Who Does She Look Like?

When I look at you

I don't see your sister

Nor your brother

Nor your father

Nor even me

When I look at you

I see the Designer

the Artist

the Architect

the Sculptor

the Engineer

the Knitter

the Scientist

the Musician

the Writer

the One who gifted me with this work of art

and allowed me to hold His masterpiece

this six pound eleven ounce masterpiece

in my arms

Ready to Meet Baby!

It's been a busy end to our summer. We squeezed in some fun days at the beach and friends' swimming pools, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, we sent one daughter off to college in faraway North Carolina, I worked extra hours to help pay for her schooling (and the increase in our rent in an already overpriced housing market), and we started another year of homeschooling.

But lately, I haven't felt very productive. I have projects awaiting me, but I'm achy and tired by the end of the day. Then I remind myself that it's okay to allow myself to focus on simply being mom to my nine children right now.  At 34 weeks pregnant, I'm telling myself, "You're making a baby. That's productive."

And I'm still in awe of this whole process. The ninth time is not any less magical than the first. When I wake in the middle of the night to the feel of my little girl's strong kicks in my abdomen, I am still taken by surprise at this whole process!

Nine months ago, this person did not exist except in the mind of her Creator.

I'm making in me something that is far more complex than anything Man could ever make, and yet, I am not doing the making; I am simply the vessel. The making is happening on its own.

This new person is in me, but a person all her own. She wakes when I sleep, she moves when I lay down, she is her own being. And... she responds to piano music. When I'm teaching piano lessons, it's like she's dancing inside of me. I love that.

We are eagerly counting down the weeks until we get to meet this new person. Baby clothes are ready, carseat and diapers are ready... I just need a bassinet from a friend and then we're good to go. And I am eagerly counting down the days when I'm no longer pregnant! Because not only does that mean I can wear my old clothes again and eat a normal diet again, I can hold my ninth child in my arms for the first time!

On Being Pregnant

I only realized today that I have never written about pregnancy. Probably because in the past, whenever I was pregnant, I was also trying to keep up with a toddler. And truthfully, I've never given much thought to pregnancy. I just accepted it "as is". Even now, if someone asks me how I'm feeling (6 months pregnant at this point), I usually just say with a smile, "Like I'm carrying a bowling ball in my stomach."

But my emotions are much more complex than that. It's a "bowling ball" that is depending on me for life. And so far, this baby is pretty mellow, so every other night I wake up in a panic, wondering if she is still alive because I hadn't notice movement since the afternoon.

And though I KNOW that I'm not "fat", I can't help but be self-conscious about how this "bowling ball" makes me look. Clothes don't fit like they used to. People say I look "glowing" and "beautiful", but most of the time, I don't feel like that. I'm tired. My legs and ankles ache. If I don't wear compression tights, the veins on my legs bulge (I apologize in advance for the gross imagery) like I have slugs and worms living under my skin.

Simply put, I don't feel like myself.

But then again, that's because I am NOT myself. I am, in fact, two people right now.

And maybe that's the whole point. These nine months before the baby is born puts me in a place of discomfort and inconvenience–to say the least–which forces me to be less self-centered. It's not all about me. Just as it will not be all about me when this child is born. Can I put myself aside during these months, before this tiny human arrives and I have to put myself aside even more? And for my husband–this is training time to care for me more as I go through nausea and pain and self-doubt. He is my encouragement, now and for the months and years ahead.

So rather than treating these months of pregnancy as a waiting period, impatiently whining and griping while the baby is "just growing", I can learn to enjoy this time as a period where God is growing ME. 

Surprises From God

I'll cut to the chase. We're expecting Baby #9 in October.

When I had my first prenatal appointment, the doctor asked what is now a routine question, "Was this a planned pregnancy?"

I said, "No, not exactly."

"And you plan to keep this baby?"

"Yes," I answered, when what I really wanted to say was, "HECK YES!" (pardon my language)

Before the baby was bigger than a grape, before we found out if the baby is a boy or a girl (it's a girl!), before I ever saw her wiggling on the ultrasound, I cared for this human.

My husband and I were not expecting another child. After all, I'm 44 years-old. My youngest is now 5. I had become really good at tracking my ovulation cycle, and then...

God surprised us.

And this all happened RIGHT BEFORE the opening of my musical. Not the best timing.

And yet, it was my musical that helped me wrap my head (and heart) around this surprise.

I didn't expect to get pregnant, just as I didn't expect to write a musical. And if I saw Five Children and It as a gift from God, entrusted to me to bring to fruition and share with the world, how much more can this child be a gift?! God surprised me with 3+ years of working on a musical, and if I said "No" to him at the start, I would have never experienced the joy that the musical brought me. And that is how I see this child. There will be years of work involved, but the joys will outshine the work.

