Weekend Without Hubby

Number of four-year-old tantrums this weekend: 8

Number of thirty-four-year-old tantrums this weekend: 0

Glad to see that someone is growing up.

I Have a Dream (Revisited)

My husband is on a backpacking bachelor party in the mountains, braving near freezing temperatures to bond with 'the guys'. For him to leave the kids and me and do something like that means he must really love his friend. But when my husband is gone anywhere overnight, I suddenly feel like part of me is missing. My well-intentioned inlaws even offered to take some of the kids for a sleepover, to lighten my load, but I wanted them with me. I need more people in the house.

And I wonder, what will I be like when I'm older, an empty-nester, maybe a widow? I wouldn't want to be alone, but I can't imagine myself living in one of those retirement complexes. Maybe I'll rent out my rooms to college students, or a young family. Whatever I end up doing, I can't see myself living apart from people of all ages.

With current trends, this picture of my elderly self is unfamiliar and strange. Gone are the days of young people mowing lawns for their older neighbors. Gone are the neighborhood 'grandmas' with their plates of cookies, inviting children to sit and chat on the front porch. We have more and more retirement homes popping up in our valley, more and more lawn mowing service trucks driving down our street, and more and more children staring down at their fancy phones and gadgets.

Nevertheless, I still have a dream.

This excerpt is from a post dated February 14, 2011. I read it again today, and my dream remains the same.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day we will build playgrounds next to senior centers, and that we will see seniors reading animatedly to children during story hour at the library.

I have a dream that young people will mow lawns for the elderly and carry their groceries, even when they are not financially compensated for their action, that 'retirement' means volunteering at the local youth center, and 'hanging out at the mall' means taking an elderly neighbor shopping.

I have a dream that teenagers will no longer feel awkward around adults, and that single people will not feel a world apart from married folks with children.

I have a dream that every baby will be held, hugged, kissed, and cherished by someone who sees the value of a child.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that when one enters a church, one will never feel the invisible walls of age differences, unknown standards, or established social networks.

I have a dream that every child will grow up with the wisdom of a grandparent to guide him, even if the grandparent is not his own, that every adult will have someone following in his footsteps, even if the someone is not his kin, that nobody, child or adult, will ever feel worthless and unloved.

I have a dream that all generations will sit around a dinner table and feast together, not only at Christmas or Easter, but everyday, and not only with blood relatives, but with everyone.

I have a dream that life on earth will look more like life on heaven.

I have a dream.

The Heavens Declare

(photo courtesy of my cousin-in-law Charles Baird in Anchorage, Alaska)

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the sky proclaims the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech,

Night after night they reveal knowledge.

~Psalm 19:1-2

My children and I love to gaze at the stars. They ask me more questions than I have answers for (it's been fifteen years since astronomy class!), but I love their enthusiasm and sense of wonder. Sometimes, after the children are in bed, I'll take a moment while pulling out the garbage cans or collecting the laundry to lift my eyes to the skies. Cassiopeia, the Big and Little Dippers, Delphinus the Dolphin (one of my favorites) shine down on me like familiar faces. I search for the Cygnus the Swan, also known as the Northern Cross, in hopes that I would catch a glimpse of the Milky Way. But where I live, it is never dark enough to see the Milky Way. In fact, it is never dark enough to see anything more than the nearer planets and brighter constellations. Nevertheless, Psalm 19:1 comes to my mind every time I look up.

Then my family went with the church staff on a retreat in Capay Valley. We were, as far as I know, out in the middle of nowhere, where mountain lions were still bold enough to run across the hills in the light of day. And there, miles from a city, or even a town, I finally saw the heavens declaring the glory of God. Stars literally filled the sky. The Milky Way marked a thick, dusty road from horizon to horizon. This is what I've been missing for most of my life! Though the stars have always been there, I have been blind to them. But now that I have seen them, I will never forget their presence, despite my inability to see them on a daily basis. And what wonderful knowledge they have revealed to me: that though God is not always visible, He is always present.


