Discipline and Diligence

Last Sunday, I caught a mom in the hall, struggling to convince her two-year-old to join the other children in class. As we started chatting, she said to me,

"Your children are so well-behaved. You should teach a class!"

I was flattered, but I also felt completely unqualified to teach a class on discipline! I may be an expert on my children, but I am no expert on other people's children. I wish there was one neat set of rules when it comes to discipline. And as most parents know, how our children behave in public is not the same as how they behave at home. What any person sees of my children on a weekly basis is only a tiny glimpse of what happens on a daily basis under my roof!

But my friend and I continued to talk, and the more questions she asked, the more I realized that I DO know some things about discipline–three things, to be exact.

The first is that each child is different. There is no guarantee that the way you discipline your first child will work on the second. The only way to know the best method for disciplining your child is to KNOW YOUR CHILD. For some children, a light swat is enough to deter them from repeating an action. For others, spanking means nothing, and only hardens their hearts and damages their spirit. Social children find isolation (time outs, for example) and removal from activity excruciating. That's my youngest right now. He just wants to be in the middle of everything! On the other hand, when my husband was young, his punishment was to go outside and play with his siblings, because he is happiest when he is alone, in his room, reading a book!

Remember, the "experts" can give you some tips and insight but the "experts" don't know your child. Talk to parents you look up to and parents from older generations for different perspectives, especially those who have spent time with your child. It may take some sleuth work to discover the best way to guide your child's little mind onto the right path.

The second thing I know is that discipline takes A LOT of energy and hard work. When I was in college, I worked part-time at a preschool/daycare as a teacher's assistant. Whenever the children went outside to play, I was the eager one starting a game of 'tag' or 'catch'. But I noticed that the other teachers would just sit and watch. And when something happened between two of the preschoolers, the teacher would stay seated and just shout, "Stop fighting! Remember to share!" The teacher usually had to repeat herself several times, or finally get up and separate the preschoolers. 

The lesson I learned is that discipline works best when the person in charge responds immediately and gets involved. This gets harder the more children there are, or the more tired the person is, but it still holds true: diligence is the key. Telling my seventeen-month old to stop climbing on the stool means almost nothing to him. I must go and remove him from the stool. And I have to do this again, and again, and again. It's exhausting, I know, but it's the only way to teach a child what the boundaries are. Whatever your daily struggle with your child is, be firm today, and be firm tomorrow. It may take a thousand days. It may take longer. But if you teach your child well while he/she is young, you can look forward to the days when you can be more lenient.

The third thing is the shortest, but the most important: after disciplining your child, always explain why the discipline was necessary (in the simplest of terms if needed) and end it with a hug, a kiss, and an "I love you." Be open to the Spirit. Discipline takes consistency, but there is also room for grace, which is a great lesson in itself. 

When you are in the midst of toddlerhood, parenting feels like it's only about rules and control. And it doesn't seem to change much when the children are older! But there are countless joys that come with parenting! Be diligent in discipline, and you will be filled with wonder as your little ones blossom into kind and responsible young men and women.

Respect, Practically Speaking (Part 2)

After writing about respect for husbands a few weeks ago, I realized too late that I had left the subject unfinished. Even as I picked up my husband's pajamas off the floor today, I recognized how easy  it was to slip into a feeling of contempt.

If after reading the list from my previous post you thought, "This Rita Baird is not realistic! How can I respect the MAN when I can't respect his HABITS or CHOICES?" I am in agreement with you. Respect must be earned; otherwise, is it really respect? But I also fall back on my argument that respect and disrespect are positions one take in a relationship. When you respect someone, you think of him/her as being your equal or superior. When you disrespect someone, you see him/her as being below you.

So, what does this have to do with your husband's habits or choices?

God's design is that husbands and wives complement each other, filling each other's gaps. But while we may be better than our spouses in one arena, we are not better in another. It is most important for spouses to always remember this:

We are all flawed.

