choose to be an environment or not, we are. We produce an environment other people have to live in. We should be conscious of the fact that this environment which we produce by our very 'being' can affect the people who live with us or work with us….We should be artists in doing something about the environment we are creating – artists before God, of course.

This is most important to remember on a daily basis. If I put all my efforts in what my home looks like or feels like, but neglect how I am treating the people in my home, then I have failed as a homemaker. I Corinthians 13:1-3 comes to mind:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

To sum up, the simplest definition of 'homemaking' is 'making a home'. And by that, I don't mean building a physical construct, decorating a house so that it looks like it could be on the cover of a magazine, or maintaining order. Homemaking goes beyond what I can see or touch. It can even go beyond the walls of the house. It is the cultivation of joy, comfort, and love in my family. It is seeking God as my constant guide and teacher. It is an invitation to others to rest. Homemaking is creating a bit of heaven on earth.

(One note about Mrs. Schaeffer's book if you are thinking of purchasing it: this is not a how-to book. She does not give step-by-step instructions on how to carry out her ideas. I say this only because there were several Amazon reviews expressing the buyers' disappointment after discovering that there were no specific projects in the book. Here's a quick link to buying the book: The Hidden Art of Homemaking)