Growth

During a piano lesson one day, I was thinking about recitals and how far each of my students have come, when I recalled an incident from my years as a high school teacher.

It was my second year of teaching and I had been put in charge of the musical performances for graduation. No big deal. At the small private school I was teaching, I knew each senior by name and already knew who the strong singers were.

Then a senior named Kate approached me. She was friendly, gentle and kind, a girl who was content to be in the background. A quiet leader, I called her. She was a great role model in her class, and though not considered one of the "popular" students, she was loved by all. She had been doing some singing with me, and when she asked if she could sing at graduation, I said enthusiastically, "Yes!" She wasn't a strong singer, but I didn't make my decision based on that; I made it based on her character.

And then it was my job to stand up for my decision. With barely two years of experience under my belt, some other teachers felt that I shouldn't have made that call, but I stood by Kate. I knew how she'd grown the past year. I knew the courage it took for her to even get up on a stage. I knew that the song she was singing may not sound as good as some other girl singing it, but it would have more meaning. 

We still live in a culture that pressures us to look a certain way or act a certain way. We see photos of "the rich and famous" and aspire to be like them. We want to impress people, or we want our children to impress people. We compare, measure, and compare some more. But-

it is not the face you show the world for 5 minutes that counts,

it's who you are consistently when no one is watching.

it's not always the end goal that matters most,

it's also the journey you took to get there.

Growth is not looking at a tree and saying, "Wow! Look how tall it is!"

Growth is looking at a tree and saying, "Wow! That used to be a tiny seed! Look how tall it's become!"

Introducing… Dorcas!

Many years ago, I was a lonely ten-year-old whose family had just moved from New York to California. I soon met my first friend, a joyful, spunky, enthusiastic girl named Dorcas. She was a year younger than me and we had much in common– Chinese parents who were devoted Christians, a home in the suburbs, weekends spent at piano lessons and church gatherings.

A few years passed, and as life changes came our way, it seemed that Dorcas and I no longer had as much in common. Sadly, Dorcas's father passed away from liver failure when she was only 14-years-old. Dorcas went on to attend Stanford University, then married her college sweetheart, who was an engineer/entrepreneur and the cofounder and CEO of d.light, the maker of solar-powered, rechargeable, LED lanterns (check them out at www.dlight.com). Now Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, she and her husband lived internationally before settling back in California to raise their two children.

Somewhere along the way, Dorcas and I reconnected on Facebook, and that was when I discovered that Dorcas was an amazing writer! With a humble, honest, beautiful, clear voice, Dorcas shared on her blog about her faith, her life as wife and mom, and her time being a Chinese-American living in China. As I read about her unique and sometimes challenging life experiences, I found myself laughing, sighing, and sympathizing with her, and our lives once again shared a commonality– one that went beyond our young, junior high, suburban lives. Now, with her talent for writing about culture, Christian faith, and the world of small-business start-ups, she is a regular contributor for Inc.com, Christianity Today, The Well, and Asian American Women on Leadership. 

Then, almost a year ago, Dorcas made an exciting announcement! A publisher was interested in her book proposal, and she had signed a contract to write a book on start-ups and family life! And all while expecting her second child! Knowing that she was one busy mama, I hesitated to ask her for an interview, but I also knew that she had such wisdom and insights to share. So I contacted her, and she kindly found the time to answer a few questions for me. Read on (and find out where you can pick up a copy of her book!)

1) Tell us about yourself.

I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, but I have also had the privilege of living in mainland China, Hong Kong, and Kenya. My husband, Ned, and I are college sweethearts who have been married for more than twelve years. We have two adorable boys who have the wonderfully unusual combination of being part Chinese, part Turkish, and part Jewish.

For the first decade of my professional career, I worked in the nonprofit sector, supporting a number of different programs and policies to empower underserved communities. But I always loved writing and found excuses to write in my jobs, whether it was writing reports, proposals, or newsletters. When my first son was born five years ago, it seemed like as good a time as any to try pursuing writing full-time. It’s been a wild, unpredictable ride, and I have loved it.

2) What passions drive you in your writing?

I firmly believe that powerful stories can transform us on a very deep level. I am especially passionate about telling true stories that delve into the messiness of human existence—the awful, the beautiful, and the profound. It is from these stories that I think we can learn the most about who we are, what connects us as fellow human beings, and how God is redeeming each of us day by day.

3) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a wife?