Each of us make choices at times that are selfish, unwise, or even harmful to others. We all fall. When we fully comprehend that we ourselves are in a lowly position, we will find it easier to respect our spouses. Romans 12:3 says,

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

Similarly, Philippians 2:3 tells us,

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 

Paul may be addressing the churches in Rome and Philippi in these letters, but this truth from God's Word applies to our marriages too.

Which leads me to another practical suggestion.

When you read a passage from the epistles (the books of the Bible starting from Romans and ending with Jude) that gives a command for how to treat your neighbor or fellow brother or sister in Christ, apply it to your marriage. Wisdom in how to keep peace and love within the Body of Christ can also help us keep unity and love in our marriage! Here's an example using one of my favorite passages, Colossians 2:12-17:

Put on then [in your marriage], as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with [your spouse] and, if one has a complaint against [your spouse], forgiving [your spouse], as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds [your marriage] in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one [marriage]. And be thankful [for your spouse]. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing [your spouse] in all wisdom, singing psalms and humans and spirituals songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do [in your marriage], in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, give thanks to God the Father through him.

I inserted "in your marriage" and "your spouse" in various places to give you a better idea of how these verses can shine a whole new light on your marriage. So often, a wife or husband forgets that "loving your neighbor" includes  his/her spouse–the closest neighbor anyone can have!

And so, if you are praying for God to restore your marriage and renew your respect for your spouse, try reading through the epistles. Even better, memorize some passages. Or write them on index cards and tape them on your mirror or in your kitchen. Keep God's Word at the forefront of your heart and mind, and you will see a transformation–not in your spouse, but in you.

Here are more passages to get you started:

Romans 12:9-12
Galatians 5:13-15
Ephesians 4:1-5
Ephesians 4:25-5:2
Philippians 2:1-5
I Peter 4:8-11

5 Unforeseen Benefits of Homeschooling

I'll apologize right off the bat for writing another post in list form. I guess my mind works best this way.

But this time, I'm writing about a completely different subject, one that I haven't written about in a long time! Back in March 2011 (wow, almost five years ago!), I listed the five main reasons why my husband and I chose to homeschool our children. (To read that post, click here.) At that time, my oldest child was only in the second grade, and so I still had much to learn as a homeschooling mom.

Now, after nearly eight full years of homeschooling, I have never regretted my decision once. On top of that, I have discovered five unforeseen benefits along the way. If you are trying to decide if homeschooling is best for your family, these things might help you in your decision making.

So, here we go again, another list!

1) My children eat healthier, for less money.
Packing lunches for kids to take to school is not hard. Making them healthy lunches that will not end up in the garbage can IS hard. I have the opportunity to make a warm lunch for my children every day, and I get to sit with them and watch as they devour their fruits and vegetables. And we rarely have to buy prepackaged or individually-wrapped foods, which saves us a bundle.

2) My children witness and take a part in "real" life.

When I think of my childhood, I can't recall a time when I went grocery shopping with my mom. I have a few memories of watching her make a bed or do laundry, and really, I took those kinds of things for granted. When I came home from school, the house was magically clean and the refrigerator magically full! Much of my life skills came when I was much older, which is why I like to incorporate things like shopping and housework into our "homeschooling". When we go to the store (at least once a week, with all six kids in tow), I ask my children to help pick out fruit and vegetables or retrieve items off the shelf. They take turns keeping the baby happy. They cook with me in the kitchen. They help me put clean sheets on the beds. They know that things don't get done by magic, but by work. 

3) We have the flexibility to serve often as a family.

For our family, serving is just as important as academics, if not more so. And because we can limit our focus on academics to weekday mornings and afternoons, we have our evenings and weekends for going out together as a family to help a friend move, deliver a meal, do yard work for a person in need, or to invite people over.

4) We can deal with heart issues immediately.
We all know that children aren't perfect. Conflict can arise at any given moment. The great thing about homeschooling is that when it does arise (and believe me, it does– often), I can stop everything and address the issue. There is no parent-teacher conference, or finding-out-hours-later-after-school. And I can deal with the problem in a way that no teacher or administrator can– by going to the Bible and praying with my child.

