Almost-40 Me

My sister just shared a photo from Easter on Facebook. It is a picture of me with my two siblings, and every time I look at it, I cringe a little. Maybe it was the lighting, or maybe it was the angle, but either way, I look…well…chubby. Chubby and haggard.

I don't care that it had only been four weeks since I gave birth and I was completely sleep-deprived. Or that I had just eaten more than I should have. It wasn't me in the picture, not the me that I'm used to seeing.

But this is me. This is the hair-thinning, black-graying, eyes-wrinkling, almost-40 mother-of-eight me.

You'd think I'd be more mature and less shallow at my age. You'd think I'd be more wise. Actually, I don't mind getting older. It's aging that I don't like.

But let's think about this! I wouldn't expect my newborn to stay a newborn. Or my 14-year-old to stop maturing. We all change with time, and growth is always a good thing, isn't it?

For every white hair on my head, there is a lesson learned. For every laugh line on my face, a memory of a joyful moment. For every shadow under my eyes, a hug and kiss to comfort a child. For every extra pound on my body, I can count multiple blessings from God. 

So what if I'm a little wider than I used to be?

I have grown so much in the past decade. I can say without hesitation that I prefer the 39-year-old Me to the 19-year-old or 29-year-old Me. The person I am today is less fearful, less self-centered, and less impatient than before. I am now more gracious, more kind, more humble, and more sympathetic.

And I know I still have a ways to go. So if gaining more wisdom means maybe gaining a few more pounds and wrinkles, then I don't mind so much. It's time to accept this and move on, and spend less of my time and focus on my physical appearance, and more on my spiritual development. Then someday, when I look in the mirror and see a new version of Me, I'll to be able to say, "I like the 49-year-old Me even more than the 39-year-old Me!"

This is the Day!

When you were young, did you ever sing the song "This is the Day"? We sang this song so much when I was growing up that I used to roll my eyes at it, but now this simple call-and-response song continues to pop in my head at least every other day, and it doesn't bother me in the least. The words "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" are straight from Psalm 118:24, and they always encourage me to do three things:

1) To not long for the future.

"I can't wait until my son is older." 

"It'll be so much better when this over." 

There is nothing wrong with thinking these thoughts (in fact, sometimes they give me the hope I need to persevere), but when I find myself wishing for what-is-to-come more than focusing on what-is-now, I'm most likely missing out on something. Every day is totally unique and I am witness to many wonderful moments. Every second I'm alive gives me the opportunity to shower God's love on someone. And no matter how bad things may be (or seem to be), blessings are all around me, if I just take the time to see them and remember...

2) To be grateful for today.

It is easy for me to wake up and tackle the day without giving God a single thought. But everything I have is from God, from the very breath that keeps my heart beating to the magnificent sun that gives us warmth, light, and energy! God made it all, including this very day. I need to remember to thank my Maker for His many gifts! Which leads us to #3...

3) To keep an eternal perspective.

If you read Psalm 118:24 in context, you will find that its author was writing about much more than a holy Carpe Diem.

Open to me the gates of righteousness, 

that I may enter through them and give thanks to the Lord.

This is the fate of the Lord, the righteous shall enter through it.

I thank you that you have answered me and have become my salvation.

The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.

This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

(Psalm 118:19-24 ESV)

The author rejoices because God has brought salvation to us all! God has made it possible for us to enter into His presence! That is why this day is amazing! That is why we should be celebrating! He is the source of our hope and joy! And so, more than being thankful for today, we should be thankful for the Maker of the day! He has given us Himself!

This is the day (this is the day)… The song goes round and round in my head, as I fight to keep my eyes open after a restless night with the baby, as I try to stay patient while my three-year-old is throwing a tantrum, as I look forward to summer vacation and a break from school, as I push back the darkness of depression and hopelessness. God has given me today, and everything I need to get through it. More than that, He has given me everything I need to enjoy it, despite circumstances. So let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Let there be light!

Wow, this post becomes more relevant to me with each passing day, even though I wrote the first draft almost one month ago.

At that time, I was 39 weeks pregnant and feeling more discouraged, more tired, more sore, and more anxious that I had ever felt while pregnant. I was having strong contractions on and off for several weeks and all I really wanted was to have my baby, but at the same time, the fear of labor pains and my new life afterwards loomed over me at all hours of the day and night.

All I could do was try to stay busy. I excused myself from the family to run to the Chinese grocery store (Chinese food– my biggest craving) and heard this song coming through my van's CD player:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth

The earth was without form and void and darkness was over the face of the deep

And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters

And God said, "Let there be light"

And there was light

The lyrics are straight from Genesis 1:1-3. As I sat listening to the soothing melody, I was reminded that God is the ultimate Creator. He has been there since the beginning, creating and holding the universe together. And He was still creating now, in me! There was a whole new person inside me! How amazing that I can be a part of God's creation process.

And even more encouraging was the fact that God brings order to chaos, light to the darkness. I picture God's great hand giving shape and meaning to the turmoil and confusion of the uncreated universe. Similarly, anytime I am feeling unsteady and fearful, God guides me through it.

And guided me He did.

That very night, just a few hours after I started writing this post, my water broke. I then experienced my hardest, most painful labor ever because the baby was posterior facing. But after laboring through the dark night, the baby was born at 6:49am, March 4th, healthy and whole. And how perfectly fitting that her name is Nariah, which means 'God is my light'!

But we are still in the midst of the chaos. Nariah is having trouble nursing, so I pumping around the clock, supplementing, and trying to teach her to like the breast again, which also means I can't pay as much attention to my other children or keep up with daily chores. I still have moments of darkness, even more so now because sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mother, to the baby and all my other children...

Then I remember God's words, "Let there be light!" And I am reminded (again and again) that this present darkness is not forever, not when God is in charge. I may feel inadequate as a mother of eight, I may not know the reason for the timing of this baby, I may want to think that God has made a mistake (or more likely, that I have made a mistake), but those are all NOT true. God is sovereign. God is present. God is orchestrating all the details of my life, and Nariah's young life too.

So be encouraged as I am being encouraged. Maybe you are in your first trimester, or your 39th week. Or maybe you just lost a child. Or you are going through illness. We all have periods of darkness, when we wonder if God has abandoned us or if this time will never end. Remember that God was there at the beginning and that He is in charge. Only He can make something out of nothing and create beauty out of the ugly.

One more thing, if you are looking for uplifting music with lyrics straight from the Bible, check out Seeds Family Worship (and hear the song mentioned above, 'God is Creator' from Genesis 1:1-3). I am so glad my friend Ariel gifted our family with the Character of God CD. Listening to the Seeds Family albums are also a great way to memorize Bible verses!