This is it! I've been wanting to write on this topic for so long! Now I finally feel that I'm ready to start a dialogue on…
(drum roll, please)….
SEX!
[cue awkward silence]
Ahem. Yes, sex– specifically sex in marriage. But before you go, hear me out for just a little longer, especially you fellow wives. Notice that I titled this post "Loving My Husband," not "Sex in Marriage." Though I will be writing about sex, my focus is on how to love husbands better. There is nothing graphic in this post; it is all based on what I have learned after several years of seeking to understand how God made men different from women. Now if you still choose to stop reading, I would not be offended. I just think that what I have learned is worth sharing.
First, it is important to establish a starting point for this dialogue. Because sex is a hot topic in media, we might think we are experts on sex. Magazines gives us "tips". Movies and television broadcast it. "Everyone" is doing it. This constant bombardment leads us to believe that sex is recreational, that it is all about fun and satisfying lust.
Here's the problem. Not only is that statement not true, it has led us to believe many other untruths about sex, such as:
-Men who "need" sex are animalistic.
-Sex is purely a physical act.
-Pornography is normal.
-Sex with the same person will get boring after a while. Expect the passion to dissipate several years into your marriage.
While pornography and sex outside of marriage are expressly prohibited in the Bible (Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5), what about sex within marriage? What does the Bible say about that? And why is sex commonly an area of frustration for married couples?
Here's the scoop. Wives in general do not understand what a big role sex plays in their marriage. They don't understand their husband's need for sex. And because media tend to portray men's need for sex as lewd, wives have come to believe that if their husbands desire more sex, they too must be lewd. Again, the root of this misconception is the idea that sex is purely recreational. In their subconscious, wives are thinking, "Sex is like a hobby, just icing on the cake." The problem is, their husbands are thinking, "Sex is the cake."
I was one of those wives. The first few months of being a newly-wed was easy. Then, I got pregnant. And more tired. And then the baby came. Sex quickly took a backseat.
Hey, no big deal if we don't have sex for a few days, right? I thought. But sometimes, the "few days" stretched out longer and longer. As more children came along, I continued to strive to be the best wife and mother I could be, oblivious to my husband's frustration.
Then, six years into our marriage, my husband lost his job. I did everything I could think of to encourage him and help him fight depression. But all the outings, all the notes, all the hugs, and all the pep talks fell short of what he really needed from me... sex. When he told me this, months afterwards, I was shocked! Sex was the last thing on my mind! And that was when I realized that men and women think about sex differently, and I have tried ever since to understand my husband and his need for sex. Throughout my discovery process, my husband, relieved that I want to know him and share more deeply in this important aspect of our married life, gladly helped me by answering questions.
Here is what I have learned so far:
–Men do think about sex more often than women. This does not mean that they are perverted. Any number of words or images can trigger the thought of sex in their minds.
–Yes, men are visual. If a woman is wearing tight pants or a low-neck blouse, my husband will notice without trying. His brain computes the data differently than my brain. This does not mean that he is lusting after that woman. It also doesn't mean that my husband is perverted, overly sexual, or disrespectful of women.
–Again, men are highly visual. This is why pornography is dangerous. Every time my husband thinks about sex, the thought should be linked to me, and only me. So by having sex regularly, I am making sure his "photos" of me outnumber the images he encounters daily in movies, ads, and magazine covers.
–My husband loves me for my mind and my heart, but he also loves me for my body. The three are not separate from one another. My inner beauty makes my husband love my outer beauty more. Even as I grow more wrinkled and saggy, my husband's love for me, and my body, will only grow.
–My husband feels closest emotionally and relationally to me when we are having sex. It defines our unique relationship. Only I can be his wife. Only he can be my husband.
–Sex is linked to my husband's self-esteem, physical and mental well-being, and emotional bank.
–My husband doesn't need sex. He needs ME!
Wives, your husband's need for sex may not make sense to you, but God intentionally created men to be different from women. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). And when God created man, He put in man a deep need for sex within the context of marriage.
(drum roll, please)….
SEX!
[cue awkward silence]
Ahem. Yes, sex– specifically sex in marriage. But before you go, hear me out for just a little longer, especially you fellow wives. Notice that I titled this post "Loving My Husband," not "Sex in Marriage." Though I will be writing about sex, my focus is on how to love husbands better. There is nothing graphic in this post; it is all based on what I have learned after several years of seeking to understand how God made men different from women. Now if you still choose to stop reading, I would not be offended. I just think that what I have learned is worth sharing.
First, it is important to establish a starting point for this dialogue. Because sex is a hot topic in media, we might think we are experts on sex. Magazines gives us "tips". Movies and television broadcast it. "Everyone" is doing it. This constant bombardment leads us to believe that sex is recreational, that it is all about fun and satisfying lust.
Here's the problem. Not only is that statement not true, it has led us to believe many other untruths about sex, such as:
-Men who "need" sex are animalistic.
-Sex is purely a physical act.
-Pornography is normal.
-Sex with the same person will get boring after a while. Expect the passion to dissipate several years into your marriage.
