It's been a crazy summer. You can tell because I haven't posted anything since June. Our summer started off with a major play production, my parents' visit, my sister's wedding, my best friends' visit, and my husband's grandmother's memorial service. July slowed down, but ended with a week-long camping trip, followed by kids' camps.
And now it's August! Time to buckle down and focus on school prep, all the while trying to clean the house after bringing home the woods (and laundry!) from our camping adventure.
BUT...
I'm rebelling inside. I go through phases like this every now and then, and this summer, it's been especially hard. I'm tired. And I don't like housework. Or schedules. I don't really like cooking, washing, and household managing for 8 kids day in and day out.
BUT...
I do it. I do it because I know it's only for a season, and because I believe that mothering truly is a higher calling. Nothing I do in life will be as important as nurturing my children and creating a loving, warm, safe environment for them to grow in.
BUT...
there is still a part of me that wants to ignore the dishes (that are in the sink at this very moment) and spend my hours doing something else. I'm always itching to dive back fully into the world of music and art. I got a taste of this in June, when I directed and performed the music for the play production, and let me tell you–I loved it! I felt like I was finally doing what God designed me to do, after keeping myself in check for the past 18 years (yes, my first-born turns 18 this month!) and my heart jumped when the youth theater company asked me to be music director for their upcoming season!
BUT...
I had to say no. Believe me, it was difficult. I just couldn't see how I could juggle homeschooling, housekeeping, and music directing. I knew that I wouldn't "be there" for my husband and kids, both mentally and physically. For now, I still need to focus on mothering. And so, I prayed that God will give me opportunities like this again, when the timing is right, and in the meantime, I will trust Him and be patient. I know that God gave me talents to bless others; it's just a matter of finding ways to do so even in this season.
FYI, just because I have 8 kids and homeschool doesn't mean I always enjoy my full-time mothering job. It's hard. I'm not always content.
BUT...
this is what the Bible says about contentment.
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)
If you know you are where God wants you to be, you can be content. God will give you the strength to get through it. And so I know that being home is EXACTLY where God wants me to be! And from that, I draw my contentment, even as I struggle, and in my contentment, I find joy.
If you are like me, constantly debating with yourself, constantly bouncing between "buts", let me encourage you. There is nothing wrong with having the desire to use the talents God has given you, as long as those desires don't become your main focus and override God's will for you. It won't be easy; it will require years of patience, perseverance, creativity, and trusting in God.
BUT... (the final but)
it's worth it. No one else can be Mom to YOUR children. While you feel like you're just cleaning and dealing with grumpy children all day, you are doing SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
In the meantime, what to do when you feel the pull between your responsibilities and your desires?! If you fill all your waking hours with only cleaning etc., you will burn out and lose your joy in mothering. You NEED to do the things that feed your soul. And you can balance that by either creatively involving your children, or finding an hour or two every week to do what you love. Here's what I do:
1) Remind yourself of the truth (review Philippians 4:11-13). Don't listen to the lies out there. You don't need a job to fulfill you. You may choose to work (and I know how good it feels to get recognition and pats on the back) but a job or career will not "complete" you. Only God can do that. Motherhood is not the loss of identity, but the gain of a new one. Only when you understand this will you find contentment and joy in motherhood.
2) Pinpoint what you really need to feed your soul. Is it getting outside? Is it moving physically? Is it thinking in a creative way? Is it collaborating with people? I thought I missed being a professional musician, but it wasn't necessarily the performing that I miss. I discovered that I just love making music with people (any people!), and being challenged musically. Once I pinpointed this, I figured out ways to meet this need.
3) Be creative in finding an outlet. When I couldn't paint, I discovered chalk art. When I couldn't sing in a choir, I started a little children's choir at my church. When I need something to break up the mundane, I try a new recipe, play or sing a new song, or take the kids exploring in our area. You can teach a class, you can involve your neighbors, you can play piano for residents at a senior care home, you can volunteer at the school or library. If you think outside the box, you will find that there are many ways to do what you love with your children, or do what you love in a smaller setting that still leaves you time for mothering.
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