The Unexpected Blessings of Being Stay-at-home with Older Children

I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my children. Then, when they were older, I'd go find a job somewhere. That was the plan.

And for the most part, I've stuck to that plan. On this blog I've written about the unexpected blessings of being home with my children. It's not just that I have more time with them and that I can homeschool. It's that they eat better (and more cheaply) and that we have flexibility in our day, instead of rushing out the door every morning.

Then, as my children grew, I began to get the itch to work outside of the home. I was already teaching piano part-time in our living room, but I wanted to be more influential in the community. The problem was that, at that point, I had older children, AND younger children. I started teaching music classes and working on shows, but I still limited my hours and stayed home in the daytime as much as possible. This was frustrating at times: I felt that I couldn't do as much as my friends with only older children, and at the same time I didn't have the more carefree days of being at home with only younger children. The feeling that I was just "spinning my wheels" hovered over me. I had to push that feeling aside and tell myself that being available for my family was better for my children, both young and old.

But I didn't realize ALL the benefits until this summer!

Being home means that I can be more hospitable. I have the energy to have guests over for dinner almost any day of the week. I have flexibility to cook someone a meal and deliver it. And the big plus–we have other kids over. This summer, we've had soooo many of my children's friends over. And for many of these kids, because they are older, their parents are working full-time and the kids are home all day, sometimes by themselves. They eagerly say 'yes' when we invite them to our house! I bake some cookies and pop some popcorn, and they all have a grand ol' time!

Another plus is that I've had more time with my adult children. My oldest daughter graduated from college and was home in between jobs. My second oldest daughter had summer school, but came home during breaks. My oldest son needed a ride to the airport to fly to visit his cousins, and I was able to take him in the middle of the day. These "babies" of mine still need guidance and support, and I'm able to be there for them.

Stay-at-home moms, I know sometimes you feel like you aren't doing enough (or that you're doing a lot, but it's the same, mundane routine day in and day out!), but you may be doing more than you know! Keep looking for ways you can bless others by being stay-at-home!

Where “Yes" May Lead You

Twenty-seven years ago, God asked me to work with teenagers, and I said "yes."

There's a story that leads up to that moment (which I won't share with you today), but what was most surprising was:

1) I was twenty, so barely out of the teens myself,

2) I never had the desire to work with teens. In fact, I was a little afraid of them, having had not-the-best junior high and high school experience,

3) I had my doubts. I had no "training." I had no clear direction.

Nevertheless, I said "yes," without knowing where that "yes" would lead me.

Soon after, I started a leading a small youth group at my church.

After graduating from college, I was hired as a French teacher at a private junior/senior high school.

Then I got married, became a mom, and spent about the next twelve years or so NOT around teens. I was hanging out with other toddler moms, chatting it up about nap schedules and cloth diapers.

And I forgot about my "yes," until I got involved in my teenagers' youth theater company (how this happened is another great story).

What a shock! I never would have imagined that I would be teaching music to teens and directing them in shows. And the best part is that I love it! I love working with teenagers and being a supportive adult in their lives.

But along with the highs come the lows.

Two years ago, a lovely, spunky eleven-year-old came to audition for Moana Jr. She then went on to be in The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music, making many friends along the way. Shortly after her third show, she was diagnosed with brain cancer, and two weeks ago, she lost that battle. This was heart-breaking news for everyone in our company.

Twenty-seven years ago, I wouldn't have pictured myself in a bedroom, strumming a guitar through tears, leading a small group of girls in singing Christmas carols, witnessing the final moments of their friend's time on earth. I couldn't have imagined our time afterwards in the foyer, crying and holding each other for comfort. And I never would have known that in working with this young girl, I would be asked to sing songs with her friends at her memorial service.

Her service is tomorrow. I feel nervous and anxious. I put my two-year-old to bed, then lay next to her for a few extra moments just to pray. I ask God for peace. And I hear this song in my head.

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine...

And that's all God is asking from me when I say "yes."

Christmas Memories, A Song

I had forgotten about my last blog post. 

"Sometimes, a writer writes just because..."

Now I wrote a song that I can't sing.

It's not because the notes are too difficult or the range is too high. It's because every time I try to sing it, tears start streaming down my face.

But I had to write it.

A few months ago, my friend told me that she has cancer. She is 36 years old. Then soon after, I learned that a young girl I know has cancer. She is 14.

My heart at times feels like it's held in a vise. I want to yell, but I have no words. When I visit, I see the parents smiling, but with a sad, tired look in their eyes. If my heart feels like it's in a vise at times, their hearts must feel like that every day. Day in and day out, around the clock, they are selflessly caring for their daughters, while knowing that there is no hope for recovery. I can't imagine the feeling of watching my child in pain, slowly becoming a shadow of the person I knew. I can't imagine how Christmas, usually a joyous time, will be for these families this year.

And so, I wrote this song. For them, for me, for you if you've lost a child. I find myself holding my little one closer these days. Remember, you have only so many Christmases with your children.

