Pursuing Biblical Wifehood

I was thinking the other day, "We celebrate Mother's Day… why don't we celebrate Wife's Day?"

Okay, I admit, I wasn't really thinking that.

What I was thinking was, "Most people consider motherhood to be a higher calling, but what about wifehood?"

Our culture at large does not make much of wifehood. There are no brochures for classes on wifehood. When was the last time you even heard someone use the word 'wifehood'? 

Maybe it's because Mother's Day is something everyone can celebrate. Everyone has a mother, but not everyone has a wife. We all owe at least a little something to our mothers for giving birth to us.

Or maybe it's because, though both motherhood and wifehood require servanthood, most people believe that sacrifice for a mother is for the good of the child, while for a wife, it's at the expense of the woman.

That's the result of years of feminist arguments, years of fighting for a women's right to never have to submit to a man again.

But that is not how the Bible portrays marriage! My husband and I sat with a young couple  the other night and answered their questions on Biblical roles for husbands and wives. We discussed how marriage is not about domination. Rather, it is about husband and wife serving each other in a way that reflects Jesus and His Father. In Timothy and Kathy Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage, Kathy writes (in the chapter titled 'Embracing the Other'), 

The Son defers to his Father, taking the subordinate role. The Father accepts the gift, but then exalts the Son to the highest place. Each wishes to please the other, each wishes to exalt the other. Love and honor are given, accepted, and given again. In I Corinthians 11:3, Paul says directly what is implied in Philippians 2–namely, that the relationship of the Father and the Son is a pattern for the relationship of husband to wife.

How beautiful and mysterious! If ALL wives understood that their role is not merely a series of actions (just as changing a diaper doesn't necessarily make you a mother), then marriages across the board would be joyful, everlasting examples of unconditional love!

In this current age (commonly called the 'hook-up' culture), the majority of people get married with the thought that marriage is not life-changing, that the difference between dating and marriage is nothing more than checking a different box on your tax form. People don't anticipate that marriage takes effort, that it requires sacrifice, that it essentially changes them in a way dating doesn't.

But wifehood does change a person, the way motherhood changes a person! God's design is for spouses to shape each other as they learn from the other's strengths and give grace to cover the other's weaknesses. A married woman who stubbornly holds on to her former life and former self will take on the title 'wife' in name only. Wifehood, the state of of being a good wife, is an honorable endeavor that must be pursued. Then, after years of pursuit, the wife will become a more kind, more understanding, and more gracious person.

Recently, I met up with some old friends at a park. As we caught up on all that had happened since high school graduation, I sensed my friends' underlying current of resentment towards their husbands. They still love their husbands, and their lives are stable (good job, nice house, healthy children, faithful husband), but all was easy-going until they had children.

I'm not blaming the children. I'm not blaming the husband either, nor am I blaming the wives. When a woman is outside of Christian circles, when she does not have good role models for marriage, and when popular culture does not encourage wives to keep pursuing wifehood, where does she turn to? When the wife becomes a mother and is home more with the children and wondering, "Who am I now?" she will naturally focus more on motherhood than wifehood, even though wifehood is the foundation for motherhood. But if no one tells her that, and she observes that her life has become a cycle of cleaning, cooking, and mothering while her husband focuses on his career, his hobbies, and fathering, what does she have to hold on to? Or for a wife with a career, when things at work are on a up-swing while life at home is not, why wouldn't she want to turn to what gratifies her the most?

Alas, many marriages end when the children are older or career changes occur because 'wifehood' was lost somewhere along the way.

How do we pursue Biblical wifehood then? It would take a whole book to answer that question. Start by reading Tim and Kathy Keller's book. Also, I encourage you to memorize  Colossians 3 or Philippians 2 (that's my project right now). Then practice these quick but not-so-simple tips:

1) Always seek to understand and learn about your husband rather than try to make him more like yourself.

2) Practice kindness. Be the first to say "I'm sorry."

3) Depending on the ages of your children, this may be harder to do, but strive to put your husband first and your children second. Do the same with your career.

4) Be honest rather than manipulative.

5) Don't demolish your husband. Build him up. Support him.

 6) Forgive as God forgave you. REALLY.

You won't achieve every one of these everyday. But be encouraged; every small action, if repeated often enough, will become habit. Keep pursuing Biblical wifehood, with the goal of someday perfecting it.