One of the difficulties of parenting (and I think this is especially hard for homeschooling parents) is knowing when to let up on the reins. When our children are toddlers, we spend our days saying "No!" to almost everything, because toddlers do not yet fully understanding danger and consequences. At that age, we are doing nearly everything for them, and limiting their exposure to most things.
But then the toddlers become children. Parents everywhere would agree that it would be ridiculous to continue to take their older children "potty", or tie their shoes, but sometimes, we as parents don't realize that we haven't allowed our children to grow in other arenas. We continue to limit what our children watch or read, we don't take the time to teach them household chores, and we continue to say "No!" to things.
In Hebrews 5, the author writes about milk versus solid food. He is describing Christians who are not mature in their faith, but the analogy is also very applicable to children becoming mature adults. It would not be healthy to feed a ten-year-old milk and nothing else. Similarly, a ten-year-old who is only as independent as a six-year-old is not healthy. It would not be normal for a mother to continue to chew food before giving it to her children. Likewise, a teenager who has not learned to make decisions for him/herself is in a dangerous place.
As I watch my oldest son become a young man quicker than I can imagine, I find myself thinking about this more and more. My intuition is to keep him close, to guard what he is exposed to, and to keep him "safe" for the rest of his life. But I see him desiring to stretch his wings. His interests are changing, and he does not readily accept my answers like he used to. If I force him to stay close, I will inevitably lose him. If I keep him in my fortress, his curiosity about the dragons outside will not diminish, but grow.
So I've come up with a short guideline for parents who are also transitioning between milk and solid food for their children. Keep in mind that your family is different from mine; I trust that you as a parent will also use wisdom to know what is best for your child, and what the appropriate age is to begin allowing certain things.
1) Give your child more responsibilities, along with privileges.
I have my children do the dishes and sweep the dining room floor. They don't always do a great job, but I know they are learning, and part of the learning is taking responsibility and following through. As they grow, their list of chores will grow too, but so will their privileges. Sometimes, I have to take away those privileges when chores aren't done. This is one way my children can chew some "solid food", because as an adult, many privileges must be earned. My son knows that if he proves himself to be reliable and trustworthy, he will have more privileges, such as being allowed to go on trips without his parents, or staying up later than his siblings. This also teaches him the importance of building up a good reputation.
2) Let your child decide.
"Pick your battles," I've been told. In other words, say "yes" to the long hair if you want your "no" about dating to mean something. Some parents harbor a fear that by saying "yes", they will open a Pandora's box of problems. But remember, your child wants to be his/her own person. And you want your child to trust you in the areas that really matter. So take it a step farther. Instead of dictating his/her life, slowly allow your child to make daily decisions. Know what is set in stone (no R-rated movies, no co-ed sleepovers, no ratty jeans at a wedding, etc.) and what can be negotiated. If you would rather buy your son the cheaper, generic brand of sneakers, but he insists on the brand-name shoes, have him pay the difference, or do extra chores to earn the shoes. And sometimes, you might have to allow your child to live with the consequences of his/her decision (for example, if your daughter wants to buy something trendy in spite of your counsel, she may learn that trendy doesn't last).
3) Listen to your child.
There has been times when I changed my mind because my child said something that made me realize I had made a decision based on my own preference or mood. Ask your child for his/her opinion. Even if it doesn't change your decision, it could lead to a really good discussion. If the matter is more serious (applying for a job, going on a trip, getting a cell phone), tell your child to pray about the matter and do some research and present his/her case in a few days. Then your child will learn to be wise rather than impulsive.
3) Listen to your child.
There has been times when I changed my mind because my child said something that made me realize I had made a decision based on my own preference or mood. Ask your child for his/her opinion. Even if it doesn't change your decision, it could lead to a really good discussion. If the matter is more serious (applying for a job, going on a trip, getting a cell phone), tell your child to pray about the matter and do some research and present his/her case in a few days. Then your child will learn to be wise rather than impulsive.
4) Explain your answers.
When you do need to say "no", don't just say "no." Tell your child why. You don't have to get into all the details if it's a topic of an inappropriate nature (you can say "Because you are not ready for this, but when you are, we will sit down together and watch it.") Your child will realize that "no" sometimes really means "not now." And they will learn that there is a difference between "no, this is not Biblical" and "no, you can't have a playdate today because we are all going as a family to your brother's recital." Also, telling your child why you say "yes" can be just as valuable. When your child is no longer living under your roof, you want to know that he/she can make Godly decisions on his/her own.
5) Feed your child healthy "foods", as to allow some "junk."
What I mean by this is that sometimes things that can be dangerous are not as bad if your child has a firm Biblical foundation. A parent asked me once if I think Harry Potter is okay to read (and there are plenty of Christians who believe the Harry Potter books are pure evil) and I said, "They would be bad if your child reads nothing but Harry Potter. But Harry Potter read alongside the Bible and classic literature (like The Bronze Bow, by Elizabeth George Speare) means your child has something to compare the book to." Rather than ban Star Wars from your house, watch it with your child and talk about the belief system of that make-believe world and how it contradicts God's world.
6) Teach your child to talk to adults.
Look for opportunities to have your child talk to an adult. Instead of asking the librarian to help your child find a book, have your child ask him/herself. If your child wants to buy something at the store, he/she can do the transaction with you by his/her side (and practice some arithmetic too!) This is especially hard for shy children (my son was hyperventilating when I told him to talk to the librarian, even though we knew her really well), so ease them into it. Go with them. Tell them what to say. Or if they can't do that, have them come with you but be the one to say "Thank you" at the end of the conversation. And this includes teaching children what to do when meeting someone for the first time: handshakes (or whatever is considered most polite in your culture) and a "Nice to meet you" or at least a "Hello."
7) Let your child accept the consequences.
This one seems almost too obvious, but when I was teacher, I had parents come in with excuses for their children all the time. "My daughter didn't know." "My son wouldn't do that." "But if he goes to detention, he'll miss his basketball game." If your child does wrong, he/she needs to learn to confess, apologize, and reap what he/she sows.
6) Teach your child to talk to adults.
Look for opportunities to have your child talk to an adult. Instead of asking the librarian to help your child find a book, have your child ask him/herself. If your child wants to buy something at the store, he/she can do the transaction with you by his/her side (and practice some arithmetic too!) This is especially hard for shy children (my son was hyperventilating when I told him to talk to the librarian, even though we knew her really well), so ease them into it. Go with them. Tell them what to say. Or if they can't do that, have them come with you but be the one to say "Thank you" at the end of the conversation. And this includes teaching children what to do when meeting someone for the first time: handshakes (or whatever is considered most polite in your culture) and a "Nice to meet you" or at least a "Hello."
7) Let your child accept the consequences.
This one seems almost too obvious, but when I was teacher, I had parents come in with excuses for their children all the time. "My daughter didn't know." "My son wouldn't do that." "But if he goes to detention, he'll miss his basketball game." If your child does wrong, he/she needs to learn to confess, apologize, and reap what he/she sows.
Remember that our job as parents is not only to be guardians, but disciplers, of our children. By keeping in mind that we are to feed them "solid food" and not "milk", we will teach them to be mature adults, and hopefully, mature Christians too.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. ~Proverbs 22:6
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