A Fickle Gut

A short post today. This is what I was thinking about in the wee early hours as I lay in bed...

My gut is broken.

And by gut, I don't mean my intestinal insides that be can fixed by changing my diet and ingesting more probiotics, or my changes in appetite throughout the nine months of pregnancy. I mean the instinct inside me that is supposed to guide me through life. Somewhere along the way, during my childhood years, between moving so often, being bullied, not feeling affirmed enough, growing up in the Chinese tradition–a myriad of things–my "guide" broke.

Sometimes "following your gut" is a good thing, but in my case, I would be in a world of trouble, because my gut is not always trustworthy. 

I would take my small revenge–my gut tells me,"You deserve it. He/she owes it to you."

I would be fearful of everything–my gut says, "Something out there will hurt you or your child."

I would doubt myself all the time–my gut whispers, "Don't try it. You'll probably fail." or "Rita, you made a mistake... again."

I would avoid conflict–my gut screams, "Run away! Protect yourself!"

We are broken people living in a broken world. Life happens–the good and the bad–and most of the time, my jerk reaction to the bad is just not reliable. This is a lesson I need to learn again and again: trust in the Word, trust the Holy Spirit's promptings, and trust people I know in the family of God. When I get lax and overly confident in my own abilities, I go with my emotions; then without realizing it, I may choose to take the easy route, the route of self-preservation. But that route is not always the right route. 

Overriding my natural responses and emotions is not easy. It's an uncomfortable place to be–sometimes it's downright painful!–but it's better than listening to the fickleness of my gut.

The Big "What-Ifs"

In the past two years...

a friend lost a husband,

a friend lost a wife,

a friend lost a child,

a friend lost a parent to cancer,

and a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.

This is basically my list of the Big "What-Ifs". 

Other what-ifs aren't so scary. My husband could lose his job–no biggie, been there, done that. Our house could burn down; that's just stuff, stuff comes and stuff goes.

But to lose my husband, my child, my parent, or my health... I have to ask myself, "Would I start doubting God's love and faithfulness? Would I turn from him? or doubt his existence? How would I respond?" And these things could happen to me. Four of these five friends are my age. 

Seeing my friends go through these heart-breaking, soul-crushing times have been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. The only thing harder would be experiencing them myself. 

But–if this is any comfort to people going through a hardship right now–it's because of my friends that I'm no longer afraid of the Big "What-Ifs." 

Because I've seen my friends go through these times, and come out the other side.

Because I've seen how their faith carried them along when they had no strength left.

Because I've seen our church family surround my friends with love and care.

And because I've seen the Savior cover them in His wings and draw them near, even when He felt the most distant and silent.

There are some changes coming in the next few months for my family, and thinking about the unknown always causes a ball of anxiety to collect in the pit of my stomach. 

But I don't have to be afraid. God is the faithful Shepherd, and through green pastures or the Valley of the Shadow of Death, He is always with me.

The Fruit of the Spirit is...

 JOY!

Last month, I shared about the "Fruit of the Spirit Project," started by a friend of mine. Every month, she delivers a box full of small gifts that represent one of the fruit of the Spirit. Last month was Love, and this month is Joy!

Two days ago, I received a box that contains an envelope labeled "Joy" (with a letter inside), a scented candle, a small macramé hanging, a tiny chick, chocolate bark, and an adorable fake succulent in a little pot. As cute as my new tiny succulent is, I think the best part of the box is the letter my friend writes. She reminds me that trials will come in life, but as Christ followers we can "count it all joy when you fall into various trials." (James 1:2) Life right now is not easy; we are all carrying heavy burdens of different shapes and sizes. But we can see it from a different perspective: there is a unique joy that results from our most difficult times.

Is there someone in your life that needs this reminder too? Are there people you know who could use some encouragement today? Consider starting your own "Fruit of the Spirit Project" to spread the joy!

Caring for Your Pastor's Wife

"Oh, so you're Nathan Baird's wife."

Those words make me nervous. That's because my husband is a pastor. His face is on our church website. He gets up and speaks in front of people. 

I'm usually just doing my thing–watching my little ones, helping out in the nursery, baking desserts for the high school events. But once I hear those words, "Nathan Baird's wife", I start wondering, "What sort of expectations are tied in with that?" This didn't bother me when my husband was a teacher. Or when he was a graphic designer. Hearing those words then usually meant the person is looking forward to get to know me, because they already know my husband. But when I'm at church and I hear those words, I imagine that the person thinks he/she has already figured me out.

Because you have to admit that in Christian circles, there are expectations of what a "pastor's wife" should look like or act like: she's put together, always smiling and welcoming, her children are quiet and well-behaved, and she leads the choir, cook for potlucks, and teaches Sunday School. In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is treated like the First Lady (in some churches, the pastor's wife is called the "First Lady"!) In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is an unspoken job description (my mom, also a pastor's wife, says it's like a "two-for-one deal.")

