Caring for Your Pastor's Wife

"Oh, so you're Nathan Baird's wife."

Those words make me nervous. That's because my husband is a pastor. His face is on our church website. He gets up and speaks in front of people. 

I'm usually just doing my thing–watching my little ones, helping out in the nursery, baking desserts for the high school events. But once I hear those words, "Nathan Baird's wife", I start wondering, "What sort of expectations are tied in with that?" This didn't bother me when my husband was a teacher. Or when he was a graphic designer. Hearing those words then usually meant the person is looking forward to get to know me, because they already know my husband. But when I'm at church and I hear those words, I imagine that the person thinks he/she has already figured me out.

Because you have to admit that in Christian circles, there are expectations of what a "pastor's wife" should look like or act like: she's put together, always smiling and welcoming, her children are quiet and well-behaved, and she leads the choir, cook for potlucks, and teaches Sunday School. In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is treated like the First Lady (in some churches, the pastor's wife is called the "First Lady"!) In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is an unspoken job description (my mom, also a pastor's wife, says it's like a "two-for-one deal.")

I'll say this outright–I hate it.

Growing up as a "pastor's kid" (also known as a "PK"), I hated the burden put on on family simply because of my father's position. I agree that as a Christian leader, my father is an example for others, but this usually led his congregation to believe two things: 

1) he NEVER makes mistakes or does anything wrong

2) his family are perfect leaders too

As a PK, I played piano, then ran and taught Sunday school, then ran back to play the last two songs in the service. I led the youth group while still a youth myself. It was assumed that I didn't need discipleship or guidance. My mom, a quiet, introverted woman, was not a natural leader. Sometimes if felt like were thrown into the arena with the lions. Simply said, this did not promote spiritual growth in me or my siblings. I'm sure it didn't help my mom either.

So now, as a pastor's wife myself, I want to share with you some insight on how you can care for a pastor's wife.

1) Give her time.

One of the hardest tasks is juggling church activities while raising children. In some cases, the children get the short end of the stick. Give a pastor's family time to just be together, at home. They shouldn't spend every evening at the church building. They don't need to attend every church event. And remember that Sunday is a work day for a pastor, so his wife is juggling children alone. She should not be pressured to take on another task on a Sunday morning. Nor in the afternoon. She may need that time to nap and rest. Pastors and their wives need a Sabbath too.

2) Give her space.

I know a pastor's wife who is a professional artist (you've probably bought greeting cards designed by her!) I know a pastor's wife who quietly serves and reaches out to people, but would prefer not to speak in front of people. And I know one who has a beautiful singing voice and is a wonderful worship leader.

We all have different gifts. Some find it easy to interact with people, others find it draining. Some love to teach the Word, others are still learning. A pastor's wife loves people (as all Christians are called to love people), but how she does it will look different from person to person. Give the woman space to grow in her gifts and figure out how best she can serve the church.

But whatever she chooses to do (or chooses NOT to do), her job first and foremost is to be a pastor's wife in the truest sense–she is vital support for her husband. She should not be so loaded down with duties that she is distracted from her role as a wife.

3) Give her courage.

The word "encourage" has two parts: "to put in" and "courage or heart." You can give a pastor's wife courage by encouraging her. Pastor's wives may look confident and strong, but they doubt themselves just like everyone else. They feel discouragement and despair just like everyone else. They may feel unsure of themselves, or unsure of their ministry within in the church. But when you see them on a Sunday, they will still give you a big smile and say that everything is okay.

So encourage them in all they do as a mother, wife, servant, leader, and Christ follower. Tell them that they are doing a great job. Make time for real conversation; ask about her heart. This is not the time to ask about her "job" or make her feel like you're "checking up" on her. Instead of "How is Sunday school going?", ask "How is your marriage?", "What are you learning from the Word?" or "Are you feeling joyful? rested? peaceful?" She may not answer (a pastor's wife is always in the difficult position of knowing how much to divulge), but she will be encouraged to know that someone is seeing her beyond her role as "the pastor's wife."

4) Give her grace.

What if the pastor's wife said something unkind? What if she got impatient? What if she yelled at her kids? What if she cried? Would this make you uncomfortable? A pastor's wife is a woman like every other woman. Don't treat her like she is Superwoman, or God.

I am so grateful that my church does not pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. As a pastor's wife, I want to be acting out of love, not out of obligation. Think about how your church views the role of the pastor's wife. Is there something that needs to be changed?

Though this is not my home...

