On "Adulting"

I never liked the word "adulting." It just bothered me, but I couldn't say why.

I would hear people say things like, "I just bought my first refrigerator! I'm adulting!" That's fine; I'm okay with that.

But if I hear someone say, "I have to go to work today. I'm adulting," it rubs me the wrong way. I think I figured out the reason today.

My 7-year-old was arguing with me this afternoon concerning a book he wanted to look at. The problem was his 4-year-old sister wanted to look at it at the same time.

"But I want it!" he shouted. "Why does she get it first?"

"Because you're the older sibling," I explained as plainly as I could. "You don't act like a four-year-old anymore."

And it was simple as that. An 18-year-old should not act like a 10-year-old, and a 31-year-old should definitely not act like an 18-year-old. But it seems to be more common nowadays that adults are holding onto their childhoods. To be an adult is to have responsibilities, and many would rather not have responsibilities. 

But isn't that a part of life? We learn from our past mistakes (rather than brag about them and long for the "good ol' days") and we pass on the lessons we learned. We distinguish ourselves from children, not because we buy refrigerators, but because we model for them what it means to live lives of integrity.

If you are an adult, there shouldn't be a time when you are "adulting" and a time when you are not. Everything you do should be "adulting."

God and Dishes

When I was a young teen, I suddenly decided one day to wash the dishes for my mom while she was out (this was in the day before we had a dishwasher). Surprisingly, I had never washed the dishes before. My parents never taught me, or made me.

But this one day, when I saw the dishes piled in the kitchen sink, I thought it would be a nice surprise for my mom. Most likely I was prompted by a recent Sunday school lesson, something about "honoring your parents." So I did my best to wash everything and put it in the drying rack, then I waited for my mom to come home and notice.

It didn't take long for her to spot the clean dishes. 

I waited for her to come and ask me about them, which she did. But when I told her that I had washed them for her, she didn't say "thank you" as I expected her to. She said, "They're still greasy. You didn't do it right."

And I didn't wash dishes for my mom for a long time after that.

This was the memory that suddenly popped into my head as I washed the dishes this morning. I don't know why. But I see a two-fold lesson here:

1) Praise a child for doing right. There are times when quality matters, but what is more important is that the child is choosing to obey, to take initiative, or to make the attempt at something that is difficult. Rather than focusing on how well the child did the job, praise him/her for doing it to the best of his/her ability.

2) Our Father in heaven loves it when we obey Him. We hesitate because we worry about failing, but God asks us to take the first step in obedience, and He promises to guide us the rest of the way. He is the perfect Father, and He never criticizes us for not doing a good-enough job. Rather, He's the Father who asks you to do the dishes, then stands with you at the sink, gets His hands dirty, and cleans three plates for every spoon you clean (and the rest of the kitchen besides!)

Be That Role Model

I stood at the front of the room, eighteen pairs of teenage eyes looking at me. I was teaching a singing class, but I wanted to share something with my singers before we even opened our mouths.

I started telling them about how I started singing in high school, with no previous experience at all, how I learned all I could along the way, dealt with the disappointment of not making the top choir, but going on to college to study music and to keep singing. My hope was to encourage those who didn't feel like they were great singers.

I wish I could say that a student or two came to me after class and said, "Thank you so much for sharing that!" but none did. But I knew that if I had heard someone tell a story like that when I was in high school, I would have felt better about myself (and not have the courage to tell the person so.) That person would have become my role model for sure.

You have a story to tell, and you never know who might need to hear it. YOU can be the role model for someone who simply needs to know that someone has gone through similar experiences. For someone who is still on the journey, you are the one he/she sees further down the road, and it is so encouraging and so helpful for all of us to know that we are not traveling alone. 

So share your story; be that role model for someone.

Growth

During a piano lesson one day, I was thinking about recitals and how far each of my students have come, when I recalled an incident from my years as a high school teacher.

It was my second year of teaching and I had been put in charge of the musical performances for graduation. No big deal. At the small private school I was teaching, I knew each senior by name and already knew who the strong singers were.

Then a senior named Kate approached me. She was friendly, gentle and kind, a girl who was content to be in the background. A quiet leader, I called her. She was a great role model in her class, and though not considered one of the "popular" students, she was loved by all. She had been doing some singing with me, and when she asked if she could sing at graduation, I said enthusiastically, "Yes!" She wasn't a strong singer, but I didn't make my decision based on that; I made it based on her character.

