For Pastors' Wives

It has been two and half years since my husband became a pastor and I can't say I've settled into my role as P.W. I don't mean 'role' like I'm expected to play piano or teach Sunday school (thank God my church does not put expectations like that on pastors' wives); the role I mean is the day in/day out of raising a family while helping my husband shepherd God's family. There are emotions that I thought would go away after a few months of the new job, yet they still linger on the edges of my heart. Then there are new emotions, arising from situations that my husband has to deal with within the church. So, last week I met with the wife of our teaching pastor to ask about her experience as a pastor's wife and if she had any wisdom to pass on to me.

Part of me thought that maybe growing up as a pastor's daughter had embittered me in ways towards the church, leaving irrational fears and worries. But my friend helped me realize that the emotions I'm feeling now aren't because of unresolved issues from my past. How I feel is not uncommon for a pastor's wife with young children. The long Sundays and odd hours are not easy. Neither is being in a shepherding role. It was so encouraging for me to hear this that I want to pass on what I learned. If you are a pastor's wife with young children, I hope you are encouraged too! It helps to know that you are not alone in this!

1) It will be hard sometimes.

Serving God should be a joy, but it isn't a walk in the park. People will put expectations on you. Your husband will sometimes be under attack. You and your husband will want to help everyone, but you can't. The job is emotionally draining, oftentimes physically and spiritually so too.

2) You must be discreet at all times.

Being on the inside means you will hear things about people's private lives. The hardest part of being a pastor's wife is not sharing what you hear, or forming judgments based on that information. You will need extra doses of grace and love. If discretion is difficult for you, tell your husband that you'd rather not know the names and details of those involved. Find ways to be an emotional support for your husband without being tempted to gossip.

3) You will feel lonely sometimes.

Again, being on the inside means that sometimes you will feel alone. You will be viewed and treated as a leader and role model, not as a peer. And Sunday mornings, if your husband is preaching, teaching, or in charge of an aspect of the worship service means you are alone with your children for much of the morning, maybe even part of the afternoon or evening.

4) Learn to say "no" to people and "yes" to God.

What I mean by that is you should know what your giftings are and know what God has called you to do. Then do them! But not because you feel pressured by the congregation, not because you need to meet certain expectations, and not because you are the plug for the hole in the dam. Serve God the same way you would serve Him regardless of your title as 'pastor's wife'.

5) Put your family first.
When my children act out, I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. I have to remember that my children are just like everyone else's children, and not put pressure on them to look or act like "perfect" children. My husband and I also need to put boundaries on his time at the church. We don't attend every meeting, service, or event. We try to serve together if possible (like at Vacation Bible School last summer). We shepherd our children first and foremost. And most importantly, we tell our children that people are imperfect, but God is ALWAYS faithful and deserving of praise. When things don't go quite right in the church, we remind the children that it is God's grace that helps us forgive and work things out to bring unity back to the Body. If children hear too much about "what's wrong with the church", they will grow up thinking that something is wrong with God.

6) Find trusted friends.

You need friends who encourage you, understand your role, and will sharpen you and keep you accountable when needed. My two closest friends are also pastors' wives. If possible, find close friends who attend a different church.

7) Find what works best for you and your husband.

When my husband is away, a simple phone call is enough to help me feel connected. When he's away at a retreat, it makes sense for him to call and check-up on me. Recently, I asked him to call me on Sundays too. We spend the morning in the same building, but most of the time I see him only for a few seconds in the hall. Then I go home, he stays for the second service, and oftentimes goes out for lunch. Getting a phone call from him lets me know what his plans are, and the day doesn't feel quite as long and lonely.

Having a husband who is called to serve the Body is an honor. Your children will not always be young. Your husband will not always travel without you. Hold fast to the Rock, and you will be a blessing to your husband, your children, and your church!

The family that 'smart-phones' together...

My husband chose to take the scenic route through downtown. It was a beautiful, sunny winter day, warm enough to entice people outside for a stroll and lunch al fresco. I looked out the car window and observed a small group of people sitting at a table, waiting to be served. Each and every person at that table had his or her head lowered.

Ten years ago, seeing people with their heads bowed at a table would signify that they were praying before a meal. Today, heads down means they are all looking at something on their phones. We drove past another group in a similar formation. Then another. I started wishing, then hoping, to find one group with their chins to their chests who were actually praying, not 'smart-phoning', together.

