Pursuing Biblical Wifehood

I was thinking the other day, "We celebrate Mother's Day… why don't we celebrate Wife's Day?"

Okay, I admit, I wasn't really thinking that.

What I was thinking was, "Most people consider motherhood to be a higher calling, but what about wifehood?"

Our culture at large does not make much of wifehood. There are no brochures for classes on wifehood. When was the last time you even heard someone use the word 'wifehood'? 

Maybe it's because Mother's Day is something everyone can celebrate. Everyone has a mother, but not everyone has a wife. We all owe at least a little something to our mothers for giving birth to us.

Or maybe it's because, though both motherhood and wifehood require servanthood, most people believe that sacrifice for a mother is for the good of the child, while for a wife, it's at the expense of the woman.

That's the result of years of feminist arguments, years of fighting for a women's right to never have to submit to a man again.

But that is not how the Bible portrays marriage! My husband and I sat with a young couple  the other night and answered their questions on Biblical roles for husbands and wives. We discussed how marriage is not about domination. Rather, it is about husband and wife serving each other in a way that reflects Jesus and His Father. In Timothy and Kathy Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage, Kathy writes (in the chapter titled 'Embracing the Other'), 

The Son defers to his Father, taking the subordinate role. The Father accepts the gift, but then exalts the Son to the highest place. Each wishes to please the other, each wishes to exalt the other. Love and honor are given, accepted, and given again. In I Corinthians 11:3, Paul says directly what is implied in Philippians 2–namely, that the relationship of the Father and the Son is a pattern for the relationship of husband to wife.

How beautiful and mysterious! If ALL wives understood that their role is not merely a series of actions (just as changing a diaper doesn't necessarily make you a mother), then marriages across the board would be joyful, everlasting examples of unconditional love!

In this current age (commonly called the 'hook-up' culture), the majority of people get married with the thought that marriage is not life-changing, that the difference between dating and marriage is nothing more than checking a different box on your tax form. People don't anticipate that marriage takes effort, that it requires sacrifice, that it essentially changes them in a way dating doesn't.

But wifehood does change a person, the way motherhood changes a person! God's design is for spouses to shape each other as they learn from the other's strengths and give grace to cover the other's weaknesses. A married woman who stubbornly holds on to her former life and former self will take on the title 'wife' in name only. Wifehood, the state of of being a good wife, is an honorable endeavor that must be pursued. Then, after years of pursuit, the wife will become a more kind, more understanding, and more gracious person.

Recently, I met up with some old friends at a park. As we caught up on all that had happened since high school graduation, I sensed my friends' underlying current of resentment towards their husbands. They still love their husbands, and their lives are stable (good job, nice house, healthy children, faithful husband), but all was easy-going until they had children.

I'm not blaming the children. I'm not blaming the husband either, nor am I blaming the wives. When a woman is outside of Christian circles, when she does not have good role models for marriage, and when popular culture does not encourage wives to keep pursuing wifehood, where does she turn to? When the wife becomes a mother and is home more with the children and wondering, "Who am I now?" she will naturally focus more on motherhood than wifehood, even though wifehood is the foundation for motherhood. But if no one tells her that, and she observes that her life has become a cycle of cleaning, cooking, and mothering while her husband focuses on his career, his hobbies, and fathering, what does she have to hold on to? Or for a wife with a career, when things at work are on a up-swing while life at home is not, why wouldn't she want to turn to what gratifies her the most?

Alas, many marriages end when the children are older or career changes occur because 'wifehood' was lost somewhere along the way.

How do we pursue Biblical wifehood then? It would take a whole book to answer that question. Start by reading Tim and Kathy Keller's book. Also, I encourage you to memorize  Colossians 3 or Philippians 2 (that's my project right now). Then practice these quick but not-so-simple tips:

1) Always seek to understand and learn about your husband rather than try to make him more like yourself.

2) Practice kindness. Be the first to say "I'm sorry."

3) Depending on the ages of your children, this may be harder to do, but strive to put your husband first and your children second. Do the same with your career.

4) Be honest rather than manipulative.

5) Don't demolish your husband. Build him up. Support him.

 6) Forgive as God forgave you. REALLY.

You won't achieve every one of these everyday. But be encouraged; every small action, if repeated often enough, will become habit. Keep pursuing Biblical wifehood, with the goal of someday perfecting it.

Living By Example

A few weeks back I read an article that basically said, "The worst thing you could ask of your daughter is to be an example for her friends." According to the author, the pressure your daughter feels from this kind of request pushes her to put on a good face, but to never feel like she herself can admit her fears, hurts, or shortcomings.

"Oh my gosh! I've ruined my children!" was my initial emotional response. My husband and I often ask our children to be good role models for their younger siblings. We encourage our children to be leaders among their friends and their peers at church. Have I been wrong this whole time in asking them to do that? Doubt raced through my mind and robbed me of my confidence. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to write. Guilt bubbled in my core. 

When my emotions finally settled down, I tried to think through this author's words with a clear head. I had written before on something similar to this. We are role models, whether we want to be one or not. Our choice is to be good role models, or bad role models. 

Similarly, I can ask my children to be an example for their friends, though I should explain clearly to them what type of example they should be. After all, Paul wrote these words to young Timothy: Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity (I Timothy 4:12). My children can be examples of perfect, happy people, or they can be examples of people who know that they are saved by grace, people who know that their greatest example is Jesus Christ (see Philippians 2).

