The Greatest Obstacle in Marriage

As I mentioned in my last post, my husband and I recently shared with some couples about our marriage. At the end of our talk, we opened the time up for questions.

"What is the greatest obstacle in your marriage?" a young woman asked.

I was caught off guard. No one has ever asked me that question before! While I thought, my husband answered with something about finding balance between work, children, and everything else we do.

"What about you, Rita?" 

Everyone turned to look at me.

I still hadn't thought of anything. Right now, my hardest struggle is finding the time to take care of my husband in the midst of taking care of seven kids. The need to 'divide and conquer' sometimes leaves me feeling distant from my spouse. There are many days when I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mom. 

So I agreed with my husband, and we moved on. 

But later that night, as I continued to think about the question, the answer came to me. And it was the BEST answer. Yes, it is difficult to find enough hours in the day to do all I need and want to do, but that to me is not an obstacle. Obstacles are more like infertility, challenging careers, grief from lost of a loved one, finances, major language or cultural differences, difficult family backgrounds, or long-term medical conditions. While other couples have to overcome obstacles such as these, I was blessed to have to deal with none of them. So, what is the greatest obstacle in my marriage? It is... myself.

I grumble and complain when I should be thankful and content.
I answer rudely (or not at all) when I should be kind and polite.
I want my own way, my own terms, my own time, and my own space, even when my husband especially needs my care.
It's like what Paul wrote in Romans 7:19, "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

My marriage would be a much better marriage if I didn't allow my expectations, impatience, and short-temper to get in the way! I may still be in the process of learning how to love my husband, but I would definitely be a faster learner if I loved more like Jesus!

Storms may rage and life may pummel me, but my husband and I are safe in the fortress of our marriage, if our marriage is strong. I need to take care of my marriage when life is quiet and easy, and not become lazy and let internal strife weaken us. I should not be the greatest obstacle in my marriage, because someday, a greater obstacle may come our way. And then, we will be ready to face it, together.

Synchronize Your Watches!

My husband and I were preparing to go to our church and give some marriage counsel to a group of young couples. Having just written a post on communication, I was percolating with thoughts and tips, excited, nervous, and eager to share on one of my favorite subjects.

"I want to leave at 6:00," I informed my husband. "That gives us some extra time before every one else arrives."

"Okay, sounds great!" he said.

At 5:55, I was ready to go. The kids were in the van.

"Everyone, get ready to go!" my husband shouted.

"Everyone's ready!" I answered back.

But not everyone was. My husband was still at the computer, adding some final thoughts to our notes.

I glanced at my watch.

6:00.

"Time to go!" I calmly said, keys in hand.

"Okay!" my husband shouted back from the other room.

6:05.

"I'm leaving now!" I said, not so calmly anymore.

"Yes! Okay! Got it!" There was tension in his voice. Two minutes later, he came with his shoes on, papers in hand. We arrived with time to spare.

The talk went great. We had so much to say, I was worried that we would cover only half of our notes. As the ending time neared, I checked my watch.

7:55.

No problem, I thought, we'll finish a little after 8:00.

I also happened to notice my husband's watch right then.

7:50, it read.

Huh.

My husband wrapped up precisely at 8:00, but according to my watch, it was 8:05. All my impatience and irritation from earlier in the evening had been caused by a mere five-minute difference on our watches! Humbled, I made sure to synchronize our watches as soon as we got home to avoid this  type of miscommunication in the future.

You know that I will be sharing this little story the next time I speak on marriage or communication! The lesson here is this: it is important for spouses to communicate and be on the same page as much as possible. If they aren't on the same page, they struggle and clash. But if they are, everything else falls into place with little conflict, and their marriage is a strong and solid fortress.