I had a disheartening phone conversation on Saturday.
"They expect you to do all the work, but then they criticize you and talk behind your back," said my friend.
Who do you think she is talking about?
My friend has been a pastor's wife for forty years, and she is talking about her current church. And to add to the frustration of the burden of her "job", she is much discouraged because she has seen this behavior in multiple churches, over many years.
No church is perfect, because, hey, people are imperfect. I am not here to be critical of my friend's church. Part of taking care of our faith family is to NOT talk negatively about other churches (unless they are teaching false doctrine).
But I do feel burdened. Are stories such as this the norm when they should be the exception? The purpose of our faith family is to build each other up, not tear each other down! How else can we share God's love and glory to the rest of the world? But how many churches slip into a routine of work and stop seeking holiness? When was the last time we reexamined ourselves and our roles in our churches? I know that my friend was not talking about me and my church, but I also know that she COULD have been. How am I doing? Have I fallen into the "church is a business" trap? Or do I see the church as a convenience store or restaurant, where the "customer is always right"? And have I forgotten that the Church is not a building or corporation, but a family united by faith? How am I taking care of this family? Am I contributing to harmful talk or unbiblical attitudes?
No church is perfect, because, hey, people are imperfect. I am not here to be critical of my friend's church. Part of taking care of our faith family is to NOT talk negatively about other churches (unless they are teaching false doctrine).
But I do feel burdened. Are stories such as this the norm when they should be the exception? The purpose of our faith family is to build each other up, not tear each other down! How else can we share God's love and glory to the rest of the world? But how many churches slip into a routine of work and stop seeking holiness? When was the last time we reexamined ourselves and our roles in our churches? I know that my friend was not talking about me and my church, but I also know that she COULD have been. How am I doing? Have I fallen into the "church is a business" trap? Or do I see the church as a convenience store or restaurant, where the "customer is always right"? And have I forgotten that the Church is not a building or corporation, but a family united by faith? How am I taking care of this family? Am I contributing to harmful talk or unbiblical attitudes?
I needed encouragement and I wanted answers, so I opened my Bible to the book of Romans. I went through every book up to the book of Revelation, and took note of several long passages that specifically addressed issues in the early church– commands concerning the family of God. These people were new at this; they had many problems because they were still seeing each other as Gentiles versus Jews, slaves versus freemen, male versus female. In short, they needed to learn to treat each other as family. So church leaders (mainly Paul and Peter) wrote them letters and painted for them a "family portrait" of sorts. From my study, I found that a healthy faith family (and biological family too!) need to have these ten qualities:
1) Acceptance and appreciation of individual's differences
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:3-5
How many of us like having a sibling that is always deemed as the more talented, more good-looking, and more important member of the family? In a healthy family, everyone has something to contribute, and no one is seen as being better than anyone else. Same with our faith family.
2) Devotion
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality… Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12: 10, 13, 15
Families are strongest when the members know that they will never be suddenly abandoned, no matter what. We need to be there for our faith family, even when times are rough and people are hard to love.
3) Not being judgmental or critical
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister… Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14: 13, 19
Unconditional love means doing what is best for the other person. Sometimes one must be critical (to teach, for example) because it will guide the person towards something better. This is edification. But usually when someone is critical, it is in the negative, and it is for selfish reasons rather that for unity.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality… Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12: 10, 13, 15
Families are strongest when the members know that they will never be suddenly abandoned, no matter what. We need to be there for our faith family, even when times are rough and people are hard to love.
3) Not being judgmental or critical
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister… Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14: 13, 19
Unconditional love means doing what is best for the other person. Sometimes one must be critical (to teach, for example) because it will guide the person towards something better. This is edification. But usually when someone is critical, it is in the negative, and it is for selfish reasons rather that for unity.
4) Care
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. I Corinthians 12:21-27
Family takes care of each other. Family would not stand by and watch one member suffer and not feel the pain too. In a healthy family, members put others first and make sacrifices to care for those in need.