While pornography and sex outside of marriage are expressly prohibited in the Bible (Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5), what about sex within marriage? What does the Bible say about that? And why is sex commonly an area of frustration for married couples?
Here's the scoop. Wives in general do not understand what a big role sex plays in their marriage. They don't understand their husband's need for sex. And because media tend to portray men's need for sex as lewd, wives have come to believe that if their husbands desire more sex, they too must be lewd. Again, the root of this misconception is the idea that sex is purely recreational. In their subconscious, wives are thinking, "Sex is like a hobby, just icing on the cake." The problem is, their husbands are thinking, "Sex is the cake."
I was one of those wives. The first few months of being a newly-wed was easy. Then, I got pregnant. And more tired. And then the baby came. Sex quickly took a backseat.
Hey, no big deal if we don't have sex for a few days, right? I thought. But sometimes, the "few days" stretched out longer and longer. As more children came along, I continued to strive to be the best wife and mother I could be, oblivious to my husband's frustration.
Then, six years into our marriage, my husband lost his job. I did everything I could think of to encourage him and help him fight depression. But all the outings, all the notes, all the hugs, and all the pep talks fell short of what he really needed from me... sex. When he told me this, months afterwards, I was shocked! Sex was the last thing on my mind! And that was when I realized that men and women think about sex differently, and I have tried ever since to understand my husband and his need for sex. Throughout my discovery process, my husband, relieved that I want to know him and share more deeply in this important aspect of our married life, gladly helped me by answering questions.
Here is what I have learned so far:
–Men do think about sex more often than women. This does not mean that they are perverted. Any number of words or images can trigger the thought of sex in their minds.
–Yes, men are visual. If a woman is wearing tight pants or a low-neck blouse, my husband will notice without trying. His brain computes the data differently than my brain. This does not mean that he is lusting after that woman. It also doesn't mean that my husband is perverted, overly sexual, or disrespectful of women.
–Again, men are highly visual. This is why pornography is dangerous. Every time my husband thinks about sex, the thought should be linked to me, and only me. So by having sex regularly, I am making sure his "photos" of me outnumber the images he encounters daily in movies, ads, and magazine covers.
–My husband loves me for my mind and my heart, but he also loves me for my body. The three are not separate from one another. My inner beauty makes my husband love my outer beauty more. Even as I grow more wrinkled and saggy, my husband's love for me, and my body, will only grow.
–My husband feels closest emotionally and relationally to me when we are having sex. It defines our unique relationship. Only I can be his wife. Only he can be my husband.
–Sex is linked to my husband's self-esteem, physical and mental well-being, and emotional bank.
–My husband doesn't need sex. He needs ME!
Wives, your husband's need for sex may not make sense to you, but God intentionally created men to be different from women. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). And when God created man, He put in man a deep need for sex within the context of marriage.
The best analogy I have to help wives understand this difference is this: what if your only source of good conversation is your husband? Or if you don't have a need for conversation, substitute chocolate or coffee into the equation. What if you could have your favorite food only when your husband gives it to you? How would you feel when he doesn't offer it? How would you feel after a few days? Or a few weeks? Remember that I Corinthians 7:5 says, Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
And wives, also keep this in mind: the attitude we have "in bed" reflects our attitudes towards our husbands. Colossians 3:17 says, Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. So, are we kind? Thoughtful? Resentful? Bitter? Are we pursuing Biblical wifehood? (Read this recent post for more on that: Pursuing Biblical Wifehood)
I hope this helps, or at least begins a dialogue between you and your spouse. Women will never truly comprehend men, but maybe we weren't meant to. God created us differently but put us together so we can learn from each other. Through mutual selfless giving, we can learn to serve each other and gain better appreciation for our differences. In this way, sex with your spouse should get better with each passing year!
For those who want to go a step further: sit down with your husband and ask him these questions. But be sure to listen to his answers without judging and pay attention to when he gets most excited.
–How often would you prefer to have sex?
–What part of my body is your favorite? Why?
–What kinds of clothes do you like to see me in? Why?
–How do you feel when you try to initiate sex and I say 'no'?
–How do you feel when I initiate?
And wives, also keep this in mind: the attitude we have "in bed" reflects our attitudes towards our husbands. Colossians 3:17 says, Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. So, are we kind? Thoughtful? Resentful? Bitter? Are we pursuing Biblical wifehood? (Read this recent post for more on that: Pursuing Biblical Wifehood)
I hope this helps, or at least begins a dialogue between you and your spouse. Women will never truly comprehend men, but maybe we weren't meant to. God created us differently but put us together so we can learn from each other. Through mutual selfless giving, we can learn to serve each other and gain better appreciation for our differences. In this way, sex with your spouse should get better with each passing year!
For those who want to go a step further: sit down with your husband and ask him these questions. But be sure to listen to his answers without judging and pay attention to when he gets most excited.
–How often would you prefer to have sex?
–What part of my body is your favorite? Why?
–What kinds of clothes do you like to see me in? Why?
–How do you feel when you try to initiate sex and I say 'no'?
–How do you feel when I initiate?
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