I apologize for not having written since... June?! Has it been that long?!

If it helps at all, I started a post in July, then put it on hold. AND I've been using my quarantine time to finish my new book, which I hope will be available to you al before the end of the year!

Other projects I've been doing during this time are:

-making cards for residents at the nearby assisted living facility

-trying new recipes, like ube ice cream (yum!)

-doing crafts with the kids

-reading stories to the kids and teaching my five-year-old to read

And just yesterday, I decided to landscape the front yard.

Now, those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that my family rent our home, and over the years, I've always had to tell myself, "Don't get too attached. You'll only be here for a few years."

This was partly for my own good. When I first got married, after having moved from house to house all my life, I dreamed of buying a home and living in it until I died. When our attempts to purchase a house failed several times, I had to let that dream go. God taught me that my home is not found in a location, but in the people in my life–my husband, my children, my friends, and my church.

But the down side of a "temporary" home is that I didn't want to invest in anything long term.

"Should I start a garden? Nah, we might have to move in the summer."

We always knew that the owners of this house plan to move in some day. When they deiced to chop down the only tree in the front yard, there wasn't anything I could do abut it. When the sprinkler system broke and the lawn died, I just thought, "Oh well." Every summer, when the lease-end date approached, I found it harder and harder to put my energy into the house.

Then this year, the owners gave us a two-year lease. And maybe it's because I'm feeling listless for the lock-down, or maybe I just grew tired of looking at my dead lawn, but I decided to beautify the front of the house. Even with only a few pots of fruit trees and bright flowers and several bags of mulch, I was able to make my brown yard into something colorful, cheery, and life-giving.

And here's the lesson I learned as I stepped back to look at the beautiful greenery:

Just because a home is temporary doesn't mean I shouldn't care. It's easier to be apathetic and do nothing, but I can add to the beauty, no matter where I am.

And that goes for my temporary home on earth too. There are days (especially in recent months) when I just want to say, "I don't care anymore." I know that life here is short and something better awaits for me. So why try to fix anything here on earth?

But God wants us to be His hands and feet here. He wants us to bring beauty and light to the world, though sometimes we would rather hide for the darkness. Even if I live to be 101, I want to always be doing what I can to share God's love and joy with others.

How can you add to the beauty today?

Purpose in the Futility

"Do I even need to get dressed anymore?"

A popular question nowadays. It makes me wonder if I'm being a bad mom for making my kids dress everyday, and more on Sundays.

But I get it. The novelty of wearing PJs all day (or at least pajama bottoms when we have conference calls) is diminishing. Here in California, we have been sheltering in place for 5 weeks, and for some of us, there just doesn't seem to be a purpose in our days anymore. We get out of bed... for what? Read some books, watch some TV, eat some food, look at the news on Covid-19, go back to bed, do it again the next day. 

If you are feeling this way–listless, bored, purposeless, teetering on the edge of depression–I hope to encourage you with stories of some well-known biblical heroes, namely Joseph, Esther, and Daniel.

Joseph was sold into slavery, living in Egypt, miles away from his family.

Esther, a Jewish girl growing up under Persian rule, was taken to be a part of the Persian king's harem.
Daniel was taken captive to live in Babylon under King Nebuchednezzar.

These three people all had reasons to be depressed. Their lives were turned upside down. They were far from their families. And they were in situations where they had to act under compulsion, or lose their heads. Surely they had days when they wondered, "Why? Why should I do this? Why should I even get up today?" It was difficult for them to see the purpose in what they were doing, or the purpose in what God was doing.

And yet, Joseph, Esther, and Daniel not only carried on, day by day, they excelled in their work. 

Joseph became the overseer of all his master's property.

Esther was chosen to be the new queen.
Daniel was a high advisor to king.

They had every reason to give in to their depression and trudge through their day, but they didn't. And God, with His purpose, used them in amazing ways! Genesis 39:3 tells us this about Joseph, "His master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord caused all that he did to succeed in his hands." A few chapters later, the Bible tells us that "Pharaoh said to his servants, 'Can we find a man like this, in whom is the Spirit of God?'" (Genesis 41:38 ESV)

And what was the result?

Joseph's reputation proceeded him and he eventually became the overseer of Pharaoh's property and saved the kingdom from a famine.

Likewise, Esther did her queenly duties and found favor with  the King, saving the Jewish people from genocide.
Daniel faithfully served the King Nebuchadnezzar, and his son Darius, who decreed that the kingdom will serve only Daniel's God after Daniel survived the lions' den. 