I'll say this outright–I hate it.

Growing up as a "pastor's kid" (also known as a "PK"), I hated the burden put on on family simply because of my father's position. I agree that as a Christian leader, my father is an example for others, but this usually led his congregation to believe two things: 

1) he NEVER makes mistakes or does anything wrong

2) his family are perfect leaders too

As a PK, I played piano, then ran and taught Sunday school, then ran back to play the last two songs in the service. I led the youth group while still a youth myself. It was assumed that I didn't need discipleship or guidance. My mom, a quiet, introverted woman, was not a natural leader. Sometimes if felt like were thrown into the arena with the lions. Simply said, this did not promote spiritual growth in me or my siblings. I'm sure it didn't help my mom either.

So now, as a pastor's wife myself, I want to share with you some insight on how you can care for a pastor's wife.

1) Give her time.

One of the hardest tasks is juggling church activities while raising children. In some cases, the children get the short end of the stick. Give a pastor's family time to just be together, at home. They shouldn't spend every evening at the church building. They don't need to attend every church event. And remember that Sunday is a work day for a pastor, so his wife is juggling children alone. She should not be pressured to take on another task on a Sunday morning. Nor in the afternoon. She may need that time to nap and rest. Pastors and their wives need a Sabbath too.

2) Give her space.

I know a pastor's wife who is a professional artist (you've probably bought greeting cards designed by her!) I know a pastor's wife who quietly serves and reaches out to people, but would prefer not to speak in front of people. And I know one who has a beautiful singing voice and is a wonderful worship leader.

We all have different gifts. Some find it easy to interact with people, others find it draining. Some love to teach the Word, others are still learning. A pastor's wife loves people (as all Christians are called to love people), but how she does it will look different from person to person. Give the woman space to grow in her gifts and figure out how best she can serve the church.

But whatever she chooses to do (or chooses NOT to do), her job first and foremost is to be a pastor's wife in the truest sense–she is vital support for her husband. She should not be so loaded down with duties that she is distracted from her role as a wife.

3) Give her courage.

The word "encourage" has two parts: "to put in" and "courage or heart." You can give a pastor's wife courage by encouraging her. Pastor's wives may look confident and strong, but they doubt themselves just like everyone else. They feel discouragement and despair just like everyone else. They may feel unsure of themselves, or unsure of their ministry within in the church. But when you see them on a Sunday, they will still give you a big smile and say that everything is okay.

So encourage them in all they do as a mother, wife, servant, leader, and Christ follower. Tell them that they are doing a great job. Make time for real conversation; ask about her heart. This is not the time to ask about her "job" or make her feel like you're "checking up" on her. Instead of "How is Sunday school going?", ask "How is your marriage?", "What are you learning from the Word?" or "Are you feeling joyful? rested? peaceful?" She may not answer (a pastor's wife is always in the difficult position of knowing how much to divulge), but she will be encouraged to know that someone is seeing her beyond her role as "the pastor's wife."

4) Give her grace.

What if the pastor's wife said something unkind? What if she got impatient? What if she yelled at her kids? What if she cried? Would this make you uncomfortable? A pastor's wife is a woman like every other woman. Don't treat her like she is Superwoman, or God.

I am so grateful that my church does not pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. As a pastor's wife, I want to be acting out of love, not out of obligation. Think about how your church views the role of the pastor's wife. Is there something that needs to be changed?

The Fruit of the Spirit is...

LOVE!

You've probably noticed that I haven't been writing a whole lot. Life feels rather ho-hum right now. Christmas is over, winter rains and cloudy days are upon us. More and more friends are moving out of state. And while I don't feel like life is "on hold" just because much of California is still shut down, it takes more energy than usual just maintaining normal interactions. Most of my free time is spent making cards, cooking meals for those in need, doing front porch visitations (with cookies!), and trying to come up with other ways to keep our spirits up and to encourage people. Our Christmas tree is still up, just to bring bring some cheer.

Imagine my surprise today when we heard a knock on the door. Standing outside was a friend whom I haven't seen in months! And in her hands was a box, mysteriously labeled "Fruit of the Spirit Project." She handed me the box and told me (also mysteriously) that was a part of something she's doing.

I gasped when I opened the box!

Inside was an envelope labeled "Love" (with a letter inside), a heart-shaped cookie, heart-shaped chocolates, a face mask, a prayer journal, a blank greeting card with a stamped envelope, heart-shaped stickers, a rose-shaped bath bomb, and a decorative heart for hanging.

And this is not because Valentine's Day is coming up! This is what my friend wrote in her letter:

In this new year, the Lord put it on my heart to incorporate joy again into my life. Which we should all have, right? Being a social, creative person is my joy. Thus the idea of "The Fruit of the Spirit Project" came into mind.

