Food for the Soul

During the Covid pandemic, I had a clear understanding of the purpose of art. Though most people had food and shelter during the lock-down, it wasn't enough. We aren't simply robots, needing a recharge and tune-up every now and then. We are human, we are souls, and art fed those souls. So my family and I painted cards to send to people and made music videos to share online. At that time, I understood that art was a necessity.

But somehow, this past year, I lost that understanding. I no longer had a clear vision of the "why" behind what I did. My head knew it, but my heart didn't. As I tried to think of ways to bring in more income to help my college-bound children, I felt more and more that artists were undervalued in society. Schools were cutting art and music programs. Tech and computer skills were desirable in the job market. I could make $25/hour teaching music, but if a fast-food employee makes $20/hour (new law here in California), then does that mean I'm worth a little more than a McDonald worker? (I know it's not the right question to ask, but that's where my heart was at the time.)

What made matters worst was that after I finished vocal directing The Wizard of Oz in June, I felt a big hole. I had spent months working on this beautiful show, and it was all over in four days. What was I doing? I asked myself. Is it all meaningless?

I needed someone to shine a light through my fog, so this morning I had breakfast with my friend KW (who was the director of The Wizard of Oz and my musical, Five Children and It.) As she talked about collaboration and worship and God and all things dear to her heart, she couldn't hold back her tears. I just sat and listened. 

Hours later, I thought about her words, and it was then that my fog lifted. This is the vision I have now:

The shows I work on are like apples (or fill in with your favorite fruit here.) Most people will eat an apple, appreciate it, and enjoy it in the moment. They probably will not think about where the fruit came from, beyond the grocery store they bought it at. I, on the other hand, was there before the apple even started growing. I cared for the tree, saw the blossoms, and tended the apples as they grew. I worked alongside the Creator to ensure a sweet, beautiful crop. And in the end, when I enjoyed a bite of the apple, I could think back to the day I first saw the tiny apple growing on the tree. And I could be proud of the work I've done, even after the apple is gone.

So now I see that being an artist is an amazing blessing, not a curse. The world may not value it as such, but that's okay. I'm working with God to cultivate food for the soul!

Who Does She Look Like?

When I look at you

I don't see your sister

Nor your brother

Nor your father

Nor even me

When I look at you

I see the Designer

the Artist

the Architect

the Sculptor

the Engineer

the Knitter

the Scientist

the Musician

the Writer

the One who gifted me with this work of art

and allowed me to hold His masterpiece

this six pound eleven ounce masterpiece

in my arms

On Being Pregnant

I only realized today that I have never written about pregnancy. Probably because in the past, whenever I was pregnant, I was also trying to keep up with a toddler. And truthfully, I've never given much thought to pregnancy. I just accepted it "as is". Even now, if someone asks me how I'm feeling (6 months pregnant at this point), I usually just say with a smile, "Like I'm carrying a bowling ball in my stomach."

But my emotions are much more complex than that. It's a "bowling ball" that is depending on me for life. And so far, this baby is pretty mellow, so every other night I wake up in a panic, wondering if she is still alive because I hadn't notice movement since the afternoon.

And though I KNOW that I'm not "fat", I can't help but be self-conscious about how this "bowling ball" makes me look. Clothes don't fit like they used to. People say I look "glowing" and "beautiful", but most of the time, I don't feel like that. I'm tired. My legs and ankles ache. If I don't wear compression tights, the veins on my legs bulge (I apologize in advance for the gross imagery) like I have slugs and worms living under my skin.

Simply put, I don't feel like myself.

But then again, that's because I am NOT myself. I am, in fact, two people right now.

And maybe that's the whole point. These nine months before the baby is born puts me in a place of discomfort and inconvenience–to say the least–which forces me to be less self-centered. It's not all about me. Just as it will not be all about me when this child is born. Can I put myself aside during these months, before this tiny human arrives and I have to put myself aside even more? And for my husband–this is training time to care for me more as I go through nausea and pain and self-doubt. He is my encouragement, now and for the months and years ahead.

So rather than treating these months of pregnancy as a waiting period, impatiently whining and griping while the baby is "just growing", I can learn to enjoy this time as a period where God is growing ME. 

Taking Part in the Beautiful

photo courtesy of J Swenson Photography

My son was born in my bedroom. It still seems unreal sometimes. With only my husband, my midwife, my photographer friend, and three pushes, my baby saw light for the first time. And as soon as I held him in my arms, all the pain of the previous nine hours, and the fears of the previous nine months, were forgotten.

As you can see from the photo, the joy I felt at that moment could not be contained. It didn’t matter that this was my sixth child. This was still special. Like listening to Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. Or watching a sunset go through all its changes. It doesn’t matter that I’ve heard Adagio for Strings five hundred times before, or that I’ve watched a thousand sunsets in my lifetime. It’s still special–every time. Only, this was even better. In giving birth, I’m a participant, not a bystander.

