Discipline and Diligence

Last Sunday, I caught a mom in the hall, struggling to convince her two-year-old to join the other children in class. As we started chatting, she said to me,

"Your children are so well-behaved. You should teach a class!"

I was flattered, but I also felt completely unqualified to teach a class on discipline! I may be an expert on my children, but I am no expert on other people's children. I wish there was one neat set of rules when it comes to discipline. And as most parents know, how our children behave in public is not the same as how they behave at home. What any person sees of my children on a weekly basis is only a tiny glimpse of what happens on a daily basis under my roof!

But my friend and I continued to talk, and the more questions she asked, the more I realized that I DO know some things about discipline–three things, to be exact.

The first is that each child is different. There is no guarantee that the way you discipline your first child will work on the second. The only way to know the best method for disciplining your child is to KNOW YOUR CHILD. For some children, a light swat is enough to deter them from repeating an action. For others, spanking means nothing, and only hardens their hearts and damages their spirit. Social children find isolation (time outs, for example) and removal from activity excruciating. That's my youngest right now. He just wants to be in the middle of everything! On the other hand, when my husband was young, his punishment was to go outside and play with his siblings, because he is happiest when he is alone, in his room, reading a book!

Remember, the "experts" can give you some tips and insight but the "experts" don't know your child. Talk to parents you look up to and parents from older generations for different perspectives, especially those who have spent time with your child. It may take some sleuth work to discover the best way to guide your child's little mind onto the right path.

The second thing I know is that discipline takes A LOT of energy and hard work. When I was in college, I worked part-time at a preschool/daycare as a teacher's assistant. Whenever the children went outside to play, I was the eager one starting a game of 'tag' or 'catch'. But I noticed that the other teachers would just sit and watch. And when something happened between two of the preschoolers, the teacher would stay seated and just shout, "Stop fighting! Remember to share!" The teacher usually had to repeat herself several times, or finally get up and separate the preschoolers. 

The lesson I learned is that discipline works best when the person in charge responds immediately and gets involved. This gets harder the more children there are, or the more tired the person is, but it still holds true: diligence is the key. Telling my seventeen-month old to stop climbing on the stool means almost nothing to him. I must go and remove him from the stool. And I have to do this again, and again, and again. It's exhausting, I know, but it's the only way to teach a child what the boundaries are. Whatever your daily struggle with your child is, be firm today, and be firm tomorrow. It may take a thousand days. It may take longer. But if you teach your child well while he/she is young, you can look forward to the days when you can be more lenient.

The third thing is the shortest, but the most important: after disciplining your child, always explain why the discipline was necessary (in the simplest of terms if needed) and end it with a hug, a kiss, and an "I love you." Be open to the Spirit. Discipline takes consistency, but there is also room for grace, which is a great lesson in itself. 

When you are in the midst of toddlerhood, parenting feels like it's only about rules and control. And it doesn't seem to change much when the children are older! But there are countless joys that come with parenting! Be diligent in discipline, and you will be filled with wonder as your little ones blossom into kind and responsible young men and women.