Being a wife has taught me the importance of prioritizing my husband’s flourishing, even when it has been costly for me. Ned has a vocational calling that is extremely demanding, and the entire family has had to sacrifice significantly to support him. 

It has been far too easy for me to grow resentful of these sacrifices without acknowledging that Ned’s flourishing is directly linked to my own. As he has grown in his leadership through his business, he has become a more mature and supportive husband and father. He sees what I have given up for him and is that much more willing to sacrifice for me. Ned has been the greatest supporter of my writing career, even though it’s probably one of the least stable careers I could pursue.

4) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a mother?

In a single word: grace. Grace for myself, as I see all my flaws and imperfections emerging through the daily toil of managing sleep deprivation, tantrums, and adorable little people who have a mind of their own. I have learned far more about my limitations than my abilities after becoming a mom, which has pushed me to be more humble and to be more willing to ask for help. 

Grace for my sons, of course, who are trying to find their own way and establish their own identities in this world. Grace for my husband, who is a fantastic dad, even though his time with the family is limited. 

And grace for all the other moms out there, who are juggling kids and housework and vocation and community service and more. None of us are doing it perfectly, but we’re all trying our best, and we deserve to be acknowledged for our efforts.

5) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a daughter of the King?

Like many kids of Asian immigrant parents, I’ve struggled for years with striving, achievement, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. Over the past decade or so, God has been slowly unraveling the false idea that I am only as good or valuable as what I can accomplish. He has been teaching me that my worth is in my identity as his beloved—just as the worth of every other individual is as his beloved as well. 

While this is a lesson that I am still very much in the middle of learning, in recent years I have felt far greater freedom to take risks, to try new things, and to be (somewhat) okay with failing. My life is so much richer when I am less burdened by the need to prove myself or earn others’ approval. I can instead lean into the unpredictable adventure that God has me and my family on.

6)  What is the best way for readers to get a hold of your book?

As of November 7, my first book, entitled Start, Love, Repeat: How to Stay in Love with Your Entrepreneur in a Crazy Start-up World (Hachette Center Street), will be available wherever books are sold! You can get the hardcover version, e-book, or audio book through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online retailers. Hopefully you’ll also be able to find it in your local bookstore.

As you can imagine, this book was inspired by my real-life experience. My hope is that this will be a helpful, practical guidebook for couples that are struggling to balance marriage and family with growing a business. And it’ll also tell you a lot more about the life lessons I’ve learned as the wife of an entrepreneur.

To read an excerpt from Dorcas's book, or to read Dorcas's other published works, visit her website, www.chengtozun.com. And thank you so much, Dorcas, for taking the time to answer my questions! Congratulations on your new publishing venture!

More on Gushing

I was scanning Facebook one day and saw my friend's post, which read something like, "I turn on my husband's car and discover that he loves to drive with NPR blasting on the radio!"

Having had that happen to me on occasion, I commented,  "My husband does too!"

Hours later, I discover that other wives had added their comments, many with something more like "I hate it when my husband does that." Where I had been amused by the coincidence, others felt that they needed to vent about their husbands' annoying habit. I quickly deleted my comment from the Facebook post because my four innocent words had become a part of a conversation that had turned sour and bitter.

Later, I confessed to my husband the part I had played in this exchange. Even though I had not meant to demean my husband, I apologized to him for giving other people (especially people who don't know me) the impression that I had. I don't comment much on Facebook anymore, except to say encouraging things on occasion. I've learned my lesson.

It's so easy to get sucked into conversations like this. Facebook, texts, chatting over a cup of coffee… what starts as a simple comment or joke can quickly become griping and complaining. Before you know it, you're gushing about your spouse, but not in a good way! Husbands and wives, be on guard at all times. Always practice speaking in love and honoring your spouse with the words that come out of your mouth (or fingertips)!

Not-So-Instant Gratification

"Learn how to play piano in one day!"

"Buy now with 0% financing!"

"Stream any movie, anytime, anywhere!"

As our culture moves faster and faster, we begin to believe that anything of worth must also move quickly. My children don't need any help with being impatient. The younger ones want everything "NOW!" The older ones wish school and other new skills could be mastered with minimal effort.

And I see my baby, almost one-year-old now, and I think of how far we've come, and yet, how far we still have to go. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He will be in diapers for at least another year. It will be a while before we reach a place where he is not so needy, and even longer before he is ready to be fully on his own. I'm in for the long haul, and there is no way around it.

It takes time to nurture.

It takes time to build relationship.