We all long for opportunities to take part in the Beautiful, to step into something bigger than ourselves. This was my chance. And it was only the beginning, Day 1 of many days of raising and caring for this child. And it may seem mundane, even degrading at times. The lustre of parenthood is not always as clear as it is on the day of meeting one’s child. Certainly there are days when I wish for a sunset, in Paris, from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Or an opportunity to sing Adagio for Strings, in a beautiful concert hall, with a top-notch choir.

But let me never forget, I am still an integral part of the Beautiful, from diapers to runny noses, from laundry to dishes. For what can be more beautiful than human life?

Food for Our Souls

My dad could have been a musician.

But growing up in Hong Kong, he was cooking for his family by the time he was twelve and supporting himself through college. As an adult, he still had a desire to learn the piano and study music theory (and for the longest time, we had two old violins that moved with us from house to house), but he never found the time.

My mom too could have been a musician.

I would hear her singing as she worked in the kitchen, her soprano voice ringing through the house. But her father was a portrait photographer who worked out of his family's small apartment, and her mom was an illiterate child-bride, so my mom relied on scholarships just to get through school.

It was through the church that my parents found an outlet for their love of music. They both became Christians in high school, and singing hymns was the perfect way for their hearts to express the musical joy that they had always felt. And when my sister and I came along, my parents made it a priority to buy a piano and find us piano teachers.

Today, I'm a piano teacher and music teacher. If not for my music teachers when I was young, I may not have had the chance to develop my skills. And I think often of my parents as children, and other children who are in situations like theirs. When I see my children (or anyone else's children) sing and dance on stage and I see the pure joy and the free innocence on their faces, my eyes always fill with tears. I know that this is what heaven will be like. And I want to give ALL children that bit of heaven on earth.

Music and the arts may not be the most practical skill, but I have learned from our "Covid" season that though we may look to science and medicine to heal our bodies, we must look to the arts to heal our souls. Music is one of the signs that we are more than robots and machinery; simply putting food in us and fighting off disease is not enough to keep humans alive–we need beauty to thrive! More than that, God gave us the wondrous gift of music, and music is a gift we can give back to God! The Bible is full of verses that say "sing to the Lord" and "make music to the Lord"!

So think of ways that you can grow the next generation of artists and musicians. You don't need to be an award-winning professional. You just need to have the love and the desire to pass on this love. Support the arts by attending youth events or donating to non-profits like Christian Youth Theater (shameless plug here: CYT Tri-valley). Ask the young painters, singers, writers, and dancers in your life about what they do. Remember, the arts are more than extracurricular or "just a hobby" or steps towards a job or career. Music and the arts are essential to our beings; they are food and medicine for our souls!

Though this is not my home...

I apologize for not having written since... June?! Has it been that long?!

If it helps at all, I started a post in July, then put it on hold. AND I've been using my quarantine time to finish my new book, which I hope will be available to you al before the end of the year!

Other projects I've been doing during this time are:

-making cards for residents at the nearby assisted living facility

-trying new recipes, like ube ice cream (yum!)

-doing crafts with the kids

-reading stories to the kids and teaching my five-year-old to read

And just yesterday, I decided to landscape the front yard.

Now, those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that my family rent our home, and over the years, I've always had to tell myself, "Don't get too attached. You'll only be here for a few years."

This was partly for my own good. When I first got married, after having moved from house to house all my life, I dreamed of buying a home and living in it until I died. When our attempts to purchase a house failed several times, I had to let that dream go. God taught me that my home is not found in a location, but in the people in my life–my husband, my children, my friends, and my church.

But the down side of a "temporary" home is that I didn't want to invest in anything long term.

"Should I start a garden? Nah, we might have to move in the summer."

We always knew that the owners of this house plan to move in some day. When they deiced to chop down the only tree in the front yard, there wasn't anything I could do abut it. When the sprinkler system broke and the lawn died, I just thought, "Oh well." Every summer, when the lease-end date approached, I found it harder and harder to put my energy into the house.

Then this year, the owners gave us a two-year lease. And maybe it's because I'm feeling listless for the lock-down, or maybe I just grew tired of looking at my dead lawn, but I decided to beautify the front of the house. Even with only a few pots of fruit trees and bright flowers and several bags of mulch, I was able to make my brown yard into something colorful, cheery, and life-giving.

And here's the lesson I learned as I stepped back to look at the beautiful greenery:

Just because a home is temporary doesn't mean I shouldn't care. It's easier to be apathetic and do nothing, but I can add to the beauty, no matter where I am.

And that goes for my temporary home on earth too. There are days (especially in recent months) when I just want to say, "I don't care anymore." I know that life here is short and something better awaits for me. So why try to fix anything here on earth?

