To Guilty Moms Everywhere

My kids ask me on occasion to sing them a song at bedtime. Sometimes I say 'yes', but most of the time, I don't. As much as I would love them to have memories of being sung to sleep by their mother, I just don't have the energy (or voice) to sing after working twelve hours. I kiss them all, say "I love you, good night!" then look forward to a movie on the couch with my husband.

I know there are parents who cuddle with their children at bedtime, or ask each and every child about their day, or pray over each child, but I don't. And I do feel guilty sometimes. We cuddle (all of us) on the couch for read-aloud stories before bedtime. We hold hands in a circle with Dad and pray. We talk at dinner, we sing songs at lunch, we have dance parties in the morning... and I still feel guilty.

This post is in response to the article about the guilty mom on the iPhone. All I have to say is, if you're going to point your finger at the mom on the phone, you also have to point your finger at the teenager who can't sit still for fifteen minutes without checking for texts, or the man who interrupts your conversation with him to 'get that call'. If you want to write about the abuse of technology, don't just write about moms. Because moms already feel guilt, whether someone points it out or not. All moms are guilty: of not being able to give our children ALL that we want to; of not having more arms, hands, laps, heads, ears, mouths, etc...; of being limited by our talents, personalities, energy levels, budgets, and basic human needs.

Like the basic human need to feel like a person, not a robot. I'm always looking for a creative outlet, because sometimes I feel like I'll scream if I have to wash one more dish! That's why I'm here typing on the computer while my five kids are doing... I don't know what. Actually, it's relatively quiet here: my three-year-old is singing and coloring with his big brother, the baby is pounding on the floor with a plastic rolling pin, the older girls are probably crafting in their room. If one comes to me with a non-urgent need, I would say, "Give me ten minutes to finish this" or "Ask your sister to help you with that" (while telling myself not to feel guilty). If all of a sudden I hear, "Give that back!" or "The baby's eating dirt again!" then I'll reluctantly leave my thoughts at the computer and refocus on my mothering task. 

Moms are on-call around the clock. Taking a break from cooking, cleaning, and playing is legitimate. Put the baby in the crib and take a five-minute shower. Put on some make-up and feel pretty. Videos help you get other things done. Tell your older child to watch the younger one for a few minutes. Call a friend and chat. Or better yet, ask that friend to babysit so you can have some desperately-needed alone time. Children need to learn to play by themselves, take care of others, and work through disagreements. They need to hear, "Please don't interrupt while I'm talking to Mrs. So-and-so" or "I can't play right now" from time to time. It's okay if they don't always have your undivided attention, and it's okay if you're not always 'in charge'.

So, to guilty moms everywhere, remember that in order to do your best as a mom, you need to balance it with other things: time with friends, a date with your husband, an hour a week to indulge in a hobby. These things won't detract from your mothering, they'll enhance it! If you're rested, you'll have more energy for going to the park, and patience for dealing with a tantrum. If you've had adult conversation, you're more enthusiastic about singing the 'Bob the Builder' song for the fifteenth time!

I will say that if you interact more with your phone than with your kids in a 24-hour period, you might want to makes some changes, or if most of your quality time with your kids is spent in the car, you might want to restructure your day. But in the end, we all do what we can, and we all take little steps in growth.