Where “Yes" May Lead You

Twenty-seven years ago, God asked me to work with teenagers, and I said "yes."

There's a story that leads up to that moment (which I won't share with you today), but what was most surprising was:

1) I was twenty, so barely out of the teens myself,

2) I never had the desire to work with teens. In fact, I was a little afraid of them, having had not-the-best junior high and high school experience,

3) I had my doubts. I had no "training." I had no clear direction.

Nevertheless, I said "yes," without knowing where that "yes" would lead me.

Soon after, I started a leading a small youth group at my church.

After graduating from college, I was hired as a French teacher at a private junior/senior high school.

Then I got married, became a mom, and spent about the next twelve years or so NOT around teens. I was hanging out with other toddler moms, chatting it up about nap schedules and cloth diapers.

And I forgot about my "yes," until I got involved in my teenagers' youth theater company (how this happened is another great story).

What a shock! I never would have imagined that I would be teaching music to teens and directing them in shows. And the best part is that I love it! I love working with teenagers and being a supportive adult in their lives.

But along with the highs come the lows.

Two years ago, a lovely, spunky eleven-year-old came to audition for Moana Jr. She then went on to be in The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music, making many friends along the way. Shortly after her third show, she was diagnosed with brain cancer, and two weeks ago, she lost that battle. This was heart-breaking news for everyone in our company.

Twenty-seven years ago, I wouldn't have pictured myself in a bedroom, strumming a guitar through tears, leading a small group of girls in singing Christmas carols, witnessing the final moments of their friend's time on earth. I couldn't have imagined our time afterwards in the foyer, crying and holding each other for comfort. And I never would have known that in working with this young girl, I would be asked to sing songs with her friends at her memorial service.

Her service is tomorrow. I feel nervous and anxious. I put my two-year-old to bed, then lay next to her for a few extra moments just to pray. I ask God for peace. And I hear this song in my head.

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine...

And that's all God is asking from me when I say "yes."

God and Dishes

When I was a young teen, I suddenly decided one day to wash the dishes for my mom while she was out (this was in the day before we had a dishwasher). Surprisingly, I had never washed the dishes before. My parents never taught me, or made me.

But this one day, when I saw the dishes piled in the kitchen sink, I thought it would be a nice surprise for my mom. Most likely I was prompted by a recent Sunday school lesson, something about "honoring your parents." So I did my best to wash everything and put it in the drying rack, then I waited for my mom to come home and notice.

It didn't take long for her to spot the clean dishes. 

I waited for her to come and ask me about them, which she did. But when I told her that I had washed them for her, she didn't say "thank you" as I expected her to. She said, "They're still greasy. You didn't do it right."

And I didn't wash dishes for my mom for a long time after that.

This was the memory that suddenly popped into my head as I washed the dishes this morning. I don't know why. But I see a two-fold lesson here:

1) Praise a child for doing right. There are times when quality matters, but what is more important is that the child is choosing to obey, to take initiative, or to make the attempt at something that is difficult. Rather than focusing on how well the child did the job, praise him/her for doing it to the best of his/her ability.

2) Our Father in heaven loves it when we obey Him. We hesitate because we worry about failing, but God asks us to take the first step in obedience, and He promises to guide us the rest of the way. He is the perfect Father, and He never criticizes us for not doing a good-enough job. Rather, He's the Father who asks you to do the dishes, then stands with you at the sink, gets His hands dirty, and cleans three plates for every spoon you clean (and the rest of the kitchen besides!)

Caring for Your Pastor's Wife

"Oh, so you're Nathan Baird's wife."

Those words make me nervous. That's because my husband is a pastor. His face is on our church website. He gets up and speaks in front of people. 

I'm usually just doing my thing–watching my little ones, helping out in the nursery, baking desserts for the high school events. But once I hear those words, "Nathan Baird's wife", I start wondering, "What sort of expectations are tied in with that?" This didn't bother me when my husband was a teacher. Or when he was a graphic designer. Hearing those words then usually meant the person is looking forward to get to know me, because they already know my husband. But when I'm at church and I hear those words, I imagine that the person thinks he/she has already figured me out.

Because you have to admit that in Christian circles, there are expectations of what a "pastor's wife" should look like or act like: she's put together, always smiling and welcoming, her children are quiet and well-behaved, and she leads the choir, cook for potlucks, and teaches Sunday School. In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is treated like the First Lady (in some churches, the pastor's wife is called the "First Lady"!) In some churches, the "pastor's wife" is an unspoken job description (my mom, also a pastor's wife, says it's like a "two-for-one deal.")

I'll say this outright–I hate it.

Growing up as a "pastor's kid" (also known as a "PK"), I hated the burden put on on family simply because of my father's position. I agree that as a Christian leader, my father is an example for others, but this usually led his congregation to believe two things: 

1) he NEVER makes mistakes or does anything wrong

2) his family are perfect leaders too

As a PK, I played piano, then ran and taught Sunday school, then ran back to play the last two songs in the service. I led the youth group while still a youth myself. It was assumed that I didn't need discipleship or guidance. My mom, a quiet, introverted woman, was not a natural leader. Sometimes if felt like were thrown into the arena with the lions. Simply said, this did not promote spiritual growth in me or my siblings. I'm sure it didn't help my mom either.