But God wants us to be His hands and feet here. He wants us to bring beauty and light to the world, though sometimes we would rather hide for the darkness. Even if I live to be 101, I want to always be doing what I can to share God's love and joy with others.

How can you add to the beauty today?

On Being the Older Woman

Ten years ago, when my family first started attending Valley Bible Church, I was in awe of the women I met there. It seemed like every woman I talked to was welcoming, beautiful, joyful, kind, and gracious. Some were homeschooling moms with four or more children. Some were grandmothers. But no matter what stage of life they were in, these women were strong yet humble leaders in the church, working together to serve the youth, missions, children's ministry, and events. I didn't sense that there was a pecking order; the church did not feel like a social club. (Isn't it sad that I even had to write that, because there are churches out there like that?)

At the time, I had just turned thirty, and was still trying to figure out life with three children, ages five and under. I struggled with my sense of self and with my security in God's peace and love. And after six years of serving in a church plant with mostly other twenty-somethings, I was hungry for wisdom from older women. 

These women have not let me down–they are the real deal–and they have been my role models for the past ten years (whether they knew it or not). Through conversations, Bible studies, and serving alongside the older women, I have grown immensely. They have taught me about true beauty, one that flows out from the Spirit living inside. They have taught me about interdependence and living in community. They have taught me about being a good wife and mother and what it means to be a daughter of God.

I realized recently, when I turned forty, that I am now the "older" woman that the younger women in my church might look up to. I pray I am just as gracious, kind, joyful, and humble as my role models. And this year, I will be speaking three times at my church, on three different subjects. Marriage, parenting, and hospitality are all things that I had been studying these past ten years and have become passionate about. Never would I have imagined that I would be ask to speak on them! I am looking forward to sharing what I know, and I hope to do a good job! 

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior… They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women…  ~Titus 2:3-4

Almost-40 Me

My sister just shared a photo from Easter on Facebook. It is a picture of me with my two siblings, and every time I look at it, I cringe a little. Maybe it was the lighting, or maybe it was the angle, but either way, I look…well…chubby. Chubby and haggard.

I don't care that it had only been four weeks since I gave birth and I was completely sleep-deprived. Or that I had just eaten more than I should have. It wasn't me in the picture, not the me that I'm used to seeing.

But this is me. This is the hair-thinning, black-graying, eyes-wrinkling, almost-40 mother-of-eight me.

You'd think I'd be more mature and less shallow at my age. You'd think I'd be more wise. Actually, I don't mind getting older. It's aging that I don't like.

But let's think about this! I wouldn't expect my newborn to stay a newborn. Or my 14-year-old to stop maturing. We all change with time, and growth is always a good thing, isn't it?

For every white hair on my head, there is a lesson learned. For every laugh line on my face, a memory of a joyful moment. For every shadow under my eyes, a hug and kiss to comfort a child. For every extra pound on my body, I can count multiple blessings from God. 

So what if I'm a little wider than I used to be?

I have grown so much in the past decade. I can say without hesitation that I prefer the 39-year-old Me to the 19-year-old or 29-year-old Me. The person I am today is less fearful, less self-centered, and less impatient than before. I am now more gracious, more kind, more humble, and more sympathetic.

And I know I still have a ways to go. So if gaining more wisdom means maybe gaining a few more pounds and wrinkles, then I don't mind so much. It's time to accept this and move on, and spend less of my time and focus on my physical appearance, and more on my spiritual development. Then someday, when I look in the mirror and see a new version of Me, I'll to be able to say, "I like the 49-year-old Me even more than the 39-year-old Me!"

Introducing… Wenyu!

Of all my blogger friends, Wenyu Zhang is the one I've met most recently. I still remember my first conversation with him. It was a Sunday, and we were standing in the hall after our morning church service. I started with the usual questions like, "Are you new to the area?" but he quickly skipped over the small talk and jumped right into culture, faith, and his desire to minister to immigrant Chinese Christians in the area. His enthusiasm and passion were contagious!

I soon learned that Wenyu is enthusiastic and passionate about all things in life, but most especially about his family, cooking, travel, and art. And his wife and daughter share the same enthusiasm! Whenever I am with the Zhang family, I find myself drawn into fun or thought-provoking conversations.

Which is why I was super-excited when Wenyu started a blog last October! Wander, Savor, Marvel is the perfect blend of all that Wenyu enjoys the most: if features photos from trips his family took, and includes recipes of new foods that they tried on their voyages. The blog is still in its infancy, but it's worth checking out. The photos will take your breath away (or make your mouth water!)

And now, without further ado, the interview. Meet my friend Wenyu!

1) Tell us a little about you and your family.
I was born and raised in mainland China, moved to the States for graduate school in my early twenties, and have lived here ever since. I am a chemist by trade, and like cooking, traveling, watching movies, and playing a little volleyball in my spare time.