So what it comes down to is this: The worst thing I could ask of my daughter is to be an example without being the right example for her. And if I am the kind of mother who cares more about appearances, then I will teach my children to do the same. If I am the kind of mother who pretends to have it altogether,  then my children will grow into that mold.

But if I am the kind of mother who can say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong," who can share about the lessons she is learning, who gives grace and freely admits that she is in need of it too, who cares for those who are weaker and smaller, whose goal is not to be an example but to bring healing to people, who looks to Jesus, then I want to say to my children, again and again and again,

"Be an example. For your friends. For your peers. For the world."

They Do Grow Up

While grocery shopping today with my two youngest, I had a sudden, strong recollection of my life ten years ago: rushing to finish shopping before nap time so no one fell asleep in the car, feeling the weight of the baby in the front carrier pull on my shoulders as the mountain of food in the cart grew and grew, dreading the perpetually looming possibility of meltdowns and the stares the would make me cower and blush.

I finally made it to the check-out. At that point, I was really missing my older children. My cart-pusher wasn't there. The many hands to help with the bags were not there. The clowns who made the baby laugh were not there. And I realized how grateful I was for them.

Yes, they do grow up.

That is my best advice to mothers with children under the age of five.

They do grow up.

Just when you can't take another day of cleaning up Cheerios and applesauce that had been thrown all over the kitchen. Just when you don't want to attend another event during which you spend the whole time wandering with a toddler through the lobby. Just when you are tired of people removing your plate when you were only half done with your meal.

I've been there. It's not fun.

But they do grow up.

When you are in the midst of it all, you don't see the daily, gradual changes. And then one day, you look back and those baby and toddler years don't seem so long anymore. You wouldn't necessarily want to relive them, but you do see that the suffering, the frustrations, and the tears were worth it. The person whom you thought was lost among the diapers, tantrums, and baby clothes resurfaces– wiser, stronger, and with more love to give.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there. Whether you are a mamma, a mutti, a mommy, a maman, a mother of one, a mother of twelve, a biological mother, an adoptive mother, or a surrogate mother, remember this: 

God gifted you with the child. He will also gift you with the tools you need to raise this child.

Hold fast. Have courage.

They do grow up.

That Day

I was reading Ann Voskamp's blog today and I almost cried. She is a mother of six. She is a writer. She homeschools. And here she was, describing the son who had her crying of the floor on the mudroom. 

I don't have a mudroom, but I have a son who makes me worry and weep. And another son who makes me worry, if not weep. And one more that sleeps so poorly at night that sometimes I want to weep.

But that's not why I almost cried. Reading Ann's words about her son now is what made my heart swell.

He won a grant this past term for his pitch of a new agricultural tech start up. At 19, he has his own team of engineers. A handful of times every week, he messages me: "Love you, Mom. You're doing great." He sponsors more than a dozen kids through Compassion. He's one of my very best friends. One of my very favorite people in the whole wide world. I never want conversations with him to end.

That last sentence paints a picture of what I want in my future. When that day comes, the day when we are past chore charts and bedtimes, I want to sit up late into the night, a cup of cocoa in my hand and fresh-baked cookies on the table, and talk and talk and talk with my children. I want my children to be my best friends.

But for now, I still doubt myself. I constantly reevaluate how I parent and try to do better. Then I still doubt because I want a guarantee that no one can give me. There is no formula for parenting. I can only dare to hope that I will ever make it to "that day". And pray and pray and pray and pray.

Beyond Dollars and Cents

Growing up, we never had much money. My father's salary as a pastor and the money my mother earned through cleaning and nannying just barely covered our needs. If I asked for anything, it was usually considered extravagant. We had to count every penny, because every penny counted.

But there were times when I asked my parents to drive me somewhere. Or times when I wanted to visit a friend. And even those requests were considered extravegent because of the cost of gas. Though I understood then the importance of being thrifty, I see now that some things cannot be counted monetarily. Somewhere along the way, in being extra careful with their spending, my parents forgot that some things are worth MORE than the cost of gas or the hours you spend on the road. Driving thirty minutes to drop off a meal is worth it if you can help a person in need. Driving several hours to support a friend is an investment made. Taking a road trip to attend a wedding shows sacrifice. In exchange for the money spent, you are cultivating a relationship, something that has far greater value than money. With regret, I admit that my relationships with my friends and my parents would have benefited from knowing this.

Some friends visited us this past week, an older couple whose home-schooled children are now all grown. As we sat around the table after breakfast, the couple shared with us a system of chores that worked in their family: for every family chore completed, the child received a payment. It could be a quarter for loading the dishwasher, or a dollar for vacuuming the entire house. The child must complete at least three a day, and after a few years, he/she will have enough money to start paying for his/her own clothes, trips, toys, etc. (and the house is cleaner too!)

While my husband and I agreed that work ethic is good, and tithing and money management are also good (of course), we disagreed that every chore should be rewarded with payment. After all, what does it mean to be a part of a family? Participating in chores with no expectation of money is more important than fairness or wages. Learning to serve with a sacrificial heart is a greater lesson learned.

And these were the thoughts that passed through my mind this morning as I attended a piano recital in which none of my children performed. Nor were we related to any of the performers. I made the extra drive and sat for nearly two hours with a squirmy baby because my children's best friends were playing. These are the children I want hanging out in my house when they are older. They are the teenagers I want asking me for godly advice.  

So even if I had paid a hundred dollars for gas and another hundred for tickets, it would still not equal seeing my children grow up with boys and girls whom they can call lifelong friends. I considered today an investment in something that goes far beyond today, and far, far beyond dollars and cents.