My Word-loving friend found an amazing way to spread joy! What a great way to use her talents! Her goal is to design a box (one per month) for each of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Then she delivers the boxes to encourage people (like me) and remind us too to remain strong in the Word. With one simple box, I feel so loved, so cared for, and so encouraged in the midst of these dark and lonely days!

So I encourage you too to start your own "Fruit of the Spirit" project. Maybe you can do this with family to give to your friends and neighbors. What can you think of to put in a "love" box?

(I will share with you what comes in each box as they arrive!)

Popping the Bubble

Over the years, I had found that being a homeschooling mom who works from home and whose husband is a pastor means that my world can be very small. If you draw a Venn diagram of my friends and acquaintences, it would look more like one big circle instead of several overlapping circles.

Sheltering in place with Covid has not helped. The longer I stay home, the easier it gets to ignore the world around me and focus on my own little bubble of happiness.

Then recently, my family joined our church for an outdoor evening service. It felt a little strange at first, sitting in the parking lot, on a lawn chair, in a chalk-drawn circle, singing with masks on. But I started looking around me.

And this is what I saw: what used to be done inside a building, behind walls and out of sight, was now being done in the open. People were gathered, singing and praying together. Everyone who drove by, biked by, walked by, or flew by could see us worshipping God. They could see me worshipping God! I was always shy about worshiping and praying in public, even when inside with people I know, and now I was doing it outside.

If nothing else, Covid has brought God's people all around our country out of their buildings. And I hope that we are doing more than just singing in parking lots. Let's get out of our bubbles! What can you do today?

Renewed Joy in Serving

Serving in the church has been a part of my life since my childhood. Being the daughter of a pastor meant I was at church all the time. As soon as I was big enough, I was asked to help sweep, clean toys, and set up chairs. When my parents noticed my musical gifts and my love for children, I was asked to play piano and help in Sunday School. For the most part, I was always happy to help. As a young Christian entering my high school years, I continued to serve faithfully–every Sunday–because I was doing what I loved.

But then something changed in my college years. My dad planted a church. And I started serving for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I was filling a hole. Sometimes I enjoyed the attention and the praise. Sometimes I served because it was what I did on Sundays, like a job. I didn’t pray about how I should serve, or ask God to guide me. Soon, I grew weary, bitter, and discontent.

A decade later, married with young children and attending Valley Bible Church, I sat listening as Gary Darnell taught on Ephesians 4. I finally learned the purpose of serving: “to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ” (v. 12). This image of “building up the body” is repeated in the chapter:

”Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” (Ephesians 4:15-16)

We are constantly bombarded with messages like “follow your heart”, “find your passion”, “do what makes you happy”. Previously I had fallen into the trap of chasing happiness by serving, happiness as the goal instead of a delightful outcome. But Christian joy in service comes when we partner with God in his care for his family, when we response to God’s message of grace and love. Maturing, we develop a deeper love for fellow brothers and sisters and for the Heavenly Father. As I grew in my faith, my original love for singing grew into a love to sing in order to bring people into a place of worship. My love for children and teaching grew into a love to unify the church through the Word and encourage the whole body to grow. 

I didn’t realize this growth in me until last year, when the pastor to women saw my love for hospitality and asked me to help with the women’s ministry Equip Day. I felt an urge to say “yes” because of this love. But I also hesitated because I didn’t want to fall into the old trap, to say “yes” just to fill a hole. And so I prayed and realized that to say “yes” would be to live in God’s will; it would be a way for me to encourage the body to grow. Though participating in Equip Day involved public speaking (something that I do not love), my greater desire to see the church body flourish empowered me to set aside my fear of public speaking.

Last week’s message in Romans 12 reminded me that my renewed joy in serving came when, through “sober judgment" (v.3) and a desire to benefit the body of Christ, I extended my gift of hospitality beyond simply doing something I love. God provided the “measure of faith” required to use my gift of hospitality to equip and build up my VBC family. And it was a joy!

(This post was originally published on Valley Bible Church's website, the VBC Blog.)

Adopt a Grandparent!

At our church's 4th of July picnic, I noticed an older woman dressed festively in a red and white striped shirt. Though she needed a walker to move about, she was right in the middle of the activities–watching the water balloon toss, trying the different desserts, chatting with people of all ages. She came right up to me and started talking to me about my young children. We became fast friends.

By the end of the picnic, I knew many things about Kathy. One of her two brothers died when he was fairly young. Her sister Rita (a connection!) passed away last year. Her husband died a few years before that. Of her four children, only one is still living. Her family is now only her other brother, her nephew, her son, and herself. She lives with her brother, but her son does not live in the area. She has no grandchildren.

