The Fruit of the Spirit is...

Becoming One

Fourteen years.

Fourteen years, seven children, five moves, four career changes.

One body.

If you ask me, "What is the greatest lesson you've learned in these past fourteen years of marriage?" I would say, "There are, in fact, two great lessons.

"The first is a lesson concerning my relationship with God. Through my marriage, God has shown me what unconditional love really means. My husband's love for me, in all the ways he forgives me and accepts me, is a tangible reflection of God's deep love for me. (All credit goes to my husband for being so diligent in loving me!)

"The second is a lesson concerning my relationship with my husband, that marriage doesn't work if the two people involved don't strive to be truly ONE. One path, one mind, one heart, one body… 'two becoming one' (Genesis 2:24) is foundational for a marriage to flourish."

And this doesn't happen right away. Fourteen years ago, my husband and I were two people with our own ideas and expectations of what our marriage would look like. I still wanted to do things the same way I've always done them. I was stubborn and proud, believing that what I had learned through my experiences in college and work could carry me through this new adventure. 

But what the world had taught me was counter to what my marriage needed. Having grown up in a feminist culture (and attending UC Berkeley on top of that), I believed that a woman is capable, with or without a man. Though a part of me still wanted very much to be a wife and stay-at-home mom, I strived to be strong, independent, and self-reliant– the modern woman. Which, in marriage, does not work so well, because marriage is not about living in the same space as your spouse. It is about sacrificing part of yourself in order to live the same life as your spouse.

I know now that being dependent on my husband is not a sign of weakness. Together, we are stronger. But in order to be dependent, I must give up some of my independence. I must let go of some of my identity as I am changed and shaped (for the better!) by this other person in my life. This is the only way to truly join our lives together: we mold ourselves to fit the other person. Picture two puzzle pieces– in some places, our curves fit together easily, but in other places, rough edges, bumps, and sharp points need to be sanded down and softened in order for the pieces to fit perfectly. This doesn't mean I'm shackling myself to my husband and becoming a mindless robot; it means I share my joys and burdens with him, that we combine our wisdom when it comes to decision-making, that I make sacrifices so that my husband can trust me and depend on me, just as he does for me. 

Ephesians 5:28-33 says, In the same way husbands [and wives] should love their [spouses] as their own bodies. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Someday I hope to be able to care for my husband as naturally as I care for my own body. But for now, I still have much to  learn. Oftentimes, I am self-centered, stubborn, and impatient. I say and do hurtful things. My hope is that in fourteen years, I will be less self-centered, stubborn and impatient with my husband. And the only way to reach that goal is to make oneness a habit by practicing certain actions. Here are some actions you can practice too:

- Be one in spirit. Pray together. Pray apart. Pray for each other. Ask your spouse how you can pray specifically for him/her. You will not always grow spiritually at the same rate, but you can share with your spouse what God has been teaching you, and in that way, grow together.

- Be one in mind. Make decisions together, even if it is inconvenient to wait for your spouse to come home or answer the phone. Of course, not every decision needs your spouse's approval ("Do I go to the store first or the bank first?), but sometimes even what seems small and inconsequential to you may mean more to your spouse than you think. (cue: "I wanted to decide on our son's birthday present together." or "I wish you had checked with me before you said 'yes' to that.") There is nothing wrong with personal goals, but be sure that the pursuit of a goal is best for both people, not just one.

- Be one in heart. Listen to your spouse when he/she shares his/her opinions and emotions with you. Don't be disparaging or belittling about what he/she thinks and feels.

- Be one in body. Connect physically often, just as you would connect emotionally.

- Be one in public. Speak only positively about your spouse when other people are around. Remember, you are ONE. If you say something biting or discouraging about your spouse, you are hurting yourself. If you and your spouse have an issue, talk with each other first. Then, if needed, invite a trusted friend to help. Otherwise, say only kind, encouraging words of praise about your spouse when you talk to your children, your mom, your co-workers, your friends… you get the idea.

Be Bored This Summer

"I'm bored!"

It's inevitable, isn't it? Summer is only half-way over and the kids don't know what to do with all their free time. And they expect you to do something about it.