These past five weeks, I've been tempted to give in to depression. I'm just a suburban mom, not a nurse or doctor on the front lines. I certainly won't be saving the world by teaching piano lessons and making videos of my family singing! But we don't know God's purpose in all this. Our story, like the stories of Joseph, Esther, and Daniel, is much bigger than us. God is with us, He does have a purpose, and we can excel in spite of the situation! We can shine His light!

Galatians 6:9-10 reminds us: "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."

So here are some ideas to help you (as they have helped me) find purpose in your day:

1) Look heavenward and outward. Keep focused on God. Brainstorm ways to aid others.

1) Get out of your pajamas. What you wear can affect your mental outlook. 

2) Set up a plan to do something everyday–read the Bible,  call someone, or dig deeper into the Word with videos like the Bible Project.

3) Go outside and take in God's majesty. Take a walk. Or just step out onto your front step and look up at the sky. Read a book or eat lunch outside. The change of scenery and the fresh air will revive you.

4) Find reasons to celebrate: birthdays, half-birthdays, losing a first tooth, whatever! 

3) Send cards of encouragement, especially to those who are alone. Many residents in senior care homes cannot leave their rooms at this time. There are also people hurting in deeper ways right now. My friend's wife is in hospice care, and he can only visit her from afar. And I can't even offer a shoulder for him to cry on! Another friend's daughter is a first year out of medical school. She is caring for Covid-19 patients and recently lost her first patient. A gentle note reminds them that they are not alone.

4) Pick up a new hobby. Then use the new hobby to encourage people. My friend Angie has always wanted to learn how to watercolor, so she looked up some YouTube videos and started making these!

5) Healthcare workers, delivery people, and others in essential businesses are working long, taxing hours. If you have neighbors in these fields, offer to help with their grocery shopping, or bring them a meal. Put out snacks, wrapped toilet paper, face masks, or hand sanitizer on your porch for delivery people to take with them.

6) Do some research and see how you can help locally. Our local shelter for abused women and children needs food donations. The blood bank still needs blood.

7) Many missionaries are seeing situations more dire than ours, where families are out of work and starving, or children are basically orphans because their family is in the hospital. Contact missionaries through your church, Compassion International, World Vision, or other Christian organizations and ask how you can help.

Little Ones to Him Belong

I was singing lullabies to my one-year-old when I was suddenly overwhelmed by the words coming out of my mouth.

Little ones to Him belong

They are weak but He is strong

Just the thought of the children suffering in my own neighborhood and around the world brings me to tears.

Almost every day I wish I could adopt a beautiful child from China or Africa. I wish I had the ability to do foster care or adopt domestically. God gave me eight amazing children to care for, and they surely need to be my first priority, but I wouldn't even hesitate to add to the number if I could. There are too many children out there who need a real loving family.

Just to give you an idea of how real this need is, here are some statistics about children growing up in the U.S. foster care system:

-71% of girls who age out of the system will be pregnant by the age 21
-50% of children who age out of the system will develop a substance dependence
-60% of child sex trafficking victims recovered in 2013 were children from foster care
-33% of children who age out of the system become homeless

The good news is that I have recently learned about two organizations that may allow me to help, in small ways. 

The first is Foster the Bay, a Bay Area organization that works with churches to build a support system for foster families. They started 3 years ago, when a social worker approached a group of pastors and said that there was a need for more foster families, could you help? Right now, there are twice as many foster children as there are families who can take them in. The goal of Foster the Bay is to see the number of children waiting for foster homes go down by raising awareness and help through local churches. Imagine, with the high number of churches in this area, if every church fostered one child, what a difference that would make! I attended an informational meeting this morning and I am excited to take part in the work they do! My family isn't able to foster, but we can definitely be a support for a family that will be fostering.

The second is Safe Families, a nation-wide non-profit organization that strives to keep families together by helping through the difficult times. If a parent is unable to take care of a child but has no outside support, he/she can get help through Safe Families to get counseling or rehab or rest while the child is safely, and temporarily, being taken care of. The child may stay with a host family for a weekend, or a month. The maximum length is one year and the goal is always to reunite the child with the parent. Check out the Safe Families website to see if there is a location near you.

Maybe this post will inspire you to do something that you've never thought about doing before. Look into adoption and foster care. Pray about it. Make the sacrifices. We were ourselves adopted to into God's family–what better gift then could we give a little one?

