In Step In Marriage

The unfortunate side effect of the holiday season is that I become a stressed and grumpy wife. After so many days of driving to people's homes, being surrounded by extended family, dealing with children who won't nap, and then attempting to clean my disastrous house, I am not a happy camper. I have to confess, I had not been very kind to my husband lately.

As I repent of my less-than-loving behavior, two images come to mind. Once, as I was waiting at a red light, I saw an elderly Asian couple crossing the street. At first, what I noticed was their matching outfits: khaki pants, black shoes, and similar black jackets. Then, as they walked, I noticed that their steps were perfectly in time, so much that at one angle, I could not tell that there were two people walking in front of me. Even when the couple reached the curb, their steps did not falter. As neatly and gracefully as a hawk lighting onto a branch, the man and woman stepped onto the sidewalk and continued their stroll.

The other image is a passage from The Lord of the Rings.

...Tom and Goldberry set the table; and the hobbits sat half in wonder and half 

in laughter: so fair was the grace of Goldberry and so merry and odd the 

caperings of Tom. Yet in some fashion they seemed to weave a single dance, 

neither hindering the other, in and out of the room, and round about the 

table; and with great speed food and vessels and light were set in order.

I can see it in my mind, this dance of Tom and Goldberry, and if I was a dancer, I would choreograph a performance piece along those lines.

There have been times when my husband and I work together with that much unity. As a team, we take care of the children, make decisions, and tackle problems that arise. I love feeling that connected to my husband.

So, what happened to me these past few days? How come my husband and I have not been 'in step'? Our dance together was clumsy and faltering; we were dancing solo, or tripping over each other. We were housemates, or acquaintances, business partners at best, but hardly best friends and lovers.

I can think of two reasons (and there may be many more, but these are the two I've pinpointed.) One reason is pure selfishness. I have my agenda, and my only thought is to plow ahead until I have accomplished my task. And when my husband's agenda doesn't match mine, I become frustrated and angry because I want him to do what I think needs to be done!

The second reason is lack of communication. I didn't ask my husband what he needed to do yesterday, and I was taken by surprise when he didn't come home until dinner time. Then today, I was ready to go to the grocery store and library, assuming that my husband would stay home with the kids, but forgetting to ask him if he had any plans. Until my husband and I master mind-reading (said tongue in cheek), verbal communication is the key. Marriage books and marriage counselors will tell you this time and time again. I've known it for ten years now, and I still forget it. I'm not a very talkative person to begin with, but that really is no excuse, if I want to be in step in my marriage. This also means being clearer about what I need from my husband and being more honest about my feelings. My New Year's resolution (more on that in my next post) is to communicate better with my husband.

Marriage is not easy; anyone who is married knows this fact. But it doesn't mean that marriages can't be joyful and fulfilling. With work, God's example of love, and the Holy Spirit's help and guidance, two can become one. And our marriages will be a shining example to the world.