Christmas Memories

I have Christmas memories

Of you seated on my knee

As I read you stories in the glow 

of lights upon the tree

I have Christmas memories

Of the sound of little feet

Running to my bed to wake me 

with your laughter and your glee

Long ago

But it feels like yesterday

When I watched you run and play

Then I held you as you slowly slipped away

So many Christmas memories

Some are sad and some are sweet

Now my only Christmas wish is to hold you close 

Just like I used to do

And to make more Christmas memories with you

Giving Children Freedom

As far as jobs and careers go, I never want my kids to feel like they need to live up to my expectations. They don't have to become pianists, they don't have to become doctors, they don't have to get a bachelor's or master's degree.

I want my children to have the freedom to succeed, in whatever way they choose to do.

But with the freedom to succeed comes the freedom to fail.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, as I now have three adult children trying to make their way in the world. One chose not to continuing with schooling, one is working towards her bachelor's, and one is just starting out at a community college. And in all they do, I see them fearlessly try different things, and I've come to the conclusion that it's because they know that they will not be judged for trying and failing. They themselves have seen their dad and I work endlessly on creative projects, sometimes with success and sometimes not. We are not afraid to share our failures with our children.

And that makes a big difference.

Parents, be aware of your expectations (what is your definition of success?) and watch how you speak to your children about them. My parents encouraged me in my music, but still questioned me if I brought home anything less than an 'A' on my report card. I always felt like I couldn't do enough. Talk to your children about perseverance and diligence more than winning. Tell them that it's okay to try, and fail. Share your stories and listen to theirs. And please, share your stories here! Tell me about your experiences with failure and success, either as a child or as a parent.

Who Does She Look Like?

When I look at you

I don't see your sister

Nor your brother

Nor your father

Nor even me

When I look at you

I see the Designer

the Artist

the Architect

the Sculptor

the Engineer

the Knitter

the Scientist

the Musician

the Writer

the One who gifted me with this work of art

and allowed me to hold His masterpiece

this six pound eleven ounce masterpiece

in my arms

Ready to Meet Baby!

It's been a busy end to our summer. We squeezed in some fun days at the beach and friends' swimming pools, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, we sent one daughter off to college in faraway North Carolina, I worked extra hours to help pay for her schooling (and the increase in our rent in an already overpriced housing market), and we started another year of homeschooling.

But lately, I haven't felt very productive. I have projects awaiting me, but I'm achy and tired by the end of the day. Then I remind myself that it's okay to allow myself to focus on simply being mom to my nine children right now.  At 34 weeks pregnant, I'm telling myself, "You're making a baby. That's productive."

And I'm still in awe of this whole process. The ninth time is not any less magical than the first. When I wake in the middle of the night to the feel of my little girl's strong kicks in my abdomen, I am still taken by surprise at this whole process!

Nine months ago, this person did not exist except in the mind of her Creator.

I'm making in me something that is far more complex than anything Man could ever make, and yet, I am not doing the making; I am simply the vessel. The making is happening on its own.

This new person is in me, but a person all her own. She wakes when I sleep, she moves when I lay down, she is her own being. And... she responds to piano music. When I'm teaching piano lessons, it's like she's dancing inside of me. I love that.

We are eagerly counting down the weeks until we get to meet this new person. Baby clothes are ready, carseat and diapers are ready... I just need a bassinet from a friend and then we're good to go. And I am eagerly counting down the days when I'm no longer pregnant! Because not only does that mean I can wear my old clothes again and eat a normal diet again, I can hold my ninth child in my arms for the first time!

On Being Pregnant

I only realized today that I have never written about pregnancy. Probably because in the past, whenever I was pregnant, I was also trying to keep up with a toddler. And truthfully, I've never given much thought to pregnancy. I just accepted it "as is". Even now, if someone asks me how I'm feeling (6 months pregnant at this point), I usually just say with a smile, "Like I'm carrying a bowling ball in my stomach."

But my emotions are much more complex than that. It's a "bowling ball" that is depending on me for life. And so far, this baby is pretty mellow, so every other night I wake up in a panic, wondering if she is still alive because I hadn't notice movement since the afternoon.

And though I KNOW that I'm not "fat", I can't help but be self-conscious about how this "bowling ball" makes me look. Clothes don't fit like they used to. People say I look "glowing" and "beautiful", but most of the time, I don't feel like that. I'm tired. My legs and ankles ache. If I don't wear compression tights, the veins on my legs bulge (I apologize in advance for the gross imagery) like I have slugs and worms living under my skin.

Simply put, I don't feel like myself.

But then again, that's because I am NOT myself. I am, in fact, two people right now.

And maybe that's the whole point. These nine months before the baby is born puts me in a place of discomfort and inconvenience–to say the least–which forces me to be less self-centered. It's not all about me. Just as it will not be all about me when this child is born. Can I put myself aside during these months, before this tiny human arrives and I have to put myself aside even more? And for my husband–this is training time to care for me more as I go through nausea and pain and self-doubt. He is my encouragement, now and for the months and years ahead.

So rather than treating these months of pregnancy as a waiting period, impatiently whining and griping while the baby is "just growing", I can learn to enjoy this time as a period where God is growing ME. 

Surprises From God

I'll cut to the chase. We're expecting Baby #9 in October.

When I had my first prenatal appointment, the doctor asked what is now a routine question, "Was this a planned pregnancy?"

I said, "No, not exactly."

"And you plan to keep this baby?"

