Surprises From God

I'll cut to the chase. We're expecting Baby #9 in October.

When I had my first prenatal appointment, the doctor asked what is now a routine question, "Was this a planned pregnancy?"

I said, "No, not exactly."

"And you plan to keep this baby?"

"Yes," I answered, when what I really wanted to say was, "HECK YES!" (pardon my language)

Before the baby was bigger than a grape, before we found out if the baby is a boy or a girl (it's a girl!), before I ever saw her wiggling on the ultrasound, I cared for this human.

My husband and I were not expecting another child. After all, I'm 44 years-old. My youngest is now 5. I had become really good at tracking my ovulation cycle, and then...

God surprised us.

And this all happened RIGHT BEFORE the opening of my musical. Not the best timing.

And yet, it was my musical that helped me wrap my head (and heart) around this surprise.

I didn't expect to get pregnant, just as I didn't expect to write a musical. And if I saw Five Children and It as a gift from God, entrusted to me to bring to fruition and share with the world, how much more can this child be a gift?! God surprised me with 3+ years of working on a musical, and if I said "No" to him at the start, I would have never experienced the joy that the musical brought me. And that is how I see this child. There will be years of work involved, but the joys will outshine the work.

Children, ALL children, are a gift. It sounds clichéd, but I must say it, because I hear parents, Christians and non-Christians alike, complain about their children. Some people (Christians and non-Christians alike) think I'm crazy to have nine children. They see children as a chore and an inconvenience. I admit that in my younger years, I would have been whining to God at this point, "How am I going to handle another one? When will I have time to do the things I want to do?" 

But children are people, and we need to fight the urge to think of the people in our lives as "inconveniences." Let us love as God loves us; we are God's children, and we are NEVER an inconvenience to Him. 

Not Planned, Not a Surprise

Imagine this: your boss comes to you one day and tells you,

"You've been doing an excellent job! I think you're ready for more. So I'm bringing in a new person to your department. He doesn't know anything about our company, but I know you'll do a great job training him. You're probably going to have to work more hours for the same pay, but you're the best person for the job. I have faith in you."

What are you thinking at this point? More hours?! A new guy?! More responsibilities?! Same pay?! I can't do this!

That's close to how I felt when I found out I was pregnant. Only, of course, I don't get paid. And honestly, I don't mind a little extra work. I just wish I feel as confident about my mothering skills as my Boss does.

It's helped that many people around me are excited about the new addition to the Baird family. They tell me what they see of my family, and they reassure me that I will handle seven children just as well as I am handling six. To all of them, I say, "Thank you for your encouragement! Your confidence in me is starting to rub off."

Then there are a few people who don't quite know what to say, except, "Was this a surprise? Or do you plan to have more?!"

I still haven't thought of the best, quick way to answer that.

In our present American culture, babies fall into two categories: planned or surprise. It doesn't make sense to leave something like the number of children one will bear up to "chance", not when there are drugs, surgeries, and other methods to prevent pregnancy.

But this is what I've observed, and this is what I know: children are not a result of "chance". I have friends who cannot get pregnant. I have friends who have sadly experienced multiple miscarriages. Many people who "plan" to have a certain number of children at a certain age find that they cannot fulfill this plan. Which means that ALL babies, either expected or unexpected, are a gift from God, a person that God has purposed, a new life that He has entrusted to two people.

And so, though our baby #7 was not planned, neither was he a surprise. God has blessed me with a body that can carry babies well. And he has called me (as I've come to realize with this child) to this special mission field. Some fly to Africa to spread the Gospel, some go into the inner cities; I am at home, training the next generation of Kingdom Builders. And here's the best part: he has equipped me with all I need to fulfill my tasks. He's not a Boss who sits in a  nice suit, in a fancy office, and just observes; He gets in there with His workers, into the sweat and muck. I feel confident in my job because I have complete confidence in Him.

It took me a long time to gather my thoughts together for this post. I am now 21 weeks along. We find out today if the baby is a little boy or a little girl (the tie-breaker!). I pray that all will continue to go well during these last four months, so that I can say that, by the grace of God, I've given birth to seven children and have never experienced a miscarriage.

Seven blessings from God. All by God's grace. Hallelujah!

Back to Ninevah

A year and a half ago, my friend Flo told me that one can buy ovulation tests in bulk. I was just about to place an order, when I found out that I was already pregnant.