It takes time to learn.

It takes time to grow.

I don't want to be pessimistic, but I do hope that our next generation will not be one that gives up easily and abandons anything that doesn't give instant gratification. Parents, make the choice to slow down. To not take the quick and easy route. To emphasize skill-building rather than test-taking. To acknowledge that new technology might be fun, but not entirely necessary. Talk about saving up money to buy something. Make the time to do a long-term project with your children. 

What changes do you need to make in your life to better role-model perseverance, diligence and commitment?

Concerning Social Media

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Youtube

(and those are only the ones I know!)

More and more, people are trying to connect with the help of technology. It seems that every time I turn around, there is yet another new idea for the Internet or the phone. And we like social media, because it's fairly safe. We can make a comment without engaging in a whole conversation. We can unfriend people. We can do it from our bedrooms and feel like we are still interacting with the world. Through the many photos, comments, videos, and "check-in" points, we feel like we know our friends (and even strangers) on a deeper level.

I am not here to debate whether or not social media is damaging to real-life interaction, but because it is not going away, this is a topic that needs to be addressed. A whole generation is now growing up with it as a regular part of life.  If we said that social media will have only a positive effect on people, we would be very naive. I see the current obsession with social media as a cry for attention and recognition from a world that longs for true love. We want to be known.

A few days ago, a family member was showing me the Instagram photos on her phone. With a simple touch of her finger, she could see glimpses of other people's lives. She could know what they were doing that day. And she could feel connected to them, wherever they are.

Part of me felt the old twinge of being the outsider. I don't have a cell phone, so I don't have Instagram. I also don't text, which is the primary form of communication for most of my friends. If my home phone rings, I usually assume that it is AT&T trying once again to get me to sign up for their TV service. The more people use new technology to communicate, the more isolated I feel.

But I am making a choice that I know is for my own good. If I have Instagram and know that people are posting photos every day, I would only want to be on my phone all the time. And I know that I don't need more distractions in my life. The few precious minutes of free time I have should be devoted to being in the Word, practicing my cello, enjoying my family, praying, or reaching out to people with a phone call or letter. (And actually, one of the results of my feeling isolated is that I am more intentional now about connecting!)

Also, seeing other people's photos often stirs up envy in my heart, or sometimes, apathy. After seeing so many photos of beautiful sunsets, I no longer feel the wonder and awe of seeing a beautiful sunset. And, I know that I can easily fall into the trap of living vicariously from the comfort of my home, instead of going out and seeking God's adventure for me.

Social media can be a great tool for staying connected, but it can also be isolation and shallowness in the guise of real relationship. So if you are thinking about signing up for a new app (or removing an old one), ask yourself these questions:

- Does this help me better connect with my friends, acquaintances, and family members on a deeper level, or will it be the extent of my relationship with that person?

- Will this only contribute to the "white noise"?

- Do I feel grumpy, lethargic, or discontent after seeing or reading something on social media?

- Does this help me worship God, or does it desensitize me to His wonder and beauty?

- Does this draw my attention to the world, or cause me to miss out on what is around me?

- Am I relying on safety and comfort more than God?

How Would You Respond?

Imagine if the people from Jesus's time had the mentality of people today…

…the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the well would call him a stalker and file for a restraining order.

…the woman who washed Jesus feet with perfume would instead march into the room, call him a sexist, and demand to be included in one of the twelve disciples.

…Zacchaeus would say that being a tax collector was part of his identity.

…the adulteress woman who was almost stoned to death would not change her ways because she would argue that she was a victim of her upbringing and unhappy circumstances.

Now, don't call the Bible police on me. I only want to illustrate how we are strongly influenced by the popular beliefs of our times, whether we realize it or not. From the day we are born, we are bombarded by messages, some so subtle that they penetrate our hearts and guide our decision-making without our knowing it. How many of us believe that we deserve better? How many believe that if we only had our big break, we would be happy? And women, how many of us believe that we really are better men?  If we take the time to analyze the "voices" in our head, we would find that many are not God-centered! And if we are really honest with ourselves, if Jesus cast demons out of a man and into our herd of pigs, would we be filing a lawsuit against Jesus, even though we just witnessed Him saving a man?

There are many stumbling blocks in our Christian walk, and many are difficult to remove. But it is not an impossible task, if we first ask God to remove the blinders from our eyes and shine a light on these stumbling blocks so that we aren't tripping over them in the dark. Take the time today to ask yourself: if I met Jesus, how would I respond?