Piano Lessons

I apologize for not writing since February. I had every intention to write, but March has been a whirlwind… seven sick children, a new baby born on the 4th, more sick children…

Then I found this essay amongst my writings, and it's a good one (if you don't mind my saying so). If I had a list of top 5 life lessons learned in my 39 years so far of living, this would be one of them: wherever God puts me, I am there for a reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Piano Lessons

I was young.

I was naive.

I was in need of money.

All good excuses, but that’s what they were, nothing but excuses. I should have done better, even if I hated the job. 

Stuck in a closet of a room with a piano and a kid who was somehow coerced into coming was not my idea of fun. For thirty long minutes, I listened as the student stumbled through Bach and tripped through Mozart. Good thing Beethoven’s already deaf, I thought, because he would wish he was after hearing this rendition of the ‘Moonlight Sonata’.

Finally, the hands of the clock gave me permission to release my prisoner. I watched through the window as the student ran to the awaiting car, away from my chamber of torture. Oh, how I too longed to feel the breeze on my skin and sunshine on my hair!

But tick tick tick, there was another student, another lesson, another few dollars to pay for gas.

I worked this job for five months, always hating it. I hated the fact that I had graduated from college with a degree in music but all my passion, ambition, and idealism were demoted to tinkling on a piano. I hated the fact that my working hours started when everyone else’s was just ending. Most of all, I hated the fact that not one of my students really, truly loved music, that it did not sing in their bones, course through their veins, or haunt their dreams. Music, for me, needed to be a matter of life and death. 

But I could not inspire my students anymore than a match can set fire to an ice cube. They came and they went, without consistency or commitment. Just as I was learning their names, they were gone. 

Yes, I was a cynic. I admit it now. I had graduated from Berkeley with a Bachelor of Arts in cynicism. But I was a dependable cynic. Every week, I was in that closet of a room with a piano, ready to teach.

In comes a new student. Anyone could see from his face that he would rather be on a baseball diamond or a football field than sitting at a piano. I didn’t even try Bach or Beethoven with him. I went straight to the Star Wars Piano Music for Beginners. He didn’t love it, but he at least worked through it. We’ll see how it goes next week, was my thought. If he comes back.

And he did come back. He must have been bribed. I could tell that he hadn’t practice. We tried the Star Wars music again. Okay, lesson done. We’ll see how it goes next week, I thought again, if he comes back.

The next week, he didn’t come back. I wasn’t surprised. (Did I mention that I was a cynic?) His time slot was filled by a new student, Barbara. Barbara was not what I expected. She was genuinely happy to see me. In her early 60s, retired, and ready to tackle something new, she came in with energy to spare. We started our lessons as all lessons started, and thirty minutes were over in a flash. Refreshing, to have a student who wasn’t dragged in by a herd of elephants, but I was hardened already. She won’t last, I told myself. I’ve seen it before: start lessons on a whim, but quit when you can’t play like a pro in four weeks.

I patted myself on the back when, four weeks later, Barbara didn’t come for her lesson.

Too bad, I enjoyed her, I thought. And too bad, I was stuck at work for thirty minutes and not getting paid for it.

I left my closet to find my boss.

“Hey, Rita, I forgot to tell you. About Barbara...”

Oh, I know, she decided she needed a different hobby, I sneered in my mind.

“…about Barbara... she died a few days ago.”

I stopped breathing. “...it was sudden, in her sleep, her daughter called...” none of that mattered. I returned to my closet, shut the door, and sat at the piano, the very piano where, only seven days ago, Barbara had sat and played. In all my idealism, I never thought that this would really become a matter of life and death.

And what were my last words to her?

“See you next week.”

Or, maybe... “Keep practicing!”

What would I have said instead, if I had known?

“Barbara, you are my best student. I enjoy our lessons immensely.”

Sounds overly sincere, the very opposite of cynical, but those were my thoughts, were they not?

But I chose not to express them. 

No, I chose not to give any more than the minimum required, when I should have given all of myself, tap danced on top of the piano for her, baked her lemon bars, brought in CDs to listen to together, our hearts melting at the genius of Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven. No, I had thirty minutes every week with Barbara, and I threw them away.

I saw her only as a student, a paycheck, another lesson, when she was so much more: a mother, a grandmother, a friend, a human being. She was an inspiration, to strive to learn piano when most people would say, “It’s too late!” She was a music lover, to desire the key to music-making when others would say, “You’re wasting your time.” But she didn’t waste her time, not on piano lessons, not at my piano. For she taught me, when I was full of longing to be elsewhere, full of pride and apathy, full of myself. She had less to regret in her last week of living than I had in my last thirty minutes of teaching. She was the match that set an ice cube on fire. 

