For Pastors' Wives

It has been two and half years since my husband became a pastor and I can't say I've settled into my role as P.W. I don't mean 'role' like I'm expected to play piano or teach Sunday school (thank God my church does not put expectations like that on pastors' wives); the role I mean is the day in/day out of raising a family while helping my husband shepherd God's family. There are emotions that I thought would go away after a few months of the new job, yet they still linger on the edges of my heart. Then there are new emotions, arising from situations that my husband has to deal with within the church. So, last week I met with the wife of our teaching pastor to ask about her experience as a pastor's wife and if she had any wisdom to pass on to me.

Part of me thought that maybe growing up as a pastor's daughter had embittered me in ways towards the church, leaving irrational fears and worries. But my friend helped me realize that the emotions I'm feeling now aren't because of unresolved issues from my past. How I feel is not uncommon for a pastor's wife with young children. The long Sundays and odd hours are not easy. Neither is being in a shepherding role. It was so encouraging for me to hear this that I want to pass on what I learned. If you are a pastor's wife with young children, I hope you are encouraged too! It helps to know that you are not alone in this!

1) It will be hard sometimes.

Serving God should be a joy, but it isn't a walk in the park. People will put expectations on you. Your husband will sometimes be under attack. You and your husband will want to help everyone, but you can't. The job is emotionally draining, oftentimes physically and spiritually so too.

2) You must be discreet at all times.

Being on the inside means you will hear things about people's private lives. The hardest part of being a pastor's wife is not sharing what you hear, or forming judgments based on that information. You will need extra doses of grace and love. If discretion is difficult for you, tell your husband that you'd rather not know the names and details of those involved. Find ways to be an emotional support for your husband without being tempted to gossip.

3) You will feel lonely sometimes.

Again, being on the inside means that sometimes you will feel alone. You will be viewed and treated as a leader and role model, not as a peer. And Sunday mornings, if your husband is preaching, teaching, or in charge of an aspect of the worship service means you are alone with your children for much of the morning, maybe even part of the afternoon or evening.

4) Learn to say "no" to people and "yes" to God.

What I mean by that is you should know what your giftings are and know what God has called you to do. Then do them! But not because you feel pressured by the congregation, not because you need to meet certain expectations, and not because you are the plug for the hole in the dam. Serve God the same way you would serve Him regardless of your title as 'pastor's wife'.

5) Put your family first.
When my children act out, I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. I have to remember that my children are just like everyone else's children, and not put pressure on them to look or act like "perfect" children. My husband and I also need to put boundaries on his time at the church. We don't attend every meeting, service, or event. We try to serve together if possible (like at Vacation Bible School last summer). We shepherd our children first and foremost. And most importantly, we tell our children that people are imperfect, but God is ALWAYS faithful and deserving of praise. When things don't go quite right in the church, we remind the children that it is God's grace that helps us forgive and work things out to bring unity back to the Body. If children hear too much about "what's wrong with the church", they will grow up thinking that something is wrong with God.

6) Find trusted friends.

You need friends who encourage you, understand your role, and will sharpen you and keep you accountable when needed. My two closest friends are also pastors' wives. If possible, find close friends who attend a different church.

7) Find what works best for you and your husband.

When my husband is away, a simple phone call is enough to help me feel connected. When he's away at a retreat, it makes sense for him to call and check-up on me. Recently, I asked him to call me on Sundays too. We spend the morning in the same building, but most of the time I see him only for a few seconds in the hall. Then I go home, he stays for the second service, and oftentimes goes out for lunch. Getting a phone call from him lets me know what his plans are, and the day doesn't feel quite as long and lonely.

Having a husband who is called to serve the Body is an honor. Your children will not always be young. Your husband will not always travel without you. Hold fast to the Rock, and you will be a blessing to your husband, your children, and your church!