I, on the other hand, have grandchildren to spare. Immediately, in my mind, I adopted Kathy. She and her brother came for dinner recently and they had a fabulous time. They loved the children, the food, the conversation and the music, and my husband and I enjoyed their delightful company. I'm already planning to invite them to Thanksgiving dinner, and to make it known to them that they always have a place at my house on the holidays.

I have a deep love for inter-generational interactions. I grew up in the United States, oceans apart from my grandparents in Hong Kong. Now I see the role of grandparents in a child's life. Grandparents are a direct link to our past, and it is in that relationship where children first learn how to interact with people who are older, and hopefully wiser, and yet are not their parents. It is where children learn to care for someone who may need to move a little slower or need special care. And by spending time with their grandparents, children grow comfortable with being with people who are elderly. And children play a very important part in an elderly person's life too. They bring joy, energy, and a spark to everything. Their wide-eyed wonder makes anyone, no matter how old, feel young again.

You may not be living near your parents. You may sadly have parents who had already passed away. Or maybe your relationship with your parents is tenuous and unstable. In any case, I encourage you to reach out to the older members of your community and adopt a grandparent or two. They will be blessed, and so will you.

Final Thoughts on Hospitality (Part 5 of 5)

Hospitality sounds complicated, but it really isn’t. 

Magazines, stores, TV shows, and Pinterest make standards look impossible to achieve, but notice that the Bible doesn’t mention anything about cooking, decorating, cleaning your house, or being a good conversationalist. It simply says “seek to show hospitality.” Dioko philoxenia. Pursue a love of strangers. Cultivate it. With confidence, use the gifts that God gave you and be the first to reach out and make a connection. You don’t have to qualify somehow before you can practice hospitality. It’s as simple as a child going up to another child in the park and asking “Do you want to play with me?” or “Do you want to share my cookie?” That’s hospitality. 

And though I say it’s simple, I know it’s not always easy. We all have obstacles to overcome. Some aspects of hospitality will come easily to you, and some will be hard. Scripture memorization is easy for some people, and difficult for others. But just because it's hard doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

And sometimes practicing hospitality takes courage. Sometimes it takes energy. Sometimes it takes repentance and inviting over the person that you feel had wronged you somehow. Being obedient in hospitality, like any spiritual discipline, takes work, practice, and preparation. And as a followers of Christ, we are called to be hospitable. We are called to obey. It’s evangelism. It’s loving your neighbor as yourself, one of the great commandments given by Jesus. So don’t discredit hospitality as something other people do, or something you can do someday. 

Of course, obedience doesn’t mean inviting people over even if you are ill, or you had a baby recently, or you are dealing with family issues. If your own life isn’t in “order” (for example, if your marriage is struggling) you need to take care of that first. Those are times to receive hospitality. There are seasons when you will practice hospitality more and seasons when you will practice hospitality less–that’s natural. I myself go through phases. I’ll have people over every week for several weeks in a row, then I need to take a break for a few weeks. I'm naturally an introvert and so I need time to recharge.

And–this is important–I need to practice hospitality without grumbling.

I Peter 8:8-9 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. 

There has been times when I’m getting ready for a dinner and I’m tired and have a bad attitude. 

"Last thing I want to do is host a party right now," I would say to myself. "I'd rather hide in a hole." 

But remember the story of sisters Mary and Martha. Martha  is busy serving and preparing a meal while Mary simply sits at Jesus's feet. When Martha asks Jesus to tell her sister to help with dinner, Jesus says, “She has chosen the better thing.” I never understood this before. Was it wrong for Martha to be making a meal while Jesus was there?  No, Jesus gently scolds Martha, not because what she was doing wasn’t worth the time, but because she was grumbling. Her heart was in the wrong place. She wasn’t really being hospitable. But Mary was. 

The beauty of the way my story ends is that God still uses my shortcomings to bless me. After having people over, I’m always glad I did it. 

To end this series on hospitality, here is a quote from Joanne Thompson’s book “Table Life- Savoring the Hospitality of Jesus in Your Home.”

“Christian hospitality is like a great harvest of bread, delighting us with a joy only God can supply. It’s common to hear phrases like “pray by faith,” “witness by faith,” “give by faith.” But how often have you heard someone say, “I entertain by faith”? It sounds unfamiliar, doesn’t it? Our tendency is to categorize hospitality into two groups of people: those who naturally love to entertain and those who say, “That’s not my thing.” Both perspectives may be devoid of faith. And yet it is faith–that is, our living connection with God– that opens the door for every Christ follower to experience God’s treasures of the table.

Hospitality is more about your faith than your competence. A farmer can’t create a single grain of wheat himself, but by faith, he cooperates with God by tilling, planting, watering, and expecting a great return. Sharing your table isn’t fueled by faith in your magnificent entertaining skills or gregarious personality; it’s believing that God will satisfy hearts as well as appetites when you share your table in Jesus’ name.”