(If you would like to see more of Charle's amazing photos, visit Alaskan Pioneer or CK Alaska Photography.)

Preserving the Sacred

This is a photo of the Boekhandel Selexyz Dominicanen in Maastricht, Netherlands. People rave about this Dominican church-now-bookstore. I had seen a similar photo once, and it made such an impression in my mind that I looked it up again. That is how I found the blog Cush Design Studio and this photo. If you go to the blog, you will read the differing opinions out there. I myself would find it disturbing to sit at a cross-shaped table. Why? Because I feel that God has become commercialized (and compromised) in so many ways. The cross is a symbol of my salvation, in fact, the world's salvation. Should it be trivialized? And though this building is, really, only a building, some do see its emptiness as the death of God and Christianity. And those people would say, "Good thing we filled it with scholarly thoughts and academic accomplishments." Books are one of the many ways men have tried to conquer death.

Of course, one shouldn't veer in the other direction and worship crosses and buildings. But one should be mindful that there are times when one treats God like a bookstore (get in, get what you want, get out) or like a part of the scenery (I do that sometimes). It is important to remember to make room in our lives for the sacred.

Love vs. Romance

My husband is getting a reputation as the 'relationship guy'. He has had several breakfast meetings where the main topic of discussion was "...there's this girl and... what do I do?!"

Once you get my husband started on the topic of dating, courting, and marriage, there's no stopping him! This is an arena he loves, not only because he loves being married to me, but because he believes so strongly that marriage is a wonderful reflection of God's love for us, and that the world has twisted romantic love into something less than what it should be.

And while I haven't had as many opportunities to sit one-on-one with young women, I too love giving guidance to those who are seeking to find a Godly spouse. In my encounters, I have heard questions such as:

"How do you know if he's 'the one'?"

"Is it okay to go to a church to find a spouse?"

"Am I ready for dating? Am I ready for marriage?"

"What do I do when I feel like there are no Godly men out there?"
"Can I marry a non-Christian?"

Most people want one pat answer. Life would be so much easier if there was a checklist that marked you as 'ready' or 'not ready'. (Could you imagine if there was a stamp on our foreheads that broadcasted our marriageability to the world?!) But I can't give you one answer, or even a decent checklist, because much of it is a matter of the heart. The best advice I know is this:

Treat the other person as a brother or sister in Christ.

This simple idea can carry a person through the short season of courting and into the long, lasting years of marriage. It applies to men, women, young people, old people, divorced people, and never-been-married people. And why it works better than advice like "Just be yourself" is that it takes the focus off of "me" and puts it on serving others. You stop worrying about making an impression, or about "looking" at your own church or any other church. Many dating questions are easily answered if they are first put through this filter: Am I thinking of this other person as a sibling?

And you find yourself asking a different set of questions altogether, questions like:

"Is this outfit going to give my brother sinful and tempting thoughts?"
"Am I safe-guarding her heart and her purity?"

"Am I seeking God's best for my sibling?" (the best may meaning going on the mission field or finishing school instead of marrying you)

"Do we serve together, pray for each other, encourage each other to grow closer to Christ?"

I admit that when I first met my husband, I didn't feel 'swept away'. When we started courting, I never giggled or swooned. When he proposed and kissed me for the first time, there were no fireworks. But from the beginning, I felt a deep respect for him, and with time, the joy in my heart started overflowing. My friend Rebecca would also say the same if she shared her story. Her relationship with her husband started in India as a modern-day arranged marriage. Through much prayer and wise advice, she started corresponding with her (not-yet) husband, then met, then decided to marry. Ten years later, they are going strong because their marriage, like mine, is one of respect and friendship, not the Hollywood-fireworks-in-your-eyes-twitterpated kind of romance.