I met a wonderful woman back in college, and have been married to her for more than 12 years. We have a 9-year-old daughter who is very sweet and enjoys everything we do together as a family.

2) What do you love most about traveling and exploring?
There is always something unexpected and exciting about a new place we go to, even if it's just the hill 5 miles from where we live. We like to dig a little deeper into the places we go to–geological features, local history, how people live their lives differently, etc. I came to realize that my perception and understanding of the world I live in are so limited. It is always eye-opening and humbling.

3) What do you love most about cooking?
Cooking relaxes me, and yields something that I can enjoy together with my family. My wife is an amazing cook, which means 1) I don't have to cook very often so it's really not a chore, and 2) even if I mess up, she will be able to use her magic to either fix it or whip up something quickly, so no pressure for me! With that stress-free mentality I get to enjoy the luxury of playing with some new materials or methods and try something on the complicated side. This satisfies my chemist side as well, since cooking essentially is a process of conducting chemical transformations on foods, and you get to eat the product of these reactions!

Lately, cooking has allowed me to spend some quality time with my daughter, as she is not only the #1 fan of Daddy's food, but also old enough and interested enough to be a really good helper.

Also, cooking is part of a culture. We are fascinated by the variety of cuisine there is, and how each vividly reflects people's life in different paces. We are adventurous and curious eaters who are open to that wide variety of food, and always try to replicate it in our kitchen.

4) What have you learned about God in your travels?
I learn so much. The wonder of God's creation unfolds through our travels. When it comes to nature, I marvel at His power that shaped that planet for us to live on, with the astonishingly wide array of geological and biological environments. Then there is history and culture, which directly points to the wisdom He has bestowed upon the human race. Finally, our inherent desire to discover and appreciate beauty enriches our lives, which is also a gift from God.

5) What have you learned about being a husband and father through your travels?
Traveling really helps me cherish my family. When we travel, we spend time with each other 24/7, and I find great joy in it. It reminds me that I need to mindfully prioritize family time on my to-do list. Sometimes, I even plan separate trips with just my wife or just my daughter. Each of these trips is a precious and unique memory.

Our destinations as well as the topic during our travels help us think about what our family value is. Since I usually get to make the travel plans, I have the privilege to set the tone for the family. God has been using the travels to remind me that joy instead of pleasure is worth pursuing.

Any fun tips for other amateur photographers, explorers, chefs, and bloggers?
Involving the entire family makes everything more fun and meaningful. If you want to make the most out of your hobbies, you may want to position them as family activities instead of just hobbies. Then maybe share the joy with people around you; it will multiply.

And there is always room to be creative, which can make these activities even more fun. Recently our family started something called "one-word" photography. We try to find unusual scenes during our travels, capture them in photos, and then use our imagination to give each of them a one-word title. The first photo was taken at the train station in Nottingham, UK, where the exterior of its parking structure was decorated with vertical panels of various colors. We called the photo "keys" as it looked like the keyboard on a piano.

Wenyu, thank you so much for taking the time to share about yourself! And again, feel free to check out his blog, Wander, Savor, Marvel. I can't wait to see more of Wenyu's photos, recipes, and writings!

Introducing… Dorcas!

Many years ago, I was a lonely ten-year-old whose family had just moved from New York to California. I soon met my first friend, a joyful, spunky, enthusiastic girl named Dorcas. She was a year younger than me and we had much in common– Chinese parents who were devoted Christians, a home in the suburbs, weekends spent at piano lessons and church gatherings.

A few years passed, and as life changes came our way, it seemed that Dorcas and I no longer had as much in common. Sadly, Dorcas's father passed away from liver failure when she was only 14-years-old. Dorcas went on to attend Stanford University, then married her college sweetheart, who was an engineer/entrepreneur and the cofounder and CEO of d.light, the maker of solar-powered, rechargeable, LED lanterns (check them out at www.dlight.com). Now Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, she and her husband lived internationally before settling back in California to raise their two children.

Somewhere along the way, Dorcas and I reconnected on Facebook, and that was when I discovered that Dorcas was an amazing writer! With a humble, honest, beautiful, clear voice, Dorcas shared on her blog about her faith, her life as wife and mom, and her time being a Chinese-American living in China. As I read about her unique and sometimes challenging life experiences, I found myself laughing, sighing, and sympathizing with her, and our lives once again shared a commonality– one that went beyond our young, junior high, suburban lives. Now, with her talent for writing about culture, Christian faith, and the world of small-business start-ups, she is a regular contributor for Inc.com, Christianity Today, The Well, and Asian American Women on Leadership. 

Then, almost a year ago, Dorcas made an exciting announcement! A publisher was interested in her book proposal, and she had signed a contract to write a book on start-ups and family life! And all while expecting her second child! Knowing that she was one busy mama, I hesitated to ask her for an interview, but I also knew that she had such wisdom and insights to share. So I contacted her, and she kindly found the time to answer a few questions for me. Read on (and find out where you can pick up a copy of her book!)