So now, as a pastor's wife myself, I want to share with you some insight on how you can care for a pastor's wife.

1) Give her time.

One of the hardest tasks is juggling church activities while raising children. In some cases, the children get the short end of the stick. Give a pastor's family time to just be together, at home. They shouldn't spend every evening at the church building. They don't need to attend every church event. And remember that Sunday is a work day for a pastor, so his wife is juggling children alone. She should not be pressured to take on another task on a Sunday morning. Nor in the afternoon. She may need that time to nap and rest. Pastors and their wives need a Sabbath too.

2) Give her space.

I know a pastor's wife who is a professional artist (you've probably bought greeting cards designed by her!) I know a pastor's wife who quietly serves and reaches out to people, but would prefer not to speak in front of people. And I know one who has a beautiful singing voice and is a wonderful worship leader.

We all have different gifts. Some find it easy to interact with people, others find it draining. Some love to teach the Word, others are still learning. A pastor's wife loves people (as all Christians are called to love people), but how she does it will look different from person to person. Give the woman space to grow in her gifts and figure out how best she can serve the church.

But whatever she chooses to do (or chooses NOT to do), her job first and foremost is to be a pastor's wife in the truest sense–she is vital support for her husband. She should not be so loaded down with duties that she is distracted from her role as a wife.

3) Give her courage.

The word "encourage" has two parts: "to put in" and "courage or heart." You can give a pastor's wife courage by encouraging her. Pastor's wives may look confident and strong, but they doubt themselves just like everyone else. They feel discouragement and despair just like everyone else. They may feel unsure of themselves, or unsure of their ministry within in the church. But when you see them on a Sunday, they will still give you a big smile and say that everything is okay.

So encourage them in all they do as a mother, wife, servant, leader, and Christ follower. Tell them that they are doing a great job. Make time for real conversation; ask about her heart. This is not the time to ask about her "job" or make her feel like you're "checking up" on her. Instead of "How is Sunday school going?", ask "How is your marriage?", "What are you learning from the Word?" or "Are you feeling joyful? rested? peaceful?" She may not answer (a pastor's wife is always in the difficult position of knowing how much to divulge), but she will be encouraged to know that someone is seeing her beyond her role as "the pastor's wife."

4) Give her grace.

What if the pastor's wife said something unkind? What if she got impatient? What if she yelled at her kids? What if she cried? Would this make you uncomfortable? A pastor's wife is a woman like every other woman. Don't treat her like she is Superwoman, or God.

I am so grateful that my church does not pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. As a pastor's wife, I want to be acting out of love, not out of obligation. Think about how your church views the role of the pastor's wife. Is there something that needs to be changed?

On Being the Older Woman (part 2)

This morning we had at our church what we call 'Fusion Sunday'. This means that the high school and middle school ministry leaders are on a break (or a retreat) and all the teenagers join the adults for the morning service.

I don't know what your opinion is on teenagers, but I LOVE 'Fusion Sunday's. When we stood up to sing, I could see my oldest son towering over me, and my oldest daughter on the other side of him, both singing with me. From where I stood, I also saw four young men sitting front row center. These teenagers did not choose to slump in the back row so that they can scroll through the phones during the service. They were worshipping with all their hearts and listening intently to every word the pastor said.

"Here is the next generation of leaders," I told myself. "I need to pray for them."

It's popular nowadays for people to attend the same church but separate for worship services: teenagers go here, college students go there, senior citizens can attend the 'hymns' only service, children go to the nursery. We find it easy to group with people who are most like us, but if we continue to do this, churches will either become more and more homogenous or more and more detached. And like I mentioned in my last post, we need the older generations, because we learn from them. Which means our younger generations need to spend time with us too.

In a short ten years, our teenagers will be our adults and our toddlers will be our teenagers. What are you doing to ensure that the baton is passed?

Gushing

My husband never talks negatively about me in public or in front of the children.

In fact, he goes one step further and gushes about me and my amazing qualities.

It's a little embarrassing, especially when I'm sitting right next to him. My cheeks can't help but flush pink when he shines the spotlight on me.

But I'm not complaining! I know that having a husband who doesn't gripe about me to people and instead praises me (as imperfect as I am) is a rare gift. And he has done so for fifteen years! I was starting to take this for granted when  my husband shared a recent text conversation with me.

A friend was asking my husband where in the Bible it says not to speak negatively about your wife in public. He wanted some passages to share with his men's Bible study group, to encourage them to change their attitudes and habits. He ended the conversation with this, "I struggle with it at times, when things aren't going well at home. I have noticed in the past how you talk about Rita, but could never put a finger on what was different about hearing you speak versus other husbands. But I get it now."

When I read that, my eyes teared up. What has become commonplace to me is still extraordinary to the world, to Christians and non-Christians alike. Yes, my husband is extraordinary! It's my turn to gush now! In a world that oftentimes sees marriage as a prison and puts the focus on "Me and My Needs", my husband chooses to take his God-given role to heart. He knows that his main responsibility as my husband is to accept me as the flawed person that I am, to embrace my gifts and positive traits, to forgive my failures, and to encourage me to grow to be more Christ-like. And every time he does so (with even a small comment like "You should meet my wife. She's amazing!"), he emits a light that makes heads turn.