Children, ALL children, are a gift. It sounds clichéd, but I must say it, because I hear parents, Christians and non-Christians alike, complain about their children. Some people (Christians and non-Christians alike) think I'm crazy to have nine children. They see children as a chore and an inconvenience. I admit that in my younger years, I would have been whining to God at this point, "How am I going to handle another one? When will I have time to do the things I want to do?" 

But children are people, and we need to fight the urge to think of the people in our lives as "inconveniences." Let us love as God loves us; we are God's children, and we are NEVER an inconvenience to Him. 

Taking Part in the Beautiful

photo courtesy of J Swenson Photography

My son was born in my bedroom. It still seems unreal sometimes. With only my husband, my midwife, my photographer friend, and three pushes, my baby saw light for the first time. And as soon as I held him in my arms, all the pain of the previous nine hours, and the fears of the previous nine months, were forgotten.

As you can see from the photo, the joy I felt at that moment could not be contained. It didn’t matter that this was my sixth child. This was still special. Like listening to Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. Or watching a sunset go through all its changes. It doesn’t matter that I’ve heard Adagio for Strings five hundred times before, or that I’ve watched a thousand sunsets in my lifetime. It’s still special–every time. Only, this was even better. In giving birth, I’m a participant, not a bystander.

We all long for opportunities to take part in the Beautiful, to step into something bigger than ourselves. This was my chance. And it was only the beginning, Day 1 of many days of raising and caring for this child. And it may seem mundane, even degrading at times. The lustre of parenthood is not always as clear as it is on the day of meeting one’s child. Certainly there are days when I wish for a sunset, in Paris, from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Or an opportunity to sing Adagio for Strings, in a beautiful concert hall, with a top-notch choir.

But let me never forget, I am still an integral part of the Beautiful, from diapers to runny noses, from laundry to dishes. For what can be more beautiful than human life?

Third Trimester

The third trimester is my least favorite. I never understood the women who say, "I love being pregnant," because I never feel like myself when I'm pregnant. This body that is tired, nauseous, slow, heavy, and aching is not mine! As the baby grows, my frustration grows with it. I find that I cannot do the things that I am used to doing. And the third trimester is always the worst. Simple housework leaves me sore. Chasing after a toddler is exhausting. I fall into bed at night and groan as I try to find a comfortable position that accommodates my growing belly.


Now serve me up some "fresh clear well-seasoned perspective". (Have you seen Pixar's Ratatouille? I highly recommend it.)


There are people who live in pain every second. There are people who cannot run, or even walk, or lift something as light as a spoon. There are people who cannot sleep at night, no matter how exhausted they feel. There are people who have no due date to look forward to. And my dear friend, who first lost her ability to tell time or remember recent conversations, is now unable to write, due to Alzheimer's. She and her husband have a difficult road to travel, but they do it with faith and love.


So I'll quit my whining now, because at least my third trimester is my last trimester.

Planning Not to Plan (Part 2 of 2)

Before I was married, I never had to think about birth control. It was a simple idea: don't have sex, don't get pregnant.

But as my wedding day approached, I knew I had some choices to make. My husband and I wanted children, but we thought it would be wise to wait a few years, after we've saved up money from my teaching job. I started looking into birth control.

The first thing I learned is that the term 'birth control' is a misnomer. Though many methods are more than 90% effective, there is still the chance that a woman will become pregnant. The idea that we can control when life begins is a false hope.

The second thing was that some of the most popular methods involve putting foreign substances or objects into your body, with possible harmful side affects. Some methods are even abortive. I knew right away that I didn't want any of that.

Then, at a party, my husband bumped into a college friend. The two started chatting about work, and she shared that she was working with a Christian pregnancy support organization, and that she and her husband had learned a natural method of birth control.

This was the first time I had even heard of such a thing. It had never seemed like an option, not with all the new products and modern methods out there. But the more I listened, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. God never makes mistakes, and He made women's bodies to function a certain way. His design was that a woman can become pregnant only during a short window every month. A husband and wife simply needed to avoid intercourse during that window.

I was very excited. Months before my wedding, I ordered a book and started learning about my body. The bodily signals were easy to learn, and I was soon an expert in my monthly rhythm. Besides being a preparation for my marriage, what I learned gave me a new respect for the body that God had created, because I finally understood what was going on inside me. I shared the information with my soon-to-be husband, and we discussed it together. We knew that this was in alignment with God's Word, making it the best choice for us. We also knew that this was a step of faith for us. By essentially 'planning not to plan', we were giving up 'control.'

There were some people who smirked when they heard about our choice in birth control. Those same people were able to say "I told you so" when I became pregnant four months after our wedding. Then when my son was five months old, I became pregnant again, though I was breast feeding. People started to joke about our rabbit-like characteristics, especially when I had another baby twenty-four months after my second. And every time, the question was, "Did you plan this?" I began to hate that question, because although the baby did not come in my timing, I knew it was all in God's plan, and He knew what was best. And I began to hate hearing people say a baby was an 'oops!', because no baby is a mistake, and no one should grow up thinking that he is an 'oops' and unwanted by his parents.