And then it was my job to stand up for my decision. With barely two years of experience under my belt, some other teachers felt that I shouldn't have made that call, but I stood by Kate. I knew how she'd grown the past year. I knew the courage it took for her to even get up on a stage. I knew that the song she was singing may not sound as good as some other girl singing it, but it would have more meaning. 

We still live in a culture that pressures us to look a certain way or act a certain way. We see photos of "the rich and famous" and aspire to be like them. We want to impress people, or we want our children to impress people. We compare, measure, and compare some more. But-

it is not the face you show the world for 5 minutes that counts,

it's who you are consistently when no one is watching.

it's not always the end goal that matters most,

it's also the journey you took to get there.

Growth is not looking at a tree and saying, "Wow! Look how tall it is!"

Growth is looking at a tree and saying, "Wow! That used to be a tiny seed! Look how tall it's become!"

On Being the Older Woman (part 2)

This morning we had at our church what we call 'Fusion Sunday'. This means that the high school and middle school ministry leaders are on a break (or a retreat) and all the teenagers join the adults for the morning service.

I don't know what your opinion is on teenagers, but I LOVE 'Fusion Sunday's. When we stood up to sing, I could see my oldest son towering over me, and my oldest daughter on the other side of him, both singing with me. From where I stood, I also saw four young men sitting front row center. These teenagers did not choose to slump in the back row so that they can scroll through the phones during the service. They were worshipping with all their hearts and listening intently to every word the pastor said.

"Here is the next generation of leaders," I told myself. "I need to pray for them."

It's popular nowadays for people to attend the same church but separate for worship services: teenagers go here, college students go there, senior citizens can attend the 'hymns' only service, children go to the nursery. We find it easy to group with people who are most like us, but if we continue to do this, churches will either become more and more homogenous or more and more detached. And like I mentioned in my last post, we need the older generations, because we learn from them. Which means our younger generations need to spend time with us too.

In a short ten years, our teenagers will be our adults and our toddlers will be our teenagers. What are you doing to ensure that the baton is passed?

On Being the Older Woman

Ten years ago, when my family first started attending Valley Bible Church, I was in awe of the women I met there. It seemed like every woman I talked to was welcoming, beautiful, joyful, kind, and gracious. Some were homeschooling moms with four or more children. Some were grandmothers. But no matter what stage of life they were in, these women were strong yet humble leaders in the church, working together to serve the youth, missions, children's ministry, and events. I didn't sense that there was a pecking order; the church did not feel like a social club. (Isn't it sad that I even had to write that, because there are churches out there like that?)

At the time, I had just turned thirty, and was still trying to figure out life with three children, ages five and under. I struggled with my sense of self and with my security in God's peace and love. And after six years of serving in a church plant with mostly other twenty-somethings, I was hungry for wisdom from older women. 

These women have not let me down–they are the real deal–and they have been my role models for the past ten years (whether they knew it or not). Through conversations, Bible studies, and serving alongside the older women, I have grown immensely. They have taught me about true beauty, one that flows out from the Spirit living inside. They have taught me about interdependence and living in community. They have taught me about being a good wife and mother and what it means to be a daughter of God.

I realized recently, when I turned forty, that I am now the "older" woman that the younger women in my church might look up to. I pray I am just as gracious, kind, joyful, and humble as my role models. And this year, I will be speaking three times at my church, on three different subjects. Marriage, parenting, and hospitality are all things that I had been studying these past ten years and have become passionate about. Never would I have imagined that I would be ask to speak on them! I am looking forward to sharing what I know, and I hope to do a good job! 

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior… They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women…  ~Titus 2:3-4

Gushing

My husband never talks negatively about me in public or in front of the children.

In fact, he goes one step further and gushes about me and my amazing qualities.

It's a little embarrassing, especially when I'm sitting right next to him. My cheeks can't help but flush pink when he shines the spotlight on me.

But I'm not complaining! I know that having a husband who doesn't gripe about me to people and instead praises me (as imperfect as I am) is a rare gift. And he has done so for fifteen years! I was starting to take this for granted when  my husband shared a recent text conversation with me.

A friend was asking my husband where in the Bible it says not to speak negatively about your wife in public. He wanted some passages to share with his men's Bible study group, to encourage them to change their attitudes and habits. He ended the conversation with this, "I struggle with it at times, when things aren't going well at home. I have noticed in the past how you talk about Rita, but could never put a finger on what was different about hearing you speak versus other husbands. But I get it now."