Isn't that exactly what Paul writes about in Philippians 2:14-15?

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

And Peter too, in I Peter 2:9?

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Peter goes on in chapter 3 of I Peter to address wives and husbands specifically, that both should make a practice of being outstandingly kind to their spouse. Wives are to have "respectful and pure conduct" (I Peter 3:1) and husbands are to "live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel." (I Peter 3:7). Peter puts even more pressure on husbands to do so "so that their prayers may not be hindered."

People who follow Christ should stand out! Heads should turn! Ears should be shocked! There should be that "I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it" feeling when people spend time with us. So I challenge all of you wives and husbands out there:

The next time you start complaining about your spouse to your friends or family, bite your tongue. And if you can't say something positive, choose not to say anything at all. Then when you have time, pray that God can change your attitude towards some of the things your spouse does that drive you crazy. Forgive where forgiveness is needed. Let go where bitterness is starting to taking root. Make a list of all the amazing things your spouse does, even if he or she does them in a way different from the way you would do them. Look at the details. Look at the big picture. See this person that God has gifted to you. 

Then start gushing about your spouse! (Here's a hint: It's even better when he or she is sitting right next to you!)

God's Power Through Our Meekness (by guest writer, Stephanie McDaniels)

Meekness is not a word that is used much nowadays, especially in a culture that equates meekness to being weak. 'Meekness' does not mean 'weakness', though according to the worldview's definition, it means exactly that. The worldview thinks meekness produces men and women who have no backbone and no boldness.  The biblical definition of meekness means 'power under control'.  Jesus says, “for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). Jesus by far was not weak, but rather, courageous and bold.  Jesus walked this earth with meekness, having complete control over His power with obedience to the Father (Philippians 2:1-11). 

The question then becomes...

How do we as Christ followers show meekness in today's world where it is looked down on? What stops you from desiring this quality Jesus possessed?

Jesus, our High Priest, who faithfully obeyed the Father's will and died on the cross for our sins, was the perfect example of a humble servant. The Father's son came not to be served but to serve (Matthew 20:28). This is in contrast to today's “ME” culture of putting our desires first. As Christians, we have to separate ourselves from this natural sinful nature and consciously put others before ourselves.  This could be as simple as allowing someone to go before you in the grocery store line when you were the obvious next customer. Or extending forgiveness and grace to a husband who has said unkind things to you after a stressful day at work.  Another way could be like a mother showing love to her rebellious teenager who just spent the last hour yelling and cursing at her.  When we choose to be meek, God's power and love is made more evident to the people around us.

Showing meekness (power under the Spirit’s control) means knowing and trusting that God can use everyday events to conform us more into the image of Him. Use these opportunities to glorify our Father in heaven.  Always know God is good. He cares about us in every aspect of our lives. As we go through our daily lives, we must put on a humble servant's attitude.  Allow the Holy Spirit to work within you, for it is He who possesses the power that sustains you. 

I recently wrote a note to a dear friend of mine, and in the note I mentioned how I admired her meekness. She e-mailed me after receiving the note, a bit surprised because she never thought of herself as being meek.  What an awesome testament of how work the Holy Spirit works in our daily lives without our even knowing it!

Call the Action League! (or More On Superpowers)

It all started with my son's green hooded bath towel. He would run around the house with the towel flapping behind him, stopping every now and then to practice his karate moves on a pillow or his sister. I nicknamed the little boy 'Green Ghost', which he quickly and enthusiastically embraced as his alter ego.

Soon his little sister joined him in his game (maybe she was tired of being the practice dummy). Her towel had an octopus on the hood, so I called her 'Octopus Girl'. My husband designed superhero logos for them and drew cartoon versions of them, and the two loved being the heroes of their own adventures.

Now we have superhero names for all the children. Green Ghost, Octopus Girl, Flaming Marshmallow, the Climbist, Flying Cupcake, and Skygazer are all part of what we call the Action League. And I am Mega-mama, married to my ever faithful partner Dada-tron. We each have a t-shirt with our personal logo on it. We even have a theme song ("Call the Action League!") We don't have full-blown costumes (at least not yet) but the Action League is something that defines us and unites us as a family. When my sixth child was born at home, his siblings decided together that they all need to wear their superhero T-shirts that day to welcome him into our family.

But there is something more to the Action League. Just as the Avengers, the Incredibles, or the members of Big Hero 6 must learn to use their individual strengths cooperatively in order to save the world, our little band can do great things if we acknowledge and cultivate each person's individual talents and practice using them in ways to build each other up. As each child joined our family, he/she brought something unique to contribute to the 'team'.

So when my more serious child begins to get annoyed with his sillier sibling, I remind him that his sibling's silliness can be a gift to him. My husband likes to point out each child's strengths, not as a way of comparison, but to say, "God designed you to be you! He has a specific plan for you!" My artistic children are not artistic in the same way. My musical children are not musical in the same way. Even my husband and I are not musical in the same way! And that's just the tip of the iceberg! We choose to practice showing appreciation, rather than aggravation, for the differences that we each bring to the marriage. Even a simple "Thank you for doing that" can be so encouraging!