The Luxury of Choice

This morning, did you have to decide which outfit to wear?

Did you check your watch, then think about taking a shower... or not?

Did you choose what you wanted to eat for breakfast– cereal, eggs, toast, or coffee from Starbucks?

These may sound like strange, silly questions about simple, mundane things, but let me point this out to you: if you are making choices, you are living in luxury.

I was reminded of this the other day when my daughter needed to wash her hands and she came to tell me that someone was in the bathroom.

"Remember, you can always use the other bathroom," I told her. "In fact, you can wash your hands in the kitchen. We have three sinks in this house! THREE!"

At that moment, I was struck by the prosperity around me. Not only do we have three sinks, but they all have hot and cold water! And we have four bedrooms! Families in Hong Kong squeeze into tiny one or two bedroom apartments. And not only do I have one car, I have TWO! Children in Africa walk miles to retrieve water or to go to school. And, if you count all the plates in our house (even if they are chipped or mismatched), we have enough for ten medium-sized families!

And this is only material wealth we're talking about. What about the freedom to do what you want with your time? To say what you want? To go where you want? People in China cannot speak freely. Children in India work all day in dangerous conditions. Men and women in many countries are imprisoned by corrupt police for unjust reasons. There are people STILL living in slavery today, even in the United States, and choice is something they can only dream of.

Take a few seconds today to stop and think whenever you are making a choice. Usually, we make everyday decisions without giving them much thought. Which shoes? Which book? Which store?– we take them all for granted. But our gratefulness will abound if we start seeing that the choice itself is a gift. We will begin to see that everything, from our abilities to walk and talk to reading this blog on a computer, is from God.

Then, if you are interested in learning more about poverty, slavery, and injustice around the world, check out these links:

Compassion International- Facts about poverty- My family has sponsored two children through Compassion International. I especially love reading stories about their "graduates" and how they are now using their education and knowledge to help their families and communities escape poverty.

Made in a Free World- The founder and CEO of this organization used to lead worship at the church I attended in Oakland. He is a gifted songwriter and singer (I often have one of his songs going in my head), but has decided to use his talents to tackle something bigger. Their Slavery Footprint "game" is eye-opening, as is their blog.

International Justice Mission- People living in poverty can barely afford food, so when they are in need of a lawyer or advocate, they are often helpless in their situation. IJM have put rapists in prison and freed innocent men and women. They are also on the front lines of the war against slavery, especially sex-trafficking.

Culture ≠ Standard

Three nights ago, I dreamed that I was sitting in church, watching as people gathered for the beginning of the service. For some reason, there were children sitting together, apart from their parents, in the back corner of the room. As more parents arrived with their children, they saw the separation and they too left their children in the back of the room and went to sit elsewhere. I awoke with a strange feeling in my chest.

While my dream self was worried about the children sitting alone ("What if they start getting rowdy?"), the thought that bothered me the most when I awoke was, "Did the parents just assume that they should do what they see a few other parents doing?"

It is true that when people are in doubt, they take cues from other people. They do what they see others do, without always asking why. In the book Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion, psychologist Robert Cialdini discusses a principle called 'social proof' and describes a study in which a person stands on a city sidewalk and looks up at the sky. Soon, other people stop and look too, though no one knows what they are really looking at (which was basically nothing).

Harmless enough when it is a matter of making a few people look foolish and wasting a few minutes of their time, but what about parenting situations, like in my dream? Is it enough for parents to say, "My neighbor lets his kids do that, so it's okay"? Or for children to tell their parents, "Everyone else in my class has one!"? How about "Kids on TV and in movies do it"? Media portrays teens (and pre-teens) as tech-savvy, iPhone-wielding, sex-hungry, street-wise rebels. And parents start going along with it.

Keep in mind also that when we talk about culture, this includes church/Christian culture. My dream is another great example of this. We should be asking ourselves, "Why are the children sitting apart from their parents during a worship service?" Is it because that's the way it's "always been"? Other questions to ask are: Does my church tend to function on practicality, popular vote and expectations, or tradition? Is the Bible the filter for all major decisions?

Culture is ever changing and dependent on time, place, and people. Don't fall into the trap of using the cultural norm as your standard of parenting (or living). Remember that if you do, you are basing your life on other people's opinions, not on God's word. Hold fast to the only standard that is based on truth, love, and hope, and when in doubt, say, "I'm not sure, let me check on that," and turn to the Bible for wisdom and guidance.

