World's Leading Expert

The best advice my husband and I ever got from Ben and Judy, our wonderful pre-marital counselors, was this:

The person you marry will change. In five, ten, twenty years, you will not be married to the same person.

It sounds obvious, but many people hold onto the image of the person with whom they fell in love, and do not allow that person to grow. Then one day, they realize that their spouse is NOT the person with whom they fell in love, and they wonder, "Am I still in love with this person?" Divorce, separation, pain and tears... all can follow if a person falls into that trap.

So my husband and I remind ourselves that our main job is to 'study' each other, and our goal is to become the 'world's leading expert' on each other. And sometimes, the only way to do that is to ask questions. Yes, 'just knowing' sounds romantic, but mind-reading is the stuff of Hollywood movies and fairytales. What I recommend is, for your next date night (and if you don't have a next date night, get moving on scheduling one!), write some questions on small pieces of paper. Fold up the papers, and put them into a bowl or empty tissue box. Then pour some comfort drink (coffee, tea, milk and honey, wine, cocoa), put out a plate or bowl of yummy snacks, and take turns with your spouse pulling out questions and asking them to each other.

If you think this is a strange idea, remember this: when you were dating, this is what you did automatically. You wanted so much to know the other person inside and out, you could have talked for hours. Now, get to know the person again, and see how he or she has changed. And fall in love with that person, all over again. I think you will find yourself pleasantly surprised.

P.S. I recommend that you do this little game every so often, in order to maintain your 'world's leading expert' status and keep your 'field notes' up-to-date.

Following are some questions to ask your spouse, in case you need help:

- What is your favorite color? Favorite season? Favorite book? Favorite music?

- What is your favorite food and drink? What is your comfort food?

- What is your love language?

- What are your goals for the next year? next five years? next ten years?

- When you are sick, what do you want most from me?

- What do you like most about yourself? What do you like most about me?

- What is your happiest childhood memory? What is your saddest?

- If you had a whole day to yourself, what would you do?

- If you had a whole day with just me, what would you do?

- What are you learning about God right now?