The Call to Hospitality- Passing on Blessings (Part 4 of 5)

My husband and I and our friend Susan recently had an opportunity to visit the home of an Iraqi refugee. We were invited into the small apartment and offered sweet, delicious Turkish coffee. It was hot that day; there was no air conditioning in the home. The family did not own much; their furniture were most likely second-hand. But we chatted for hours and left feeling like old friends.

Sometimes I forget that hospitality doesn't depend on the size of my home, or the price of my furniture, or the food I offer my guests. I live in an area where many of the homes, inside and out, look like they could be featured on a magazine cover. I feel the pressure to impress. But as I mentioned in previous posts, biblical hospitality is not entertaining or showing off. Biblical hospitality is taking what God has given me and multiplying it by sharing it with others.

So what does that look like? My family has sit-down dinners, so we invite people join us. I sing and play the piano, so on occasion I will visit the elderly in nursing homes and play for them. When I bake, I will make an extra loaf for a neighbor. I have a car, so I can offer someone a ride. I'm not a gardener, but if you are, you can drop off a bouquet or veggies at someone’s home. If you have time while riding the airplane, chat with the person next to you instead of scrolling on your phone. If you are sitting with friends at church, invite a new person to sit with you. There are an incredible number of ways to be hospitable when we focus on what we have, more than what we don't have! And you can be hospitable in ways that I cannot!

In the first century church, Christians opened up their homes to host church meetings. They shared everything. Acts 4 says there was not a needy person among them. People noticed that Jews and Gentiles, masters and slaves, men and women, rich and poor were welcomed. They would gather for dinners that Bible scholars call "love feasts", where communion would be shared and Christ's sacrifice be remembered.

And that is what I picture heaven to be, a giant potluck where people of all different ages and backgrounds gather together to feast. We all bring something to contribute to the meal and we all partake of what others had brought. Everyone feels welcomed and loved. It's the most amazing party of ever!

That is hospitality. A bit of heaven to earth.

The Call to Hospitality- Ambassadorship (Part 2 of 5)

Did you know… the most hospitable person who ever lived was a homeless man?

This man was Jesus of Nazareth, who never threw a party in his home, but invited everyone he met to the biggest and grandest party that ever was–the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus talked about the Kingdom more than anything else (yes, more than anger, murder, hypocrisy or adultery)! Everywhere he went, he shared about the Kingdom and revealed this Kingdom through his actions: he ate with the outcasts, he fed people, he called the friendless to be his friend, he touched people who were deemed unclean, he comforted the sad and lonely. This is hospitality.

And that is what we are called to do too. Hospitality is being an ambassador of the King of Heaven. As ambassadors, we are going out in Jesus’s behalf and representing the King of heaven to the world. This is the King who loved us even when we were his enemies. This is the King of peace and hope and unconditional love. And we get to wear that badge! And if we’re ambassadors, then our homes are an embassy, a safe place where people can find a peace and comfort that they may not find elsewhere. A cup of tea, a chair, and a listening ear are all you really need for this kind of hospitality.

But it’s not just in our homes that people should feel loved; it’s in our presence. You make people “at home”, and you can do that anywhere. It can be an another person’s house. It can be at work. This is the fundamental difference between being hospitable and entertaining. Any person can entertain and have friends over. Any event coordinator can throw an impressive party. Any interior decorator can make a house look lovely. But hospitality is the overflow of an inner change, an evidence of maturing in Christ. As you mature in Christ, you become more and more an ambassador of heaven, and people see that in you. 

Paul writes in his letter to the Romans:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.... (Romans 12:1-2 ESV)

You may already be familiar with these verses. They talk about growing and becoming more Christ-like and standing out in this world. See, though, what Paul says as he continues with his list of ways to grow in our faith. Just a few verses down, he writes:

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13 ESV)

Have you ever noticed that hospitality is on this list? If you want to be more Christ-like, you must seek to show hospitality!

And what does it mean to "seek to show?" In the Greek, the word is dioko, a very strong verb meaning "to pursue, to cultivate, to strive toward, or to run after". In the NIV, the word is translated to "practice", but it would be practice with intense effort and a definite purpose or goal. My husband studied the work dioko and discovered that it was the same word used in Acts 9:5 to describe Saul and his persecution of early Christ followers. Saul was intensely pursuing Christians to kill them. We should be intensely pursuing people to love them. This is not a haphazard activity or weekend hobby! If we are mature followers of Christ, we should be actively looking for opportunities to show hospitality, because God’s love is overflowing in us so much that we "Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:14-15 ESV). We desire to reach out because we know that we are representatives of the God of love. 