I'm not saying that romance is sinful. I'm not saying that Christians need to turn and run from romance. Timothy Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, puts it this way:

Does that mean it doesn't matter who you marry, that you don't have to be in love with the person you wed, or that emotion is unimportant in marriage? No, I am not proposing that you deliberately marry a person you don't like. But I can guarantee that, whoever you marry, you will fall "out of like" with them. Powerful feelings of affection and delight will not and cannot be sustained. It it quite typical to lose the head-over-heels feelings for your mate even before you get married, because our emotions are tied to so many things within our physiology, psychology, and environment. Your feelings will ebb and flow, and if you follow our culture's definition of "love," you may conclude that this can't be a person you should marry. Our culture glorifies romantic passion, and so we say, "If this was the person for me to marry, my feelings wouldn't be so up and down."

Romance as portrayed by the world is all about the self-- make a good impression, have fun, have your needs met, find good chemistry. Romance by God's definition comes after marriage, and starts with thinking of the other person (even before you date him or her) as a sibling in Christ, in order to form a foundation of true, deep love. Then your relationship will go beyond physical attraction and first impressions, beyond the world's popular idea of shallow, selfish romantic love. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg. I can hardly go in depth on this subject on a blog. If you want to learn more, I recommend Timothy Keller's book. Or if you want to know what courting in a Biblical way looks like, read Joshua Harris's Boy Meets Girl. But whatever you do, put God first and foremost in your life. Whether in dating, in marriage, in work, in play, make God your center.

A Little Pain Goes a Long Way

My young son likes to choose a movie when we are at the library. Usually, he goes for Bob the Builder or Thomas the Train, but one day he found something new. The cover showed train locomotives with big eyes and smiling faces. They weren't as cute as Thomas, but I liked indulging my son every now and then, so I checked it out.

Later that day, we all sat down to watch his video. The animation was okay and the story was clean and straightforward, but after one episode, I told the kids that we couldn't watch anymore. The young trains in the video had outright disobeyed in such a way that their little train lives were in danger, and yet all they got in the end was a gentle scolding from a grown-up. I wonder, How much media out there is conveying this kind of parenting? Are we so afraid of damaging our children's egos that parents cannot be strong and forceful with a child, even when the situation calls for it?

I am not blind to my children's reactions when I correct their mistakes. Sometimes they pout, sometimes they look down at their feet. But when they are doing something that puts themselves or someone else in danger, I do not hesitate to raise my voice to stop them. Then my child may look hurt, causing a pang in my heart, but I must see the bigger picture.  Discipline (related to the word 'disciple') sometimes causes pain, but that pain can be soothed with reassurance and comfort afterwards. What I shouldn't do is avoid the pain altogether. As a parent, ask yourself these questions:

If my child never feels shame, how will he/she learn right from wrong?

If my child never feels regret, how will he/she learn from his/her mistakes?

If my child never feels guilt, how will he/she learn to take responsibility for his/her actions?

Despite what some 'parenting experts' say, there is nothing wrong with negative feelings. God put the voice of conscience inside us (our little Jiminy Crickets) to guide us. Just like pain from a burn causes us to remove our hand from the fire, proper scolding, though it may seem harsh at the time, can prevent further damage down the road.

Obedience

Obedience

by George MacDonald

I said, "Let me walk in the fields;"

He said, "Nay, walk in the town;"

I said, "There are no flowers there;"

He said, "No flowers but a crown."

I said, "But the sky is black,

There is nothing but noise and din;"

But He wept as He sent me back--

"There is more," He said, "there is sin."

I said, "But the air is thick

And fogs are veiling the sun;"

He answered, "Yet souls are sick,

And souls in the dark undone."

I said, "I shall miss the light,

And friends will miss me, they say;"

He answered me, "Choose tonight

If I am to miss you, or they."

I pleaded for time to be given;

He said, "Is it hard to decide?

It will not seem hard in heaven

To have followed the steps of your guide."