Jump to present day. I'm starting to slowly weaning the baby, which means, my body will soon say, "You're ready for another one!" I looked into buying ovulation tests again, and would you believe it? Of all places, the Dollar Tree has some.

I was a little nervous buying ovulation tests from a dollar store, but I thought I'd give them a try. I went with a friend (telling her that I have a quick but strange errand to run) and bought five. But my friend could not understand why I was buying them.

"Are you trying to have another baby?" she asked.

"No, these will tell me when I'm ovulating, so I can avoid getting pregnant."

"I don't mean to be nosy, but why don't you just use the normal methods of birth control?"

And then, I balked.  (that's a baseball term; basically, it means I didn't go through with it). I told her that I don't like putting strange things into my body, we don't want to do anything permanent, and that methods of 'birth control' are not 100% guaranteed. I went on and on, but I couldn't say the words, "Because we want to trust God."

And I came face to face with the fact that I do not completely trust God in this area. I thought that, having thought about it, prayed about it, talked about it, and written about it, I did. But there is still fear in me that with my last ten or so years of fertility, I will have five more children. And the fear that, though I feel done after a decade of bearing and nursing children, God will say, "No, you're not." When it seems that suddenly everyone around me is getting pregnant, and then my husband tells me that he had a dream about our sixth child, I tense up and wonder and worry.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday, for peace of mind. No, I'm not pregnant. But I feel like a cheater, a faker, a cop-out, for not trusting God. I still believe with all my heart that we are doing the right thing. Now I want to believe with all my heart that He is doing the right thing.

Planning Not to Plan (Part 2 of 2)

Before I was married, I never had to think about birth control. It was a simple idea: don't have sex, don't get pregnant.

But as my wedding day approached, I knew I had some choices to make. My husband and I wanted children, but we thought it would be wise to wait a few years, after we've saved up money from my teaching job. I started looking into birth control.

The first thing I learned is that the term 'birth control' is a misnomer. Though many methods are more than 90% effective, there is still the chance that a woman will become pregnant. The idea that we can control when life begins is a false hope.

The second thing was that some of the most popular methods involve putting foreign substances or objects into your body, with possible harmful side affects. Some methods are even abortive. I knew right away that I didn't want any of that.

Then, at a party, my husband bumped into a college friend. The two started chatting about work, and she shared that she was working with a Christian pregnancy support organization, and that she and her husband had learned a natural method of birth control.

This was the first time I had even heard of such a thing. It had never seemed like an option, not with all the new products and modern methods out there. But the more I listened, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. God never makes mistakes, and He made women's bodies to function a certain way. His design was that a woman can become pregnant only during a short window every month. A husband and wife simply needed to avoid intercourse during that window.

I was very excited. Months before my wedding, I ordered a book and started learning about my body. The bodily signals were easy to learn, and I was soon an expert in my monthly rhythm. Besides being a preparation for my marriage, what I learned gave me a new respect for the body that God had created, because I finally understood what was going on inside me. I shared the information with my soon-to-be husband, and we discussed it together. We knew that this was in alignment with God's Word, making it the best choice for us. We also knew that this was a step of faith for us. By essentially 'planning not to plan', we were giving up 'control.'

There were some people who smirked when they heard about our choice in birth control. Those same people were able to say "I told you so" when I became pregnant four months after our wedding. Then when my son was five months old, I became pregnant again, though I was breast feeding. People started to joke about our rabbit-like characteristics, especially when I had another baby twenty-four months after my second. And every time, the question was, "Did you plan this?" I began to hate that question, because although the baby did not come in my timing, I knew it was all in God's plan, and He knew what was best. And I began to hate hearing people say a baby was an 'oops!', because no baby is a mistake, and no one should grow up thinking that he is an 'oops' and unwanted by his parents.

Looking back, I can see that there was a period of time when my husband and I felt emotionally alone, though we had supportive friends and family. We didn't feel financially or emotionally ready to become parents, all normal thoughts for first-time parents, but on top of that, we were nervous and afraid because we started doubting our choice. We lost sight of God's sovereignty and goodness. We wondered if we could care for these fragile new lives. And we desperately longed to shut out the voices that said, "You've made a mistake", clinging instead to the words of encouragement from the few people who understood what we were going through.