Halloween… Cheer?

I am feeling confused tonight.

Home are lit up.

Neighbors are opening their doors to strangers.

I hear children laughing and adults chatting.

People are out strolling, enjoying the cooling evening air.

It's the only night you'll see this in my neighborhood. Despite the skeletons, grave yards, and witches decorating some front lawns, there was a definite feeling of community and joy in the air tonight. Why? I want to know. Are people united by the traditions of dressing up and carving jack-o-lanterns? Do adults love seeing cute children on their front porch and hearing their little voices say "Twick-o-tweat"? Is it the beautiful autumn season? What is the source of this jubilation, on a holiday that is associated with dead and scary things and has no message of hope or happiness… or anything, for that matter?

I feel that if I could answer these questions, I could bring back the cheer that was once associated with Christmas. Then on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day we would hear song and laughter fill our streets. Neighbors would visit each other with gifts. Windows would all be aglow with lights. Hope would unite us and joy would overflow from every person.

But, how to do this?

Slipping Through Our Fingers

My kids were watching a DVD from the library, 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" I still love it when Charlie Brown looks in his trick-or-treat bag and sighs, "I got a rock."

I grew up watching that cartoon. It was our annual tradition. We looked forward to it because we knew that around Halloween, that would be the only time the TV channel would broadcast it.

Like Christmas specials at Christmas time.

And Saturday morning cartoons on Saturday mornings.

We had to wait for it.

As I see more and more children with their own iPhones (I don't know how any parent can afford that!) or pocket video-games-DVD-player-thingamabobs, the children so engrossed that they cannot stop even when they are walking, I have this growing sense that we are losing something intangible and valuable with this generation. It's something that I myself will never fully understand, because I grew up with videos, microwaves, and basic computers. But it's slipping through our fingers. And we don't even know it.

There are many things I could say to parents out there, but I won't. This is all I'm going to say:

Think before you choose your default setting of entertaining your child with the TV or smart phone, or when you feel the inclination to buy your child a new gadget. Look past the immediate gratification and try to grasp the repercussions down the road. Be intentional with your children. 

No More Lego Store

In my last post I talked a little about how men think differently than women about sex. Now let's talk about how current trends are not helping men.

A few months back, I took my children to the mall. I had one short errand to run in one of the larger stores, so I thought it would be fun to let the children ride on the escalators  once or twice (we're easily amused). Then the kids asked if we could go to the Lego store for a short while, "just to look", and I thought, "Sure, why not? It's once in a blue moon!"

What I had forgotten was that the Lego store was near the center of the mall. We briskly walked past all the clothing and cosmetic stores, but with every step, I grew increasingly aware of the photos of the models in the store windows. Some were barely dressed. Right by the elevator was a larger-than-life woman with a "come-hither" look on her face and her shirt half-way unbuttoned. My face grew hot. When I caught my almost-twelve-year-old son looking at the picture, my face grew hotter. I just wanted to get out of there.

I told my husband later that day, "Well, no more Lego store!" He understood when I told him about our trip, because, after all, he's a man. For years he has lamented that Victoria's Secret, passed by hundreds of men walking through the mall everyday, is not as discreet as it once was ("What's the 'secret'?"). And the mall is not the only place that utilizes sex as advertising. Magazines on display at the grocery store checkout sometimes leave little to the imagination. TV commercials (especially during sports games) are even worse. It's no surprise that pornography usage and addiction is on the rise.

I can't protect my children from everything, but I will do what I can to limit the danger and guard their innocence for as long as I can. We don't have any kind of television service, or Netflix. None of my children have their own cell phones or Facebook accounts. My girls and I don't wear short shorts or skirts, leggings as pants, or exercise clothes in public (modesty in clothes show respect for men and women alike). I also don't allow my girls to wear fashions copied after sexier, adult styles. When I go shopping, I quickly scan magazines at the check-out counter and try to stand strategically (and distract, distract, distract!). And maybe it's time to shop only at stores that do not have magazines at their checkout. And yes, no more mall, and no more Lego store. It might sound like I am depriving my children of a childhood, but really, I am giving them one.

Loving My Husband

This is it! I've been wanting to write on this topic for so long! Now I finally feel that I'm ready to start a dialogue on… 

(drum roll, please)….

 SEX!