1) Tell us about yourself.

I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, but I have also had the privilege of living in mainland China, Hong Kong, and Kenya. My husband, Ned, and I are college sweethearts who have been married for more than twelve years. We have two adorable boys who have the wonderfully unusual combination of being part Chinese, part Turkish, and part Jewish.

For the first decade of my professional career, I worked in the nonprofit sector, supporting a number of different programs and policies to empower underserved communities. But I always loved writing and found excuses to write in my jobs, whether it was writing reports, proposals, or newsletters. When my first son was born five years ago, it seemed like as good a time as any to try pursuing writing full-time. It’s been a wild, unpredictable ride, and I have loved it.

2) What passions drive you in your writing?

I firmly believe that powerful stories can transform us on a very deep level. I am especially passionate about telling true stories that delve into the messiness of human existence—the awful, the beautiful, and the profound. It is from these stories that I think we can learn the most about who we are, what connects us as fellow human beings, and how God is redeeming each of us day by day.

3) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a wife?

Being a wife has taught me the importance of prioritizing my husband’s flourishing, even when it has been costly for me. Ned has a vocational calling that is extremely demanding, and the entire family has had to sacrifice significantly to support him. 

It has been far too easy for me to grow resentful of these sacrifices without acknowledging that Ned’s flourishing is directly linked to my own. As he has grown in his leadership through his business, he has become a more mature and supportive husband and father. He sees what I have given up for him and is that much more willing to sacrifice for me. Ned has been the greatest supporter of my writing career, even though it’s probably one of the least stable careers I could pursue.

4) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a mother?

In a single word: grace. Grace for myself, as I see all my flaws and imperfections emerging through the daily toil of managing sleep deprivation, tantrums, and adorable little people who have a mind of their own. I have learned far more about my limitations than my abilities after becoming a mom, which has pushed me to be more humble and to be more willing to ask for help. 

Grace for my sons, of course, who are trying to find their own way and establish their own identities in this world. Grace for my husband, who is a fantastic dad, even though his time with the family is limited. 

And grace for all the other moms out there, who are juggling kids and housework and vocation and community service and more. None of us are doing it perfectly, but we’re all trying our best, and we deserve to be acknowledged for our efforts.

5) What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned as a daughter of the King?

Like many kids of Asian immigrant parents, I’ve struggled for years with striving, achievement, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. Over the past decade or so, God has been slowly unraveling the false idea that I am only as good or valuable as what I can accomplish. He has been teaching me that my worth is in my identity as his beloved—just as the worth of every other individual is as his beloved as well. 

While this is a lesson that I am still very much in the middle of learning, in recent years I have felt far greater freedom to take risks, to try new things, and to be (somewhat) okay with failing. My life is so much richer when I am less burdened by the need to prove myself or earn others’ approval. I can instead lean into the unpredictable adventure that God has me and my family on.

6)  What is the best way for readers to get a hold of your book?

As of November 7, my first book, entitled Start, Love, Repeat: How to Stay in Love with Your Entrepreneur in a Crazy Start-up World (Hachette Center Street), will be available wherever books are sold! You can get the hardcover version, e-book, or audio book through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online retailers. Hopefully you’ll also be able to find it in your local bookstore.

As you can imagine, this book was inspired by my real-life experience. My hope is that this will be a helpful, practical guidebook for couples that are struggling to balance marriage and family with growing a business. And it’ll also tell you a lot more about the life lessons I’ve learned as the wife of an entrepreneur.

To read an excerpt from Dorcas's book, or to read Dorcas's other published works, visit her website, www.chengtozun.com. And thank you so much, Dorcas, for taking the time to answer my questions! Congratulations on your new publishing venture!

(lyric from 'Add to the Beauty' by Sara Groves)

The Real Reason Why My House is a Mess

It was 5pm. The children were playing outside. The baby was content. It was time to get in the kitchen and start dinner.

I had fully intended to leave the baby with his eldest sister, but as I lay him on the couch, he flashed a huge smile at me before I could turn away. 

Too late. My insides melted.

I turned again to leave, but he flashed his gummy smile once more. Suddenly, I was on my knees making goofy faces back at him.

Then he began talking in his little baby language, and I knew I was his captive. I could do nothing but kiss his soft cheeks over and over and laugh as he enthusiastically flapped his arms and kicked his legs like an Olympic swimmer. After a lengthy conversation of 'goo's and 'ah's, I swept up the baby in my arms again.  

What's the use? I can't fight it. I'm completely in love with this little boy.

So next time you come to my house and it looks like I haven't cleaned, washed, or cooked anything, remember, I have a valid excuse: I had a baby recently. 