I cast one look at the fields,

Then set my face to the town:

He said: "My child, do you yield?

Will you leave the flowers for the crown?"

Then into His hand went mine,

And into my heart came He,

And I walk in a light divine

The path I had feared to see.

Born in Scotland in 1824, MacDonald was a minister who also loved to write fairy tales and poetry "not for children", he wrote once, "but for the child-like, whether they be of five, or fifty, or seventy-five." His writings of fiction such as "The Golden Key" and "The Light Princess" have influenced G. K. Chesterton, Mark Twain, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Madeleine L'Engle, and E. Nesbit. If you love the stories of Narnia and Middle Earth, then you will love how MacDonald's worlds are full of wonder and fantasy, yet remain grounded in God's truth. In one such story, titled "The Princess and the Goblin", the Princess is given a magical silver thread that can guide her to safety. The only problem is, no one, not even the Princess, can see the thread. She has to follow the thread by touch, even though she can't see where it is leading her, or where it will end.

Obedience is like that thread. God sometimes gives us only the information we need for the moment. He sheds light on the first step we must take, but the journey itself is in the dark. I think about my friends in Papua New Guinea, who have committed at least three years of their lives to work with a people group there that has never heard the Gospel. One of their tasks is to learn the language of these natives, and though the natives have been accepting of them into their village, no one knows how they will receive the Gospel. But like the person in the poem, my friends have chosen to leave the fields and flowers. They have said goodbye to their friends and family and the comforts of American suburban life because they believe that His crown and the souls of people are worth more. And though it is difficult for them, like it is difficult for you and me, to obey when the thread they are following is invisible, it is not impossible. It will not seem hard in heaven to have followed the steps of your guide.

Between a Pillow and a Soft Place

I had to take a break from working and sit down and write a little. Our first week back in "school" was tiring, and now we are in the midst of moving furniture-- switching the guest room for the girls' room, rethinking dressers and toys-- basically making a big mess. But I'm liking the end result, and when I think of why we're putting ourselves through this bit of self-torture, I don't regret it.

When we first moved in, we were as happy as clams. (That's an American saying dating back to 1833. I guess clams are happy because they don't need much. And they look like they're smiling all the time. Anyway...) We had two boys sleeping in the green room, two girls sleeping in the pink room, and a wonderful guest room that I had the immense pleasure of decorating. Then our friends moved into the guest room, we had another baby, and I didn't know what to do. But we made it work, and when our friends moved out earlier this year, I was a happy clam again. I put the baby's little crib in the guest room (easy to wheel out when we had guests) and I had my own room again.

Everything was good.

Then we heard of a young woman in our church who needed a room. She had lost her mother to cancer three years ago, and recently had to admit her father into a nursing home. The young woman had barely begun adulthood, and she was already very alone in the world. She needed to finish school, but she needed a home even more. And so she was referred to us.

My initial response was one of hesitation. Where would the baby sleep? Back in my room? Where would the music equipment and instruments go? In my room too?! When we rented this house three years ago, it was perfect for us. But we never thought that we would have another child, or people living with us. Sometimes I feel cramped, and my children are only getting bigger. I like my home the way it is now, and I don't want that to change, not when I've barely had time to enjoy it.

But then I remember that this home is not my own, not really. With some clever maneuvering, we can use this God-given space to the best of our ability.

And that is why today we are moving the girls' bunkbed into the larger room, making the old guest room into a bedroom for all three girls. The queen-size guest bed is in the pink room, ready for our friend to move in when she is ready. My bedroom is still crazy-looking, and pictures and paintings will need to find new homes on the wall, but all in all, everything looks good.

It will take time to settle in again, and when our friend comes to join our family, she will change the dynamics of our home too. But I know we will be blessed by her. I know that God wants to grow her, and grow me too. Rather than let me settle into my comfy spot and become moss-covered, He keeps me moving, ever onward, ever upward.