And here's my favorite part. (You knew it was coming!) My family is a constant reminder of how the body of Christ is meant to function: as individuals unified through ultimate grace, with one purpose– to glorify God– and one goal– to spread the Gospel of His love. The apostle Paul writes about this in three of his epistles:

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them… ~Romans 12:3-6a 

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ… when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. ~Ephesians 4:11-16

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. ~I Corinthians 12:4-7

(All of I Corinthians 12 is worth reading, especially in light of the fact that it leads directly into the famous 'Love Chapter'.)

So here's your assignment, if you choose to accept it. In your family, or your Bible study, or your circle of friends, or within your greater church body, how can you show appreciation for those whose gifts are different from yours? Is there any bitterness, envy, or annoyance that you need to confess? Any forgiveness or apologies that need to be given? And what is the action step you need to take from here in order to build up the Body in love?

Taking Care of our Faith Family

I had a disheartening phone conversation on Saturday.

"They expect you to do all the work, but then they criticize you and talk behind your back," said my friend.

Who do you think she is talking about?

My friend has been a pastor's wife for forty years, and she is talking about her current church. And to add to the frustration of the burden of her "job", she is much discouraged because she has seen this behavior in multiple churches, over many years.

No church is perfect, because, hey, people are imperfect. I am not here to be critical of my friend's church. Part of taking care of our faith family is to NOT talk negatively about other churches (unless they are teaching false doctrine).

But I do feel burdened. Are stories such as this the norm when they should be the exception? The purpose of our faith family is to build each other up, not tear each other down! How else can we share God's love and glory to the rest of the world? But how many churches slip into a routine of work and stop seeking holiness? When was the last time we reexamined ourselves and our roles in our churches? I know that my friend was not talking about me and my church, but I also know that she COULD have been. How am I doing? Have I fallen into the "church is a business" trap? Or do I see the church as a convenience store or restaurant, where the "customer is always right"? And have I forgotten that the Church is not a building or corporation, but a family united by faith? How am I taking care of this family? Am I contributing to harmful talk or unbiblical attitudes?

I needed encouragement and I wanted answers, so I opened my Bible to the book of Romans. I went through every book up to the book of Revelation, and took note of several long passages that specifically addressed issues in the early church– commands concerning the family of God. These people were new at this; they had many problems because they were still seeing each other as Gentiles versus Jews, slaves versus freemen, male versus female. In short, they needed to learn to treat each other as family. So church leaders (mainly Paul and Peter) wrote them letters and painted for them a "family portrait" of sorts. From my study, I found that a healthy faith family (and biological family too!) need to have these ten qualities:

1) Acceptance and appreciation of individual's differences
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:3-5
How many of us like having a sibling that is always deemed as the more talented, more good-looking, and more important member of the family? In a healthy family, everyone has something to contribute, and no one is seen as being better than anyone else. Same with our faith family.

2) Devotion
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality… Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12: 10, 13, 15
Families are strongest when the members know that they will never be suddenly abandoned, no matter what. We need to be there for our faith family, even when times are rough and people are hard to love.

3) Not being judgmental or critical
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister… Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14: 13, 19
Unconditional love means doing what is best for the other person. Sometimes one must be critical (to teach, for example) because it will guide the person towards something better. This is edification. But usually when someone is critical, it is in the negative, and it is for selfish reasons rather that for unity.

4) Care
The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. I Corinthians 12:21-27
Family takes care of each other. Family would not stand by and watch one member suffer and not feel the pain too. In a healthy family, members put others first and make sacrifices to care for those in need.

5) Trust in leaders
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be build up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:11-16
Can you imagine a family where the children don't trust the parents? How could the parents ever teach and lead the children? There can be no joy in a home without trust. Similarly, the Church must trust that its leaders are hearing the Holy Spirit when they are making decisions, then let them do their job.

6) Honest communication
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "in your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:25-32
Any married person will tell you this: just because you speak the same language doesn't mean you are communicating. As George Bernard Shaw's famous quote says, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Family members sometimes need to learn how to speak so that meaning, not just sounds, are conveyed to the other person. Even harder than that is learning how to speak in love and speaking to encourage, to communicate only to work through problems and not to gossip. Picture a family who never uses words as weapons. Their words soothe, comfort, and nourish. You WANT to be a part of that family.

7) Servanthood
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. I Peter 4:8-11
Everyone contributes what he/she can for the good of a family. When members work together and bear each other's burdens, a natural dependence grows, and with that, solidarity.

8) Love
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loves us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. I John 4:7-12
It seems obvious to say that a family needs love, but a person can focus so much on duty that love takes a back seat. #1-#7, if done without love, are meaningless.

9) Common Goal and Common Foundation
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundation other than then one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 3:10-11
Most families don't think about having a common goal or direction, but they should! It could be "to love our neighbors as ourselves" or "to share God's love with people of all ages." In a faith family, have a common is even more important. And of course, Christ is our one foundation. Without Him, we couldn't even call each other "family!"