When I read that, my eyes teared up. What has become commonplace to me is still extraordinary to the world, to Christians and non-Christians alike. Yes, my husband is extraordinary! It's my turn to gush now! In a world that oftentimes sees marriage as a prison and puts the focus on "Me and My Needs", my husband chooses to take his God-given role to heart. He knows that his main responsibility as my husband is to accept me as the flawed person that I am, to embrace my gifts and positive traits, to forgive my failures, and to encourage me to grow to be more Christ-like. And every time he does so (with even a small comment like "You should meet my wife. She's amazing!"), he emits a light that makes heads turn.

Isn't that exactly what Paul writes about in Philippians 2:14-15?

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

And Peter too, in I Peter 2:9?

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Peter goes on in chapter 3 of I Peter to address wives and husbands specifically, that both should make a practice of being outstandingly kind to their spouse. Wives are to have "respectful and pure conduct" (I Peter 3:1) and husbands are to "live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel." (I Peter 3:7). Peter puts even more pressure on husbands to do so "so that their prayers may not be hindered."

People who follow Christ should stand out! Heads should turn! Ears should be shocked! There should be that "I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it" feeling when people spend time with us. So I challenge all of you wives and husbands out there:

The next time you start complaining about your spouse to your friends or family, bite your tongue. And if you can't say something positive, choose not to say anything at all. Then when you have time, pray that God can change your attitude towards some of the things your spouse does that drive you crazy. Forgive where forgiveness is needed. Let go where bitterness is starting to taking root. Make a list of all the amazing things your spouse does, even if he or she does them in a way different from the way you would do them. Look at the details. Look at the big picture. See this person that God has gifted to you. 

Then start gushing about your spouse! (Here's a hint: It's even better when he or she is sitting right next to you!)

Beyond the Classroom (Part 2 of 2)

My oldest is starting high school. My breath catches in my throat just thinking those words.

"This is it, right? This is the beginning of 'real' life. No more playing around. No more 'learning is fun'. If I mess up now, my son's future is at stake."

That's how I feel about high school, because that is the impression I get. If my son doesn't take the right science class, then he can't take the next right science class, which means he can't get into the right college, and graduate and get the right job. It's time to panic, Rita. 

Yes, PANIC!

But wait, didn't I just give advice to a mom of an eleven-year-old? Didn't I say (and I quote myself), "There are things that schools do not teach our children. There is so much more to life than GPAs, SATs, and PhDs"?

Take a deep breath, Rita. You can't plan everything. You want to line up the dominoes and see them fall, one by one, so neatly and methodically in the pattern you set. You want guaranteed success, for the next four years to sail by without a glitch. You want to be able to see the future, so that you can make choices rather than mistakes, and live with no regret of the past.

But that is not life. And that is certainly not God's plan for  you or your son. God asks you to obey Him one step at a time. To be faithful one day at a time. To trust Him one thought at a time.

So trust Him, Rita.

Trust Him to take care of the details.

And do what you know is right: prepare your son to be a leader, a decision-maker, and a fighter for justice and integrity. Teach him how to learn, how to research, and how to communicate in speech and through the written word. Live by example and show him the importance of God and people, family and friends, work and rest. Remind him that it is more important to reach down and help the helpless than to climb the ladder to the top.

And pray. Pray for each day. Pray for each moment. Pray for each child.

That is something your son will never learn from a textbook.

Not-So-Instant Gratification

"Learn how to play piano in one day!"

"Buy now with 0% financing!"

"Stream any movie, anytime, anywhere!"

As our culture moves faster and faster, we begin to believe that anything of worth must also move quickly. My children don't need any help with being impatient. The younger ones want everything "NOW!" The older ones wish school and other new skills could be mastered with minimal effort.

And I see my baby, almost one-year-old now, and I think of how far we've come, and yet, how far we still have to go. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He will be in diapers for at least another year. It will be a while before we reach a place where he is not so needy, and even longer before he is ready to be fully on his own. I'm in for the long haul, and there is no way around it.

It takes time to nurture.

It takes time to build relationship.

It takes time to learn.

It takes time to grow.

I don't want to be pessimistic, but I do hope that our next generation will not be one that gives up easily and abandons anything that doesn't give instant gratification. Parents, make the choice to slow down. To not take the quick and easy route. To emphasize skill-building rather than test-taking. To acknowledge that new technology might be fun, but not entirely necessary. Talk about saving up money to buy something. Make the time to do a long-term project with your children. 

What changes do you need to make in your life to better role-model perseverance, diligence and commitment?

Joy & Honor

I See the King!

"Mom! There is a giant bird in the tree! Mom! It looks like a penguin!!"