My ice cube.

Soon after Barbara’s death, I was hired to teach at a local junior and senior high school. I told my boss that I had to resign because I couldn’t juggle both jobs. He mentioned something to me about Barbara.

“Yes, I’ll miss her,” I responded. Because I’ll never forget her.

My new job was rough, my new classroom a little more than a closet. Instead of a piano, I had desks, textbooks, and a white board, and instead of one unenthusiastic student, I had twenty at a time. But for fifty minutes a day, five days a week, I gave all of me. My enthusiasm permeated the room like perfume, my fervor set them on fire. Even the most apathetic of students could not discourage me. And after finishing one quarter with a class of seventh-graders, I sat down and wrote a ‘thank you’ note to each of my students. I did the same with my high-school choir at the end of the year, my music class the next year, my graduates at the end of my third year. Whenever I had the chance, I told my students how much I enjoyed them, what potential they held, and how they made me smile, whether it took one minute, thirty minutes, or fifty minutes to do so.

There were no excuses anymore.

Giving Up My Passion

One mellow Monday morning, I was enjoying giant cinnamon rolls and good conversation at my friend Susan's house. My sweet tooth satisfied, I moved to the carpet with my baby and caught up with my friend Paul whom I had not seen for several months.

"Are you writing anything right now?" I asked him.

He looked up at the ceiling for a moment. "No, not really. I'm reworking some poems, but I'm not writing anything new."

And because my friend not only writes but performs spoken word as well, I asked the next obvious question.

"Oh, have you been performing then?"

He looked up at the ceiling again. "No…"

I waited to give him time (always a good thing to practice when listening).

"No…," he finally said. "I think God wanted me to stop performing and focus on some other things first. There was some growing I needed to do. When I was performing, I was so passionate, but I was too passionate. I would talk to people and feel like I was right all the time. I was buried in my art, instead of hanging out with people and caring for them. So that's why I'm not writing or performing right now."

It was my turn to look up at the ceiling. "Yes… I know what you mean," I said.

Paul had brought into focus something that I had not been able to put into words. After decades of practicing, performing, and writing music, I have come to a near standstill. I no longer sing in a choir, nor do I accompany one. I don't lead worship on Sundays, or any days. I don't spend hours on end at my piano. Once, I had considered a career in music because it was my passion. Now, it seems that my passion is gone.

But is it really? I miss music, every day. I love singing lullabies to my children and sitting down to play an occasional waltz. I still feel that some of my deepest emotions are best expressed through music. My music is still in me, but God had asked me to give it up. 

Give it up?!

Yes, give it up. Why would God ask me to do that?

Because…

when I was immersed in music, I was content to be alone.
when I was leading worship, I kept myself apart.
when I thought of myself as a musician, I wore the title like a badge on honor.

In my college years, I was taught to put music on a pedestal. In my post-college years, I cared more about the notes on a page than the people in my midst. Then I became Mom and rehearsals were too difficult with a nursing baby. My husband became a pastor and my attention turned elsewhere. My children grew older and my hours at home were filled with homeschooling and chores. Opportunities would pop up to sing with a choir or to be a part of the worship team, but they wouldn't work out. New friends and church members didn't even know that I had musical skills. I started to feel the loss, the envy, and the bitterness.

"Lord, when will it be my turn?" I asked. "What if my skills  grow dull and my talent goes numb?"

Before the bitterness could overtake me, God answered, "Rita, remember who gave you your talent. Besides, you know that in my kingdom, it is not skill or talent that matters most. There will be a time when you have your music again, but now is not the time. Now is the time to take away your pride and solitude. But I can do that without taking away your music, if you give it up on your own accord."

And I knew He was right.

Before, I could have never imagined that I would be willing to give up my passion. After all, it was my passion. It was me. It was my life.

But I see now that my musical passion is a gift from God, and any gift that becomes more important than the Giver is not worth having.

My life does not come from music. My life comes from Christ. And there is where my passions should lie.

As Paul writes in Galatians 6:14, 

But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

The beautiful part of this long growing process is seeing how God has replaced my passion for music with other passions: for writing, for people, for His Word. God did not leave me empty-handed. While He took away my pride and need for perfection, He did not take away my creativity or my talent. Instead, He gave me a joy for newfound creativity in other mediums, a renewed joy in singing for God alone, and a deeper care for people and their stories. He is refining my passions, refocusing and repurposing them for His kingdom.