10) Unity
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
A family must strive to preserve unity. Division happens without help. Groups tend to segregate by age, background, gender, preferences (or we segregate on purpose: teenagers go here, singles here, and 65+ there). Family has to work to fight against disunion.

As you can see from the verses, these ten qualities are not stand-alone; they weave in and out of each other to make a beautiful covering for God's family, for just as Christ's blood covers us in grace, God's glory covers the Church so that we CAN achieve unity and peace. 

And now, I hope you are ENCOURAGED, as I have been, to continue to grow in Christ and to care for your faith family! Whether you are a "toe" or an "ear" in the body of Christ, I pray that we the Church can be a beacon of light in the present darkness!

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

Living By Example

A few weeks back I read an article that basically said, "The worst thing you could ask of your daughter is to be an example for her friends." According to the author, the pressure your daughter feels from this kind of request pushes her to put on a good face, but to never feel like she herself can admit her fears, hurts, or shortcomings.

"Oh my gosh! I've ruined my children!" was my initial emotional response. My husband and I often ask our children to be good role models for their younger siblings. We encourage our children to be leaders among their friends and their peers at church. Have I been wrong this whole time in asking them to do that? Doubt raced through my mind and robbed me of my confidence. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to write. Guilt bubbled in my core. 

When my emotions finally settled down, I tried to think through this author's words with a clear head. I had written before on something similar to this. We are role models, whether we want to be one or not. Our choice is to be good role models, or bad role models. 

Similarly, I can ask my children to be an example for their friends, though I should explain clearly to them what type of example they should be. After all, Paul wrote these words to young Timothy: Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity (I Timothy 4:12). My children can be examples of perfect, happy people, or they can be examples of people who know that they are saved by grace, people who know that their greatest example is Jesus Christ (see Philippians 2).

So what it comes down to is this: The worst thing I could ask of my daughter is to be an example without being the right example for her. And if I am the kind of mother who cares more about appearances, then I will teach my children to do the same. If I am the kind of mother who pretends to have it altogether,  then my children will grow into that mold.

But if I am the kind of mother who can say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong," who can share about the lessons she is learning, who gives grace and freely admits that she is in need of it too, who cares for those who are weaker and smaller, whose goal is not to be an example but to bring healing to people, who looks to Jesus, then I want to say to my children, again and again and again,

"Be an example. For your friends. For your peers. For the world."

For Pastors' Wives

It has been two and half years since my husband became a pastor and I can't say I've settled into my role as P.W. I don't mean 'role' like I'm expected to play piano or teach Sunday school (thank God my church does not put expectations like that on pastors' wives); the role I mean is the day in/day out of raising a family while helping my husband shepherd God's family. There are emotions that I thought would go away after a few months of the new job, yet they still linger on the edges of my heart. Then there are new emotions, arising from situations that my husband has to deal with within the church. So, last week I met with the wife of our teaching pastor to ask about her experience as a pastor's wife and if she had any wisdom to pass on to me.

Part of me thought that maybe growing up as a pastor's daughter had embittered me in ways towards the church, leaving irrational fears and worries. But my friend helped me realize that the emotions I'm feeling now aren't because of unresolved issues from my past. How I feel is not uncommon for a pastor's wife with young children. The long Sundays and odd hours are not easy. Neither is being in a shepherding role. It was so encouraging for me to hear this that I want to pass on what I learned. If you are a pastor's wife with young children, I hope you are encouraged too! It helps to know that you are not alone in this!

1) It will be hard sometimes.

Serving God should be a joy, but it isn't a walk in the park. People will put expectations on you. Your husband will sometimes be under attack. You and your husband will want to help everyone, but you can't. The job is emotionally draining, oftentimes physically and spiritually so too.

2) You must be discreet at all times.

Being on the inside means you will hear things about people's private lives. The hardest part of being a pastor's wife is not sharing what you hear, or forming judgments based on that information. You will need extra doses of grace and love. If discretion is difficult for you, tell your husband that you'd rather not know the names and details of those involved. Find ways to be an emotional support for your husband without being tempted to gossip.

3) You will feel lonely sometimes.

Again, being on the inside means that sometimes you will feel alone. You will be viewed and treated as a leader and role model, not as a peer. And Sunday mornings, if your husband is preaching, teaching, or in charge of an aspect of the worship service means you are alone with your children for much of the morning, maybe even part of the afternoon or evening.

4) Learn to say "no" to people and "yes" to God.

What I mean by that is you should know what your giftings are and know what God has called you to do. Then do them! But not because you feel pressured by the congregation, not because you need to meet certain expectations, and not because you are the plug for the hole in the dam. Serve God the same way you would serve Him regardless of your title as 'pastor's wife'.

5) Put your family first.
When my children act out, I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. I have to remember that my children are just like everyone else's children, and not put pressure on them to look or act like "perfect" children. My husband and I also need to put boundaries on his time at the church. We don't attend every meeting, service, or event. We try to serve together if possible (like at Vacation Bible School last summer). We shepherd our children first and foremost. And most importantly, we tell our children that people are imperfect, but God is ALWAYS faithful and deserving of praise. When things don't go quite right in the church, we remind the children that it is God's grace that helps us forgive and work things out to bring unity back to the Body. If children hear too much about "what's wrong with the church", they will grow up thinking that something is wrong with God.