Penguin?! I thought. My children's imaginations must be working overtime. 

But my children know about birds, so they could not have been exaggerating that much. I made my way to the window to check out this penguin.

There, in our neighbor's tree, was not one, but TWO, gray oblong shapes that did look a lot like penguins!

"Mom, are they hawks?"

"No… not any hawk I've ever seen!"

We eventually figured out that our penguins were two huddled blue herons trying to keep warm in the windy weather. We watched the pair throughout the day, taking great delight whenever one moved, worrying when we couldn't see two, and wondering if they would choose to be our permanent neighbors.

That evening at dinner, my husband read another chapter from Tales of the Kingdom (one of our favorites, written by David and Karen Mains). This chapter, titled 'Sighting Day' was about a game called seek-the-King.

"The children try to find the King all over Great Park on Sighting Day," Mercie explained further. "It is a huge game of seek-the-King. He appears in disguises…"

But the game is not as easy as it sounds, because before a person can see the King, he/she has to believe in the King. I won't give away too much, but by the end of the chapter, our protagonist Hero was able to say, "I see the King!"

Suddenly it all came together. Hero understood. This was the King. This beggar. This peasant. This athletic young man.

For me, the connection could not have been clearer. I'm not an avid bird watcher, but I do take great delight in identifying birds and watching their habits. Whenever I'm walking or driving, I spot birds and point them out to my children. Now the children have caught on to my little hobby. When I hear one of them shout out, "There's our phoebe!" or "I saw a red-winged blackbird" I am filled with joy.

Similarly, I can be the one who teaches my children to see Jesus everywhere. When I give thanks despite a difficult situation, I am showing my children that Jesus is in control. When I give praise to the Creator for His beautiful world, I am pointing out God's handiwork. And when I treat strangers, neighbors, and even enemies with love, I am demonstrating Jesus's love for those who were made in His image. Yes, the King is everywhere, if we only open our eyes to see Him.

The herons did not choose to stay for more than a day, but as we drove to church last Sunday, we spotted a heron at the nearby creek.

"Look! A heron! Maybe that's our heron!"

I smiled. Hearing those words brought to my mind an image of my children playing a game of seek-the-King, maybe at church, maybe at the park, maybe at the store. How wonderful it would be to hear them shout one day,

"I see the King!"

Good Medicine

My neighbor was recently hospitalized for pneumonia. When she came home, she was slower and weaker than before and had trouble walking and lifting things.

I started going over everyday to do little things for her: bring her homemade cornbread, take out her garbage, fix her toilet seat cover. I usually went alone, but on Sunday I brought my baby with me. He was in a cheery mood and I knew that I could just lay him on a bed while I do a few things.

At the door, my neighbor was surprised and delighted to see the baby! While I took out the garbage, I left the baby on the bed so he and my neighbor could have an exchange of smiles and conversation. And when it was time to leave, my baby kept talking all the way to the door. It was such a sweet moment.

Later, I told my husband about our little visit. My husband gave the baby a squeeze and said, "Good medicine. He is good medicine."

So parents, don't think that having children means you have to give up serving. Children are great conversation starters! Take your children to visit the elderly, take them to the store, take them to church, take them anywhere where there are people who are lonely. Ignore the popular opinion that children are a nuisance. They are good medicine– a blessing, a joy, a gift from God.

The 'D' Word

Recently, I've been writing a lot about my newborn. It's understandable. Newborns are just so adorable, not to mention all-consuming.

But the day will come when my innocent child will not be so 'innocent' anymore. Though I love seeing my children's personalities emerge, I don't look forward to the day when a child knowingly defies me for the first time. Like many parents, I wish I didn't have to deal with the 'D' word: discipline.

Why do we as parents dread that word? Why does it make us cringe when we say it? "I must discipline my child" just sounds bad, doesn't it? But maybe it's because we associate the word with spankings, removal of privileges, and other forms of punishment. 'Disciplinary actions' are never a good thing.

However, the root of the word 'discipline' is the same as the word 'disciple'. So if we think of discipline as training, teaching, and the making of disciples, we will see that it goes way beyond the correction of bad behavior. In fact, all we do for our children can be counted as discipline. Teaching your child to make his/her bed is discipline. Rebuking him/her for hitting a sibling is discipline. Modeling daily study of the Word is discipline. Think of an Olympic athlete disciplining himself in preparation for a competition. Discipline in this sense has a positive, not negative, connotation. Similarly, just as the athlete must discipline himself in all areas of his life, the discipline of a child should extend to every area of the child's life.