And I just can't stop cuddling him.

Simple Pleasures

Give me the endless pastures

And lazy rolling hills

Give me the dreamy clouds above

In a blue so vast and still

Give me the trees' cool shadows

A stained glass room made of leaves

Give me the flowers' dances

A joyous waltz in the breeze

Give me the birds' sweet voices

Their chorus filling the skies

Give me the stars and fireflies

Their light filling my eyes

Give me your hand to hold

And your heart close to my own

Thank God for simple pleasures

His love and mercy made known

All that I have is borrowed

I can't call them my own

Thank God for simple pleasures

His love and mercy made known

A Masterpiece

Today, my baby is six weeks old. Some parents never get to hold their baby at this age. I thank God that I do.

Despite the busyness of my day, I find myself stopping to revel in this little person. Of course, there's the cuteness factor, but it's so much more than that. It is knowing that I somehow participated in bringing forth this brand new person into the world, that without me, he wouldn't be here. But at the same time, saying that I helped in the creation of this masterpiece is like saying that I helped paint the Sistine Chapel when all I really did was clean the brushes.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. ~Ephesians 2:10

My children are works of art. They are walking, breathing, talking masterpieces, one-of-a-kind creations of an amazing Artist. And so am I, as are you. Remember that as you go about your day today.

You are a masterpiece!

Witnessing a Miracle

Here he is! Our little boy was born yesterday morning in our bedroom! It was my first experience doing a home birth (I had always wanted to do one, but it didn't work out until now) and it was all truly amazing. Being in my home, surrounded by my children, my husband, my mom, and my in-laws for most of the laboring process, I felt so much peace, joy, and love. This was my easiest birth ever (still painful, of course) and I know that being at home had much to do with it.

But here is something I find to be even more amazing: this person I am now holding in my arms. Though I've had nearly nine months to ponder his growth and formation inside me, I still stand in awe of the fact that a complicated, beautiful, living being came out of my womb. If I had given birth to a clock, or an iPhone, we would all shake our heads and wonder how that came to be. (and I would be the newest Internet sensation, no doubt!) But no, I have given birth to something even more complex and incredible than a clock or iPhone, and moreover, he is alive, with a soul and a personality and a will. He is a miracle, like my five other miracles, like the million other miracles being born today.

I'm going to get some rest now. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm still adjusting to having a newborn again. And it takes me longer to type with one hand…

The Immeasurableness of God

Do you ever wonder why God would create such a gigantic universe, then put such tiny people in it? Why did He make stars that are hundred of millions of miles in radius, then place them hundred of millions miles away from us, just so we could see a tiny dot of light in the night sky? Seems like a waste.

But as I stood at the base of Yosemite Falls yesterday, looking up at the hundreds of millions of water droplets sky-diving in slow motion, 'wasteful' wasn't the word that came to my mind. Neither was 'insignificant'. I was in the presence of something greater than myself, and it filled me with a sense of awe for the Creator and the beauty of His creation. Maybe that's why He created waterfalls, mountains, oceans, forests, deserts, and a universe of immense proportions-- for our enjoyment, and for us never to forget to be in awe. 

Though mankind's dream is to someday "know" all the mysteries of the universe, I hope we never discover all that the ocean is hiding. That way, I can always gaze upon the endless waves and gain from them an understanding of the depth of God's love and mercy. And though we try to harness the power of falling water, and try to capture it's wonder in images and words, there will never be anything like standing in a waterfall's cloud of mist and listening to the deafening roar of water hitting rock, and thinking about God's strength, power, and beauty. And I know that we will never chart all the stars and planets in the universe, and that is fine with me, because I also know that I will never be able to fully comprehend the sheer size and magnitude of God. I will always and forever be in awe of the God who created this amazing world, the One who is holding it all together. 

Tea and Love

Usually I write something about love and marriage on Valentine's Day, but I've  been a little busy. Yesterday was my husband's birthday and the women's ministry Valentine's Tea, so I had a day of serving and being served. And now that the tea is over, I am excited to share with you what we talked about!!

And I say 'we' because (did I forget to mention this?) my mother-in-law and I did the talk together. This was particularly challenging for me, not to be able to do everything my way, at my speed, in my style, but I think it was a wonderful project for us to do together. If nothing else, this tea has strengthened my relationship with my mother-in-law.

And now… for the talk! I've adapted it so it doesn't read like a script between two people. The topic given to us was LOVE.

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My husband's parents had been praying for his wife since his day of birth, 38 years ago yesterday. They loved me from the start, but my mother-in-law and I recognized immediately that we were very different women. She's American, I'm Chinese. She likes pastels, collects teapots and teacups, loves crystal and lace. I go for stronger colors like purple and red, and I prefer pottery, wooden crafts, and rustic antiques. She cooks the classics, I'm always trying new recipes from all sources. She likes tea parties, I don't. 