[cue awkward silence]

Ahem. Yes, sex– specifically sex in marriage. But before you go, hear me out for just a little longer, especially you fellow wives. Notice that I titled this post "Loving My Husband," not "Sex in Marriage." Though I will be writing about sex, my focus is on how to love husbands better. There is nothing graphic in this post; it is all based on what I have learned after several years of seeking to understand how God made men different from women. Now if you still choose to stop reading, I would not be offended. I just think that what I have learned is worth sharing.

First, it is important to establish a starting point for this dialogue. Because sex is a hot topic in media, we might think we are experts on sex. Magazines gives us "tips". Movies and television broadcast it. "Everyone" is doing it. This constant bombardment leads us to believe that sex is recreational, that it is all about fun and satisfying lust.

Here's the problem. Not only is that statement not true, it has led us to believe many other untruths about sex, such as:

-Men who "need" sex are animalistic.
-Sex is purely a physical act.
-Pornography is normal.
-Sex with the same person will get boring after a while. Expect the passion to dissipate several years into your marriage.

While pornography and sex outside of marriage are expressly prohibited in the Bible (Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5), what about sex within marriage? What does the Bible say about that? And why is sex commonly an area of frustration for married couples?

Here's the scoop. Wives in general do not understand what a big role sex plays in their marriage. They don't understand their husband's need for sex. And because media tend to portray men's need for sex as lewd, wives have come to believe that if their husbands desire more sex, they too must be lewd. Again, the root of this misconception is the idea that sex is purely recreational. In their subconscious, wives are thinking, "Sex is like a hobby, just icing on the cake." The problem is, their husbands are thinking, "Sex is the cake."

I was one of those wives. The first few months of being a newly-wed was easy. Then, I got pregnant. And more tired. And then the baby came. Sex quickly took a backseat.

Hey, no big deal if we don't have sex for a few days, right? I thought. But sometimes, the "few days" stretched out longer and longer. As more children came along, I continued to strive to be the best wife and mother I could be, oblivious to my husband's frustration.

Then, six years into our marriage, my husband lost his job. I did everything I could think of to encourage him and help him fight depression. But all the outings, all the notes, all the hugs, and all the pep talks fell short of what he really needed from me... sex. When he told me this, months afterwards, I was shocked! Sex was the last thing on my mind! And that was when I realized that men and women think about sex differently, and I have tried ever since to understand my husband and his need for sex. Throughout my discovery process, my husband, relieved that I want to know him and share more deeply in this important aspect of our married life, gladly helped me by answering questions.

Here is what I have learned so far:

–Men do think about sex more often than women. This does not mean that they are perverted. Any number of words or images can trigger the thought of sex in their minds.
–Yes, men are visual. If a woman is wearing tight pants or a low-neck blouse, my husband will notice without trying. His brain computes the data differently than my brain. This does not mean that he is lusting after that woman. It also doesn't mean that my husband is perverted, overly sexual, or disrespectful of women.
–Again, men are highly visual. This is why pornography is dangerous. Every time my husband thinks about sex, the thought should be linked to me, and only me. So by having sex regularly, I am making sure his "photos" of me outnumber the images he encounters daily in movies, ads, and magazine covers.
–My husband loves me for my mind and my heart, but he also loves me for my body. The three are not separate from one another. My inner beauty makes my husband love my outer beauty more. Even as I grow more wrinkled and saggy, my husband's love for me, and my body, will only grow.
–My husband feels closest emotionally and relationally to me when we are having sex. It defines our unique relationship. Only I can be his wife. Only he can be my husband. 
–Sex is linked to my husband's self-esteem, physical and mental well-being, and emotional bank.
–My husband doesn't need sex. He needs ME!

Wives, your husband's need for sex may not make sense to you, but God intentionally created men to be different from women. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).  And when God created man, He put in man a deep need for sex within the context of marriage. 

The best analogy I have to help wives understand this difference is this: what if your only source of good conversation is your husband? Or if you don't have a need for conversation, substitute chocolate or coffee  into the equation. What if you could have your favorite food only when your husband gives it to you? How would you feel when he doesn't offer it? How would you feel after a few days? Or a few weeks? Remember that I Corinthians 7:5 says, Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

And wives, also keep this in mind: the attitude we have "in bed" reflects our attitudes towards our husbands. Colossians 3:17 says, Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. So, are we kind? Thoughtful? Resentful? Bitter? Are we pursuing Biblical wifehood? (Read this recent post for more on that: Pursuing Biblical Wifehood)

I hope this helps, or at least begins a dialogue between you and your spouse. Women will never truly comprehend men, but maybe we weren't meant to. God created us differently but put us together so we can learn from each other. Through mutual selfless giving, we can learn to serve each other and gain better appreciation for our differences. In this way, sex with your spouse should get better with each passing year!