God will let me know when it is the time to immerse myself in music again. And maybe, I will never again fully immerse myself in music again. It will be a part of me, but not all of me. The words of Fanny Crosby's beautiful song 'Blessed Assurance' comes to my mind. The third verse is especially fitting:

Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled in His goodness, lost in His love.

And everyday, whether or not I am on a stage or at a piano, I will be singing the words of the refrain:

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.

Chosen and Loved

This morning, I heard stories from around the world, stories of children who live without clean water or nourishing food, without education, without health care. Some lived in fear, in places where girls could end up as prostitutes or bullets and bombs could harm and kill. And what do they have to look forward to? Nothing but the next day.

I've shared about Compassion before, but I was hit hard today as I watched a video of a girl receiving the news of her sponsorship for the first time. She cried as she laughed. Her mom cried. Her dad cried. And I couldn't help but cry myself. I had seen sponsorship as an opportunity to help a boy or girl; these children see sponsorship as an adoption. What I hadn't known was that children can sign up to be in the Compassion program before they are sponsored. This girl was already receiving the benefits of being in the program, but having a sponsor meant something completely different for her. It meant that she was chosen. She felt cared for. She felt loved. She looked forward to receiving letters from her sponsor. It's more than a chance to escape poverty; it's a relationship. 

Which reminded me of the joy I felt when I first realized that I was adopted by my Father. I found comfort in knowing that I was special. I had peace because I knew that Someone was watching out for me.

…even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ… In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us… as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things to him, things in heaven and things on earth. ~Ephesians 1:3-10

Being chosen. Being loved. There is nothing that satisfies our souls more deeply. And what's even better news, for many of Compassion's sponsored children, their earthly 'adoption' leads to their heavenly adoption. Compassion goes beyond feeding hungry stomachs and healing broken bodies.

Please take the time today to find out more about Compassion and child sponsorship. Click on this link for more information and to see the video I had mentioned: Compassion

It costs less that $50 a month. And it's much more than writing a check every month. 

My Fishes and Loaves

There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the need I see in the world. When I am on the road and I stop at an intersection, I study the cars that "meet" me at this juncture and estimate how many people are in the cars, and how many families they represent, and how many stories and sadnesses they hold all together. Then I feel like the author of Ecclesiastes when he writes, "I saw the tears of the oppressed- and they have no comforter; power was on the side of the oppressors- and they have no comforter" (4:1).

Or if I simply sit on a Sunday and watch people as they come and go for the morning service, I see various groups, each with specific needs. There are the handicapped, the elderly couples or widows/widowers, young married couples, teenagers, dating couples, single parents, divorced parents, families with children, families without children, and all the children themselves– how could I possibly help them all?!

The temptation for me is to fall into utter hopelessness, or to veer to the other extreme: I want to do all that I can to help as many people as possible. Then I end up saying, "Yes, I can do that!" to everyone and everything until I collapse in an emotionally and physically-exhausted heap.

Gladly, that was the tendency of a much younger me. Since becoming a wife, a mother, and a more diligent follower of Christ, I have learned that it is not my task to save everyone. But neither is it my job to sit back and mope. And a great example of this is the story of the boy with the fishes and loaves (see Matthew 14, Mark 6, Luke 9, and John 6), which I read with my younger children earlier this week. Picture this...

It had been a long day. People had journeyed from all over to meet this man named Jesus, and among them was a boy. His mother had sent him to the Lake of Galilee to see what was going on there. And when he arrived, he was excited to see the healings and to hear the teachings of Jesus.

But it was still tiring to sit out in the sun for so many hours. The boy was grateful for the meal his mother had packed for him. No one else seemed ready to leave, and so the boy settled on a small rock and prepared to devour his five loaves of bread and two small fishes.

Then, just before he bit into a loaf, he heard some men talking.

"Even if we had eight month's worth of wages, we couldn't feed all these people!"

Jesus and his friends were going to try to feed everyone?! The boy looked around him. From his position on the hill, he could see the people stretch between him and the lake. Never before had the boy seen so many people! It would be impossible for anyone but Caesar to feed such a large crowd! What could anyone do but send the people home?

The boy lifted the loaf to his mouth again, ready to savor his mother's delicious bread, when he saw one of Jesus's friends come near. The man was scanning the crowd, asking here and there, "Do you have any food?"

The boy didn't know what to do. What difference would his two fishes and five loaves make? But maybe the man was asking for food because Jesus was hungry. The boy stood up.