Now don't get me wrong. Summer is the best time for playdates and outings with your kids. But don't feel the need to be the one shuttling your children from one activity to another all summer! There are plenty of articles out there (like this one) that says "boredom" is a good thing! I'm not a psychologist or child development expert, but I have seen it first hand. "I'm bored" in my house is code for "I want to watch a movie." I respond with, "Here's a list of chores you can help me with" and the child disappears. Ten minutes later, I see this child painting a picture, or inventing a new game outside, or playing with a sibling. Boredom, in the right setting, can open the door to fun and creativity.

And what is the right setting? A place where the child has the space to explore (with boundaries, of course) both physically and mentally. Outside, they can dig or build without feeling like they are going to ruin the carefully-landscaped yard. Inside, they have access to books, paper, craft materials, musical instruments, and open-ended toys. What they are NOT doing is numbing their minds with television and the Internet, which is what our current culture tends to do to fill "dead" time.

Remember, boredom isn't simply something the "experts" recommend. God made us to need down-time. He even commands it! 

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day is a Sabbath of solemn rest, a holy convocation. You shall do no work. It is a Sabbath to the Lord in all your dwelling places. ~Leviticus 23:2

When we rest, we have time to ponder. We meditate. We absorb. Giving your children a time of inactivity allows them to reflect on their own emotions and thoughts. Then their minds know better what they need: to imagine, to sleep, to pray, to process, to problem-solve, to explore. In my family, we ALL rest for an hour on Sundays, regardless of how the children are feeling. And if we've had several busy days in a row, I oftentimes say 'no' to an activity in order to give the children's minds a chance to catch up with their bodies.

This summer, take away the remote, the smart phone, or the Wii every now and then. Give your child's mind the freedom to roam. If you're going on a road trip, feel free to turn off the DVD player or the music. Tell your kids why. Role model it by saying, "Mom and Dad need quiet time sometimes, just to think. And to enjoy the scenery. And each other." Great conversations and shared memories can sprout from these moments.

So go ahead! Be a little bored this summer!

The Pressure's Off, Moms!

No mother in all of history was able to protect her child from everything. And no mother in all of history parented without ever making a mistake.

So why am I bombarded with the message that I am guilty of being a horrible mother if I don't do everything I can to guard my child from harm? And when I say harm, I don't mean war and wild animals. I live in a suburb of San Francisco. The "harm" I encounter is non-organic produce, dirt, and allergies. I constantly feel the pressure to keep up with what I read on the Internet and hear on the news: sunblock is good, sunblock is bad; co-sleeping is good, co-sleeping is bad; protein is good, gluten is bad, milk is both good and bad. Trying to keep up with this trivial minutia can be more discouraging than helpful! I am already mindful of my children's safety, trying to feed them a variety of good foods, educate them, keep them healthy and rested… and still, it's not enough. Somehow, if I miss something, my children will either get cancer or not be admitted into the college of their choice (which means they will become unhappy, unproductive members of society, homeless or living in my basement).

I am grateful that when I am plagued by thoughts of failure, I can lean on the ultimate Source of peace and wisdom. Didn't God promise that He would provide all that we need, from physical needs such as food and clothes to spiritual needs such as faith and wisdom?

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ~Matthew 6:25

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence… ~2 Peter 1:3

Jesus tells us to give our worries and anxieties to him and  to trust Him with the details. Our children are in His hands all the time. Which means that I don't need to live like a fearful mother hen or an ever-watchful, Super Mom robot. Yes, my children will get sick. Yes, they will fall down. Yes, they will eat dirt. Yes, they will encounter bullies. And yes, they will eat something that contains high fructose corn syrup and articial flavoring. My fears will still come and go, but I don't need to live in fear. God will give me calmness and peace in any circumstance, which allows me to spend more time actually enjoying my children. One of my favorite verses right now is this:

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light. ~Matthew 11:28-30

My husband and I were up all night with a vomiting child for the second time this week. We are definitely feeling weary today. But these words are a comfort! We can find rest in God's arms– not just rest for our bodies, but rest for our souls.