So the first step in understanding biblical hospitality is knowing that it is not limited to your home. We are not called to throwing impressive Pinterest-worthy parties. Remember my definition from the last post: hospitality is showing love to your neighbor and caring for him/her in ways that embody the home. I seek to look beyond my circle of family and friends and people with whom I feel most comfortable. I strive to show hospitality to the librarian and the grocer and the mom at the park. I work to show hospitality even to the person who spoke to me rudely or the neighbor who seems to be antagonistic towards me. After all, God loved us while we were still his enemies (Romans 5:8) and as His ambassadors, He calls us to do the same.

Little Ones to Him Belong

I was singing lullabies to my one-year-old when I was suddenly overwhelmed by the words coming out of my mouth.

Little ones to Him belong

They are weak but He is strong

Just the thought of the children suffering in my own neighborhood and around the world brings me to tears.

Almost every day I wish I could adopt a beautiful child from China or Africa. I wish I had the ability to do foster care or adopt domestically. God gave me eight amazing children to care for, and they surely need to be my first priority, but I wouldn't even hesitate to add to the number if I could. There are too many children out there who need a real loving family.

Just to give you an idea of how real this need is, here are some statistics about children growing up in the U.S. foster care system:

-71% of girls who age out of the system will be pregnant by the age 21
-50% of children who age out of the system will develop a substance dependence
-60% of child sex trafficking victims recovered in 2013 were children from foster care
-33% of children who age out of the system become homeless

The good news is that I have recently learned about two organizations that may allow me to help, in small ways. 

The first is Foster the Bay, a Bay Area organization that works with churches to build a support system for foster families. They started 3 years ago, when a social worker approached a group of pastors and said that there was a need for more foster families, could you help? Right now, there are twice as many foster children as there are families who can take them in. The goal of Foster the Bay is to see the number of children waiting for foster homes go down by raising awareness and help through local churches. Imagine, with the high number of churches in this area, if every church fostered one child, what a difference that would make! I attended an informational meeting this morning and I am excited to take part in the work they do! My family isn't able to foster, but we can definitely be a support for a family that will be fostering.

The second is Safe Families, a nation-wide non-profit organization that strives to keep families together by helping through the difficult times. If a parent is unable to take care of a child but has no outside support, he/she can get help through Safe Families to get counseling or rehab or rest while the child is safely, and temporarily, being taken care of. The child may stay with a host family for a weekend, or a month. The maximum length is one year and the goal is always to reunite the child with the parent. Check out the Safe Families website to see if there is a location near you.

Maybe this post will inspire you to do something that you've never thought about doing before. Look into adoption and foster care. Pray about it. Make the sacrifices. We were ourselves adopted to into God's family–what better gift then could we give a little one?

On Being the Older Woman (part 2)

This morning we had at our church what we call 'Fusion Sunday'. This means that the high school and middle school ministry leaders are on a break (or a retreat) and all the teenagers join the adults for the morning service.

I don't know what your opinion is on teenagers, but I LOVE 'Fusion Sunday's. When we stood up to sing, I could see my oldest son towering over me, and my oldest daughter on the other side of him, both singing with me. From where I stood, I also saw four young men sitting front row center. These teenagers did not choose to slump in the back row so that they can scroll through the phones during the service. They were worshipping with all their hearts and listening intently to every word the pastor said.

"Here is the next generation of leaders," I told myself. "I need to pray for them."

It's popular nowadays for people to attend the same church but separate for worship services: teenagers go here, college students go there, senior citizens can attend the 'hymns' only service, children go to the nursery. We find it easy to group with people who are most like us, but if we continue to do this, churches will either become more and more homogenous or more and more detached. And like I mentioned in my last post, we need the older generations, because we learn from them. Which means our younger generations need to spend time with us too.

In a short ten years, our teenagers will be our adults and our toddlers will be our teenagers. What are you doing to ensure that the baton is passed?

On Being the Older Woman

Ten years ago, when my family first started attending Valley Bible Church, I was in awe of the women I met there. It seemed like every woman I talked to was welcoming, beautiful, joyful, kind, and gracious. Some were homeschooling moms with four or more children. Some were grandmothers. But no matter what stage of life they were in, these women were strong yet humble leaders in the church, working together to serve the youth, missions, children's ministry, and events. I didn't sense that there was a pecking order; the church did not feel like a social club. (Isn't it sad that I even had to write that, because there are churches out there like that?)

At the time, I had just turned thirty, and was still trying to figure out life with three children, ages five and under. I struggled with my sense of self and with my security in God's peace and love. And after six years of serving in a church plant with mostly other twenty-somethings, I was hungry for wisdom from older women. 

These women have not let me down–they are the real deal–and they have been my role models for the past ten years (whether they knew it or not). Through conversations, Bible studies, and serving alongside the older women, I have grown immensely. They have taught me about true beauty, one that flows out from the Spirit living inside. They have taught me about interdependence and living in community. They have taught me about being a good wife and mother and what it means to be a daughter of God.

