Homemaking Inside Out

My husband brought home a clipping the other day. It was an extract from a 1950's home economics book, titled "Tips to Look After Your Husband". Among the "tips" were:

…have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

…take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

…run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order…

…take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces... comb their hair… change their clothes.

…eliminate all noise of washer, drier, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

…have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom… arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.

Sounds archaic and ridiculous to us modern women, doesn't it? Just hearing my husband read from this list made me feel tired and exasperated! (Just for the record, my husband thought it ridiculous and unrealistic too.) On any given day, I may be able to accomplish one or two things on this list, but on a normal day, if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner (that I might have on the table by six o'clock), the children are (hopefully) happily and noisily playing or doing an art project, the house is not picked up, and I don't have even 5 minutes to refresh myself or take off my husband's shoes! (and really… does he need me to take off his shoes for him?!)

The one thing I did like about this list was "the goal" at the end:

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

That is always my goal as a homemaker! Though I'm not always able to keep the peace and I'm not the most organized person, I want my home to be a place where my husband (and anyone who steps through my door) feels renewed, encouraged, and loved. I understand what the extract is trying to say, but I also noticed that the list focuses entirely on the external. What is a clean, quiet house if the wife is angry, bitter, worn out, lonely and frustrated? What is a warm, cooked meal if the husband is unaffectionate, emotionally absent, inattentive, ungrateful, and disrespected? Having the appearance of a peaceful, loving home is nothing compared to actually having a peaceful, loving home. And besides, there is so much more to caring for your husband than housekeeping and cooking!

So let's make a new list of tips. 

"TIPS TO LOOK AFTER YOUR HUSBAND" (Take 2)

Respect him

Like you, your husband has opinions, likes and dislikes, emotions. But unlike you, your husband is a man, and so has a different point of view, different strengths and weaknesses, and different responses to a situation. Bottom line–you're going to clash somewhere. But your goal is not to make your husband into another version of you. Your goal is to respect the man for who he is, respect the differences, and discover how you enhance each other and become better together than apart.

One easy way to show him respect is to really listen when he talks. He might just need to release some pressure from work. He might be asking for advice. He might be verbally processing. He might be sharing something interesting from his day. But really listen. If he's giving you his opinion about something, don't demean him or ignore him. Give an answer when needed. Or ask a question. Then share something with him. Having a conversation about something besides the kids  and the mortgage can become a lost art after several years of marriage.

Another easy way to show respect? Encourage, rather than nag. Maybe you'd like to see your husband eat better. Maybe you'd like to see a few tasks get done over the weekend. Talk to him like an adult. Express your concern and needs in a loving way, and ask how you can help remind him without nagging, manipulating or forcing.

Adore him

Your husband wants to be the hunky guy with whom you first fell in love. But when he looks in the mirror, he sees a growing waistline, thinning, graying hair, and wrinkles on his face. And that's only on the outside! Inside, he's maybe wishing that his knees or back wasn't so achey, that he had more time to do what he loves (who wants to feel like little more than a paycheck?), and that he was a better man.

So give him praise. Brag about him in front of people. Ask about his dreams and help him achieve them, even if it's in tiny increments. Thank him for the little things. Maybe it's taking out the garbage. Mowing the grass. Bringing home a paycheck. Rocking a baby to sleep. Let him know that you are grateful for him.

Know him
One thing that doesn't work about the "tips" from the 1950's is that it's "one-size-fits-all." Your husband is not like my husband. There are things that your husband needs that my husband doesn't. Know your husband. My husband is more of an introvert than an extrovert. Sometimes he needs 10 minutes alone in our bedroom to read or rest before tackling our busy family. Sometimes he needs a weekend of doing very little after an especially busy week. He prefers doing art with the kids to camping with the kids. The more I know about my husband, the better I can encourage him to be the best husband and father that he can be.

Involve him

Husbands don't always know what you need at home (and he can't read your mind!) The majority of their day is spent at the workplace, where they know exactly what they need to do. So if you ask him for help around the house, be specific. "Could you please change the baby's diaper?" is better than "Could you do something about the stink?" "Would you mind taking the kids to the park for a bit?" is better than "Could you help with the kids?" Then thank him!

Remember that your husband is growing and changing, and so are you!

Always pray for your husband. He is not a perfect person, but then, neither are you! God is growing both of you to be more like Him, and through that, you and your husband can draw closer to each other. Practice the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22)

Then rather than focus on your husband's deficiencies, look for ways that you can grow. If you are not a very organized or scheduled person, find ways to improve in those areas. If you feel anger towards your husband, work on forgiveness. If you are not a good communicator, be brave and take the step towards being more open, honest, and self-controlled.

These tips are not a 10-step guide to a perfect home. But if you practice love and peace on the inside, your home will be transformed into a haven of peace, comfort, and security for both you and your husband because your outward actions will begin to reflect your inner heart. You will want to cook for your husband. You will want to listen to him talk about his day. You will want to be joyful when he comes home. 

But that taking-off-the-shoes thing? I still don't know about that…

Active Love

Many of you are familiar with the old children's television show, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. You may or may not know that besides being a TV celebrity, Fred Rogers was a Presbyterian minister. While he didn't preach on his show, his beliefs in the value of children and the importance of practicing neighborly love permeated every second of his air time. 

In his book, The World According to Fred Rogers: Important Things to Remember, Rogers writes:

Love isn't a perfect state of caring. It's an active noun like 'struggle'. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

How I wish everyone understood this about love! My husband and I will be speaking on dating and romantic relationships to a room full of teenagers on Wednesday, Valentine's Day, and one of the best bit of wisdom we can share with them is exactly what Mr. Rogers said.

Love is not a feeling. Many young people (and older people too) equate love with the high-flying, excitable flutter of being with a certain person. But that feeling will not last. Maybe for a year or two, you will feel "in love". Then the person grows and changes. Or you see something in the person that you don't like. Or he/she does something that annoys you. Or hurts you. The "in love" feeling is gone, replaced by anger, sadness, and bitterness.

The only way for a marriage, or any relationship, to last and survive the negative times is by practicing true and deep, abiding love. This does not mean being kind to a person only what you feel like it. It is not a two-way street: I do something for you when you do something for me. It is not trying to change the person into someone you want him/her to be, or dwelling on the person that you had "loved" once upon a time. 

Love is an action verb. To love, one must act for the other's benefit. One will have to make compromises and sacrifices and put the other person first. One pushes through the ugliness that arises from our sin nature and strives to be a better person. Simply said, love is not passive. I Corinthians 13:4-7, though being a familiar, often-quoted passage, gives a great, "active", definition of love. Notice all the verbs used:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (ESV)

Valentine's Day is around the corner. Besides the usual romantic gestures, what can you do that day (and every day after) to show your loved ones that you LOVE them?