This is why I sometimes find it difficult to answer parents'  questions on discipline. First, every child is different. There is no one method of discipline. Second, most parents ask about discipline wanting a 'quick fix' formula. Again, if discipline is about more than a punishment, we need to understand that discipline really happens outside of the-moment-when-I-lose-my-patience. Discipline (in every form)  should happen in three stages.

The first stage is the preparatory stage. This means giving the child a clear, precise explanation of what is expected of him/her. Oftentimes, parents give ambiguous directions like "Be on your best behavior" or "Act appropriately". "No running or shouting" before entering the library or "Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'" before a visit at someone's house gives the child an action to focus on. Instead of saying "Clean you room", make a list like "Put the dirty laundry in the hamper... Put your books on the shelf…" 

This stage is also the time to state the consequences for obedience or disobedience. The child should know exactly what he/she is to do and what will follow if he/she chooses to obey or disobey. It is very important that whatever you state as punishment or reward is something that you can actually carry out (In other words, don't say, "Come now or I will leave you here.")

Next comes the action stage. This is simply the stage where the child acts and the parent responds. Your job is to be on the look out and be ready to respond positively when you see your child doing as you had instructed, or to follow through with correction or punishment if he/she does not. You MUST follow through with the punishment (and I don't recommend counting to three before you do so). There are times for grace, but your child must learn that he/she has crossed a boundary and will receive consequences for doing so.

The third stage is the evaluation stage. This may also be the reconciliation stage, if punishment was dealt, angry words exchanged, or forgiveness required (from the parent and/or for the parent). If all went well, it is good to praise your child once more. Tell him/her how you felt ("I was proud of you when…" or "It helps me when you…") and ask questions ("Did you notice how Grandma was happy when you offered to clear the table?") My husband and I always praise our children when they were well-behaved guests at a restaurant or someone's house to remind them that their behavior DOES make an impact on other people. 

If things did not go so well, wait until you are calm before talking to your child. Then ask the child about changes that could be made next time. (Were you ambiguous? Were you unjust?) Talk about strategies to help your child do a better job next time. Share stories about when you were young and went through a similar situation. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, fix your broken relationship with a hug, kiss, and "I love you." Remind your child that the punishment is a part of teaching and training and that God gave parents a specific job to do. If you said any angry words or threw a temper tantrum yourself, ask forgiveness from your child. Tell him/her that you are learning too.

This sounds like a lot of work, but each stage usually only takes one or two minutes. And believe me, it is a much better approach than feeling exasperated and hopeless as you watch your child do the same naughty thing again and again (and you watch yourself lose your patience again and again.) 

Lastly, remember that discipline means making disciples, which also means that we are to be models of God's unconditional love and grace. Your child will never be perfect, but we can forgive and encourage growth, because God our Father does the same for us.

Call the Action League! (or More On Superpowers)

It all started with my son's green hooded bath towel. He would run around the house with the towel flapping behind him, stopping every now and then to practice his karate moves on a pillow or his sister. I nicknamed the little boy 'Green Ghost', which he quickly and enthusiastically embraced as his alter ego.

Soon his little sister joined him in his game (maybe she was tired of being the practice dummy). Her towel had an octopus on the hood, so I called her 'Octopus Girl'. My husband designed superhero logos for them and drew cartoon versions of them, and the two loved being the heroes of their own adventures.

Now we have superhero names for all the children. Green Ghost, Octopus Girl, Flaming Marshmallow, the Climbist, Flying Cupcake, and Skygazer are all part of what we call the Action League. And I am Mega-mama, married to my ever faithful partner Dada-tron. We each have a t-shirt with our personal logo on it. We even have a theme song ("Call the Action League!") We don't have full-blown costumes (at least not yet) but the Action League is something that defines us and unites us as a family. When my sixth child was born at home, his siblings decided together that they all need to wear their superhero T-shirts that day to welcome him into our family.

But there is something more to the Action League. Just as the Avengers, the Incredibles, or the members of Big Hero 6 must learn to use their individual strengths cooperatively in order to save the world, our little band can do great things if we acknowledge and cultivate each person's individual talents and practice using them in ways to build each other up. As each child joined our family, he/she brought something unique to contribute to the 'team'.

So when my more serious child begins to get annoyed with his sillier sibling, I remind him that his sibling's silliness can be a gift to him. My husband likes to point out each child's strengths, not as a way of comparison, but to say, "God designed you to be you! He has a specific plan for you!" My artistic children are not artistic in the same way. My musical children are not musical in the same way. Even my husband and I are not musical in the same way! And that's just the tip of the iceberg! We choose to practice showing appreciation, rather than aggravation, for the differences that we each bring to the marriage. Even a simple "Thank you for doing that" can be so encouraging!