"Excuse me, sir, I have some food."

The man quickly ran over. "How much do you have?"

"Only five loaves of bread and two fishes. But Jesus can have it all, if He wants."

The man heaved a tired sigh. "Okay, that's fine. Come with me then."

The boy gathered his basket and cloak and walked with the man towards the hill where Jesus sat. His heart pounded. He was going to share his food with Jesus! But what would Jesus think of such a meager meal? There was no turning back now. When they reached Jesus, the boy shakily held his basket out. Jesus smiled at the boy, took the basket, and held it up to the sky, giving thanks for the food.

Then Jesus did something the boy did not expect. Without taking any for himself, Jesus told his friends to pass the food out to the crowd. The boy watched as person after person was fed fish and bread, and even as he watched, he couldn't explain how this was possible. It took an hour for Jesus's twelve friends to pass out the food, and when everyone had had their fill, Jesus told the men to collect the leftovers– each returning with one big basketful!

The boy could have kept his food for himself. He could have shrugged his shoulders in pessimism or apathy because, logically, his food could not have fed more than three or four people at best.

But the little he had, he gave to Jesus. And it was Jesus who took that little and made it more. And He didn't make it 'just enough', He went above and beyond! Jesus is the God of abundance!

So I don't need to give in despair, nor do I need to take on the burdens of the world. When Jesus sees people driving in their cars or sitting in a church service, and He sees ALL their sadnesses and heartaches, He also sees a very different picture–one of joy and healing– "…for He Himself knew what he would do." (John 6:6) 

And the best part is that he invites me to take part in it, to have a front row seat, to be his right-hand man! Every thing I do, no matter how small, if I do it for Jesus, can be used (and multiplied) by Him to bless people. Which reminds me of one of my favorite verses:

Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. ~Colossians 3:17

I will give to God what little I have to give, by writing this post, or inviting a friend over, or watching someone's baby, or sending someone a card. Who knows how far reaching my one action can go when I allow God to be the One who saves, the One who makes abundance flow from nothing?

More than a Little Grace

I was frustrated beyond words. Here I was, with all six children, out at a horse ranch for our scheduled riding lesson, and no instructor was in sight. And this was after she had already cancelled our lessons on two other occasions. 

What was it this time? I wondered.  

We waited ten minutes. We waited twenty. My children's excitement diminished with every passing tick of the watch. After waiting thirty minutes, we prepared to leave. That's when we finally got a hold of the instructor on the phone and tried to reschedule for another day.

Some people love to give advice in situations like this.

"Write a bad review!"

"Demand a full refund!"

"You have your rights as a customer!"

I didn't need anyone's help. My mind entertained the many things I could do to relieve my frustration and justify my ill feelings toward the instructor. And I had already bought a gift card for her as a parting gift after the last lesson. She certainly doesn't deserve that anymore! I thought.

But after my anger cooled, I decided to pray for the instructor. The few things I knew about her was that she was the mother of a baby younger than my own. She was unwed. And she was trying to move her business to a different location in hopes of making a little more for her small family. She had a lot on her plate! That doesn't excuse her flakiness, but I can certainly be understanding and give her a little grace.

Okay, I won't ask for a refund then, I decided. Besides, she offered to do some extra long lessons for the one she missed. But she is definitely NOT getting the gift card.

It was fair enough. I was still being nice. It was almost the day for our final riding lesson, and I was prepared to say a polite thank-you and leave it at that.

But something prompted me to take out my stationery and write the instructor a note. 

She really is an excellent teacher, I told myself. She at least deserves to know that.

And the more I wrote, the more I KNEW that I was going to give her the gift card after all.

A few days after the final lesson, I received an e-mail from the instructor. She thanked me for the surprise gift and told me that she had loved getting to know our large family. She was especially encouraged as a new mom, she wrote.

And then I was glad that I didn't insist on my rights as a customer. Rights have their place, but they leave little room for grace. And I was glad that I didn't stop at being nice and polite. What is grace if it doesn't go above and beyond what we think is just?

What is grace, if it is not abundant, breath-taking, immeasurable and... unexpected?

Taking Care of our Faith Family

I had a disheartening phone conversation on Saturday.

"They expect you to do all the work, but then they criticize you and talk behind your back," said my friend.

Who do you think she is talking about?

My friend has been a pastor's wife for forty years, and she is talking about her current church. And to add to the frustration of the burden of her "job", she is much discouraged because she has seen this behavior in multiple churches, over many years.