These may be little differences, but when I moved in with my in-laws in 2009 (after my husband lost his job), the little differences became BIG differences. At first, our communication styles, assumptions, and expectations were more different than we anticipated and we had some rough patches, but we learned. We learned that our mutual love and worship for God gave us a foundation on which to build. We learned to communicate and respect each other. We learned to talk and forgive. And for me, the greatest lesson was learning to truly see my mother-in-law, and realizing that we are two different people. Instead of comparing myself to her, and her to me, I stopped comparing. I looked for our individual strengths, and found ways we can complement, rather than compete with, each other. We each showed love in our own way, and there is nothing wrong with that! That is God's design from the start!

And now, we speak to you, whatever your age and background, to encourage you and remind you that you are wonderfully made by your Creator to be a vessel of his Love, though you are ALL different. Just looking around the room, you can see the various different styles of teasets, and the amazing different centerpieces on each table (each designed by the hostess of that table). Now look at the diversity of women in the room. If each and every woman had a table, or at least a teaset that reflects her personality, not a single one would be the same. Fancy or plain, classic or modern, dainty or sturdy… you would all be beautiful and lovely in your own way, because you all have beautiful, God-given talents. And with these talents, you show love in your own way. As Paul writes in I Corinthians 13, love has many characteristics. We strive to reflect all the characteristics of love, but in our different ways; for example:

Love is patient- getting the fifth glass of water for your child, or doing an errand for someone after you finished your errands

Love is kind- bringing a meal to a family, visiting the sick or elderly, babysitting for someone, sending an encouraging card

Love does not envy- being content with what God has given you, not comparing yourself to others

Love does not boast- being humble, saying "I'm sorry" or "I need help?"

Love is not rude- biting your tongue and responding gently rather than sarcastically

Love is not self-seeking- caring for your aging parents, going out of your way to serve a coworker, or rather than wallow in self-pity, you take your pain to help others going through a similar pain

Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs- when you forgive a family member again and again

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth- not taking part in gossip

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, love never fails- not complaining about a family member to a girlfriend, thinking better of people and praying that they will change, never giving up on someone even though he or she has hurt you many times

The difficulty for us women is that many of us see ourselves as broken or unlovely. When we look in the mirror, we don't see a beautiful teacup, but something more like a mug, or maybe even a paper cup to be tossed in the garbage. Know that we are definitely not paper cups, but whether we are teacup or a mug, we are still designed and created by a Creator who loves us. He is the One who fixes us when were are cracked and broken, and He is the one who fills us with love. Paul writes in Romans 5, Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand, and we boast in the hope of the glory of God... and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. When we have faith in God, we are filled with His hope and we grow in His love until we overflow. Then we are no longer a teacup or mug, but a teapot that can pour into other people's 'cups'. But in order to do this, we have to be willing and available (not fashionable, eloquent, or outgoing). We can't sit empty on a shelf and collect dust.

We close with these words from I John chapter 4: We love because God first loved us. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

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My husband told me over his birthday dinner last night (we went to Demitri's Taverna in downtown Livermore… scrumptious Greek food!) that he has been praying for more opportunities for me to share with women. Neither of us had this in mind, but I am glad God answered my husband's prayer, and I am glad He did it this way! Speaking to a room of over one hundred women, ages twenty to ninety, from all walks of life… I wouldn't mind doing it again, if I had the chance and the perfect topic (though I still feel that I am more eloquent in writing than in speech). Several women came up to me to thank me this morning after the church service. Some had invited their moms to the tea, and most of the feedback I heard was that many were encouraged in their relationships with their moms, daughters, mother-in-law, and daughters-in-law. I know that this wouldn't have been possible if I had given the talk by myself. There were also a few women who shared with me that they are a 'mug' (like me) and didn't feel completely comfortable at a 'tea party', which encourages me to know that there are women in the church who attend functions to be with their church family, rather than to enjoy themselves. 

There was a moment during the talk when I started tearing up. I blamed my pregnancy hormones, but at the time, I didn't really know why I was crying. Now I do. It was because from where I sat on the stage, I had the best view of all the women in the room. And they were indeed beautiful. I was so blessed by this day, and I praise God that all in all, the tea and Valentine's Day was a success!

Update on Sarah and Charlie

If you read my post on Sarah and Charlie from October 2013, you would be glad to know that the couple and their two children are doing well, though Sarah is still fighting symptoms and not yet fully recovered. And, due to septic shock in her body, most of her hair has fallen out.

But they are still grateful for life, thankful for friends and family, and they continue to acknowledge God's hand on them. Even if it means Sarah has to shave half her head, and may have to shave it all. She knows that her beauty does not come from her hair, or her figure, or even her smile. It comes from the beauty of her Christ, which radiates through her.

