Setting (or Resetting) the Tone of Your Home

We held a potluck-cooking-dinner party on Sunday night for some of our twenty-something-year-old friends. After dinner, my husband performed a few original songs (by request) which featured our daughters on background vocals and I found myself learning how to sing an old favorite worship song, "As the Deer", in French!

When my French 'lesson' was done, my teacher– a young man from Africa– said something amusing to me.

"I need to stop coming to your house. It makes me want to hurry and have my own family."

His teeth gleamed against his dark skin and I responded with a laugh, "You'd better not stop coming!"

The young man elaborated. He sees in my family what he had envisioned for the family he hopes to have some day: music, fellowship, learning, warmth. And though he knew what he wanted, he hadn't yet figured out how to achieve it.

"That's why you shouldn't stop coming!" I scolded affectionately.

But then, more seriously, I told him that the solution is simple: You as the parent set the tone. If you want your children to know and love music, listen to music. Sing to them. Show them that it is important (but not more important than the children). My family is not magical. I didn't wave a wand one day and <poof> my family was musical. No, our children grew into it from day one.

And the same goes for anything in a family. If the television is on during dinner, or if family members rarely sit down together to eat, a child will grow up with that being his/her normal. It may not seem to matter when the child is a baby or a toddler, but it does. And then, when the child is older, it is hard to change the 'tone'.

What is the tone of YOUR home? Is it filled with the fruit of the Spirit– love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22)?

If you're reading this now and you realize that your home has become one of stress, distraction, or even resentment and bitterness, don't be discouraged. It is easy for parents to fall into patterns based on what their own parents did. Or to choose the easiest route when their child was most difficult, then stay on that route. Families today face many challenges, some big and some small; family members may spend most of their time together in the car (including meal times), look at their phones more than each other, or focus more on achievement than on relationship. But it's never too late to make changes! Parenting (and marriage) requires constant diligence, and to make sure we stay 'on track', my husband and I find ourselves needing to press the 'reset' button from time to time. 

Here are some things to do if you feel that your family could also use a 'reset':

1) Examine yourself first.

Jesus asks, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (see Matthew 7:3-5 or Luke 6:41-42) If you are on social media every chance you get, you can't tell your children to spend less time on social media. If you are sarcastic or impatient with your spouse and children, you can't teach them to speak with kindness to their siblings.

2) Decide (with your spouse if possible) what changes you would like to make.
Be precise so everyone in the family knows clearly what the new expectations are. "Television only on Saturdays" or "Computer time only after you play for an hour in the backyard" are some examples. Some situations, like bedtime, may need more than one rule. If necessary, remove temptations for your children. Remove the television from the bedroom. Stop buying junk food. We'd love to believe that our child will have the self-control needed to follow the new rules, but we can help them out. 

3) Explain the changes to your children.
Don't just surprise them with the suddenness of the changes. Tell them what to expect, and if they are older, when to expect them ("starting on…", or "tomorrow" for children ages 2-5). Be sure to clearly state the consequences for noncompliance. And most importantly, tell them WHY these changes are being made. Use stories and verses from the Bible if applicable. Your goal is not only to make short-term exterior changes, but long-term heart changes. Explain to your children what conviction and repentance is, and how even parents (yes, even parents!) make mistakes and need to make changes to realign their lives with God's Word. As Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

4) Persevere. 

It may take some time for your child to adjust to the changes. Don't give up. Don't give in. Continue day after day despite the whining and screaming. You will be tempted to go back to the "old ways" just because it will be the easier route, but don't do it.

5) Make it a FAMILY project.
It would be easier to focus on changing your children, but the idea is to change the tone of your home. This means each and every family member's heart must be in it. Don't just tell your children to go outside; go outside with them. Don't volunteer your children for a service project; do a service project together.

And if you, like my friend, are not yet a parent:

1) Don't wait until you're a parent to start thinking about parenting. 

Reexamine your childhood and make a list of things your parents did that were positive and things they did that were negative. If you're married, talk to your spouse about his/her childhood. Discuss together what you envision your family to be like.

2) Learn as much as you can from other parents. 

Books are helpful, but I think talking to parents you admire is the better way to go. Have dinner with a family. Observe how they work. Ask questions. And if you see something you like, ask more questions!

3) Find a mentor.

Being a good mother or father doesn't always come naturally, especially if our own parents were not great role models. So, if you want to know more about being a good parent, find a parent whom you respect and ask if you can hang out and pick his/her brain.