Looking back, I can see that there was a period of time when my husband and I felt emotionally alone, though we had supportive friends and family. We didn't feel financially or emotionally ready to become parents, all normal thoughts for first-time parents, but on top of that, we were nervous and afraid because we started doubting our choice. We lost sight of God's sovereignty and goodness. We wondered if we could care for these fragile new lives. And we desperately longed to shut out the voices that said, "You've made a mistake", clinging instead to the words of encouragement from the few people who understood what we were going through.

What helped us through that time was the Truth: all good gifts were from God, and that we needed to rely on Him, not on ourselves. We reminded ourselves that this IS what we had chosen, to step out in faith. So we had to take steps, albeit little steps at first. From this, early on in our marriage, my husband and I learned to trust God in all things. We lost our naive outlook on life, the underlying philosophy that everything can be planned out from graduation to retirement, and our comfortable "what-life-seems-to-be" bubble popped, not from dire circumstances, but on our own accord. And we started realizing, when we personally experienced the miracle of birth and witnessed the uniqueness of each child, that every child was indeed a blessing. When we met couples who could not have children, or have lost children, we were even more grateful for our healthy, beautiful children.

With time, our little steps grew bigger. Our biggest was when we decided to try to have a fourth child, even though my husband was unemployed at the time. We knew that if God gave us a fourth child, He would also provide all the means we needed to raise that child. I love telling that story now when we introduce our youngest member of the family.

Recently, we have met other like-minded couples, many who have had similar experiences. For so long, I thought I was one of few women to think this way. What a surprise then when, earlier this week, I had three conversations about this very topic! Though it saddens me to know that there is still an opinion out there among Christians that choosing natural birth control is uneducated, irresponsible, or old-fashioned, I am encouraged when friends remind me, "God will provide ALL that you need."

And that is our story, of how my husband and I learned to walk in faith together, step by step. With every step, our courage grows, and now we venture forth, like missionaries, into the suburban jungle. God opens our eyes to the lies around us, some so subtle or so ingrained that they are easily overlooked. Whenever we can, we teach our children that God has a purpose for each of them, that they were born at the perfect time. We encourage couples who are expecting to put their worries and fears into God's Hands. And this is always a good reminder for my husband and myself, since we still worry sometimes, and we still fight our fears, especially when we are feeling financially and physically stretched. But God is good, and God is sovereign. He may be writing the book for a fifth Baird child right now, but He'll let me know his or her name when the time comes.

If you are preparing yourself for marriage, learn about your options before going with what's 'popular'. There are people and tools out there to help a couple make a wise and Godly decision.

Addendum: I forgot to mention that I have fairly easy pregnancies and births. I have many friends who do not, and they have decided to limit the number of children they have. I know that if my pregnancies were difficult or life-threatening, my husband and I would have to reassess the situation and ask God for His wisdom to do what is best.

Jonah Goes to Nineveh (Part 1 of 2)

I didn't write yesterday because I had to take a break from all this intense writing.

That, and I was playing Jonah.

When I first started this blog, I already had in mind several topics about which I could write. I was going to leave the subject of birth control for later... much later. But then (funny how it is), in the past three days, I've had three different conversations about the very topic. Believe me, this is not normal-everyday small talk for me. Before now, I've had maybe three conversations about birth control (with people other than my husband) in the past ten years. It is something I ponder on quite frequently, but not something I feel comfortable discussing.

So, I was playing Jonah. I was running away from Nineveh, going in the other direction, trying to avoid the voice of God. But you know how the story goes. Without a storm or a fish, I realized that my next blog entry was to be about my choice in birth control, as controversial as it may be. Today, I will give you a quick summary, and tomorrow, a more detailed account.

Remember, I am not an expert, or a doctor, or a theologian. I am expressing to you my experiences and how I've come to my decision based on what I know Biblically. I do appreciate your comments, if you would like to share them with me and my readers.

I have never taken 'the pill'. I never felt comfortable with the idea of putting hormones in my body. Nor did I feel comfortable with putting a foreign object into my body. The more I thought about it, the more I believed that God had designed a woman's body to be in perfect working order, that the rhythms in my body were not without a purpose. My husband and I discussed this thoroughly before we were married, and he agreed with me completely.

There is nothing earth-shattering about my discovery, but the comments we've received over the years have been unexpected. If they were all from non-Christians, they would have washed over me without a scratch. But I have found that even some of my own Christian brothers and sisters viewed our decision as unwise, naive, or irresponsible, like we were drunken teenagers at a party.

It comes down to a matter of trust. I give up the control (that I think I have) and trust God. I live knowing that He will not give me more than I can bear. I live knowing that every child is born at the perfect time, for a perfect purpose, to the perfect family.