I realized recently, when I turned forty, that I am now the "older" woman that the younger women in my church might look up to. I pray I am just as gracious, kind, joyful, and humble as my role models. And this year, I will be speaking three times at my church, on three different subjects. Marriage, parenting, and hospitality are all things that I had been studying these past ten years and have become passionate about. Never would I have imagined that I would be ask to speak on them! I am looking forward to sharing what I know, and I hope to do a good job! 

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior… They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women…  ~Titus 2:3-4

Doing What Comes Unnaturally

Today is our church's annual Fourth of July picnic. Normally, large gatherings like this make me cringe. I feel nervous around people I don't know and overwhelmed when there are so many individuals and so many conversations. And in a crowd, it is easy for me to hide and just avoid talking to people all together.

I've learned that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Some people give excuses and stay home from these kinds of church events. Some come and sit only with their family, unsure of how to reach out to meet new people. And I see few people going over to invite them to sit with them or to play volleyball, maybe because they too are fearful and feel awkward about "breaking the ice". It is natural to want to stay comfortably within your own social circle. 

But we are family– the family of God! In John 17, Jesus prays this for us: I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. We should be reaching out to include everyone, even if it feels unnatural!

So, push aside your fear! If you too want to do what comes unnaturally (which, by the way, is a play-on words. "Doing What Comes Naturally" is a song from the musical "Annie Get Your Gun"), here are the steps that I go through:

1) Prepare mentally

When I attend large events such as the women's brunch or the church camping trip, I give myself a mission: to seek out those who need a friend. I still connect with old friends, but I don't give myself any excuses to not go up to a new person and simply say "hi!" Sometimes, the person who needs a friend is someone I already know. My goal is to love on anyone who needs it, so no one will feel excluded. (And here's a tip: I do this for Sunday mornings too. My church is big enough that newcomers can slip in and out if no one makes the effort to reach out to them.)

2) Pray

Once, when I was fairly new to my church, I was at a women's retreat. I did not know anyone really well, and as I wandered from room to room, I noticed that most of the women were already settled into conversation with their friends. So I grabbed my crochet project, found a quiet but central place and began to pray that God would send to me that woman that He would like me to meet. After a few minutes, a woman with a knitting project came and asked if she could sit with me. And that's how I met my friend Beth!

3) Think of questions to ask

Conversations don't need to be awkward. Start with introductions, and move on from there with the questions you have prepared. Remember, you already have something in common– Christ! And if your new friends are not Christians,  try some of these questions:

How did you and your husband meet?

Do you have any tips for parents?

Tell me your life story.

What are your hobbies?

How long have you lived in the area?

What's your favorite type of cuisine?

Do you like to read?

Do you like movies?

Have you traveled internationally?

Usually, it doesn't take long to discover that you DO have something in common!

Okay, it's almost 4pm. Time to go to the picnic! I hope I make a new friend today!

Talking vs. Communicating

My baby is now nine months old, the perfect age for learning sign language! Imagine my joy today when I saw him touch his fingers together, indicating that he wanted "more" snacks! His face beamed too, when I handed him his food. In that second, he had communicated something to me. He expressed a thought, and I understood him. (If you have a baby and you don't know about baby sign language, I highly recommend learning more about it.) 

So, if even a baby can communicate, why does it seem that communication is so hard sometimes? Why is it that most of the conflict between my children stem from bad communication? Why does every marriage book have a chapter on communication?!

It is because, oftentimes, words are spoken, but communication does not actually take place! George Bernard Shaw wrote, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." We  assume that when we say something, the other person hears our words and knows exactly what we mean. This is a very big assumption. But we all make this assumption because we naturally think that everyone else perceives the world as we do. And so parents take the time to teach their children words, but they don't teach them how to communicate. Then, when the children are adults, they find themselves in situations where they cannot work through a conflict, express their emotions, or peacefully live with another person. I am more and more convinced that communication should be a mandatory school course!

Which is why I am trying to teach my children how to communicate. Even if they don't learn anything about history or science from me, I will be grateful for the times when I was able to address miscommunication and train my children to think about how to best use their words.

What are some common "illusions" when it comes to communication? Let me illustrate them with stories of my children.

Child: She wouldn't give me the book, so I took it.

Me: Did you try asking her first?

Child: No.

Me: Why not?

Child: Because she would have said 'no' anyway.

This happens in my home all the time! The biggest problem here is the lack of communication. My son did not express his desire to his sister. He presumed that her answer would be 'no', but never gave her a chance to respond. The lesson here? No one can read minds! Without getting emotional, simply state what you need. My son could have asked, "Could I please read the book?" or better yet, "When you are done, could I please read the book?" Then if the answer given is a "no", he can then take the next step and find out why. His sister probably has a good reason. But I see similar situations happen in marriages, where one person grows mad because the spouse doesn't seem to know what he/she wants. Or the person jumps to a conclusion that the spouse is doing something simply to drive him/her mad, or that the spouse doesn't have a good reason for his/her action.