Maybe someone has already thought of a word or phrase to describe people sitting in near proximity to each other, all on phones doing separate things, but I don't know it, so I came up with my own term. I played around with 'co-phoning' and 'synchronized phoning', then settled for 'smart-phoning' because it sounds passive. Also, unlike phrases such as "I'll telephone you" or "I'll call on you the phone", it gives no implication of relating to another person.

I'm not the only one critical of seeing the next generation grow up in a world filled with screens. Some of us are afraid that our children will know less and less how to relate to people, or how to appreciate stillness, scenery, and solitude. But no one really knows what will happen to our culture as we rely more and more on our pocket-sized, portable computers.

One result I do imagine is less conversation with strangers. Back in the day, when I had to ride the bus and BART train to school every day, I would meet the most interesting people. If I wasn't in a mood to talk, I could try to bury my face in a college text book, but even then, a stranger might find that a subject worth talking about. Now, I could read on my iPad or phone and no one would ask me, "What are you reading?" Even if I was reading the Bible everyday while riding public transportation, I would look like I was merely surfing the web or checking my e-mail. Opportunities for conversation are lost. How sad it will be when instead of families eating together or praying together, they 'smart phone' together...

I would rather imagine a world where Christians can make a statement in the midst of this culture change. Praying and talking at a meal; reading a hard copy of the Bible; knocking on a neighbor's door; striking up conversation with a stranger– all simple ways to defy the new normal without being condemning. Our friendships will stand out, our families will be unique, but only if we are intentional when it comes to how we use our smart phones. But then again, as Christians, shouldn't we be intentional in all we do?

The Things Unseen

...Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me…

We were singing these words last Thursday as we prayed and worshipped with our church body. As elders and pastors talked briefly about repentance and revival for the new year, I became aware of what I needed to change in my life.

I had stopped seeking God in my daily routine. Instead, I have been relying on my own strength to 'just get by'. The result of this is that I'm quick to respond to my children with a firm tone of voice. I get exasperated when they don't do things the way I expect them to. I don't take the time to play with them. I start feeling like a cleaning robot more than a person.

So my prayer last Thursday night was that I can love my children in a new way. That even in the home, looking at the same scenery and the same faces day in and day out, when I am cleaning and cleaning and cleaning some more, I can see the unseen things of God, and remember that the unseen things of God are not only in South Africa on a medical mission, at a homeless shelter in the city, or in a sanctuary filled with beautiful music. They are right in front of my eyes, if I humble myself enough to admit my need for God and my desire for Him to change me.

I await to see what God will reveal to me...


(The lyrics are from the song Hosanna by Brooke Fraser)

Practicing Kindness

Lately, my five-year-old has been–how can I put this nicely?–a trial. And what makes it more difficult is that the things he has been doing aren't outright disobedient or harmful, but just plain mean. 

His sister says, "Stop that!" and he continues to do "that" in order to make her more angry.

His brother asks for a toy back, and when I tell him to hand the toy over, he chooses to throw it instead.

Sounds familiar? I'm sure my son is not unique. But how do you discipline someone for being mean? My son would have to spend ALL DAY in time-out!

I finally grew tired of the constant "That's not kind!" talk and chose a new tactic–not talking about kindness, but acting out the kindness. This means taking the time to stop what I am doing, sitting down with my son, praying (because a change of heart is more important than a change of behavior, and heart change is not my department), deciding on the action to remedy the inflicted hurt, then doing it. So simple. And so much more effective than telling my son "That's not kind!" and assuming that he knows the proper action instead. (Side note: I've also stopped telling my children to "behave properly" if I don't first tell them what that behavior looks like.)

So after my son throws a toy, he picks it up and hands it to his sibling.

When he takes someone else's snack, I have him serve that person a new snack.

If he says something mean, he apologizes and says something kind to the person.

I'm hoping that this will teach my son how to relate differently to people, that his actions are preceded by a choice, that with time, kindness will come as easily to him as riding his bike. As my husband likes to say, "You get good at what you practice!" 

I too have been practicing kindness lately. Of course I don't throw things at people; my fault is how judgmental I am of people sometimes. 

I see a couple bickering and I think, "That's not the way to treat your spouse!"

A mom is paying more attention to her phone than to her misbehaving children and I think, "She's not being a good mother!"

When I find myself thinking these thoughts, I catch myself and remember to "practice kindness" by choosing instead to pray for these people.

"Lord, help this couple to love each other the way you love us."

"Give this mom the strength to be patient with her children, the wisdom to teach them, and the support she needs to do so."

And for myself, "Father, thank you for showing me how judgmental I can be. Please change my heart."

And my hope is that with time, this too will come as easily to me as riding a bike (or in my case, playing a piano).