6) Find trusted friends.

You need friends who encourage you, understand your role, and will sharpen you and keep you accountable when needed. My two closest friends are also pastors' wives. If possible, find close friends who attend a different church.

7) Find what works best for you and your husband.

When my husband is away, a simple phone call is enough to help me feel connected. When he's away at a retreat, it makes sense for him to call and check-up on me. Recently, I asked him to call me on Sundays too. We spend the morning in the same building, but most of the time I see him only for a few seconds in the hall. Then I go home, he stays for the second service, and oftentimes goes out for lunch. Getting a phone call from him lets me know what his plans are, and the day doesn't feel quite as long and lonely.

Having a husband who is called to serve the Body is an honor. Your children will not always be young. Your husband will not always travel without you. Hold fast to the Rock, and you will be a blessing to your husband, your children, and your church!

Sharing the Deepest Part of You

I'm wrapping up July with a marriage topic that piggy-backs on the last post. Of course, it is good to ask your spouse questions like "What is your favorite meal?", but as Christians, we can go deeper than couples on 'The Newly-Wed Game'. 

I'm talking about spiritual conversations.

Several years back, I was leading a MOPs summer book study (the book we read was Creating an Intimate Marriage, by Jim Burns). We had gone through the chapters on affection, communication, and forgiveness, and I was eagerly anticipating the upcoming chapter on connecting with your husband on a spiritual level.

"How often do you and your husband talk about what God is teaching you?" I asked the women in the circle.

"Um… uh…"

The room was quieter than when we discussed the chapter on intimacy.

"Do you talk about the sermon on the way home? Do you pray together? or study the Bible together? or talk over dinner about how you are growing?"

"No…" the women answered. 

I was shocked. These were Christian women, married to Christian men, and I had assumed that they, like me, would share the deepest part of themselves with their spouses. But what I learned that day is that many people are not comfortable with that. Maybe it wasn't modeled for them. They either grew up with non-believing parents, or they were in a 'Christian home', but don't recall ever listening to their parents talk about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. Some Christians would even say that their Christian parents strove to put on a good face in front of their children, so any talk of spiritual growth was avoided. And in general, many people believe that a person's spiritual life is an individual matter.

I started wondering how many Christian marriages are similar to the ones represented in the room. These women had also admitted that they feel their husband is a 'good friend' or 'roommate', but not their 'best friend'. I would go out on a limb and say that until they are able to have spiritual conversations with their husband, they will not feel like their husband is their best friend. If you can't share your soul with your spouse, how can the two of you truly know each other? How can you grow closer, when there is a part of you that is never revealed?

So, for you married couples out there, my challenge to you, if you don't already do so, is to begin sharing the most vulnerable, most humble, most intimate part of yourself with your spouse. If you are in a couple's Bible study, that's a good start. But being in a study together doesn't always mean you are sharing with each other. If you aren't comfortable sharing with each other at home, most likely you will not be MORE comfortable sharing in a group setting. Try praying together before going to bed. Take communion together. Study the Bible, just the two of you, using a couple's devotional if needed. Ask each other, "What is God revealing to you right now?" 

Husbands, take the lead on this. Oftentimes, it is easier for women to share their thoughts and feelings, but YOU can be the one to initiate a spiritual conversation by humbly sharing what God has been teaching you. You may feel vulnerable doing this, as there is always a fear that the other person will judge, mock, or disrespect you, but this is one way to share God's truth, honor God's power in your life, AND lead your family.

Wives, set the tone for these discussions by gently asking questions and listening to your husbands with an open heart. Many men don't feel confident enough to lead and are embarrassed about sharing their weaknesses. You can affirm him by letting him lead in this, and encouraging him in his spiritual growth. Remind him that you still respect him when he admits his shortcomings and need for grace and growth. Ask him how you can pray for him in the workplace, in the church, and in your family. 

Even if it feels awkward, start with baby steps and cultivate this new habit. With time, you and your spouse will find yourselves growing closer to God and each other. And this will reflect on your relationships with your children, your parents, your friends, and your church family in ways you can never imagine!

Teaching the Gospel

I've taught Sunday school classes off and on for twenty years now. I've done puppet shows and flannel board, I've sung a fair share of children's songs, and I've seen good AND bad curriculum. 

But in my twenty years of teaching, I have never heard the message that Jack Klumpenhower writes in the first chapter of his book, Show Them Jesus- Teaching the Gospel to Kids.

The good news means you relate to God based on what Jesus has done for you, not what you've done to prove yourself worthy… 

The typical lesson for kids isn't like this. Instead, it tends to be what mine were for years-- little more than a lecture about some way you ought to live for God. Such lessons create pressure and invite pretending.

We've been dispensing good advice instead of the good news. Eventually, kids will tire of our advice, no matter how good it might be. Many will leave the church. Others will live decent, churchy lives but without any fire for Christ….

