Fourteen years.
Fourteen years, seven children, five moves, four career changes.
Fourteen years, seven children, five moves, four career changes.
One body.
If you ask me, "What is the greatest lesson you've learned in these past fourteen years of marriage?" I would say, "There are, in fact, two great lessons.
"The first is a lesson concerning my relationship with God. Through my marriage, God has shown me what unconditional love really means. My husband's love for me, in all the ways he forgives me and accepts me, is a tangible reflection of God's deep love for me. (All credit goes to my husband for being so diligent in loving me!)
"The second is a lesson concerning my relationship with my husband, that marriage doesn't work if the two people involved don't strive to be truly ONE. One path, one mind, one heart, one body… 'two becoming one' (Genesis 2:24) is foundational for a marriage to flourish."
And this doesn't happen right away. Fourteen years ago, my husband and I were two people with our own ideas and expectations of what our marriage would look like. I still wanted to do things the same way I've always done them. I was stubborn and proud, believing that what I had learned through my experiences in college and work could carry me through this new adventure.
But what the world had taught me was counter to what my marriage needed. Having grown up in a feminist culture (and attending UC Berkeley on top of that), I believed that a woman is capable, with or without a man. Though a part of me still wanted very much to be a wife and stay-at-home mom, I strived to be strong, independent, and self-reliant– the modern woman. Which, in marriage, does not work so well, because marriage is not about living in the same space as your spouse. It is about sacrificing part of yourself in order to live the same life as your spouse.
I know now that being dependent on my husband is not a sign of weakness. Together, we are stronger. But in order to be dependent, I must give up some of my independence. I must let go of some of my identity as I am changed and shaped (for the better!) by this other person in my life. This is the only way to truly join our lives together: we mold ourselves to fit the other person. Picture two puzzle pieces– in some places, our curves fit together easily, but in other places, rough edges, bumps, and sharp points need to be sanded down and softened in order for the pieces to fit perfectly. This doesn't mean I'm shackling myself to my husband and becoming a mindless robot; it means I share my joys and burdens with him, that we combine our wisdom when it comes to decision-making, that I make sacrifices so that my husband can trust me and depend on me, just as he does for me.
Ephesians 5:28-33 says, In the same way husbands [and wives] should love their [spouses] as their own bodies. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Someday I hope to be able to care for my husband as naturally as I care for my own body. But for now, I still have much to learn. Oftentimes, I am self-centered, stubborn, and impatient. I say and do hurtful things. My hope is that in fourteen years, I will be less self-centered, stubborn and impatient with my husband. And the only way to reach that goal is to make oneness a habit by practicing certain actions. Here are some actions you can practice too:
- Be one in spirit. Pray together. Pray apart. Pray for each other. Ask your spouse how you can pray specifically for him/her. You will not always grow spiritually at the same rate, but you can share with your spouse what God has been teaching you, and in that way, grow together.
- Be one in mind. Make decisions together, even if it is inconvenient to wait for your spouse to come home or answer the phone. Of course, not every decision needs your spouse's approval ("Do I go to the store first or the bank first?), but sometimes even what seems small and inconsequential to you may mean more to your spouse than you think. (cue: "I wanted to decide on our son's birthday present together." or "I wish you had checked with me before you said 'yes' to that.") There is nothing wrong with personal goals, but be sure that the pursuit of a goal is best for both people, not just one.
- Be one in heart. Listen to your spouse when he/she shares his/her opinions and emotions with you. Don't be disparaging or belittling about what he/she thinks and feels.
- Be one in body. Connect physically often, just as you would connect emotionally.
- Be one in public. Speak only positively about your spouse when other people are around. Remember, you are ONE. If you say something biting or discouraging about your spouse, you are hurting yourself. If you and your spouse have an issue, talk with each other first. Then, if needed, invite a trusted friend to help. Otherwise, say only kind, encouraging words of praise about your spouse when you talk to your children, your mom, your co-workers, your friends… you get the idea.
Ephesians 5:28-33 says, In the same way husbands [and wives] should love their [spouses] as their own bodies. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Someday I hope to be able to care for my husband as naturally as I care for my own body. But for now, I still have much to learn. Oftentimes, I am self-centered, stubborn, and impatient. I say and do hurtful things. My hope is that in fourteen years, I will be less self-centered, stubborn and impatient with my husband. And the only way to reach that goal is to make oneness a habit by practicing certain actions. Here are some actions you can practice too:
- Be one in spirit. Pray together. Pray apart. Pray for each other. Ask your spouse how you can pray specifically for him/her. You will not always grow spiritually at the same rate, but you can share with your spouse what God has been teaching you, and in that way, grow together.
- Be one in mind. Make decisions together, even if it is inconvenient to wait for your spouse to come home or answer the phone. Of course, not every decision needs your spouse's approval ("Do I go to the store first or the bank first?), but sometimes even what seems small and inconsequential to you may mean more to your spouse than you think. (cue: "I wanted to decide on our son's birthday present together." or "I wish you had checked with me before you said 'yes' to that.") There is nothing wrong with personal goals, but be sure that the pursuit of a goal is best for both people, not just one.
- Be one in heart. Listen to your spouse when he/she shares his/her opinions and emotions with you. Don't be disparaging or belittling about what he/she thinks and feels.
- Be one in body. Connect physically often, just as you would connect emotionally.
- Be one in public. Speak only positively about your spouse when other people are around. Remember, you are ONE. If you say something biting or discouraging about your spouse, you are hurting yourself. If you and your spouse have an issue, talk with each other first. Then, if needed, invite a trusted friend to help. Otherwise, say only kind, encouraging words of praise about your spouse when you talk to your children, your mom, your co-workers, your friends… you get the idea.
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