5) For my non-conformist child, homeschooling is the best choice.
When I first started homeschooling, it was easy. My older three children loved to sit down and "do school" with me for a few hours a day. There were times, of course, when one would be reluctant about reading or another would complain about math, but they were mostly compliant and easy-going. Then came my fourth child. He doesn't like to follow directions; he likes to do things on his own terms. He'll never do something if it's senseless and trivial; he must have a good reason or he'll just flat out refuse. He's dramatic and likes to be the "class clown". He doesn't sit still for very long. As you can see, my son would never fit in in a classroom of thirty. He would quickly become a problem because the teacher wouldn't have time to deal with him individually. Almost every day I have to remind my son why he is learning, why he needs to listen to people in authority, and why sometimes it is important to follow certain rules. And every time I have to have this "talk" with my son, I am thankful that he is in a place where he can learn in a way that's suited to him, and that he can learn the lessons that he really needs to learn.

Respect, Practically Speaking (Part 1)

We were getting ready for an outing. I was in charge of the lunches. My husband was in charge of the directions.

"Did you already look up the address?" my husband asked me.

"No," I answered. "Because you said you'd do it."

"Thank you," my husband replied.

"For what?"

"For not jumping in and micromanaging."

And that was when it dawned on me. Showing my husband respect is not always as easy as saying the words "I respect you". Oftentimes, we wives unknowingly do things that actually reflect the opposite (or in my case, I unknowingly DID show him respect). So, what IS respect? Webster's dictionary defines 'respect' as 'high or special regard'. What exactly does that mean?

It helps to remember that true respect is a matter of the heart. To hold someone in high regard means to think of him or her as your equal or better. Respect includes honor, value, and admiration, but not constant agreement. Obedience and compliance does not necessarily equal respect. Disrespect, on the other hand, means to think of the other person as inferior. It is a position of pride. 

But respect is not just internal; it spills over into our actions. Therefore, our actions will reflect, or reveal, a deeper heart issue that we may not be aware of. What then should respect look like in our marriages? How are we to show our husbands respect on a day-to-day basis? And how can we find the corners of our heart where we might be harboring some disrespect?

I asked some husbands for help and put together this practical list to help us out. These ten actions are not exclusive to wives (husbands should review it too!) but they are things that women tend to do more often than men. Either way, we could all do better at being more loving and encouraging spouses. I know I could always use a reminder! 

(For an even better list, sit down with your own husband this Valentine's Day and ask him, "How can I show you more respect?" I'm sure he will appreciate it.)

1) Don't nag. 

This sounds clichéd, but hey, I wouldn't mention it if wives didn't do it. If you've already asked your husband to do something, leave it at that. Be sure to be clear and precise if you need him to do something soon ("Are you busy right now? I need this in ten minutes.") If he tends to forget or is disorganized, have a system of sticky notes, a notepad, or an erasable board. You can still give reminders, but it's how you do it that matters. Tone of voice and choice of words make a big difference.

2) Don't mother him.

Sometimes I hear wives complain about how their husbands eat or dress. They use words like "no self-control" or "sloppy dresser." It's okay to help your husband make personal choices IF he has asked for your help (or if you offer it and he accepts it), but treating him like a child definitely does NOT show respect.

3) Don't micromanage.

This one's hard for some women. They send their husband to the store with a shopping list, then berate the man when he returns with the 'wrong' items. Or if their husband did not chop the carrots the 'right' way. Or fold the napkins 'just so'. If your husband is serving you, be grateful.

4) Spend time with him, doing things he likes.

Wives and husbands don't always share the same tastes, making compromise a crucial part of marriage. But sometimes, no compromise is better. If your husband has a hobby or interest that he really enjoys, he would love it even more if you did it with him… without complaining. How would you feel if every time you get your knitting needles out, your husband says, "Oh, are you making some fuzzy wooly thing with your sticks again?" That's how husbands feel when wives make disdainful comments about sports, action movies, etc. You don't have to love their hobbies. You don't even have to understand them. But know that when you speak ill of what your husband loves, you speak ill of him.