No church is perfect, because, hey, people are imperfect. I am not here to be critical of my friend's church. Part of taking care of our faith family is to NOT talk negatively about other churches (unless they are teaching false doctrine).

But I do feel burdened. Are stories such as this the norm when they should be the exception? The purpose of our faith family is to build each other up, not tear each other down! How else can we share God's love and glory to the rest of the world? But how many churches slip into a routine of work and stop seeking holiness? When was the last time we reexamined ourselves and our roles in our churches? I know that my friend was not talking about me and my church, but I also know that she COULD have been. How am I doing? Have I fallen into the "church is a business" trap? Or do I see the church as a convenience store or restaurant, where the "customer is always right"? And have I forgotten that the Church is not a building or corporation, but a family united by faith? How am I taking care of this family? Am I contributing to harmful talk or unbiblical attitudes?

I needed encouragement and I wanted answers, so I opened my Bible to the book of Romans. I went through every book up to the book of Revelation, and took note of several long passages that specifically addressed issues in the early church– commands concerning the family of God. These people were new at this; they had many problems because they were still seeing each other as Gentiles versus Jews, slaves versus freemen, male versus female. In short, they needed to learn to treat each other as family. So church leaders (mainly Paul and Peter) wrote them letters and painted for them a "family portrait" of sorts. From my study, I found that a healthy faith family (and biological family too!) need to have these ten qualities:

1) Acceptance and appreciation of individual's differences
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:3-5
How many of us like having a sibling that is always deemed as the more talented, more good-looking, and more important member of the family? In a healthy family, everyone has something to contribute, and no one is seen as being better than anyone else. Same with our faith family.

2) Devotion
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality… Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12: 10, 13, 15
Families are strongest when the members know that they will never be suddenly abandoned, no matter what. We need to be there for our faith family, even when times are rough and people are hard to love.

3) Not being judgmental or critical
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister… Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14: 13, 19
Unconditional love means doing what is best for the other person. Sometimes one must be critical (to teach, for example) because it will guide the person towards something better. This is edification. But usually when someone is critical, it is in the negative, and it is for selfish reasons rather that for unity.

4) Care
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. I Corinthians 12:21-27
Family takes care of each other. Family would not stand by and watch one member suffer and not feel the pain too. In a healthy family, members put others first and make sacrifices to care for those in need.

5) Trust in leaders
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be build up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:11-16
Can you imagine a family where the children don't trust the parents? How could the parents ever teach and lead the children? There can be no joy in a home without trust. Similarly, the Church must trust that its leaders are hearing the Holy Spirit when they are making decisions, then let them do their job.

6) Honest communication
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "in your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:25-32
Any married person will tell you this: just because you speak the same language doesn't mean you are communicating. As George Bernard Shaw's famous quote says, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Family members sometimes need to learn how to speak so that meaning, not just sounds, are conveyed to the other person. Even harder than that is learning how to speak in love and speaking to encourage, to communicate only to work through problems and not to gossip. Picture a family who never uses words as weapons. Their words soothe, comfort, and nourish. You WANT to be a part of that family.

7) Servanthood
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. I Peter 4:8-11
Everyone contributes what he/she can for the good of a family. When members work together and bear each other's burdens, a natural dependence grows, and with that, solidarity.

8) Love
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loves us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. I John 4:7-12
It seems obvious to say that a family needs love, but a person can focus so much on duty that love takes a back seat. #1-#7, if done without love, are meaningless.

9) Common Goal and Common Foundation
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundation other than then one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 3:10-11
Most families don't think about having a common goal or direction, but they should! It could be "to love our neighbors as ourselves" or "to share God's love with people of all ages." In a faith family, have a common is even more important. And of course, Christ is our one foundation. Without Him, we couldn't even call each other "family!"

10) Unity
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
A family must strive to preserve unity. Division happens without help. Groups tend to segregate by age, background, gender, preferences (or we segregate on purpose: teenagers go here, singles here, and 65+ there). Family has to work to fight against disunion.

As you can see from the verses, these ten qualities are not stand-alone; they weave in and out of each other to make a beautiful covering for God's family, for just as Christ's blood covers us in grace, God's glory covers the Church so that we CAN achieve unity and peace. 

And now, I hope you are ENCOURAGED, as I have been, to continue to grow in Christ and to care for your faith family! Whether you are a "toe" or an "ear" in the body of Christ, I pray that we the Church can be a beacon of light in the present darkness!

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12