Running the Parenting Marathon

My husband brought home a book and left it on the counter.

"Parenting Today's Adolescents", the title read.

Oh yeah, it's time, I thought. My oldest turns 12 in less than a month.

I turned the book over to look at the back cover and I saw a photo of the authors, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, with their six children.

Six children. Six teenagers.

I couldn't wait to read what Dennis and Barbara had to say.

I have heard so much about the "teenage" years: how girls get dramatic and emotional and boys grow more angry and withdrawn. I imagine it to be like running a marathon for six to seven years. And I've never run in a marathon. Or more than two miles. I don't even like jogging. Part of me wants to give up before I even start.

But there's no avoiding it. My choice is to bumble along, flying by the seat of my pants, and just cross my fingers hoping that my children will turn out "all right", or prepare myself through humble prayer and learn from those who have gone before me. The Raineys have been running this marathon for MORE than seven years. They know what the terrain is like. They know about the cramps, the scrapes, the obstacles, the exhaustion, and the desire to quit. I need to "train" with them.

Besides parenting six teenagers, Dennis and Barbara Rainey taught six-grade Sunday School for 11 years! Their book gives insight on how preadolescent and adolescent minds think, as well as practical advice on how parents can guide their children through those years of uncertainty. Here are some gems from the book:

[On ages 10-12] A preteen in this zone is still largely unstained by temptations and evil. Hormonally speaking, the child is not yet experiencing the confusing signals the body will soon send his way. For the most part, he will still listen to what his parents have to say. During this zone parents need to seize the opportunity to do two things: First, mom and dad must secure the relationship with the child. Second, they need to aggressively begin to shape the child's convictions before adolescence hits in full force. (page 20)

[On ages 17-19] Our goal is to release the child slowly, so that by the last semester of his senior year in high school, he is free of many of the restrictions of his earlier teen years. We have felt it was better to release these older teens bit by bit while they are still at home. Then as they make mistakes, we are still there to coach, encourage, and then correct. Releasing a child does not mean you stop being the protector, provider, and parent. (page 22)

[On relationship] Try teaching truth without a relationship with your child. It produces rebellion. Similarly, relationships without truth can result in a self-indulgent teen, one who is spoiled. (page 38)

[On peer pressure]  A big wave of testing hits in the first two years of junior high– when your child is most insecure. Psychologist David Anderegg wrote, "The peak of conformity comes at around age 13. At this age, there's nothing more important to a child than being just like everyone else– normal." (page 57)

[On parenting standards] We are amazed at how many moms and dad have never had a focused conversation on what the specific boundaries and standards will be for their child during the preadolescent and teen years… One Sunday over half the class of sixty eleven- and twelve-year-olds admitted that they had viewed an R-rated movie in the last three months. Many watched the movie with their parents. Have you and your spouse talked about dating, driving, jobs, grades, curfews, friends, and after school activities? The list seems endless at time. We promise this: If you don't nail down your own convictions ahead to time, your teenager and his peer group will establish their own! (page 31)

And to sum up, "The best parenting is proactive, not reactive." (page 34)

There are chapters devoted solely to hot topics such as sex, appearance, unresolved anger, busyness, the tongue, mediocrity, and false gods. The authors don't just go with the flow. They never say things like "dating is like this now, so this is how you survive it." No, they raise the bar, because, again, the best parenting is proactive, not reactive! They say that junior highers and high schoolers should NOT DATE exclusively. They tell you to not only censor what media enters your house, but to stop it all together if needed (unplug the TV, cancel the magazine subscription, etc). I could go on and on, but maybe I should just say, "Pick up this book", and let the Raineys do the talking!

One more thing: the Raineys believe strongly that parents cannot succeed without knowing their own convictions first. How can parents guide their children if they themselves don't have a firm foundation and a steady guide? How can they pass on convictions, if they don't have any? It's not too late to start evaluating where you stand on certain issues. Write down what freedoms your teenager will start with, and how they can earn more as they grow more responsible. Talk to your spouse and decide TOGETHER what the boundaries will be. And lastly, if you are a single mom or dad, the Raineys address you too. They know that single parents have different hardships, and that sometimes, single parents just want a break. The Raineys hope to offer single parents of teenagers extra support and encouragement.

Parents, whether or not we realize this, we have been running the parenting marathon… through pregnancy, labor, toddlerhood, and childhood. It is not easy. It is tiring, weary, discouraging work. But let us do all we can to prepare ourselves to have the endurance and strength to keep running, and to finish strong!