Zax and Marriage

No, there is no typo in the title! I am referring to The Zax, by Dr. Seuss, one of the short stories found in his book The Sneetches and Other Stories. If you are not familiar with this book, I suggest you check it out from your local library. There is also a great audio version  produced by Dr. Seuss himself. (If checking on Amazon, look under "Dr. Seuss presents". It is on a CD with 'Fox in Socks' and 'Horton Hatches the Egg'. In this series, there is also an audio version of 'Green Eggs and Ham' that is my absolute favorite!)

Okay, back to the Zax! The story begins in the prairie of Prax. One sax, going north, never deters from his path. Another, going south, never deters from his. So what happens when the two meet? Let's find out:

"Look here, now!" the North-Going Zax said. "I say!
You are blocking my path. You are right in my way.
I'm a North-Going Zax and I always go north.
Get out of my way, now, and let me go forth!"

"Who's in whose way?" snapped the South-Going Zax.
"I always go south, making south-going tracks.
So you're in MY way! And I ask you to move
And let me go south in my south-going groove."

And back and forth they go, each refusing to be the one to budge. As far as I know, they are still there today, staring each other down and waiting for the other to move first.

One of Dr. Seuss's gifts is his gentle way of teaching us about life. In this story, I see myself. Sometimes in my marriage, my stubbornness kicks in, and I don't want to be the one who backs down first! But this is very dangerous, because there will always be a time when spouses disagree. Even in the best of marriages, spouses are not the exact same person! 

Take music, for example. My husband and I love to play music, but our styles are very different. He plays by ear, improvises well, loves a rockin' beat, and is a natural performer. I'm a sight-reader, classically-trained, and feel most at home with a moody, minor Chopin piece played for an audience of none.

It's amazing that we are even in a band together now, and have been for twelve years! And being in a band together played very much in our courtship (someday I'll share more of the story with you), but it almost never happened! When my husband first met me and heard me play piano, he immediately wanted to form a band. I did not (for all the reasons stated above) but hesitantly agreed. The first few months of rehearsals were frustrating for me, but I slowly grew to love the band, and with that, grew to love the man. And now, though life is hectic with five children, we continue to perform. There are still times when I want to call it quits. There are still times when I get the pre-performance jitters, or I'm stressed because I  am trying to feed the kids spaghetti, while getting dressed, while gathering my music to head out the door. Sometimes my husband gives me a suggestion about a song I wrote (he's the one with the 'pop' sensibility, after all) and I feel my muscles tighten because I like the song my way. Or he asks me to play a song that's bluesy and soulful, and though I lament to him, "I don't have any soul!" he doesn't let me off the hook. But because I love my husband, I do it for him.

I have learned that in a marriage, sometimes it's not what you are doing together, but the very fact that you're doing it together (and really, this can be applied to any meaningful relationship). Wives, to different degrees, find themselves competing with sports, cars, outdoor hobbies, the computer... but instead of 'competing', we can join our husbands in doing what they love, simply because we enjoy being with them. (and I hinted at this in my last post, Two Stories.)

But stubbornness can be much more harmful when it leads to many little incidents building up over time, when it concerns making an important decision, or when wounds are deep. An example is from the Iranian film "The Separation". Complex on many levels, at the heart of the conflict is the stubbornness between the husband and wife. The pride there leads to a divide which affects their daughter, the man's father, and another woman and her family. Though we never find out what caused the riff over the years, we catch glimpses of the emotions on both sides, and find ourselves wanting so much for the marriage to resolve. "How simple it would be, if one of you would only say, 'I'm sorry!'" we think to ourselves.

So let us not forget those words in our own marriage. Let us remember that marriage is a two-way street, and in a good marriage, the traffic flows with little interruption: you give love, you receive love (and God's love is the gas that keeps you moving!) But sometimes (and we all have these times), you reach an impass, and the traffic stops. In those times, remember the Zax. And if it's your stubbornness that is blocking the flow, be the one to step aside. That may mean being the first to apologize and ask for forgiveness. It may mean agreeing to do something with your spouse that you wouldn't usually do. Or it may mean changing your way of doing things. Whatever it is, remember the end goal, to be a peacemaker, and to love your spouse!

I know there are creative wives out there who have come up with ways to join their husbands in their hobbies. If you have a story to share, feel free to do so!