If you want to see how beautiful Sarah looks, click on Charlie's Blog for the most recent photo of her. You'll see what I mean when I say "She's gorgeous!!!"

Ordinary No More (Part 1 of 3)

I spent most of my life trying to be ordinary.

In junior high, I didn't want to get 'free' lunches because nobody else did. As soon as I could, I started bringing my own squishy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When girls hair-sprayed their bangs to stand at least two inches above their heads, I did the same. When 'pegging' your pants was in, I did that too. (This was the 80's; we did some strange things.) I wished I lived in a big, beautiful house like my friends, and had parents with ordinary jobs like my friends' parents. If I could have become Caucasian, I would have too.

In high school, I still tried my best to blend in. I switched to contact lenses and started wearing make-up. When none of my friends wanted to join the choir, I almost joined the marching band just to be with them. I thought about taking French instead of music theory, again because all my friends were in that class. I didn't speak up in class, and shared as little information about myself as I could. I didn't talk about going to church or Chinese class or playing the piano.

Ordinary. That's all I wanted.

But God never allowed me to settle for that.

My hair, first of all, would never allow me to be ordinary. As much as I wished for beautiful, shiny straight hair or wonderful, gorgeous, wavy hair, my hair did its own thing. It was (and still is) big, puffy, dark, and crazy. (One little girl once told me that I have 'angry' hair). Then there were the hand-me-down clothes. With a closet full of out-dated and mismatched clothes, I was forced to be creative. And being a pastor's kid, though there were times when I hated it, meant I couldn't hide; I was required to be a leader and role model, even at an early age. I did end up joining the choir and never looked back, and excelled in music theory. If it weren't for those classes, I would have never become a music major in college. 

All of this lead us to this very moment, where at the age of thirty-five, I can say "I will be ordinary no more!" I can forget my childhood insecurities. There is no shame in my hair, or my strange sense of style. I don't need to be afraid of people's opinions of me and allow them to prevent me from meeting new people or inviting them to my humble home. When people comment (no matter how insensitively) on my five children (because four is okay, but for some reason, five is a lot), I can smile and say, "Each and every one is a blessing to me." When they question me on homeschooling, I can speak with confidence on what God has called to me to do. And when the Spirit prompts me to take a leadership role, I can say "Yes!" I am learning to love the person God calls me to be!

God doesn't want us to be ordinary. He wants to make us extraordinary. And whatever that may look like for you, don't settle for blending in when God wants you to SHINE!


(Click here to read Part 2, Embracing Extraordinary, or here to read Part 3, Extraordinary Examples)

Breaking Fast

Some of you know that on January 1st, 2013, I began a twelve-month fast from buying clothes, shoes, jewelry, or make-up for myself. I knew that I had enough of those things, and that I shopped not for need, but for fulfillment. 

I found that as the months passed, it became easier to not think about shopping. Ads quickly went in the recycle bin or junk box of my e-mail. Whenever I looked through my closet and felt like "I have nothing to wear," I dug a little deeper to find a shirt or dress that I hadn't worn in a while, discovering new combinations or jazzing up an old outfit with a different scarf, hat, or jacket. The more I did this, the more time I spent on being creative and focusing on inner beauty, and the less time I spent at the stores or on the Internet, or worrying about impressing people with my outer appearance.

And more importantly, my fast taught me gratefulness at a deeper level. It's all too easy to go out and buy something for yourself when you want it. Instant gratification is now a click away with amazon.com. Consumerism lives down the street from my house at the outlet mall. But when you receive the item as a gift (even if it's not exactly what you wanted), you know it is a blessing because someone else was thinking of you. A pair of gray pants that didn't fit my friend has become a favorite dressy item for me. My sister has given me several of her old dresses and shirts, which I appreciate because she has a wonderful sense of style. My husband bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday, and I love giving him the credit for it whenever someone compliments me. 

And now the day of breaking fast is approaching. Part of me wants to go out on New Year's Day and hit the sales, and part of me says, "There's no need, no rush… the clothes will still be there." Even after a year, I still don't have a real need for clothes. Two of my favorite pairs of jeans now have holes in the knees, but come spring and summer, I won't mind the air-conditioning. There are several weddings in 2014, but I attended two weddings this past year and had a lovely and suitable outfit for each of them. And when I finally need new pants, I think I'll visit the local thrift store to hunt for some used treasures. Just because 2013 will be over, it doesn't mean I should jump back into my old habits. I want to continue to cultivate my thriftiness, my gratefulness, and my dependency on God.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…" (Lamentations 3:22-23)"

There is never a bad day to make a change in your life. Whatever you feel is keeping you from growing in Christ, choose the new year to conquer that beast forever. And may 2014 be a wonderful year of hope, joy, and peace for you!

To read more about my year's journey, read my post from July 1st, My Twelve-Month Fast.