And here's my favorite part. (You knew it was coming!) My family is a constant reminder of how the body of Christ is meant to function: as individuals unified through ultimate grace, with one purpose– to glorify God– and one goal– to spread the Gospel of His love. The apostle Paul writes about this in three of his epistles:

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them… ~Romans 12:3-6a 

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ… when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. ~Ephesians 4:11-16

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. ~I Corinthians 12:4-7

(All of I Corinthians 12 is worth reading, especially in light of the fact that it leads directly into the famous 'Love Chapter'.)

So here's your assignment, if you choose to accept it. In your family, or your Bible study, or your circle of friends, or within your greater church body, how can you show appreciation for those whose gifts are different from yours? Is there any bitterness, envy, or annoyance that you need to confess? Any forgiveness or apologies that need to be given? And what is the action step you need to take from here in order to build up the Body in love?

Be Bored This Summer

"I'm bored!"

It's inevitable, isn't it? Summer is only half-way over and the kids don't know what to do with all their free time. And they expect you to do something about it.

Now don't get me wrong. Summer is the best time for playdates and outings with your kids. But don't feel the need to be the one shuttling your children from one activity to another all summer! There are plenty of articles out there (like this one) that says "boredom" is a good thing! I'm not a psychologist or child development expert, but I have seen it first hand. "I'm bored" in my house is code for "I want to watch a movie." I respond with, "Here's a list of chores you can help me with" and the child disappears. Ten minutes later, I see this child painting a picture, or inventing a new game outside, or playing with a sibling. Boredom, in the right setting, can open the door to fun and creativity.

And what is the right setting? A place where the child has the space to explore (with boundaries, of course) both physically and mentally. Outside, they can dig or build without feeling like they are going to ruin the carefully-landscaped yard. Inside, they have access to books, paper, craft materials, musical instruments, and open-ended toys. What they are NOT doing is numbing their minds with television and the Internet, which is what our current culture tends to do to fill "dead" time.

Remember, boredom isn't simply something the "experts" recommend. God made us to need down-time. He even commands it! 

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day is a Sabbath of solemn rest, a holy convocation. You shall do no work. It is a Sabbath to the Lord in all your dwelling places. ~Leviticus 23:2

When we rest, we have time to ponder. We meditate. We absorb. Giving your children a time of inactivity allows them to reflect on their own emotions and thoughts. Then their minds know better what they need: to imagine, to sleep, to pray, to process, to problem-solve, to explore. In my family, we ALL rest for an hour on Sundays, regardless of how the children are feeling. And if we've had several busy days in a row, I oftentimes say 'no' to an activity in order to give the children's minds a chance to catch up with their bodies.

This summer, take away the remote, the smart phone, or the Wii every now and then. Give your child's mind the freedom to roam. If you're going on a road trip, feel free to turn off the DVD player or the music. Tell your kids why. Role model it by saying, "Mom and Dad need quiet time sometimes, just to think. And to enjoy the scenery. And each other." Great conversations and shared memories can sprout from these moments.

So go ahead! Be a little bored this summer!

Koinonia

My family just got back from a weekend in the mountains with our church family. As always, our time together was fruitful: new friendships were formed, old friendships were deepened, memories were made. This year, I was especially blessed because I am now 31 weeks pregnant and people were quick to step in and help with our tent or our energetic toddler. I love the strong feeling of community that I get on a weekend like this one.

But even as I experienced wonderful care and friendship, I noticed that there were people on the outskirts. I know how hard it is to break through the invisible barrier of an established community. Which is why I especially love our church body; we strive to practice koinonia.

If you've never heard of the word koinonia, let me tell you a little about it. It is a Greek word that means 'communion', 'sharing', or 'fellowship'. It is the deep connection that Christ nurtures in a church body, one that goes beyond superficial commonalities. An example of koinonia can be found in Acts 2:42-47:

And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

It is koinonia that sets the Church apart from the rest of the world. It is koinonia that astounds people when they see multiple cultures and social classes worshiping together. It is koinonia that allows people of different backgrounds to form a bond of love and encouragement. Without Christ as the foundation and koinonia as a fruit of His love, the Church would fall apart. As Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsame:

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (John 17:22-23)

And so, even as I noticed those on the outskirts at camp, I also noticed those who were dedicated to cultivating koinonia. I saw them making an effort to meet new people and to reach out to those who didn't easily mingle, and I was so thankful for them. At dinner one night, a young friend of mine came to me, her plate in hand, and whispered, "I'm looking for a place to sit, with people I don't know. Do you have any recommendations?" 