For those who want to go a step further: sit down with your husband and ask him these questions. But be sure to listen to his answers without judging and pay attention to when he gets most excited.

–How often would you prefer to have sex?
–What part of my body is your favorite? Why?
–What kinds of clothes do you like to see me in? Why?
–How do you feel when you try to initiate sex and I say 'no'?
–How do you feel when I initiate?

Pursuing Biblical Wifehood

I was thinking the other day, "We celebrate Mother's Day… why don't we celebrate Wife's Day?"

Okay, I admit, I wasn't really thinking that.

What I was thinking was, "Most people consider motherhood to be a higher calling, but what about wifehood?"

Our culture at large does not make much of wifehood. There are no brochures for classes on wifehood. When was the last time you even heard someone use the word 'wifehood'? 

Maybe it's because Mother's Day is something everyone can celebrate. Everyone has a mother, but not everyone has a wife. We all owe at least a little something to our mothers for giving birth to us.

Or maybe it's because, though both motherhood and wifehood require servanthood, most people believe that sacrifice for a mother is for the good of the child, while for a wife, it's at the expense of the woman.

That's the result of years of feminist arguments, years of fighting for a women's right to never have to submit to a man again.

But that is not how the Bible portrays marriage! My husband and I sat with a young couple  the other night and answered their questions on Biblical roles for husbands and wives. We discussed how marriage is not about domination. Rather, it is about husband and wife serving each other in a way that reflects Jesus and His Father. In Timothy and Kathy Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage, Kathy writes (in the chapter titled 'Embracing the Other'), 

The Son defers to his Father, taking the subordinate role. The Father accepts the gift, but then exalts the Son to the highest place. Each wishes to please the other, each wishes to exalt the other. Love and honor are given, accepted, and given again. In I Corinthians 11:3, Paul says directly what is implied in Philippians 2–namely, that the relationship of the Father and the Son is a pattern for the relationship of husband to wife.

How beautiful and mysterious! If ALL wives understood that their role is not merely a series of actions (just as changing a diaper doesn't necessarily make you a mother), then marriages across the board would be joyful, everlasting examples of unconditional love!

In this current age (commonly called the 'hook-up' culture), the majority of people get married with the thought that marriage is not life-changing, that the difference between dating and marriage is nothing more than checking a different box on your tax form. People don't anticipate that marriage takes effort, that it requires sacrifice, that it essentially changes them in a way dating doesn't.

But wifehood does change a person, the way motherhood changes a person! God's design is for spouses to shape each other as they learn from the other's strengths and give grace to cover the other's weaknesses. A married woman who stubbornly holds on to her former life and former self will take on the title 'wife' in name only. Wifehood, the state of of being a good wife, is an honorable endeavor that must be pursued. Then, after years of pursuit, the wife will become a more kind, more understanding, and more gracious person.

Recently, I met up with some old friends at a park. As we caught up on all that had happened since high school graduation, I sensed my friends' underlying current of resentment towards their husbands. They still love their husbands, and their lives are stable (good job, nice house, healthy children, faithful husband), but all was easy-going until they had children.

I'm not blaming the children. I'm not blaming the husband either, nor am I blaming the wives. When a woman is outside of Christian circles, when she does not have good role models for marriage, and when popular culture does not encourage wives to keep pursuing wifehood, where does she turn to? When the wife becomes a mother and is home more with the children and wondering, "Who am I now?" she will naturally focus more on motherhood than wifehood, even though wifehood is the foundation for motherhood. But if no one tells her that, and she observes that her life has become a cycle of cleaning, cooking, and mothering while her husband focuses on his career, his hobbies, and fathering, what does she have to hold on to? Or for a wife with a career, when things at work are on a up-swing while life at home is not, why wouldn't she want to turn to what gratifies her the most?

Alas, many marriages end when the children are older or career changes occur because 'wifehood' was lost somewhere along the way.

How do we pursue Biblical wifehood then? It would take a whole book to answer that question. Start by reading Tim and Kathy Keller's book. Also, I encourage you to memorize  Colossians 3 or Philippians 2 (that's my project right now). Then practice these quick but not-so-simple tips:

1) Always seek to understand and learn about your husband rather than try to make him more like yourself.