"Yes," I answered, when what I really wanted to say was, "HECK YES!" (pardon my language)

Before the baby was bigger than a grape, before we found out if the baby is a boy or a girl (it's a girl!), before I ever saw her wiggling on the ultrasound, I cared for this human.

My husband and I were not expecting another child. After all, I'm 44 years-old. My youngest is now 5. I had become really good at tracking my ovulation cycle, and then...

God surprised us.

And this all happened RIGHT BEFORE the opening of my musical. Not the best timing.

And yet, it was my musical that helped me wrap my head (and heart) around this surprise.

I didn't expect to get pregnant, just as I didn't expect to write a musical. And if I saw Five Children and It as a gift from God, entrusted to me to bring to fruition and share with the world, how much more can this child be a gift?! God surprised me with 3+ years of working on a musical, and if I said "No" to him at the start, I would have never experienced the joy that the musical brought me. And that is how I see this child. There will be years of work involved, but the joys will outshine the work.

Children, ALL children, are a gift. It sounds clichéd, but I must say it, because I hear parents, Christians and non-Christians alike, complain about their children. Some people (Christians and non-Christians alike) think I'm crazy to have nine children. They see children as a chore and an inconvenience. I admit that in my younger years, I would have been whining to God at this point, "How am I going to handle another one? When will I have time to do the things I want to do?" 

But children are people, and we need to fight the urge to think of the people in our lives as "inconveniences." Let us love as God loves us; we are God's children, and we are NEVER an inconvenience to Him. 

On "Adulting"

I never liked the word "adulting." It just bothered me, but I couldn't say why.

I would hear people say things like, "I just bought my first refrigerator! I'm adulting!" That's fine; I'm okay with that.

But if I hear someone say, "I have to go to work today. I'm adulting," it rubs me the wrong way. I think I figured out the reason today.

My 7-year-old was arguing with me this afternoon concerning a book he wanted to look at. The problem was his 4-year-old sister wanted to look at it at the same time.

"But I want it!" he shouted. "Why does she get it first?"

"Because you're the older sibling," I explained as plainly as I could. "You don't act like a four-year-old anymore."

And it was simple as that. An 18-year-old should not act like a 10-year-old, and a 31-year-old should definitely not act like an 18-year-old. But it seems to be more common nowadays that adults are holding onto their childhoods. To be an adult is to have responsibilities, and many would rather not have responsibilities. 

But isn't that a part of life? We learn from our past mistakes (rather than brag about them and long for the "good ol' days") and we pass on the lessons we learned. We distinguish ourselves from children, not because we buy refrigerators, but because we model for them what it means to live lives of integrity.

If you are an adult, there shouldn't be a time when you are "adulting" and a time when you are not. Everything you do should be "adulting."

Taking Part in the Beautiful

photo courtesy of J Swenson Photography

My son was born in my bedroom. It still seems unreal sometimes. With only my husband, my midwife, my photographer friend, and three pushes, my baby saw light for the first time. And as soon as I held him in my arms, all the pain of the previous nine hours, and the fears of the previous nine months, were forgotten.

As you can see from the photo, the joy I felt at that moment could not be contained. It didn’t matter that this was my sixth child. This was still special. Like listening to Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. Or watching a sunset go through all its changes. It doesn’t matter that I’ve heard Adagio for Strings five hundred times before, or that I’ve watched a thousand sunsets in my lifetime. It’s still special–every time. Only, this was even better. In giving birth, I’m a participant, not a bystander.

We all long for opportunities to take part in the Beautiful, to step into something bigger than ourselves. This was my chance. And it was only the beginning, Day 1 of many days of raising and caring for this child. And it may seem mundane, even degrading at times. The lustre of parenthood is not always as clear as it is on the day of meeting one’s child. Certainly there are days when I wish for a sunset, in Paris, from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Or an opportunity to sing Adagio for Strings, in a beautiful concert hall, with a top-notch choir.

But let me never forget, I am still an integral part of the Beautiful, from diapers to runny noses, from laundry to dishes. For what can be more beautiful than human life?

Bringing Out the Art in Your Child

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging. I keep telling myself, "It's 2022 and you haven't posted ONE thing!!"

But I have an excuse. I've been delving into writing for musical theater and doing more visual art. The musical theater stuff is a conversation for another day, but the art... oh my! I'm rediscovering an old love!

And not only am I painting and drawing again, this time I'm posting my creations on Facebook, which is a big step for me. I've learned to stop worrying about "not being good enough." There are a gazillion people on the Internet who are definitely better artists than I am, but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm learning, I'm growing, and I'm having fun.

Seeing my art on Facebook prompted a conversation with a friend. She has a son who is creative and artistic, but won't do any art outside of art class. Her question was "How can I encourage him to draw at home?" Our lengthy dialogue became the perfect basis for this blog post!

So here are some steps to encouraging your child to do more art!

1) Sit and draw with your child. A reluctant child is more likely going to sit and draw if he/she sees you drawing too. Get a drawing book from the library and try a few exercises together. Try one of the drawing games listed below. Suggest drawing something that your child loves (your dog, cars, ponies, Minecraft...) Make it about having fun, not about achieving a goal.

2) Use only encouraging words. Your child is probably reluctant to draw because he/she doesn't feel competent. He/she sees another person's drawings and thinks he's not good enough. Build up his/her confidence by emphasizing that the goal is not to draw as well as a professional artist, but to improve his/her skills.

