My baby is now nine months old, the perfect age for learning sign language! Imagine my joy today when I saw him touch his fingers together, indicating that he wanted "more" snacks! His face beamed too, when I handed him his food. In that second, he had communicated something to me. He expressed a thought, and I understood him. (If you have a baby and you don't know about baby sign language, I highly recommend learning more about it.)
So, if even a baby can communicate, why does it seem that communication is so hard sometimes? Why is it that most of the conflict between my children stem from bad communication? Why does every marriage book have a chapter on communication?!
It is because, oftentimes, words are spoken, but communication does not actually take place! George Bernard Shaw wrote, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." We assume that when we say something, the other person hears our words and knows exactly what we mean. This is a very big assumption. But we all make this assumption because we naturally think that everyone else perceives the world as we do. And so parents take the time to teach their children words, but they don't teach them how to communicate. Then, when the children are adults, they find themselves in situations where they cannot work through a conflict, express their emotions, or peacefully live with another person. I am more and more convinced that communication should be a mandatory school course!
Which is why I am trying to teach my children how to communicate. Even if they don't learn anything about history or science from me, I will be grateful for the times when I was able to address miscommunication and train my children to think about how to best use their words.
What are some common "illusions" when it comes to communication? Let me illustrate them with stories of my children.
Child: She wouldn't give me the book, so I took it.
Me: Did you try asking her first?
Child: No.
Me: Why not?
Child: Because she would have said 'no' anyway.
This happens in my home all the time! The biggest problem here is the lack of communication. My son did not express his desire to his sister. He presumed that her answer would be 'no', but never gave her a chance to respond. The lesson here? No one can read minds! Without getting emotional, simply state what you need. My son could have asked, "Could I please read the book?" or better yet, "When you are done, could I please read the book?" Then if the answer given is a "no", he can then take the next step and find out why. His sister probably has a good reason. But I see similar situations happen in marriages, where one person grows mad because the spouse doesn't seem to know what he/she wants. Or the person jumps to a conclusion that the spouse is doing something simply to drive him/her mad, or that the spouse doesn't have a good reason for his/her action.
Me: Please clean your room.
Child: I did!
Me: There are still clothes on the floor!
Child: Oh, I thought you mean just clean the toys!
In this situation, my son and I had different definitions for "clean your room". I knew what I meant when I said the words, but how could my son know that unless I stated clearly what my expectations were? Expectations and definitions are not always the same. My friend says, "Let's grab a coffee early tomorrow!" My friend is thinking 5:30am, but in my mind, early means 8am. An extroverted husband suggests, "Let's have a few friends over," which for him means 4-5 people, but for his introverted wife, 1-2. Being as clear as possible is a key to communication. When in doubt, ask questions to clarify definitions of terms.
Me: Let me help you with these spelling words. They're not too hard.
Child: Yes, they are!
Me: Here, let's look for a pattern.
Child: No, I don't want to! It's too hard!
Nothing I said at this point was going to convince my child that he could learn those spelling words. I had to stop and change the conversation, taking five minutes (or more) to remind him that "Mom would never give you school work that was too difficult" and "You did fine last week. Remember how you got 100% on your spelling quiz?" Communication must be based in trust. If a person does not want to listen, no amount of words will communicate anything! Think of a debate where the debaters are antagonistic. Are they really discussing the topic? Are they saying words in response to each other, or just saying the words they want to say? In order to establish a foundation for good communication, one must first establish trust. Attacking someone with an accusation is not a good beginning to conflict resolution. If you need to talk to your child or spouse about a difficult subject, make sure the person is first ready to listen. This may mean picking a different time to talk, or apologizing and asking for forgiveness to clear the air. On the flip side, when someone tells you something that is hard to hear, don't get defensive. Take a deep breath and hear them out.
Learning to communicate well is not something one can do overnight. It takes daily practice and years to develop good habits. I myself never learned good communication from my parents, so I am learning right along with my children! My hope is that I am a better communicator now then I was when I was first married, and that I will be an even better communicator when my youngest is school age!
