I Am Becoming

I used to want to be another person.

Another Person was gorgeous (of course), 5-foot-8-inches tall, with long, graceful legs, perfect skin, and hair that never had a bad day. She was athletic and talented in every way, voted Homecoming Queen and "Most Likely to Succeed". She was popular, confident, the life of the party, always welcomed wherever she went.

How I longed to be Another Person. I moped and lamented about the Person I Was: awkward, tongue-tied, fashionably-challenged wallflower with flawed skin and uncontrollable hair. The Person I Was couldn't be funny or athletic even if she tried. No one noticed when she entered a room, and oftentimes no one noticed when she left.

I lived like this for years, longing for Another Person's life while wasting my own! And now, at the age of thirty-two, I am finally learning to love the person I am (and I give much credit to my husband, who tells me everyday that I am beautiful, inside and out). The Person I Am is gracious, kind, selfless, and purposeful. She knows her strengths and uses them to help and encourage. She is fearless in love, completely confident in God's love and power. And she longs to seek others more than she longs to be sought after. The Person I Am is who God made me to be, but I allowed my wish to be Another Person to stunt my growth. Maybe now, with my blinders and restraints off, I can grow into the Person I Am. 

I know I've mentioned this often in my posts. It's my recent soul-wrestle, and I don't know when I'll be done with it, maybe never in this lifetime. But it is like my soul-wrestle from a few year's back, when I was adjusting to being at home, feeling like little more than a household appliance. I have several essays from that time too, which I will share with you when this subject gets tedious. I did conquer that wrestling match, eventually. 

But what I want to share with you is how freeing this is for me! I have stopped trying to impress people. I don't have to worry if what I say is witty enough, or if I'm making the right kind of conversation. There is no pressure to make the other person like me, nor do I have to read the other person's mind. I interrupt the comparison game that goes on in my head before it gets too far. I step back and see myself as God sees me. I can become wholly myself, because I am becoming.