3) Combine steps 1 and 2! Even if you're not an artist yourself, by sitting down with your child, you are showing him/her that you are also willing to try something new. Put aside your self-consciousness and your child will too! You'll be growing together! And be careful here: use only encouraging words to yourself. No self-deprecating remarks like "Mommy's not that good."

4) Display your work! Frame your artwork and hang it on the wall! Take a picture of it and text it to a friend. Make a card out of it and send it to grandparents. Art is for sharing!!

Now, for some ideas for art time at home!

1) Get a big sheet of paper and draw a scene together! Pick a theme and everyone can add little details to create the scene. Theme ideas: underwater, outer space, your neighborhood, medieval castle.

2) Create a silly creature. There are two ways to do this. One way is simply to give a prompt like "Combine an octopus with a hamster to make a new animal" or "Draw an alligator-chicken." Another way is to make it a group game: everyone gets a sheet of paper, folded in thirds. On the top third, everyone draws a head of some sort. Then fold back the top third so it is hidden; pass the paper to the person on your right (he/she should not be able to see the head drawn on the paper.) Next, take the paper that was passed and draw a body on the middle section of the paper. Again, fold the paper back so that the new drawing is not visible. Pass papers again to the right. On the bottom third, everyone draws legs of some sort. Then open up the papers to reveal your new creature!

3) Invent a do-it-all machine. This one is similar to the silly creature. "Draw a machine that can flip pancakes and make your bed at the same time." The sillier the better!

4) Draw a squiggle monster. Draw a squiggle or blob or weird shape on a piece of paper. Then trade papers. Now turn the squiggle/blob/weird shape into a monster of some kind by adding eyes, horns, teeth, whatever you like!

5) Try March of Robots or Inktober. Sometimes it helps to have prompts. The March of Robots (in March) and Inktober (in October) are both online drawing challenges that give 31 prompts for 31 days of drawing. If that is too intimidating or stressful, come up with your own prompts. My friend Liz and I started our own group! Every week (or so, depending on how busy we are), we take turns coming up with prompts. Then we share our work–it's fun to see what the other person comes up with!

43 Years Young

Yesterday was my birthday, which always makes me contemplate. Could I count the last year as a success? And by success, I don't mean, Did I make more money, did I write more books, or did I lose those 10 pounds? These are the types of questions I ask myself:

Am I a better parent than I was a year ago?

Is my marriage better than it was a year ago?

Do I love people better?

Have I gained more wisdom and learned more about God?

I'm glad to say that last year was a successful one, especially after the rough parenting and wife-ing moments and strange, blah birthday of 2020, and it was because I took these 3 things to heart.

1) Make every day count. I lost 4 friends in the past 2 years, all of whom were under the age of 43. I can groan about getting older, or I can see it as a blessing.

2) Our Triune God is the God of love and community. After reading Michael Reeve's wonderful (and easy-to-digest) book Delighting in the Trinity, I stopped picturing God as a lone person sitting out in the vast emptiness of space. No, He is in constant community with the Son and the Spirit! And that is how He wants us to live–ever giving, ever loving, ever connected to other people.

3) Live in love, not in fear. I used to be afraid of what people thought of me. In my heart I wanted to care for people, but I couldn't step out of my comfort zone to do so. But then I realized that "I'm shy" or "I'm an introvert" or "I don't know what to say" are just selfish excuses, because I was focused on myself more than on the other person. And if I want to "make every day count" and be like my Father, "the God of love and community", I need to stop making these excuses and start exercising my "love muscle." And it IS like exercise! In 2020, after months of not having people over, I found it extremely hard to think of cooking for guests! And having people over simply wiped me out! It was a strange feeling, and it showed me how easy it is to fall into a pattern of complacency. But if I exercise the muscles of hospitality, generosity and compassion, they grow stronger! What was difficult to do a year ago is easier now! And will be even easier next year!

So here's to another year of growing in wisdom and building up my love muscles! The older I get, the more I live in the reality of being the daughter of the King!

We love because He first loved us. ~I John 4:19 NIV

Life in the Slow Lane

Grinding the coffee by hand.

Hanging the laundry to dry.

Writing a letter and sending it by mail.

Sometimes, doing something slowly is worth the time it takes. We have so many gadgets to help us save time... but why do we need to save that time? I'm not sure if "time-savers" are a benefit when it makes us feel like we should squeeze more things onto our to-do lists.

And plus, when we do something slowly, our minds can slow down too. We give more thought to the task, or give more thought to an emotion or idea. We pay attention.

I started a garden last year, but I don't have a sprinkler system or drip lines set on on a timer. When my flowers and baby fruit trees need water, I go out and grab the hose. And this is when I talk to my little avocado tree  that is diligently growing tiny leaves. Or I bend down to dead-head the chrysanthemum and dahlias and make sure they're getting what they need. Or sometimes, I just close my eyes, feel the day shining on my face, and take a slow, deep breath. I know that if I didn't have to water the plants by hand, I wouldn't go outside as much. 

Today, find a task that you would normally use a gadget for and do without. Knead some dough by hand. Read to your children instead of turning on a tablet. Drive without GPS (and see where the road takes you!)

