Daily Trust

I don't like not knowing. And I especially don't like waiting while not knowing.

Which makes it surprising that I have (almost) six children, because with every child, I reach the point where anxiety begins to creep in as I near the expected due date and there is still so much I do not know. I don't know when the birth will happen. I don't know how the new baby will change the dynamics of the family. I don't know what surprises will come, so I cannot prepare for them. 

That said, I admit that I'm feeling a little tense right now. I want this baby to come NOW, because I'm tired of being pregnant, but more than that, because I want to know what my new life will be like. I'm a person of action, and God is teaching me (constantly) that sometimes action is not the answer. No, TRUST is. Trusting Him when I first find out that I'm pregnant. Trusting Him when people ask "Did you plan to have six? Are you going to have more? How are you going to take care of all these children?!" Trusting Him whenever the unexpected comes my way.

Living the life God intends for me is sometimes about charging forward with courage, and sometimes about resting in Him with patience and faith. Every morning, I have to to trust that He will give me what I need to face that day. So I will wait-- for this baby, for God's timing, and for the courage to face the unknown and tackle it when the time comes to do so.

Learning to Juggle

Let me share with you an excerpt from a wonderful book called Tales of the Kingdom, by David and Karen Mains.

The Apprentice Juggler was sure he would shame the troupe in tonight's performance. He knew he would drop a baton during the pyramid cascade… 

No one knew he was battling his inner count. No one knew that a different rhythm was ticking in his heart than in his hands…

What if he failed before the King? It would serve him right for keeping this hidden thing to himself. All he had ever dreamed of was seeing the King smile in pleasure at his juggling. He had even imagined the King walking over to him and saying, "Well done, young man. You have a special gift."

We have friends staying with us right now. My husband was teaching some of their older children how to juggle, then chose this very appropriate chapter to read to all the children. I listened from the kitchen as I worked on dishes and dinner, straining my ears to catch every little detail, because I knew that this story was worth hearing again.

I've mentioned before how much I love stories, especially ones that gently teach us or remind us of Truth. While I never could get the hang of actual juggling, this story about the Apprentice Juggler was a good reminder for me yesterday. After overhearing a mother talk about homeschooling and all that her daughter was involved in, I started feeling very small. Latin, sports, literature… my children didn't do those things. Her daughter was on track to excel in college, and mine… I'm not sure exactly what path they are on. My homeschooling is a little less academic and structured. It doesn't involve as many classrooms and tests. I can't help but wonder if I'm doing enough, if my daily 'juggling' act is as good as this other mom's. 

You could tell me, "Well, you have five children to school, and she has one," or "You are working with a tight budget in an affluent area," but those aren't the real issues. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this: like the Apprentice Juggler in the story, my inner count is different.

My husband and I are musicians, artists, and writers. Art and music is at the heart of our home, because it is what we do the most, and what we do best. We won't be like the homeschooling family where both parents went to law school. My mind doesn't handle classical education as well as some. And I have to remember that there is nothing wrong with that. God gave me my gifts for a purpose, and it would actually be dishonoring to him if I ignored my gifts in my attempts to be like someone else.

So, how does the story of the Apprentice Juggler end? I could leave you hanging, but I won't. Here is the best part of the story, the part that resonated with my heart.

The beggar [King] motioned for [the Apprentice Juggler] to step closer and whispered, "I saw you juggling just now. Keep your own count. Listen to the rhythm of your own timing..."

The young man's heart was in his throat. What if a ball dropped? What if he tripped? What if he couldn't control his count? Then he remembered the Beggar King and his words, "Listen to the rhythm of your own timing."

He listened. A new count was rising in him, his own count. Joy came tumbling. It filled his hands, his heart. The count was different from anything he had ever heard…

He juggled and somersaulted and dived and counted. Finally, he was done. The crowd laughed. They clapped. They yelled hurrah and stamped their feet and hands.

The Apprentice Juggler bowed. He stood straight and bowed again. This time when he looked up, he was looking directly into the eyes of the King.

The King was smiling his approval.

There is so much more to this beautiful tale. I hope you find a copy of the book and read it in its entirety for yourself. And may these words ring joyfully in your heart today: 

Listen to the rhythm of your own timing... For all who live by the rhythm of the inner timing, which the King approves, find a place in the Kingdom all their own. More than any, they live happily ever after.

Tea and Sympathy

I had tea with my mother-in-law last week. After speaking at the Valentine's Day tea at our church earlier this year, we were presented with gift certificates to a beautiful local establishment. And it only took us six months to use them!

What a wonderful time we had. I am not a froufrou-tea-party kind of girl, but I do like trying unique delicacies and new kinds of tea (pear tea-- yum!), and of course, there's the desserts. I hardly ever say no to desserts!