I pointed to a table where an older, tattooed, grizzly-looking gentleman was sitting. I had only met him the day before, but I knew that he had some great stories to tell.

"That man there has fostered more than 200 teenagers in 15 years. He's amazing. Sit with him."

Our last morning at the camp was especially sweet. My young son was waving and saying 'hi' to everyone he saw. Everywhere he looked, he saw a friend. During our morning service, I glanced around the room and felt an overflow of gratitude for the people I saw, especially those that I had gotten to know over the past two days. I prayed for the man who was reevaluating his life after experiencing heart failure; the couple who was recently married and were now learning to join their families and their lives; the homeschooling family who moved from another state and was looking for a new church family. Before I left, I invited this family to join us on Sunday mornings. I want them to experience koinonia through our church body like I have.

Passing on What Matters Most

I love live music, and I want my children to be exposed to non-pop music as much as possible. So when our friend invited us to hear her perform with her symphony orchestra, my husband and I decided to go as a family.

All went well until intermission. As the children returned to their seats, an older woman in front of us turned and said roughly, "Your children are kicking the seat." I hadn't noticed anyone kicking, but I apologized anyway. And our family left before the concert was done because the woman had ruined our evening.

I wish I could have told her how I felt. I made the effort to be at a performance for the sake of my friend and my children. And these children are the future of live, orchestral music. They are the ones who will pick up the violin or oboe and someday fill our halls with beautiful music. I didn't mean to distract from this woman's enjoyment, but I knew that there was so much more to our outing than enjoyment. I just wish she saw it that way too.

My reason for sharing this little story with you is not because I want to rant about some stranger, but because it illustrates how we as parents will make the effort to bring our children to places and events when it is important to us. Some parents drive for hours and pay hundreds of dollars to bring their children to Disneyland. It's important to them. Some parents bring their children to sporting events and teach them to ice-skate, throw, or kick as soon as the child can walk. It's important to them. These parents, like me when it comes to  music, are doing what they do because they want to pass something onto their children.

And yet, when it comes to bringing children to a worship service for a few hours, some parents freeze. They'd rather sleep in and stay home. Or go to a park. Or go to Disneyland. They don't see why they should go to church, especially if there is no "children's program", because sitting with their children means that they, the parents, aren't really fully absorbing the message or paying full attention. And what will other people think? they wonder. When their child starts to wiggle, they see heads turn and they feel their cheeks burn. Is it worth it?

Author Melissa Kruger writes this in her devotional Bible study Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood:

While the paintings that hang in church nurseries always represent [Jesus and the children] as a peaceful scene, I have a feeling it was much more complicated. Surely as [the parents] traveled to get their children to Jesus, there were diapers that needed changing, hungry mouths to feed (and no a Chick-fil-A in sight), arguments, whining, dirty hands and feet, tired children, exhausted, and a myriad of other obstacles. It would not have been an easy journey.

But for these parents, it WAS worth it. Even when the disciples scolded them for bothering Jesus. And for everyone else there that day, it was worth it too, because they saw Jesus respond to these children with "Come." I'm sure the disciples took notice. And as well as anyone else there who had thought that the children were distracting them from Jesus's teachings.

As my husband and I prepare to bring our children to our church's prayer night on Thursday, I fill my mind with this image. Even though I spend most of the evening walking around with the toddler and trying to keep him quiet and out of trouble, I know that I am taking the first steps to bringing him to Jesus. Also, I remind myself that other people need to see the children there, even if they are a little distracting. Without them, the body of Christ wouldn't be complete.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."

Children are, after all, the future of God's kingdom. 

Family Inheritance (and little mirrors)

My three-year-old came to me one day with a toy in her hand. 

"Mom, this is broken," she said.

Then she shrugged her shoulders in the cutest way and said, "Oh well!"

The following day, she spilled some water, and again shrugged her shoulders with a nonchalant "Oh well!"

Then I realized, she had learned it from me! I must say "Oh well" a lot!

But then there was the time when I heard one of my older girls yelling from the other side of the house.

"You ruined it! Why did you do that?"

I was sure one of the younger children was the culprit.

I took care of the situation, but not without recognizing that my daughter's angry reaction was a mirror of my own reactions sometimes. How many times have I responded by yelling when a child drew on the wall, tore a page from a book, or (gasp!) cut a sibling's hair? How often have I lost my patience over small issues, or grumbled about a chore, or spoke unkindly about someone?