God and Dishes

When I was a young teen, I suddenly decided one day to wash the dishes for my mom while she was out (this was in the day before we had a dishwasher). Surprisingly, I had never washed the dishes before. My parents never taught me, or made me.

But this one day, when I saw the dishes piled in the kitchen sink, I thought it would be a nice surprise for my mom. Most likely I was prompted by a recent Sunday school lesson, something about "honoring your parents." So I did my best to wash everything and put it in the drying rack, then I waited for my mom to come home and notice.

It didn't take long for her to spot the clean dishes. 

I waited for her to come and ask me about them, which she did. But when I told her that I had washed them for her, she didn't say "thank you" as I expected her to. She said, "They're still greasy. You didn't do it right."

And I didn't wash dishes for my mom for a long time after that.

This was the memory that suddenly popped into my head as I washed the dishes this morning. I don't know why. But I see a two-fold lesson here:

1) Praise a child for doing right. There are times when quality matters, but what is more important is that the child is choosing to obey, to take initiative, or to make the attempt at something that is difficult. Rather than focusing on how well the child did the job, praise him/her for doing it to the best of his/her ability.

2) Our Father in heaven loves it when we obey Him. We hesitate because we worry about failing, but God asks us to take the first step in obedience, and He promises to guide us the rest of the way. He is the perfect Father, and He never criticizes us for not doing a good-enough job. Rather, He's the Father who asks you to do the dishes, then stands with you at the sink, gets His hands dirty, and cleans three plates for every spoon you clean (and the rest of the kitchen besides!)

A Higher Calling (Finding the Balance When Mothering)

It's been a crazy summer. You can tell because I haven't posted anything since June. Our summer started off with a major play production, my parents' visit, my sister's wedding, my best friends' visit, and my husband's grandmother's memorial service. July slowed down, but ended with a week-long camping trip, followed by kids' camps.

And now it's August! Time to buckle down and focus on school prep, all the while trying to clean the house after bringing home the woods (and laundry!) from our camping adventure.

BUT...

I'm rebelling inside. I go through phases like this every now and then, and this summer, it's been especially hard. I'm tired. And I don't like housework. Or schedules. I don't really like cooking, washing, and household managing for 8 kids day in and day out.

BUT...

I do it. I do it because I know it's only for a season, and because I believe that mothering truly is a higher calling. Nothing I do in life will be as important as nurturing my children and creating a loving, warm, safe environment for them to grow in.

BUT...

there is still a part of me that wants to ignore the dishes (that are in the sink at this very moment) and spend my hours doing something else. I'm always itching to dive back fully into the world of music and art. I got a taste of this in June, when I directed and performed the music for the play production, and let me tell you–I loved it! I felt like I was finally doing what God designed me to do, after keeping myself in check for the past 18 years (yes, my first-born turns 18 this month!) and my heart jumped when the youth theater company asked me to be music director for their upcoming season!

BUT...

I had to say no. Believe me, it was difficult. I just couldn't see how I could juggle homeschooling, housekeeping, and music directing. I knew that I wouldn't "be there" for my husband and kids, both mentally and physically. For now, I still need to focus on mothering. And so, I prayed that God will give me opportunities like this again, when the timing is right, and in the meantime, I will trust Him and be patient. I know that God gave me talents to bless others; it's just a matter of finding ways to do so even in this season.

FYI, just because I have 8 kids and homeschool doesn't mean I always enjoy my full-time mothering job. It's hard. I'm not always content. 

BUT...

this is what the Bible says about contentment.

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

If you know you are where God wants you to be, you can be content. God will give you the strength to get through it. And so I know that being home is EXACTLY where God wants me to be! And from that, I draw my contentment, even as I struggle, and in my contentment, I find joy. 

If you are like me, constantly debating with yourself, constantly bouncing between "buts", let me encourage you. There is nothing wrong with having the desire to use the talents God has given you, as long as those desires don't become your main focus and override God's will for you. It won't be easy; it will require years of patience, perseverance, creativity, and trusting in God. 

BUT... (the final but) 

it's worth it. No one else can be Mom to YOUR children. While you feel like you're just cleaning and dealing with grumpy children all day, you are doing SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

In the meantime, what to do when you feel the pull between your responsibilities and your desires?! If you fill all your waking hours with only cleaning etc., you will burn out and lose your joy in mothering. You NEED to do the things that feed your soul. And you can balance that by either creatively involving your children, or finding an hour or two every week to do what you love. Here's what I do:

1) Remind yourself of the truth (review Philippians 4:11-13). Don't listen to the lies out there. You don't need a job to fulfill you. You may choose to work (and I know how good it feels to get recognition and pats on the back) but a job or career will not "complete" you. Only God can do that. Motherhood is not the loss of identity, but the gain of a new one. Only when you understand this will you find contentment and joy in motherhood.

2) Pinpoint what you really need to feed your soul. Is it getting outside? Is it moving physically? Is it thinking in a creative way? Is it collaborating with people? I thought I missed being a professional musician, but it wasn't necessarily the performing that I miss. I discovered that I just love making music with people (any people!), and being challenged musically. Once I pinpointed this, I figured out ways to meet this need. 