But the best part was sitting, being served, and reconnecting with my mother-in-law. I have been going non-stop since school ended, and the break from work was like an oasis. 

I am so often encouraged by words of wisdom from older women. Just like me, my mother-in-law is learning about living the life God has intended for her. The difference is, she is now a grandmother and empty-nester, but even so, it is often difficult for her to know how to adjust to the changes in her life. She shared with me what she has learned recently about loving her grandchildren while respecting parents' boundaries and wishes. I am SO thankful that we share the same goal of raising grateful, kind, respectful, loving children!

Then it was my turn to share. We talked a little about recipes and cooking, and I lamented that I want my children to like salad more.

"Maybe I should have made more salad when they were younger," I said.
"I don't think that would have made a difference," my mother-in-law said.
"But if that's all their palates are used to, they wouldn't be so picky about it now."
"But," replied my mother-in-law, "you feed your kids eggs all the time, and now you have one who doesn't like eggs!"

At that moment, our server came with a new pot of tea. But my thoughts lingered on what my mother-in-law had said. How true and how encouraging! There is only so much I can do, and in the end, my children are still individuals with unique tastes and personalities. There are times when they have to make their own choices, and there is no way I can dictate everything they do. It doesn't do me good to beat myself up over little things and bury myself in discouragement and doubt.

We soon finished our goodies and tea, and left the tea house with full stomachs. But I left with so much more than that: a new perspective, words of encouragement, and a full heart. I feel ready to take on the school year, a new baby, and whatever adventures God will bring my way!

A Piece of Peace

On a recommendation from my sister, we visited the Hayward Japanese Garden on Friday. Nobody driving by that small residential street would have guessed that a beautiful haven was hidden there. The sculpted trees, the sound of a waterfall, the paths branching off to little gazebos and alcoves… I had to constantly remind the children not to run or shout because it felt intrusive to do so. We sat for a long time watching the jeweled koi fish and the lazy turtles. The children were quiet as they sketched the animals. I found myself wanting to drift off to sleep, right there on the bench; it was all so soothing. Or maybe I could come back and do some writing, I thought, or better yet, build myself a similar garden someday. I felt safe there, I felt at peace… I didn't want to leave.

I imagined the ancient Japanese culture that first started creating zen and tea gardens. I imagined they felt the same as me, needing a place of sanctuary in the midst of feudal chaos, constant warring, and certain uncertainty. If they could find peace in their garden, they can face the hardships of life.

But is that true? The peace I felt in that garden was, really, only a piece of peace. The trees and waterfall could never keep out the dangers of the world. Even as I looked around, I saw signs saying "Surveillance cameras on site because of vandalism". What I really needed was  to be able to take the peace of the garden with me, for it to be inside me…

I am so thankful for God in my life. I am so glad that though I sometimes feel like the disciples in the boat, fearful of being washed away by the storm, Jesus is there with me, able to calm the storm with a simple command. He gives me peace, and not just a piece of peace, but peace that is whole, the peace of God which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). 

In Good Humor

One of the many things I love about my husband is how he makes me laugh. Sometimes before falling asleep in bed, we start chatting, then we get goofy, and we end our day together in laughter. We have so many inside jokes that most people would just look at us and think we're crazy. For example...

My husband says, "You're so gorgeous! How do you do it?"

I reply, "I breathe in, and I breathe out."

"You make it look so easy!" he says.

It's silly, I know. Don't worry if you don't understand.

We also like puns, though there is a certain population who groans and argues that puns are the lowest form of humor there is. But I argue back with this: puns are rarely made at the expense of another person.

I see the things that people pass on on Facebook. I know some of those jokes are meant to be funny. But many of them just make me angry, because many of them put down marriage and husbands, and perpetuate the idea that men are generally useless and dumb. One example I saw the other day said something like this:

"What is marriage?" a girl asks her mother.
Her mother replies, "Marriage is adopting a male child who is too old to live with his parents."

And then there are the 'lists'. They are usually titled 'Top Ten…' or '25 Things to Know About…' I read one of these lists because it was about pregnant women (addressed to the men in their lives) and I felt my anger growing within me. (I had promised not to rant on my blog, so I will do my best to keep my words toned down.) The list, again in an attempt to be funny, said things like "Pregnant women are lazy." and "You will lose your place in bed to pillows." Then the author elaborated on these statements by telling the men to "just accept this", "take care of yourself", and "don't tell the women about this list."

No encouragement to be supportive: But you are BETTER than pillows! Love on your wife during this time! Talk to her! Hug her!
No emphasis on being understanding and serving: Know that pregnancy can make women feel tired and uncomfortable. Ask her how you can help with daily tasks.