2) Practice kindness. Be the first to say "I'm sorry."

3) Depending on the ages of your children, this may be harder to do, but strive to put your husband first and your children second. Do the same with your career.

4) Be honest rather than manipulative.

5) Don't demolish your husband. Build him up. Support him.

 6) Forgive as God forgave you. REALLY.

You won't achieve every one of these everyday. But be encouraged; every small action, if repeated often enough, will become habit. Keep pursuing Biblical wifehood, with the goal of someday perfecting it.

Bless you!

I hear this a lot. And it's not because I suffer from hay fever and sneeze often.

While I was grocery shopping with my six children, a man stopped his cart next to mine, put his palms together, gave me a little bow, and said, "Bless you!"

I smiled but did not comment. He was acknowledging that what I do is not easy, but his smile conveyed this underlying message: "Better you than me!"

Which is the overall consensus in our culture today. Children are pint-sized energy-drainers, money-suckers, party-poopers, and trouble-makers. Someone needs to train and teach them (at least for our future's sake), but who has the patience and energy?

I don't consider myself to be anyone special. I don't have multiple degrees in teaching or child development. I am not skilled in housekeeping or management. I wouldn't even say that I am a patient person. People call me 'Super Mom' when I am no more qualified for motherhood than they are, with the exception of this one thing:

I make it my duty– my honor– my calling– to be the one to train and teach my children. Not a pastor, not a teacher, not a relative, friend, or neighbor, and certainly not a piece of technology can take my place as Mom and primary role model in my children's lives.

And if I am to be blessed for what I do, I ask this: 

Bless me with wisdom to guide and teach these children of Yours.

Bless me with the understanding of the gravity of my responsibilities as a parent.

Bless me with faithfulness, so that my words and actions with point them to You.

Every time I go to the store, I'm surrounded by a small crowd of people I love. If that's not a blessing, I don't know what is!

More on Learning, Life, and Intentionality

I was lying on my bed next to my five-month-old while chatting with my husband about a conversation he had had with the older children. The conversation had been on cell-phone usage, and I immediately recalled my list from twelve days ago. I had thought at the time that the list was thorough, but I had forgotten one thing. What else does a child learn while waiting for dinner at a restaurant? Contentment.

Contentment is listening to my husband's voice without being interrupted by a text message alert. It is watching my son's expressive face and hands without wondering, "Who's Twittering now?" But contentment is a stranger to the child with an endless source of entertainment at his/her fingertips. It is a foreign concept to the teenager who can surf the Internet and text with friends in the midst of a class, a car ride, or 'family time'. There is more, always MORE, on those little gadgets to seduce a person away from what is happening in his/her immediate surroundings. 

It's sad that people don't realize that what they are looking for on their smart phones is contentment. And of course, they will never find it there.

Learning, Life, and Intentionality

As a homeschooling family, we naturally see every moment as a learning opportunity. We know that lessons in life go beyond facts, numbers, and the classroom.

So when I listened to my friend describe her sons' recent playdates, I shook my head. The problem wasn't that her sons' friends were wild and undisciplined; rather, their friends were bored! They asked to play video games and Wii, and when my friend told them, "We don't have any of those… there's plenty of others things to play," the boys didn't know what to do. They sat on the couch and announced, "I'm bored!"

How sad, to hear that elementary-age boys don't know how to play anymore. And we analyze and criticize video games, arguing that they are too violent or too sedentary, but forgetting that there are many, many lessons that children are not learning while they sit in front of a screen. Social interaction, body awareness, and creativity are just the tip of the iceberg.

Take phones and games at the dinner table. In order to quiet a child at a restaurant, a parent offers a game once. Then, because the child asks again, and because it's easy, the parents offers it again, until it becomes the norm. Go to a restaurant equals playing on the phone. The child is missing out on family interaction, of course, but what the child is also not learning is:

- manners

- patience
- self-control

- appreciation of those preparing and serving the food
- understanding of the time it takes to prepare food

- listening and responding in conversation

- boundaries

- social rules

- awareness of people
- care of people
- value of people

Every time our family sits down to eat, life lessons are being reinforced. It may seem tiring to live so intentionally, but that is what godly parenting must be (and godly living too!). So parents, think twice before you say "yes" to phones, video games, and TV. In a world where 'Google' has become a verb and soon even your toothbrush can come with an 'app', it is important to be intentional. Don't forget that every moment is significant and that the little things add up and make a difference.