3) Be creative in finding an outlet. When I couldn't paint, I discovered chalk art. When I couldn't sing in a choir, I started a little children's choir at my church. When I need something to break up the mundane, I try a new recipe, play or sing a new song, or take the kids exploring in our area. You can teach a class, you can involve your neighbors, you can play piano for residents at a senior care home, you can volunteer at the school or library. If you think outside the box, you will find that there are many ways to do what you love with your children, or do what you love in a smaller setting that still leaves you time for mothering.

More MIY Projects

I love making things. I get such joy when I see the finished product and think, "I made that myself!"

If you're a DIY kind of person, here are some MIY (Make It Yourself!) projects for you to try this summer!

Deodorant 

This was my most exciting discovery from this year! As soon as my store-bought deodorant ran out, I pulled out a recipe I had been saving. A little mixing and voila! homemade deodorant! What is amazing is that when you first mix it, the concoction looks liquidy and nothing like solid deodorant. The first time I made this, I put the mixture in a a little jar to see what would happen. The liquid solidified after a day! Then I tried making some in my old plastic deodorant container: just twisted the push-up part all the way down again and spooned in the "soupy" deodorant, and the next day, I came back to perfect stick deodorant! 

Here is the recipe:

1) Mix together 1/4 cup cornstarch and 1/4 cup baking soda. 

2) Add 2 tablespoons liquified coconut oil and mix. (You can put the coconut oil in the microwave for a few seconds to melt it.)

3) Spoon into your container of choice and allow to firm up.

Facial Scrub

I also started making my own facial scrub! It's fine enough to use on my face, but I also use it on my body. If you prefer less graininess, use less sugar. If you want more graininess, you can add more sugar, or use regular sugar (for a body scrub only... regular sugar is too rough for your face). I keep the scrub in a small jar identical to my deodorant jar.

Mix together:

1/2 tablespoon coconut oil

1/2 tablespoon olive oil (or more coconut oil)

2 tablespoons of baker's sugar (superfine sugar)

Fingerless Gloves 

Are you cleaning out winter clothes and discovering some old sweaters that you need to throw out? Cut the sleeves off and make fingerless gloves! 

1) Take two pieces of an old sweater, fit them around your hand. If you are using the end of two sleeves, they may fit perfectly! If they are too big (or you are using two rectangular pieces), you will need to sew them first. 

2) Fold over the cut edges and hem. In the pair I made, I only had to hem the top. 

3) Add a few stitches between the thumb and finger, and you're done! 

(In this picture, you can see the stitch I made between the thumb and finger. It's bright blue.)

Little Pumpkins

You can also use old sweaters to make these adorable pumpkins! The instructions can be found on my friend Kim's blog: Kim Chew Cooks and Crafts

Laminated Book Marks

Another simple project is to make book marks, using heavy packing tape to "laminate" them.

1) Create your design on a piece of cardstock. 

2) Cut a piece of heavy packing tape that is longer than your bookmark. 

3) Carefully lay the tape down, sticky side up. Center your bookmark over the tape and lay it on the tape.

4) Cut another piece of packing tape to match the first. Carefully lay it down, sticky side down, over your bookmark (sandwiching your bookmark between the two pieces of tape.)

5) Smooth down to press out any air bubbles.

Homemade Playdough

This recipe is from my friend Rebecca, and it's such a good one that I shared it in my new book (yes, there are recipes!) It's a fun "cooking" project to do with your kids! (That's my daughter's hand in the picture... she saw me "playing" with her play dough and couldn't help herself!)

1) In a large pot, mix together 2 cups flour, 1 cup salt, and 2 tablespoons cream of tartar.

2) Add 2 cups water and 2 tablespoons oil. At this point, you can add a few drops of food coloring, if you want only one color of play dough.

3) Cook on medium-low heat until a ball magically forms!

4) Knead on floured surface (add little bits of flour if it's sticky.) If you haven't already added the food coloring, you can divide your dough up into separate balls and add your food coloring to the balls. Knead to mix. (Your hands will get some color of them!)

5) Store in an air-tight bag or container in the refrigerator.

My next MIY project is taking a set of white cotton napkins and tie-dying them with my kids! I'll let you know how they turn out!

(For more MIY projects, check out my older posts: Make It Yourself! and Craft Ideas for Busy Moms)

How to Get Started in Homeschooling

After last year's abnormal year of schooling, I've had many parents ask me about homeschooling in the coming fall. Some are considering it because they really enjoyed having their kids at home, and some just want to try something different from what the schools are offering right now.

Whatever your reason, if you are on the fence about homeschooling, or you're ready to jump in but don't know where to start, this post can help. Read on!

SOME GREAT REASONS TO HOMESCHOOL (just three of many)

1) You pick the content.

The biggest plus of homeschooling is that you can pick what you want to focus on and include in your lessons. If your child is enthralled with astronomy, make that your science lesson. If your child is not a strong reader but loves to draw, do drawing book reports instead of written book reports. If you are looking for science or history books with a Christian base, there are many out there to get you started. 

2) You pick the methods.

The biggest complaint I heard from parents last year was how much time their kids were spending on the computer. Homeschooling parents can choose whether they want their child to learn through a book or an online program. You can get really creative and do math through cooking, sewing, or woodworking, and science through bird watching and gardening! Homeschooling does NOT have to look like classroom schooling. In fact, it shouldn't look like classroom schooling at all, so don't try to copy what teachers do in a classroom! When you're not teaching to 30+ kids at a time, there are so many things you can do differently!