There are so many things this author COULD have said instead.

Humor is wonderful. I love to laugh! But I would rather laugh with my husband than at my husband. And not all jokes are good; jokes that cloak a deeper message can be harmful. Next time you hear or read a joke, think about it. Are you laughing only because a certain other person is not in the room? Is this a joke you could tell your spouse or children? Is there a subtext to this joke that is not in line with God's word? Ask yourself these questions before you join in the banter in the break room or pass the joke on on your Facebook page. And remember these words from I Peter 3:

Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For "whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."

Fishes and Loaves

I did our monthly budget yesterday. (A week late, I know, but at least it's done!)

What once was a short list of expenditures has now grown to include the bug exterminator, a cell phone, various insurances, and school-related items. The amount we spend on food is double what it was a few years ago, and for the first time in a LONG time, we had to pay taxes this year, so now I'm setting aside money every month for that too.

And even after all that, there was money left over this month! I checked my math. I checked it again. From the meager little we have, God has multiplied it, with some to spare. I don't know how He does it. I keep looking at the numbers, and I know they shouldn't add up that way.

Some months are like this (a little more breathing room) and other months are tight, but God has never, NEVER left us. He provides for us so abundantly that I WANT to be generous to others-- missionaries, widows and orphans, strangers on the street. And I praise God, our heavenly Father, for watching over me and my family day after day.

Praise God!

Seven weeks to go until Baby Baird is due, and I find myself becoming more and more introspective. Maybe it's because there is a person with his/her own will inside my abdomen, waking when I want to sleep, stretching when I'm taking a breath, and kicking when I'm trying to sing (although, I take that as a sign that he/she likes music!). My introversion may also be due to some heart-wrenching news from my brother-in-law's church, on top of my long list of 'things to do before baby arrives', and general fatigue…

Whatever it is, I know that I haven't been praising God as I should. It's not that I'm NOT thankful for the healthy baby, the time to be with my children and my friends, or the energy to do my lesson-planning, but I have forgotten to express my gratitude to the Giver of Gifts. I have forgotten to be actively praising Him. And I admit there is the part of me that is selfish and whiny, envious of the things I know I will lose (like sleep), wondering how I will handle a newborn on top of everything else I do. And then there is the part of my heart that is hurting so much from the horrible news, that it doesn't want to praise God, or even know how to do so. But my head tells my heart that I must praise Him, because He is deserving of it, and I know from past experience that whenever I praise God, my heart is lifted and my strength restored. 

As soon as this realization hit me, my mind jumped to the recent sermon series at our church. Did you know that while we have ONE word for 'praise' in the English Bible, the original language has SEVEN?! Our church body has been exploring these seven words and learning that praise is much more than singing in a building on a Sunday morning. We have learned that praise is sacrifice, music, shouting, adoration, and serving in the Body. It can be physical, but more importantly, it is internal-- it is not enough to sing or lift your hands if your heart is hard.

So now I can meditate on seven ways to praise the Lord. Instead of resorting to my usual "thank you God for…", I know that praising can be spontaneous or intentional. It can be quiet or loud. I don't have to raise my hands, but I also don't have to worry about what other people would think if I do raise my hands. Let me share with you these Hebrew words for praise:

zamar- to make music
yadah- to shoot hands upward
todah- hands in front with palms up; an offering of thanksgiving, to surrender, to receive
halal- explosive, uncontainable praise (as in 'hallelulujah!')
barak- to bow or kneel; submission
shabach- to shout or be loud; to commend
tehillah- to sing

And here is an example of how these words are used in the original text. See how reading the text with the different forms of praise adds such color and depth to the passage!

My heart is steadfast, O God!
I will zamar with all my being!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
I will yadah to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will tehillah to you among the nations.
~ Psalm 108:1-3 (ESV)

Different Bible translations will have different ways of expressing these forms of praise-- some are specific and say "music" or "sing" when the words zamar or tehillah are used. But sometimes, the translation simply states 'praise'.  If you are one who loves to study the Word in the original Greek or Hebrew, there is a free computer program that will translate the English text for you. It is called e-sword, and you can download it here: e-sword. There is also an app for your phone, called Accordance, if you would rather have a portable version.

What is most helpful to me is knowing that I CAN praise God even when I am not wanting to tehillah or halal. When my heart is heavy, that is when I todah. When I am confessing, I barak. When I am in awe, I yadah.

Meditate on these words. There is much to praise God for. Even when it's difficult, and our souls are not wanting to do so, we can praise Him. And remember, it is not about your motions or emotions-- it is about your heart, and giving praise to the One who is sovereign and holy.