Respect, Practically Speaking (Part 1)

We were getting ready for an outing. I was in charge of the lunches. My husband was in charge of the directions.

"Did you already look up the address?" my husband asked me.

"No," I answered. "Because you said you'd do it."

"Thank you," my husband replied.

"For what?"

"For not jumping in and micromanaging."

And that was when it dawned on me. Showing my husband respect is not always as easy as saying the words "I respect you". Oftentimes, we wives unknowingly do things that actually reflect the opposite (or in my case, I unknowingly DID show him respect). So, what IS respect? Webster's dictionary defines 'respect' as 'high or special regard'. What exactly does that mean?

It helps to remember that true respect is a matter of the heart. To hold someone in high regard means to think of him or her as your equal or better. Respect includes honor, value, and admiration, but not constant agreement. Obedience and compliance does not necessarily equal respect. Disrespect, on the other hand, means to think of the other person as inferior. It is a position of pride. 

But respect is not just internal; it spills over into our actions. Therefore, our actions will reflect, or reveal, a deeper heart issue that we may not be aware of. What then should respect look like in our marriages? How are we to show our husbands respect on a day-to-day basis? And how can we find the corners of our heart where we might be harboring some disrespect?

I asked some husbands for help and put together this practical list to help us out. These ten actions are not exclusive to wives (husbands should review it too!) but they are things that women tend to do more often than men. Either way, we could all do better at being more loving and encouraging spouses. I know I could always use a reminder! 

(For an even better list, sit down with your own husband this Valentine's Day and ask him, "How can I show you more respect?" I'm sure he will appreciate it.)

1) Don't nag. 

This sounds clichéd, but hey, I wouldn't mention it if wives didn't do it. If you've already asked your husband to do something, leave it at that. Be sure to be clear and precise if you need him to do something soon ("Are you busy right now? I need this in ten minutes.") If he tends to forget or is disorganized, have a system of sticky notes, a notepad, or an erasable board. You can still give reminders, but it's how you do it that matters. Tone of voice and choice of words make a big difference.

2) Don't mother him.

Sometimes I hear wives complain about how their husbands eat or dress. They use words like "no self-control" or "sloppy dresser." It's okay to help your husband make personal choices IF he has asked for your help (or if you offer it and he accepts it), but treating him like a child definitely does NOT show respect.

3) Don't micromanage.

This one's hard for some women. They send their husband to the store with a shopping list, then berate the man when he returns with the 'wrong' items. Or if their husband did not chop the carrots the 'right' way. Or fold the napkins 'just so'. If your husband is serving you, be grateful.

4) Spend time with him, doing things he likes.

Wives and husbands don't always share the same tastes, making compromise a crucial part of marriage. But sometimes, no compromise is better. If your husband has a hobby or interest that he really enjoys, he would love it even more if you did it with him… without complaining. How would you feel if every time you get your knitting needles out, your husband says, "Oh, are you making some fuzzy wooly thing with your sticks again?" That's how husbands feel when wives make disdainful comments about sports, action movies, etc. You don't have to love their hobbies. You don't even have to understand them. But know that when you speak ill of what your husband loves, you speak ill of him.

5) If you ask for his opinion, listen.

The classic "Does this make me look fat?" scenario is a no-win situation for a husband, unless the wife really wants his honest opinion. Do you trust your husband enough to ask for his opinion? And do you respect his viewpoint when he gives it? When your husband gives his opinion, take it into consideration.

6) Show gratitude for his help.

'Thank you' are two small words that are often forgotten in a marriage. We get comfortable. We get lazy. We expect our husbands to help with the housework, the children, and bringing home the bacon. But we can still say 'thank you'.

7) Talk to him like an adult.

When there are bigger issues to be confronted (financial, marital, familial), set up a meeting time to discuss it. Present the issue and give him time to respond. Work together to find a solution.

8) Defend him. Support him.

When wives get together, the conversation sometimes veer towards negatives comments about their husbands. All it takes is one person to say, "I can't believe my husband did this the other day…" and a second person to add, "My husband does that too…." Be the one to break this up by saying something positive about your husband. Brag about him as much as possible. Give him moments to shine, when you're together and when you're apart.

9) Listen to him.

This is related to #5, but, really, I can't stress it enough. Husbands need wives to just listen, "without external eye-rolling" (my husband's words).  Let me add that internal eye-rolling is also a no-no. If you ever catch yourself thinking, "Here he goes again!" or "Does he REALLY think that's a good idea?", that is internal eye-rolling. Husbands should feel safe when sharing their opinions, thoughts, dreams, and emotions to their wives. They should also feel free to speak for themselves in the presence of their wives. Women are stereotyped as the "talker", right? That's because sometimes we interrupt, get defensive, or try to dominate with our words. Try holding back– biting your tongue if you have to– and listening to your husband with the only intention of wanting to know his mind and heart.

10) Pray for him and with him.

Our husbands NEED prayer. Popular culture does not support men. Many boys are growing up without great male role models. Wives, we play the most influential role in the lives of our husbands. We can make a difference, for our present AND future generations!