Me: Please clean your room.

Child: I did!

Me: There are still clothes on the floor!

Child: Oh, I thought you mean just clean the toys!

In this situation, my son and I had different definitions for "clean your room". I knew what I meant when I said the words, but how could my son know that unless I stated clearly what my expectations were? Expectations and definitions are not always the same. My friend says, "Let's grab a coffee early tomorrow!" My friend is thinking 5:30am, but in my mind, early means 8am. An extroverted husband suggests, "Let's have a few friends over," which for him means 4-5 people, but for his introverted wife, 1-2. Being as clear as possible is a key to communication. When in doubt, ask questions to clarify definitions of terms.

Me: Let me help you with these spelling words. They're not too hard.
Child: Yes, they are!
Me: Here, let's look for a pattern.
Child: No, I don't want to! It's too hard!

Nothing I said at this point was going to convince my child that he could learn those spelling words. I had to stop and change the conversation, taking five minutes (or more) to remind him that "Mom would never give you school work that was too difficult" and "You did fine last week. Remember how you got 100% on your spelling quiz?"  Communication must be based in trust. If a person does not want to listen, no amount of words will communicate anything! Think of a debate where the debaters are antagonistic. Are they really discussing the topic? Are they saying words in response to each other, or just saying the words they want to say? In order to establish a foundation for good communication, one must first establish trust. Attacking someone with an accusation is not a good beginning to conflict resolution. If you need to talk to your child or spouse about a difficult subject, make sure the person is first ready to listen. This may mean picking a different time to talk, or apologizing and asking for forgiveness to clear the air. On the flip side, when someone tells you something that is hard to hear, don't get defensive. Take a deep breath and hear them out.


Learning to communicate well is not something one can do overnight. It takes daily practice and years to develop good habits. I myself never learned good communication from my parents, so I am learning right along with my children! My hope is that I am a better communicator now then I was when I was first married, and that I will be an even better communicator when my youngest is school age!

Concerning Social Media

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Youtube

(and those are only the ones I know!)

More and more, people are trying to connect with the help of technology. It seems that every time I turn around, there is yet another new idea for the Internet or the phone. And we like social media, because it's fairly safe. We can make a comment without engaging in a whole conversation. We can unfriend people. We can do it from our bedrooms and feel like we are still interacting with the world. Through the many photos, comments, videos, and "check-in" points, we feel like we know our friends (and even strangers) on a deeper level.

I am not here to debate whether or not social media is damaging to real-life interaction, but because it is not going away, this is a topic that needs to be addressed. A whole generation is now growing up with it as a regular part of life.  If we said that social media will have only a positive effect on people, we would be very naive. I see the current obsession with social media as a cry for attention and recognition from a world that longs for true love. We want to be known.

A few days ago, a family member was showing me the Instagram photos on her phone. With a simple touch of her finger, she could see glimpses of other people's lives. She could know what they were doing that day. And she could feel connected to them, wherever they are.

Part of me felt the old twinge of being the outsider. I don't have a cell phone, so I don't have Instagram. I also don't text, which is the primary form of communication for most of my friends. If my home phone rings, I usually assume that it is AT&T trying once again to get me to sign up for their TV service. The more people use new technology to communicate, the more isolated I feel.

But I am making a choice that I know is for my own good. If I have Instagram and know that people are posting photos every day, I would only want to be on my phone all the time. And I know that I don't need more distractions in my life. The few precious minutes of free time I have should be devoted to being in the Word, practicing my cello, enjoying my family, praying, or reaching out to people with a phone call or letter. (And actually, one of the results of my feeling isolated is that I am more intentional now about connecting!)

Also, seeing other people's photos often stirs up envy in my heart, or sometimes, apathy. After seeing so many photos of beautiful sunsets, I no longer feel the wonder and awe of seeing a beautiful sunset. And, I know that I can easily fall into the trap of living vicariously from the comfort of my home, instead of going out and seeking God's adventure for me.

Social media can be a great tool for staying connected, but it can also be isolation and shallowness in the guise of real relationship. So if you are thinking about signing up for a new app (or removing an old one), ask yourself these questions:

- Does this help me better connect with my friends, acquaintances, and family members on a deeper level, or will it be the extent of my relationship with that person?

- Will this only contribute to the "white noise"?

- Do I feel grumpy, lethargic, or discontent after seeing or reading something on social media?

- Does this help me worship God, or does it desensitize me to His wonder and beauty?

- Does this draw my attention to the world, or cause me to miss out on what is around me?

- Am I relying on safety and comfort more than God?