When I go out with all my kids, I see jaws drop (literally).
How does she do it? they wonder, then assume that I must be unique in some way because they struggle with one or two children.
This is so NOT true.
In my last post, I began to share my tips on how to survive parenthood. The first tip, in case you didn't read the post, was "Focus on the Essentials." Oftentimes, we as parents begin to believe the lie that the most important things in life are yearly vacations to Disneyland, an immaculate designer house, the Little League Championship, and a degree from Stanford. Then we don't realize that we've fallen for the lie until we find ourselves rushing from place to place, yelling at the kids to hurry, and asking ourselves, "Why is parenting so hard?" That is, if we realize it at all. By focusing again on the essentials and making those things a priority, we will find that parenting, though it still may be challenging at times, does not need to be as stressful as we make it to be.
Which brings us to my second tip, concerning this essential: marriage.
Tip #2) Communicate With Your Spouse
There is no way I could parent my eight children without my husband. Parenting is a great burden that he and I carry together.
So, clear communication is key! We have frequent, short "scheduling meetings" just to keep all moving parts running smoothly. But we also often talk about how the children are doing, where they need more encouragement or boundaries, and how we can pray for them. We discuss issues as they arise, or even before they arise, to be sure that we are on the same page.
Now, you're probably thinking, "It sounds like all they ever talk about is their children!" Yes, it is not uncommon for parents to (either knowingly or unknowingly) make their relationship with their children higher priority than their relationship with their spouse as they become buried in food bills, disciplinary issues, and doctor's appointments. And that is why my husband and I do our best to make time for "just the two of us", even with eight children, because more important than communication with your spouse about your children is communication with your spouse about your marriage. If there is bitterness and anger in your marriage, it will seep into your relationships with our children. Your whole family will be affected. This is key: peace in your marriage means peace in your home. Children feel secure and well-loved because they see that Mom and Dad are secure and well-loved.
So make sure your line of communication with your spouse remains open with frequent checkups. Nagging, unkind words, criticism, and complaining can shut down communication. Strive for honesty, forgiveness, kindness, and humbleness. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (ESV)
Depending on where you are with your spouse, you may need to sacrifice extra time and energy to make your marriage healthy. You may need to make changes in your life, which may cause more stress and frustration.
But this short-term stress will pay long-term dividends. If we re-prioritize and make the time to focus on our marriage, we will find that our stress decreases, not increases. Years from now, when your toddlers are pre-teens, your pre-teens are teens, and your teens are adults (yikes!), you will want a strong marriage partner by your side. Don't tell yourself, "Once the kids are out of the house…" Do it now. Parenting is an immense task that God did not mean for anyone to do alone.
There is no way I could parent my eight children without my husband. Parenting is a great burden that he and I carry together.
So, clear communication is key! We have frequent, short "scheduling meetings" just to keep all moving parts running smoothly. But we also often talk about how the children are doing, where they need more encouragement or boundaries, and how we can pray for them. We discuss issues as they arise, or even before they arise, to be sure that we are on the same page.
Now, you're probably thinking, "It sounds like all they ever talk about is their children!" Yes, it is not uncommon for parents to (either knowingly or unknowingly) make their relationship with their children higher priority than their relationship with their spouse as they become buried in food bills, disciplinary issues, and doctor's appointments. And that is why my husband and I do our best to make time for "just the two of us", even with eight children, because more important than communication with your spouse about your children is communication with your spouse about your marriage. If there is bitterness and anger in your marriage, it will seep into your relationships with our children. Your whole family will be affected. This is key: peace in your marriage means peace in your home. Children feel secure and well-loved because they see that Mom and Dad are secure and well-loved.
So make sure your line of communication with your spouse remains open with frequent checkups. Nagging, unkind words, criticism, and complaining can shut down communication. Strive for honesty, forgiveness, kindness, and humbleness. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (ESV)
Depending on where you are with your spouse, you may need to sacrifice extra time and energy to make your marriage healthy. You may need to make changes in your life, which may cause more stress and frustration.
But this short-term stress will pay long-term dividends. If we re-prioritize and make the time to focus on our marriage, we will find that our stress decreases, not increases. Years from now, when your toddlers are pre-teens, your pre-teens are teens, and your teens are adults (yikes!), you will want a strong marriage partner by your side. Don't tell yourself, "Once the kids are out of the house…" Do it now. Parenting is an immense task that God did not mean for anyone to do alone.
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