Fellow teachers, our challenge is to proclaim the good news of Jesus so clearly and consistently that no kid of ours will ever place him in a category with typical religious leaders… I stress this because if I don't, someone will hear me talk of teaching about Jesus and get the wrong idea. They will think, "Yes, we ought to teach kids to be like Jesus and to follow his example." This would be typical religion.

What a tyrant Jesus would be if he lived a perfect life and then, as his main message, told us to be like him. What a setup for failure!

I tried to find a short quote that summed up Mr. Klumpenhower's main points, but I found his words to be so important that I needed to quote five paragraphs. Even if you never read his book, I hope you understand what he wants to share. I too have been teaching for twenty years the way Mr. Klumpenhower (who is himself a Bible teacher and curriculum writer) had been teaching. Read a Bible story, find an application to the children's lives, easy-peasy, right? But it never occurred to me that as good as it was to teach children to obey their parents, or share with their siblings, or love their enemies, I was teaching them week after week to do something for God. My lessons were about morality, not about grace (except at Easter time). Unknowingly, I was emphasizing the use of our own abilities to please God, not how Jesus's death and resurrection is the only way we can even be righteous before God! The Gospel isn't about good behavior, but the good news.

I have only read the introduction and first three chapters of Show Them Jesus, and already I recommend it to parents and teachers. (If I come across something blasphemous as I continue to reader, I will apologize and take back my recommendation). The book is straight-forward, easy to read, and full of practical advice to his readers (which he addresses as 'teachers, parents, grandparents, youth leaders, anyone') on how to weave the Gospel message into every Sunday school lesson (or personal/family devotion time). I also appreciate Mr. Klumpenhower's humble admittance to making the same mistakes most Sunday school teachers make, and his reminders to teachers of all experience levels that ultimately, it is not our perfection in the classroom that draws our students to Christ. Which brings us back to the heart of the Gospel-- 

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved… through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast. ~Ephesians 2:4-5, 8-9

Now that is good news!

Caring for your P.W.W.Y.C.

Okay, I'm not so good with acronyms.

P.W.W.Y.C. stands for Pastor's Wives With Young Children. I couldn't think of any other way to say it. If you have an idea, feel free to share it with me!

But first, let me tell you how I got the idea for this post.

A few years back, when my family first started attending our church, I was looking for moms with whom to connect. It wasn't difficult, since our church has a MOPS group and plenty of homeschooling families, but there were two moms in particular that I wanted to get to know because I thought we would have much in common. One was the wife of the music pastor, and the other was the wife of the junior high pastor.

But all my attempts seemed to fail. I would see them in the hall, and say 'hi' but they wouldn't stop to talk. I tried to invite them over for dinner, but somehow our schedules wouldn't work. I thought maybe they just weren't interested, or had too much to do, or whatever, but I NEVER thought that it was because they were P.W.W.Y.C.

Now that I'm a pastor's wife myself I know what it is like to be in their shoes. On Sundays, my husband leaves around 7am or 8am, depending on what he has going on that morning. I make breakfast (or put cereal in bowls) and herd all my children into their clothes and out the door in time (or not) for the 9am service. Once at church, we park and walk like a line of ducks across the busy parking lot to the church building, where then I have to drop each of the younger children off at his/her classroom. Sometimes my 4-year-old clings to me and screams because he doesn't want to go. So either I spend a few minutes convincing him, or just allow him to join me in the service. Finally, I make it into the sanctuary and look around for a seat. After the service, I round up my children again, and do the duck walk back to the car. I might have caught a glimpse of my husband somewhere in there.

When I first became a pastor's wife, I hated Sunday mornings. I missed my husband. I missed having a calm and peaceful Sunday morning. If one child was sick, I stayed home with all the kids. I asked my sister-in-law (also a pastor's wife) if that was what Sundays were like for her, and she said, "Yep. You're lucky if you make it to service twice in a month." Sundays, what had been a day of rest, had become a work day for our family.

The other P.W.W.Y.C. are in the same boat as me, but at least I have older children to help me out and 10+ years of experience as a mom to fall back on. When I tried to talk to these other moms, they seemed distracted, because they were-- trying to keep track of their children in a busy hall. I'm sure I'm the same way! They sometimes seemed frazzle, probably because they had a rough morning, or a late night doing some ministry project, but still somehow made it to church. P.W.W.Y.C. have mornings when they would rather stay home from church, but feel the need to go anyway (at least I do). They love supporting their husbands' work (and many of them would  never trade ministry for another line of work), but they are up at nights with their children, or work part-time to help make ends meet, AND still strive to make time to do their own ministry.

So if you have a P.W.W.Y.C. in your church, see what you can do to help her out. It can be as simple as supporting her as she is learning about herself as a new mom, or trying one of these:

1) Get to know them outside of church.
It is easy to assume certain things about a pastor's wife. But do you know what her hobbies are? Do you know if she is part of a Bible study? Does she have family in the area? How is she adjusting to her role as a P.W.? Invite the family over for dinner or lunch.

2) Offer them help in the parking lot.
Many P.W.s are "single moms" on Sunday mornings. Who knows what it took for them to make it even to the church parking lot! So if you see a P.W. trying to carry an infant carseat and walk a toddler from the car to the church front door, don't hesitate to help them on the last leg of their journey!