4) Volunteer with children. 
Help out in your church's children's program. Go on a retreat with the youth group. Coach a neighborhood sports team. Offer babysitting to a couple (after getting to know them and their children).

5) Practice NOW what you would like for the future.
What I mean by this is: if you want your future home to be one of hospitality, start inviting people to your home now. If you want it to be orderly, go through your things and purge what you don't need. You don't need to wait until you're married or have children to do these things! Start setting the tone of your home now!

My Fishes and Loaves

There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the need I see in the world. When I am on the road and I stop at an intersection, I study the cars that "meet" me at this juncture and estimate how many people are in the cars, and how many families they represent, and how many stories and sadnesses they hold all together. Then I feel like the author of Ecclesiastes when he writes, "I saw the tears of the oppressed- and they have no comforter; power was on the side of the oppressors- and they have no comforter" (4:1).

Or if I simply sit on a Sunday and watch people as they come and go for the morning service, I see various groups, each with specific needs. There are the handicapped, the elderly couples or widows/widowers, young married couples, teenagers, dating couples, single parents, divorced parents, families with children, families without children, and all the children themselves– how could I possibly help them all?!

The temptation for me is to fall into utter hopelessness, or to veer to the other extreme: I want to do all that I can to help as many people as possible. Then I end up saying, "Yes, I can do that!" to everyone and everything until I collapse in an emotionally and physically-exhausted heap.

Gladly, that was the tendency of a much younger me. Since becoming a wife, a mother, and a more diligent follower of Christ, I have learned that it is not my task to save everyone. But neither is it my job to sit back and mope. And a great example of this is the story of the boy with the fishes and loaves (see Matthew 14, Mark 6, Luke 9, and John 6), which I read with my younger children earlier this week. Picture this...

It had been a long day. People had journeyed from all over to meet this man named Jesus, and among them was a boy. His mother had sent him to the Lake of Galilee to see what was going on there. And when he arrived, he was excited to see the healings and to hear the teachings of Jesus.

But it was still tiring to sit out in the sun for so many hours. The boy was grateful for the meal his mother had packed for him. No one else seemed ready to leave, and so the boy settled on a small rock and prepared to devour his five loaves of bread and two small fishes.

Then, just before he bit into a loaf, he heard some men talking.

"Even if we had eight month's worth of wages, we couldn't feed all these people!"

Jesus and his friends were going to try to feed everyone?! The boy looked around him. From his position on the hill, he could see the people stretch between him and the lake. Never before had the boy seen so many people! It would be impossible for anyone but Caesar to feed such a large crowd! What could anyone do but send the people home?

The boy lifted the loaf to his mouth again, ready to savor his mother's delicious bread, when he saw one of Jesus's friends come near. The man was scanning the crowd, asking here and there, "Do you have any food?"

The boy didn't know what to do. What difference would his two fishes and five loaves make? But maybe the man was asking for food because Jesus was hungry. The boy stood up.

"Excuse me, sir, I have some food."

The man quickly ran over. "How much do you have?"

"Only five loaves of bread and two fishes. But Jesus can have it all, if He wants."

The man heaved a tired sigh. "Okay, that's fine. Come with me then."

The boy gathered his basket and cloak and walked with the man towards the hill where Jesus sat. His heart pounded. He was going to share his food with Jesus! But what would Jesus think of such a meager meal? There was no turning back now. When they reached Jesus, the boy shakily held his basket out. Jesus smiled at the boy, took the basket, and held it up to the sky, giving thanks for the food.

Then Jesus did something the boy did not expect. Without taking any for himself, Jesus told his friends to pass the food out to the crowd. The boy watched as person after person was fed fish and bread, and even as he watched, he couldn't explain how this was possible. It took an hour for Jesus's twelve friends to pass out the food, and when everyone had had their fill, Jesus told the men to collect the leftovers– each returning with one big basketful!

The boy could have kept his food for himself. He could have shrugged his shoulders in pessimism or apathy because, logically, his food could not have fed more than three or four people at best.

But the little he had, he gave to Jesus. And it was Jesus who took that little and made it more. And He didn't make it 'just enough', He went above and beyond! Jesus is the God of abundance!

So I don't need to give in despair, nor do I need to take on the burdens of the world. When Jesus sees people driving in their cars or sitting in a church service, and He sees ALL their sadnesses and heartaches, He also sees a very different picture–one of joy and healing– "…for He Himself knew what he would do." (John 6:6) 

And the best part is that he invites me to take part in it, to have a front row seat, to be his right-hand man! Every thing I do, no matter how small, if I do it for Jesus, can be used (and multiplied) by Him to bless people. Which reminds me of one of my favorite verses:

Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. ~Colossians 3:17

I will give to God what little I have to give, by writing this post, or inviting a friend over, or watching someone's baby, or sending someone a card. Who knows how far reaching my one action can go when I allow God to be the One who saves, the One who makes abundance flow from nothing?