What helped us through that time was the Truth: all good gifts were from God, and that we needed to rely on Him, not on ourselves. We reminded ourselves that this IS what we had chosen, to step out in faith. So we had to take steps, albeit little steps at first. From this, early on in our marriage, my husband and I learned to trust God in all things. We lost our naive outlook on life, the underlying philosophy that everything can be planned out from graduation to retirement, and our comfortable "what-life-seems-to-be" bubble popped, not from dire circumstances, but on our own accord. And we started realizing, when we personally experienced the miracle of birth and witnessed the uniqueness of each child, that every child was indeed a blessing. When we met couples who could not have children, or have lost children, we were even more grateful for our healthy, beautiful children.

With time, our little steps grew bigger. Our biggest was when we decided to try to have a fourth child, even though my husband was unemployed at the time. We knew that if God gave us a fourth child, He would also provide all the means we needed to raise that child. I love telling that story now when we introduce our youngest member of the family.

Recently, we have met other like-minded couples, many who have had similar experiences. For so long, I thought I was one of few women to think this way. What a surprise then when, earlier this week, I had three conversations about this very topic! Though it saddens me to know that there is still an opinion out there among Christians that choosing natural birth control is uneducated, irresponsible, or old-fashioned, I am encouraged when friends remind me, "God will provide ALL that you need."

And that is our story, of how my husband and I learned to walk in faith together, step by step. With every step, our courage grows, and now we venture forth, like missionaries, into the suburban jungle. God opens our eyes to the lies around us, some so subtle or so ingrained that they are easily overlooked. Whenever we can, we teach our children that God has a purpose for each of them, that they were born at the perfect time. We encourage couples who are expecting to put their worries and fears into God's Hands. And this is always a good reminder for my husband and myself, since we still worry sometimes, and we still fight our fears, especially when we are feeling financially and physically stretched. But God is good, and God is sovereign. He may be writing the book for a fifth Baird child right now, but He'll let me know his or her name when the time comes.

If you are preparing yourself for marriage, learn about your options before going with what's 'popular'. There are people and tools out there to help a couple make a wise and Godly decision.

Addendum: I forgot to mention that I have fairly easy pregnancies and births. I have many friends who do not, and they have decided to limit the number of children they have. I know that if my pregnancies were difficult or life-threatening, my husband and I would have to reassess the situation and ask God for His wisdom to do what is best.

Jonah Goes to Nineveh (Part 1 of 2)

I didn't write yesterday because I had to take a break from all this intense writing.

That, and I was playing Jonah.

When I first started this blog, I already had in mind several topics about which I could write. I was going to leave the subject of birth control for later... much later. But then (funny how it is), in the past three days, I've had three different conversations about the very topic. Believe me, this is not normal-everyday small talk for me. Before now, I've had maybe three conversations about birth control (with people other than my husband) in the past ten years. It is something I ponder on quite frequently, but not something I feel comfortable discussing.

So, I was playing Jonah. I was running away from Nineveh, going in the other direction, trying to avoid the voice of God. But you know how the story goes. Without a storm or a fish, I realized that my next blog entry was to be about my choice in birth control, as controversial as it may be. Today, I will give you a quick summary, and tomorrow, a more detailed account.

Remember, I am not an expert, or a doctor, or a theologian. I am expressing to you my experiences and how I've come to my decision based on what I know Biblically. I do appreciate your comments, if you would like to share them with me and my readers.

I have never taken 'the pill'. I never felt comfortable with the idea of putting hormones in my body. Nor did I feel comfortable with putting a foreign object into my body. The more I thought about it, the more I believed that God had designed a woman's body to be in perfect working order, that the rhythms in my body were not without a purpose. My husband and I discussed this thoroughly before we were married, and he agreed with me completely.

There is nothing earth-shattering about my discovery, but the comments we've received over the years have been unexpected. If they were all from non-Christians, they would have washed over me without a scratch. But I have found that even some of my own Christian brothers and sisters viewed our decision as unwise, naive, or irresponsible, like we were drunken teenagers at a party.

It comes down to a matter of trust. I give up the control (that I think I have) and trust God. I live knowing that He will not give me more than I can bear. I live knowing that every child is born at the perfect time, for a perfect purpose, to the perfect family.