3) You pick the pacing.

You know those standardizes tests that they give students every year? You don't have to do those as homeschoolers (at least in California.) I love it that when my daughter was a slow in learning to read, there was no report card saying "Needs improvement" or pressure to make her "catch up." We can spend more time on subjects that we need more time for, and less on subjects that come easily. 

4) You pick the schedule.

Is your child slow to warm up in the morning? Start school at 10am. Do you have little ones in the mix? Tackle the harder subjects during their naps.

DIFFICULTIES IN GETTING STARTED IN HOMESCHOOLING (it's an adjustment!)

1) Finding your groove.

There is a LOT of curriculum out there–it can be overwhelming. Start with something you know (I look at workbooks at the drugstores, bookstores, even Costco.) Go to the library and check out books to read. It takes a professional teacher three years to find his/her rhythm, so give yourself time too. You might not like the workbook you bought. A lesson you thought would be great might be just 'blah'. But don't give up. Keep trying.

2) Putting in the time.

Homeschooling will definitely take up your time. You'll need to look at lessons ahead of time and prepare. You'll need to sit with your child to teach them and help them. At first, you may feel like you have no free time.

3) Juggling different ages.

If you have children of different ages and levels, it will take you longer to find your groove. (And if you have toddlers and infants, it can take you longer just to get through a school day!) I combine subjects as much as possible (science, history, art, music) and have individual workbooks for math and language arts.

4) Feeling the pressure.

Homeschooling parents are always fighting against that feeling of "Am I doing enough? Will I fail my kids?" Remind yourself constantly that you cannot fail your kids by giving them more time with you at home. What is the goal, after all? That your child can read and think, love learning, love people, and love God. So it's okay if your child isn't taking AP Chemistry or Honors English. Success is marked differently in homeschooling–your child is thriving, feeling confident, feeling loved. And homeschooling doesn't have to be for forever... if it doesn't work out, you can enroll your child in school the next year. 

SOME BENEFITS OF HOMESCHOOLING 

1) When you're done, you're done.

There is no homework. No extra hour after school. When your child finishes for the day, he/she is truly finished. When you feel like your child has mastered a skill, you can move on! 

2) Your child will have more time for other things.

Homeschooling is not like a typical school day, which can go from 8am-3pm. We start at 9am and my younger kids are finished by lunch. Because there is no time used for attendance taking, crowd management, passing out papers, etc., the work is done a lot quicker. (And if your child is a fast worker, there is no waiting for the rest of the class to finish.) Then your child has time to pursue other interests, visit the library, or go play at the park with friends. 

3) Your child will eat better.

Every morning, my kids eat a good breakfast with the family. Lunch is healthy, balanced, and warm. There is no need to buy box juice or packaged snacks, or make sandwiches in the morning when you homeschool. (You're still welcome to do so, but you don't have to.)

4) There is time to work on heart issues.

If a child has a bad attitude about math at school, the teacher will do what he/she can do, then maybe contact you about it so you can deal with it later (or you find out about it weeks later at a meeting). If a child has a bad attitude about math at home, you can stop the lesson right there and talk to your child about it. Sibling disputes, talking back, all those issues that can pop up throughout the day can be dealt with right there and then. It becomes the more important lesson at that moment.

5) Less pressure.

I know my teenagers need to learn about grades and deadlines, but my younger kids don't need the pressure of passing spelling tests and turning in projects on time. We move at a slower pace, and if unexpected situations come up (because you know they do!), we can change our deadlines.

6) Time to be together.

My family is tight knit. We enjoy each other and have fun together. My kids are best friends and work together well. In a few years, my children will start leaving the nest, so we want to make the most of this time we have together!

HOW TO LEGALLY HOMESCHOOL

If you live in a state besides California, you must look up your state requirements, because every state is different.

For Californians, it is simple to become a homeschooling family. California does NOT require yearly testing. That is entirely up to you.

1) If your child was in a public or private school, talk to the administrators about making the switch. Ask them if there is any paper work you need to fill out or anything you need to do.

2) In October, file a Private School Affidavit online with the California Board of Education. Here is the link: Private School Affidavit. You can pick a "name" for your "school". My husband signs as the principal, and I sign as the administrator.

3) Keep a record of your child's attendance in school (minimum number of days is 175, recommended number of days is 180.)

4) Keep samples of your child's work in all subjects.

5) If you have younger children, keeping a record of grades is up to you. For high schoolers, record grades and start a transcript. (more of this here: High School Transcript Templates)

If you have questions, please ask!

No More Excuses

In my new book, I make a lot of confessions. Here's one I didn't include:

I'm afraid to talk to new people.

This morning, as we gathered for in-person indoor worship for the first time in over a year, I was so nervous about the many new faces filling the sanctuary. I wanted to stick close to people I knew, or busy myself with something and avoid eye contact. Just the thought of talking to someone new makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my mind go blank. 

And I used to let that be my excuse.

"I'm just shy. That's who I am."

"They don't want to talk to me. I'll wait for someone to come over to me."

"It's easier to hang out by the food table and keep putting food in my mouth so I don't have to talk to people."