3) Offer them a seat next to you on Sundays.
Again, with their husbands either teaching, or leading music, or serving somewhere else in the church building, P.W.s don't often sit with their husbands in service. If there is an empty seat next to you, let them know.

4) Offer to babysit.
This is especially important if the pastor and P.W. have no relatives in the area to help them out. Once you've establish a good relationship with your P.W. and her family, I doubt she'll turn down a babysitting offer. Some P.W.s would love a chance to have some quiet time alone, or an hour to join a Bible study. And of course, date night is never a bad idea! Support their marriage by giving the couple a break from their young children to reconnect over dinner at a nice restaurant. 

5) Pray for them.
Ministry is never 9-5. Any set church ministry hours are usually on weekends or in the evenings. Then there is all the ministry that is not set: counseling people, preparing for teaching and training, studying the Word. Pastors NEVER leave their work at the office; they carry it in their hearts. And for pastors with young children, this means learning to balance work with family time. Pastors are not immune to overworking, divorce, or neglecting their children. They desperately need prayer to keep their families strong.

Raising P.K.s

About a week ago, I realized something.

My children are P.K.s. (For those of you not familiar with the term, it means 'pastor's kid'.)

I had overheard my husband asking my children if they were willing to share what they had learned in Sunday School with our Friday night Bible study group. (Our group is unique in that all the children sit with us as we study, rather than go to another room to play or watch videos.) Hearing my husband's words brought back memories of my parents calling me over to meet adults, asking me to fill in as teacher or pianist, or telling me that I 'have to' wear a dress to church. There was always some expectation of me as a P.K.

Naturally, I grew up thinking that being a P.K. was the worst thing possible, and it was something that I never wished upon my own children. But becoming a pastor's wife has taught me something-- that we can choose to live by the world's definitions, or we can live by God's definitions. We can be bound by the world's expectations, or we can live as God intended us to live. We can take the idea of P.K. and make it into a legalistic prison for our children, or we can search for God's intent for us as parents.

So now my definition of P.K. has changed. It no longer means children of ordained pastors, who must always smile, be quiet and polite, and wear a shirt and tie or dress and tights on Sunday. They aren't the ones singled out to be an example for other children, the ones who are disciplined more harshly, or the ones who are expected to always take the lead. A P.K. should be every Christian's child, because every Christian should teach their children to be kind, to be servant-leaders and role models for the other children (and sometimes adults), and that they are a valid and vital part of the Body and participants in worship. A P.K. doesn't have to have all the right answers, but he or she should be learning and growing in the Word. He or she is not a perfect child, but one who is learning right from wrong, hand in hand with discipline and grace.

As parents, we have been ordained to be pastors of our families, shepherds of our little flocks. Remember that as you care for your children, your P.K.s, day in and day out.

Ordinary No More (Part 1 of 3)

I spent most of my life trying to be ordinary.

In junior high, I didn't want to get 'free' lunches because nobody else did. As soon as I could, I started bringing my own squishy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When girls hair-sprayed their bangs to stand at least two inches above their heads, I did the same. When 'pegging' your pants was in, I did that too. (This was the 80's; we did some strange things.) I wished I lived in a big, beautiful house like my friends, and had parents with ordinary jobs like my friends' parents. If I could have become Caucasian, I would have too.

In high school, I still tried my best to blend in. I switched to contact lenses and started wearing make-up. When none of my friends wanted to join the choir, I almost joined the marching band just to be with them. I thought about taking French instead of music theory, again because all my friends were in that class. I didn't speak up in class, and shared as little information about myself as I could. I didn't talk about going to church or Chinese class or playing the piano.

Ordinary. That's all I wanted.

But God never allowed me to settle for that.

My hair, first of all, would never allow me to be ordinary. As much as I wished for beautiful, shiny straight hair or wonderful, gorgeous, wavy hair, my hair did its own thing. It was (and still is) big, puffy, dark, and crazy. (One little girl once told me that I have 'angry' hair). Then there were the hand-me-down clothes. With a closet full of out-dated and mismatched clothes, I was forced to be creative. And being a pastor's kid, though there were times when I hated it, meant I couldn't hide; I was required to be a leader and role model, even at an early age. I did end up joining the choir and never looked back, and excelled in music theory. If it weren't for those classes, I would have never become a music major in college. 

All of this lead us to this very moment, where at the age of thirty-five, I can say "I will be ordinary no more!" I can forget my childhood insecurities. There is no shame in my hair, or my strange sense of style. I don't need to be afraid of people's opinions of me and allow them to prevent me from meeting new people or inviting them to my humble home. When people comment (no matter how insensitively) on my five children (because four is okay, but for some reason, five is a lot), I can smile and say, "Each and every one is a blessing to me." When they question me on homeschooling, I can speak with confidence on what God has called to me to do. And when the Spirit prompts me to take a leadership role, I can say "Yes!" I am learning to love the person God calls me to be!

God doesn't want us to be ordinary. He wants to make us extraordinary. And whatever that may look like for you, don't settle for blending in when God wants you to SHINE!


(Click here to read Part 2, Embracing Extraordinary, or here to read Part 3, Extraordinary Examples)