As I had mentioned in my last post, my husband and I spent Valentine's Day at our church's Thursday night worship service. Though the service is open to everyone, the majority of its attendees are of college age. Because of that, my husband and I jumped at the chance to be on their Valentine's Day panel, which consisted of a young dating couple, two single people, and us, the old married ones. The format for the night was that we passed the microphone around and answered questions centered around dating, romance, and marriage, but questions that, if one dug deeper, were really about Godly living, no matter what stage of life a person was at.
I started out the evening very nervous and a bit stiff on the microphone, but as I talked more about the lessons I've learned, my love and respect for my husband, and our goals in marriage, I found myself speaking with more and more passion. The words started coming easier (though I don't know with how much clarity) and by the end of the night I was afraid I had been a bit of a hog with the mic. But I give all credit to the Holy Spirit. There were so many points that we barely touched on, so many misconceptions out there, that I'm praying I said what needed to be said, and that future opportunities to share will arise, either in a group setting or one-on-one.
But I have discovered through this experience how ingrained the Hollywood 'formula for love' has become in the minds of our present and future generations. I too had fallen into that trap when I was young. Though most Christians will tell you that sex before marriage is wrong, they still believe these lies that are prevalent in movies, TV, and music:
- You must be physically attracted to the other person to have a good marriage.
- Date around to find 'the One'. If you can't find that person at your church, go to another church.
- "If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss."
- Falling in love is so magical, it will change a person for life.
The overall attitude about romantic love is 'act on your emotions' and 'do what you like, as long as it doesn't hurt the other person'. But while infatuation wears off quickly, true love is active and growing. True love is about fighting selfish urges and seeking what is best for the other person (meaning God's will, not what we define as 'best'). It is humbly serving the other person (as opposed to serving out of obligation) and learning more about the person, in order to serve him or her better. Most people don't understand this, even in the context of 'loving your neighbor'.
Here is an example: I can say that I love my neighbor by not bothering him, not stepping on his grass, and not complaining about the loud music coming from his house. But really that is 'putting up' with your neighbor, not love. Truly loving your neighbor is knocking on his door, raking his leaves, and asking him about the music he likes to listen to. And that is only the beginning.
In marriage, the difference between being passive versus active in love is this: I can let my spouse cook his favorite foods himself, or I can serve him by cooking it for him. I can say "I never speak badly about my husband" or I can always praise him and defend his reputation if needed. I can avoid disagreements for the sake of peace, or I can work through these disagreements by listening to my husband's point of view, then respectfully yield to him if we cannot agree.
Another way to look at it is to compare the words of Confucius to the words of Jesus. Confucius said, "Don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you," whereas Jesus says, "Do to others what you would want them to do to you."
Oh, I can talk all day on this subject! Maybe someday I'll write a book. In the meantime, I will strive for something even better: to mentor young people and young couples, and do my best to role-model a Godly marriage, and in doing so, change their view of love and marriage.
- Falling in love is so magical, it will change a person for life.
The overall attitude about romantic love is 'act on your emotions' and 'do what you like, as long as it doesn't hurt the other person'. But while infatuation wears off quickly, true love is active and growing. True love is about fighting selfish urges and seeking what is best for the other person (meaning God's will, not what we define as 'best'). It is humbly serving the other person (as opposed to serving out of obligation) and learning more about the person, in order to serve him or her better. Most people don't understand this, even in the context of 'loving your neighbor'.
Here is an example: I can say that I love my neighbor by not bothering him, not stepping on his grass, and not complaining about the loud music coming from his house. But really that is 'putting up' with your neighbor, not love. Truly loving your neighbor is knocking on his door, raking his leaves, and asking him about the music he likes to listen to. And that is only the beginning.
In marriage, the difference between being passive versus active in love is this: I can let my spouse cook his favorite foods himself, or I can serve him by cooking it for him. I can say "I never speak badly about my husband" or I can always praise him and defend his reputation if needed. I can avoid disagreements for the sake of peace, or I can work through these disagreements by listening to my husband's point of view, then respectfully yield to him if we cannot agree.
Another way to look at it is to compare the words of Confucius to the words of Jesus. Confucius said, "Don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you," whereas Jesus says, "Do to others what you would want them to do to you."
Oh, I can talk all day on this subject! Maybe someday I'll write a book. In the meantime, I will strive for something even better: to mentor young people and young couples, and do my best to role-model a Godly marriage, and in doing so, change their view of love and marriage.
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