This was a wake-up call for me.

I am now very much aware that I am being watched. My children will not pick up ALL my bad habits (my prayer is that they don't!) but I could certainly work on making changes in my life so that they can mirror my GOOD habits more. 

My baby said his first word not too long ago. 

"Uh-oh!" he would cry out as he dropped a cup or toy to the floor.

Hmmm…. I wonder who he learned that from….

There is much that we can pass onto our children… our family's china, our freckles, our photo albums. Let's not make our bad character traits a part of our family inheritance.

Living By Example

A few weeks back I read an article that basically said, "The worst thing you could ask of your daughter is to be an example for her friends." According to the author, the pressure your daughter feels from this kind of request pushes her to put on a good face, but to never feel like she herself can admit her fears, hurts, or shortcomings.

"Oh my gosh! I've ruined my children!" was my initial emotional response. My husband and I often ask our children to be good role models for their younger siblings. We encourage our children to be leaders among their friends and their peers at church. Have I been wrong this whole time in asking them to do that? Doubt raced through my mind and robbed me of my confidence. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to write. Guilt bubbled in my core. 

When my emotions finally settled down, I tried to think through this author's words with a clear head. I had written before on something similar to this. We are role models, whether we want to be one or not. Our choice is to be good role models, or bad role models. 

Similarly, I can ask my children to be an example for their friends, though I should explain clearly to them what type of example they should be. After all, Paul wrote these words to young Timothy: Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity (I Timothy 4:12). My children can be examples of perfect, happy people, or they can be examples of people who know that they are saved by grace, people who know that their greatest example is Jesus Christ (see Philippians 2).

So what it comes down to is this: The worst thing I could ask of my daughter is to be an example without being the right example for her. And if I am the kind of mother who cares more about appearances, then I will teach my children to do the same. If I am the kind of mother who pretends to have it altogether,  then my children will grow into that mold.

But if I am the kind of mother who can say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong," who can share about the lessons she is learning, who gives grace and freely admits that she is in need of it too, who cares for those who are weaker and smaller, whose goal is not to be an example but to bring healing to people, who looks to Jesus, then I want to say to my children, again and again and again,

"Be an example. For your friends. For your peers. For the world."

Beyond Dollars and Cents

Growing up, we never had much money. My father's salary as a pastor and the money my mother earned through cleaning and nannying just barely covered our needs. If I asked for anything, it was usually considered extravagant. We had to count every penny, because every penny counted.

But there were times when I asked my parents to drive me somewhere. Or times when I wanted to visit a friend. And even those requests were considered extravegent because of the cost of gas. Though I understood then the importance of being thrifty, I see now that some things cannot be counted monetarily. Somewhere along the way, in being extra careful with their spending, my parents forgot that some things are worth MORE than the cost of gas or the hours you spend on the road. Driving thirty minutes to drop off a meal is worth it if you can help a person in need. Driving several hours to support a friend is an investment made. Taking a road trip to attend a wedding shows sacrifice. In exchange for the money spent, you are cultivating a relationship, something that has far greater value than money. With regret, I admit that my relationships with my friends and my parents would have benefited from knowing this.

Some friends visited us this past week, an older couple whose home-schooled children are now all grown. As we sat around the table after breakfast, the couple shared with us a system of chores that worked in their family: for every family chore completed, the child received a payment. It could be a quarter for loading the dishwasher, or a dollar for vacuuming the entire house. The child must complete at least three a day, and after a few years, he/she will have enough money to start paying for his/her own clothes, trips, toys, etc. (and the house is cleaner too!)

While my husband and I agreed that work ethic is good, and tithing and money management are also good (of course), we disagreed that every chore should be rewarded with payment. After all, what does it mean to be a part of a family? Participating in chores with no expectation of money is more important than fairness or wages. Learning to serve with a sacrificial heart is a greater lesson learned.

And these were the thoughts that passed through my mind this morning as I attended a piano recital in which none of my children performed. Nor were we related to any of the performers. I made the extra drive and sat for nearly two hours with a squirmy baby because my children's best friends were playing. These are the children I want hanging out in my house when they are older. They are the teenagers I want asking me for godly advice.  

So even if I had paid a hundred dollars for gas and another hundred for tickets, it would still not equal seeing my children grow up with boys and girls whom they can call lifelong friends. I considered today an investment in something that goes far beyond today, and far, far beyond dollars and cents.