5) Trust in leaders
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be build up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:11-16
Can you imagine a family where the children don't trust the parents? How could the parents ever teach and lead the children? There can be no joy in a home without trust. Similarly, the Church must trust that its leaders are hearing the Holy Spirit when they are making decisions, then let them do their job.
6) Honest communication
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "in your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:25-32
Any married person will tell you this: just because you speak the same language doesn't mean you are communicating. As George Bernard Shaw's famous quote says, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Family members sometimes need to learn how to speak so that meaning, not just sounds, are conveyed to the other person. Even harder than that is learning how to speak in love and speaking to encourage, to communicate only to work through problems and not to gossip. Picture a family who never uses words as weapons. Their words soothe, comfort, and nourish. You WANT to be a part of that family.
7) Servanthood
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. I Peter 4:8-11
Everyone contributes what he/she can for the good of a family. When members work together and bear each other's burdens, a natural dependence grows, and with that, solidarity.
8) Love
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loves us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. I John 4:7-12
It seems obvious to say that a family needs love, but a person can focus so much on duty that love takes a back seat. #1-#7, if done without love, are meaningless.
9) Common Goal and Common Foundation
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundation other than then one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 3:10-11
Most families don't think about having a common goal or direction, but they should! It could be "to love our neighbors as ourselves" or "to share God's love with people of all ages." In a faith family, have a common is even more important. And of course, Christ is our one foundation. Without Him, we couldn't even call each other "family!"
10) Unity
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
A family must strive to preserve unity. Division happens without help. Groups tend to segregate by age, background, gender, preferences (or we segregate on purpose: teenagers go here, singles here, and 65+ there). Family has to work to fight against disunion.
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. I Corinthians 12:21-27
Family takes care of each other. Family would not stand by and watch one member suffer and not feel the pain too. In a healthy family, members put others first and make sacrifices to care for those in need.
5) Trust in leaders
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be build up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:11-16
Can you imagine a family where the children don't trust the parents? How could the parents ever teach and lead the children? There can be no joy in a home without trust. Similarly, the Church must trust that its leaders are hearing the Holy Spirit when they are making decisions, then let them do their job.
6) Honest communication
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "in your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:25-32
Any married person will tell you this: just because you speak the same language doesn't mean you are communicating. As George Bernard Shaw's famous quote says, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Family members sometimes need to learn how to speak so that meaning, not just sounds, are conveyed to the other person. Even harder than that is learning how to speak in love and speaking to encourage, to communicate only to work through problems and not to gossip. Picture a family who never uses words as weapons. Their words soothe, comfort, and nourish. You WANT to be a part of that family.
7) Servanthood
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. I Peter 4:8-11
Everyone contributes what he/she can for the good of a family. When members work together and bear each other's burdens, a natural dependence grows, and with that, solidarity.
8) Love
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loves us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. I John 4:7-12
It seems obvious to say that a family needs love, but a person can focus so much on duty that love takes a back seat. #1-#7, if done without love, are meaningless.
9) Common Goal and Common Foundation
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundation other than then one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 3:10-11
Most families don't think about having a common goal or direction, but they should! It could be "to love our neighbors as ourselves" or "to share God's love with people of all ages." In a faith family, have a common is even more important. And of course, Christ is our one foundation. Without Him, we couldn't even call each other "family!"
10) Unity
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
A family must strive to preserve unity. Division happens without help. Groups tend to segregate by age, background, gender, preferences (or we segregate on purpose: teenagers go here, singles here, and 65+ there). Family has to work to fight against disunion.
As you can see from the verses, these ten qualities are not stand-alone; they weave in and out of each other to make a beautiful covering for God's family, for just as Christ's blood covers us in grace, God's glory covers the Church so that we CAN achieve unity and peace.
And now, I hope you are ENCOURAGED, as I have been, to continue to grow in Christ and to care for your faith family! Whether you are a "toe" or an "ear" in the body of Christ, I pray that we the Church can be a beacon of light in the present darkness!
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
And now, I hope you are ENCOURAGED, as I have been, to continue to grow in Christ and to care for your faith family! Whether you are a "toe" or an "ear" in the body of Christ, I pray that we the Church can be a beacon of light in the present darkness!
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
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