5) If you ask for his opinion, listen.

The classic "Does this make me look fat?" scenario is a no-win situation for a husband, unless the wife really wants his honest opinion. Do you trust your husband enough to ask for his opinion? And do you respect his viewpoint when he gives it? When your husband gives his opinion, take it into consideration.

6) Show gratitude for his help.

'Thank you' are two small words that are often forgotten in a marriage. We get comfortable. We get lazy. We expect our husbands to help with the housework, the children, and bringing home the bacon. But we can still say 'thank you'.

7) Talk to him like an adult.

When there are bigger issues to be confronted (financial, marital, familial), set up a meeting time to discuss it. Present the issue and give him time to respond. Work together to find a solution.

8) Defend him. Support him.

When wives get together, the conversation sometimes veer towards negatives comments about their husbands. All it takes is one person to say, "I can't believe my husband did this the other day…" and a second person to add, "My husband does that too…." Be the one to break this up by saying something positive about your husband. Brag about him as much as possible. Give him moments to shine, when you're together and when you're apart.

9) Listen to him.

This is related to #5, but, really, I can't stress it enough. Husbands need wives to just listen, "without external eye-rolling" (my husband's words).  Let me add that internal eye-rolling is also a no-no. If you ever catch yourself thinking, "Here he goes again!" or "Does he REALLY think that's a good idea?", that is internal eye-rolling. Husbands should feel safe when sharing their opinions, thoughts, dreams, and emotions to their wives. They should also feel free to speak for themselves in the presence of their wives. Women are stereotyped as the "talker", right? That's because sometimes we interrupt, get defensive, or try to dominate with our words. Try holding back– biting your tongue if you have to– and listening to your husband with the only intention of wanting to know his mind and heart.

10) Pray for him and with him.

Our husbands NEED prayer. Popular culture does not support men. Many boys are growing up without great male role models. Wives, we play the most influential role in the lives of our husbands. We can make a difference, for our present AND future generations!

Caring for the Sparrows

My daughter rushed in from the backyard.

"Mom, there's a bird outside and it's hurt!"

I followed her out and saw my other children standing by some old branches. There, in the dirt, was a little sparrow. Its feathers were fluffed out, it was missing an eye, and it was sitting very still, as if it wanted to hide. I quietly walked over to it, and with little trouble, gently picked it up.

We brought the bird inside and prepared a box for it. As far I could tell, there wasn't much wrong with the bird. The eye injury was old and its wings weren't broken. But the little bird couldn't fly. My children were delighted with the prospect of a sparrow for a pet. They named it 'Cocoa' and watched over it as it tucked its head under a wing and took a nap.

But, a few hours later, delight turned to sorrow. Cocoa started to contort its body in distress, and soon, it was lying still in my daughter's hand. The children buried Cocoa outside (and somehow managed to misspell the name). I found my middle daughter crying later, and I let her cry. I told her that we did what we could, but we couldn't fix an internal problem. Nevertheless, the bird was able to rest (and die) in a warm, safe environment, and that it was good to care for living things, even if, in the end, we got nothing in return.

I'm saddened to think that our world doesn't always agree with that last statement. The more I read and hear about current trends, the more I see a shift in how we care for the weak, helpless, and needy. At the top of the list are the elderly, the disabled, the sick, and babies (born and unborn). Next on the list are neighbors, acquaintances, and family members who require more of our time, money, or energy. 

We as humans naturally find it easier to care for people who can care back. It is easier to love those who can give us something in return. But is that how God sees us? Is that how He sees the sparrows? No, God cares for the sparrows (see Luke 12:6) though the sparrows can do nothing for God. And in the same way, God loves us, though we are of no benefit to Him. In fact, God's love for us COST Him something– His own son. And He does shed tears for us when He sees us hurting.

My family didn't make any big sacrifices for the little sparrow (we didn't catch any disease or parasite, we didn't spend any money besides buying a bag of bird seed) but I am still glad for the reminder that we need to care for the 'sparrows', even if it is at great cost to us.