But guess what? God still calls me to love people, to reach out, and to build community. And He has all the tools I need to grow in this arena.

No more excuses. 

So, this morning, I made it my goal to meet one new person before I left. And I did it! I walked straight up to a new person and introduced myself.

Sometimes I'm talking to parents and I hear them say things similar to what I used to say about being shy. 

"I could never do what you do."

"I just don't have the patience."

"You were meant to have eight kids. I wasn't."

There was a time when I believed these too! I would watch how another mom handled a situation and think, "I could never..."

But I have learned over the years that God calls me to be the best mom my kids can have. He has all the tools I need to grow as a parent. So whether I am getting to know my newborn, or I'm figuring out new ways to be organized, or I'm learning patience–again and again and again–God's got me covered. 

No more excuses.

(Read more about my parenthood journey in my book, Dirtying My Sleeves!)

My Father's Delight

When I was young, I would spend hours on the piano–playing new songs, playing old songs, singing, writing–I simply couldn't get enough. My parents loved it when I filled the house with music. My siblings didn't love it quite as much.

When it came time for me to decide on a college and major, I was set on education.

"You should study music," my parents told me.

I shrugged. But in the end I signed up as a music major because the school I picked only had education as a minor. Good thing my parents knew me better than I knew myself. I loved the four years I had to immerse myself in music; that love has not diminished. And my parents still delight in their daughter's singing and playing.

Now that I'm a mom, I also delight in my children. When I see my children doing something they love–singing, playing, running, building–the joy on their faces fills me with a greater joy.

Did you know that God delights in YOU in the same way?

Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."

Some people, when they think of God, think of His anger or His disappointment. They see God more as a taskmaster than a father. Others, when they think of God as a father, see Him more as a provider or a guardian. But a delighted Father? one who laughs? the Creator who enjoys His creation? For most of us, it's hard to picture God this way. We're thinking, "Yeah, I know He loves me, but...." 

God does not love us out of obligation. He truly enjoys us! He is happy when He sees us loving life! He rejoices over us with singing! That's like when I'm with my kids and I start singing a number from a Broadway musical (and totally embarrassing my children)! But I can't help it because I'm swept up by the joy my children give me!

Do you know the delight of the Father?

This Year, Try a New Tradition!

I've heard from several families that this year they would like to try something new for Christmas. We're all wanting to make this Christmas extra special and memorable!

So here is a simple tradition that my family does... with books! We start on December 1st and go until the 24th, and there is still plenty of time for you to get some books ready for next week.

This is what I do:

I collect our Christmas picture books, and borrow several from the library (sometimes ones we've read before, sometimes new stories), and I wrap them in Christmas paper. Some people like to wrap all the books at once, and the kids can see them as a kind of "count down" to Christmas. I like to wrap a few at a time (3-5) to minimize confusion and reuse the paper if I can (and I don't really have the space for 24 books to sit). Then every day, one child gets to "open" a "present", and we "oh" and "ah" over his/her choice and read the story together! It's a fun way to incorporate read-aloud, and also helps kids who are itching to open something before Christmas.

If you're in search of some great Christmas books to share with your family this year, let me suggest these!

Our absolute favorites:

Santa's Favorite Story by Hisako Aoki
A picture book that perfectly combines Santa with the true Hero of Christmas

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson

This is a chapter book for read-aloud or older children, but it's best read together. You'll see Christmas with fresh eyes!

The Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

The old English may be hard, so I recommend reading this aloud, or listening to an audio version of it. But don't think that watching a movie of this story (even the Muppets version... my favorite) is enough. Most adaptations remove Dickens's Christian message (and his humor– that Dickens is surprisingly funny!) Focus on the Family Radio's Radio Theater also has a wonderful audio drama version.

Christmas Tapestry by Patricia Polacco

A longer picture book that always moves me to tears 

The Legend of the Candy Cane by Lori Walburg

How that traditional little candy can tell a wondrous story

Great Joy by Kate DiCamillo

A simple, touching story about a girl and a homeless man

More favorites:

Follow the Star (all the way to Bethlehem) by Alan and Linda Parry - interactive book, has little letters and puzzle pieces

Shall I Knit You a Hat? by Kate Elise

One Night in a Stable by Guido Visconti

The Crippled Lamb by Max Lucado

Tree of Cranes by Allen Say

Oliver and Amanda's Christmas by Jean Van Leeuwen

Toot and Puddle: I'll be Home for Christmas by Holly Hobbie

Toot and Puddle: Let it Snow by Holly Hobbie

Lighthouse Christmas by Toni Buzzeo

A Homemade Together Christmas by Maryann Cocca-Leffler

Zelda and Ivy One Christmas by Laura McGee Kvasnosky

Lighthouse Christmas by Toni Buzzeo

Cranberry Christmas by Harry and Wende Devlin

A Christmas Like Helen's by Natalie Kinsey-Warnock

Auntie Claus by Elise Primavera

The Wild Christmas Reindeer by Jan Brett

The Christmas Trolls by Jan Brett

(and if you like Jan Brett's books, she has a plethora of Christmas stories: The Night Before Christmas, Who's that Knocking on Christmas Eve?, The Twelve Days of Christmas, Home for Christmas. All her Christmas stories can be found in one book, the Jan Brett's Christmas Treasury)