Practicing Kindness

Lately, my five-year-old has been–how can I put this nicely?–a trial. And what makes it more difficult is that the things he has been doing aren't outright disobedient or harmful, but just plain mean. 

His sister says, "Stop that!" and he continues to do "that" in order to make her more angry.

His brother asks for a toy back, and when I tell him to hand the toy over, he chooses to throw it instead.

Sounds familiar? I'm sure my son is not unique. But how do you discipline someone for being mean? My son would have to spend ALL DAY in time-out!

I finally grew tired of the constant "That's not kind!" talk and chose a new tactic–not talking about kindness, but acting out the kindness. This means taking the time to stop what I am doing, sitting down with my son, praying (because a change of heart is more important than a change of behavior, and heart change is not my department), deciding on the action to remedy the inflicted hurt, then doing it. So simple. And so much more effective than telling my son "That's not kind!" and assuming that he knows the proper action instead. (Side note: I've also stopped telling my children to "behave properly" if I don't first tell them what that behavior looks like.)

So after my son throws a toy, he picks it up and hands it to his sibling.

When he takes someone else's snack, I have him serve that person a new snack.

If he says something mean, he apologizes and says something kind to the person.

I'm hoping that this will teach my son how to relate differently to people, that his actions are preceded by a choice, that with time, kindness will come as easily to him as riding his bike. As my husband likes to say, "You get good at what you practice!" 

I too have been practicing kindness lately. Of course I don't throw things at people; my fault is how judgmental I am of people sometimes. 

I see a couple bickering and I think, "That's not the way to treat your spouse!"

A mom is paying more attention to her phone than to her misbehaving children and I think, "She's not being a good mother!"

When I find myself thinking these thoughts, I catch myself and remember to "practice kindness" by choosing instead to pray for these people.

"Lord, help this couple to love each other the way you love us."

"Give this mom the strength to be patient with her children, the wisdom to teach them, and the support she needs to do so."

And for myself, "Father, thank you for showing me how judgmental I can be. Please change my heart."

And my hope is that with time, this too will come as easily to me as riding a bike (or in my case, playing a piano).