Motherhood

Motherhood is being grateful for the little things.

When you are in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you allows you to go first because your toddler is DONE, you cannot say "thank you" enough.

Motherhood is thinking of others besides yourself.

When someone asks "How are you?" you almost always answer, "WE're doing great."

Motherhood is finding courage.

When your child faces vaccinations and bullies, you need to be brave, so that your child can be brave.

Motherhood is gaining a new perspective.

When your baby has a regular poopy diaper after several days of diarrhea, you feel relief beyond compare. (and you don't mind changing that diaper so much)

Motherhood is learning to fall and pick yourself up again.

Just like your baby, you first must first learn to flip over, then crawl, then stand, then walk. And you can't give up.

Motherhood is experiencing grace in a whole new way.

After a day of battling wills, you still want nothing more than to hug and kiss your child.

If I Wrote a Mother's Day Card

I may be a writer, but you wouldn't want me working for Hallmark. Let's just say that, sometimes, I'm TOO sincere.

Which also means I have a hard time buying cards at the store. I look through card after card, searching for the perfect message for the occasion, and usually I can't find one! Even if there is a tiny part of the message that doesn't TRULY reflect my sentiments, I can't give that card.

This can make it especially difficult at this time of year. The greeting card shelves are lined with cards that say "To the BEST mom!" But when I read those words, my mind jumps to memories of me with my mom: the fights, the tears, the times when I felt abandoned. There are still moments from my childhood that are too painful to talk about. Could I call my mom the best mom ever? I've come a long way, but I still don't think I can say that.

But my mom was the best mom she could be. I can say from my own experience that mothering is much harder than it looks; I too have made my share of mistakes (oh, too many to count!) and I have my own deficiencies that, I'm sure, drive my children crazy! I know that I am NOT the world's best mom. So if I could get any card from my children this Sunday, I wouldn't want one that gives me that title. I would rather receive a card that reads:

Mom, there have been times when I've felt hurt, 

ignored, or misunderstood by you. 

There are times when I've seen you act in ways 

that are impatient, angry, immature, and self-centered.

But I've also seen you grow.

I've seen you seeking wisdom from God's word.

I've seen you on your heart's knees, praying for those you love.

I've seen you try your hardest, until even your hardest was not enough.

I've seen you admit wrong and change to be a better mom.

And I'm sure there was much that I did not see.

You've loved me and cared for me day after day, 

sometimes at a sacrifice to yourself.

And because of that, I honor and respect you.

God gave me to you, and you to me.

Thank you for doing your best to fulfill the role God has given you.

(Do you see what I mean about my working for Hallmark?)

But in writing this imaginary Mother's Day card to myself, I realize that these are some of the same words I would say to my own mom. When I was younger, I didn't see the whole picture. It took time for me to mature, to grow in Christ, to learn to forgive and to see my mom as a person, to be at a place where I can say, truly, "I honor and respect you, Mom."

My mom is now diligently serving my dad as he fights cancer and goes through chemotherapy. She is on the job around-the-clock, and through it all, she is holding steadfastly to her faith in her Savior. My mother may have tripped and fallen often in the 37 years I have known her, but today she is a wonderful example of a faithful and godly wife. She still makes mistakes, but then again, so do I.

I know there are many people who also have had difficult relationships with their mothers, to varying degrees. Forgiveness and respect do not come easily, but it can come, with God's help. This Mother's Day, don't just send your mom a Hallmark card chosen haphazardly off the shelf. Give her a real gift: grace.

Where Mothers Cry No More

My most recent song… the first two lines were written by C.S. Lewis.


There are far, far better things ahead
Than any we leave behind
Days of peace, contentedness, and rest
When we'll be satisfied
No more longing, hearts grown sore
All that's lost will be restored
There are far, far better things ahead
This I know, I know for sure

There are far, far better things ahead
That words cannot describe
We will see goodness at its best
And our faces shine in His light
And I have glimpsed that distant shore
The only place where mothers cry no more
There are far, far better things ahead
Through that door, that sacred door

When I walk through that door
I will cry, cry no more
When I walk through that door
I will cry, cry no more
There are far, far better things ahead
This I know, I know for sure