I'm wrapping up July with a marriage topic that piggy-backs on the last post. Of course, it is good to ask your spouse questions like "What is your favorite meal?", but as Christians, we can go deeper than couples on 'The Newly-Wed Game'.
I'm talking about spiritual conversations.
Several years back, I was leading a MOPs summer book study (the book we read was Creating an Intimate Marriage, by Jim Burns). We had gone through the chapters on affection, communication, and forgiveness, and I was eagerly anticipating the upcoming chapter on connecting with your husband on a spiritual level.
"How often do you and your husband talk about what God is teaching you?" I asked the women in the circle.
"Um… uh…"
The room was quieter than when we discussed the chapter on intimacy.
"Do you talk about the sermon on the way home? Do you pray together? or study the Bible together? or talk over dinner about how you are growing?"
"No…" the women answered.
I was shocked. These were Christian women, married to Christian men, and I had assumed that they, like me, would share the deepest part of themselves with their spouses. But what I learned that day is that many people are not comfortable with that. Maybe it wasn't modeled for them. They either grew up with non-believing parents, or they were in a 'Christian home', but don't recall ever listening to their parents talk about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. Some Christians would even say that their Christian parents strove to put on a good face in front of their children, so any talk of spiritual growth was avoided. And in general, many people believe that a person's spiritual life is an individual matter.
I started wondering how many Christian marriages are similar to the ones represented in the room. These women had also admitted that they feel their husband is a 'good friend' or 'roommate', but not their 'best friend'. I would go out on a limb and say that until they are able to have spiritual conversations with their husband, they will not feel like their husband is their best friend. If you can't share your soul with your spouse, how can the two of you truly know each other? How can you grow closer, when there is a part of you that is never revealed?
So, for you married couples out there, my challenge to you, if you don't already do so, is to begin sharing the most vulnerable, most humble, most intimate part of yourself with your spouse. If you are in a couple's Bible study, that's a good start. But being in a study together doesn't always mean you are sharing with each other. If you aren't comfortable sharing with each other at home, most likely you will not be MORE comfortable sharing in a group setting. Try praying together before going to bed. Take communion together. Study the Bible, just the two of you, using a couple's devotional if needed. Ask each other, "What is God revealing to you right now?"
I'm talking about spiritual conversations.
Several years back, I was leading a MOPs summer book study (the book we read was Creating an Intimate Marriage, by Jim Burns). We had gone through the chapters on affection, communication, and forgiveness, and I was eagerly anticipating the upcoming chapter on connecting with your husband on a spiritual level.
"How often do you and your husband talk about what God is teaching you?" I asked the women in the circle.
"Um… uh…"
The room was quieter than when we discussed the chapter on intimacy.
"Do you talk about the sermon on the way home? Do you pray together? or study the Bible together? or talk over dinner about how you are growing?"
"No…" the women answered.
I was shocked. These were Christian women, married to Christian men, and I had assumed that they, like me, would share the deepest part of themselves with their spouses. But what I learned that day is that many people are not comfortable with that. Maybe it wasn't modeled for them. They either grew up with non-believing parents, or they were in a 'Christian home', but don't recall ever listening to their parents talk about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. Some Christians would even say that their Christian parents strove to put on a good face in front of their children, so any talk of spiritual growth was avoided. And in general, many people believe that a person's spiritual life is an individual matter.
I started wondering how many Christian marriages are similar to the ones represented in the room. These women had also admitted that they feel their husband is a 'good friend' or 'roommate', but not their 'best friend'. I would go out on a limb and say that until they are able to have spiritual conversations with their husband, they will not feel like their husband is their best friend. If you can't share your soul with your spouse, how can the two of you truly know each other? How can you grow closer, when there is a part of you that is never revealed?
So, for you married couples out there, my challenge to you, if you don't already do so, is to begin sharing the most vulnerable, most humble, most intimate part of yourself with your spouse. If you are in a couple's Bible study, that's a good start. But being in a study together doesn't always mean you are sharing with each other. If you aren't comfortable sharing with each other at home, most likely you will not be MORE comfortable sharing in a group setting. Try praying together before going to bed. Take communion together. Study the Bible, just the two of you, using a couple's devotional if needed. Ask each other, "What is God revealing to you right now?"
Husbands, take the lead on this. Oftentimes, it is easier for women to share their thoughts and feelings, but YOU can be the one to initiate a spiritual conversation by humbly sharing what God has been teaching you. You may feel vulnerable doing this, as there is always a fear that the other person will judge, mock, or disrespect you, but this is one way to share God's truth, honor God's power in your life, AND lead your family.
Wives, set the tone for these discussions by gently asking questions and listening to your husbands with an open heart. Many men don't feel confident enough to lead and are embarrassed about sharing their weaknesses. You can affirm him by letting him lead in this, and encouraging him in his spiritual growth. Remind him that you still respect him when he admits his shortcomings and need for grace and growth. Ask him how you can pray for him in the workplace, in the church, and in your family.
Even if it feels awkward, start with baby steps and cultivate this new habit. With time, you and your spouse will find yourselves growing closer to God and each other. And this will reflect on your relationships with your children, your parents, your friends, and your church family in ways you can never imagine!
Even if it feels awkward, start with baby steps and cultivate this new habit. With time, you and your spouse will find yourselves growing closer to God and each other. And this will reflect on your relationships with your children, your parents, your friends, and your church family in ways you can never imagine!
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