If you've been following along in this seven-part series, you can see by now how I am NOT a SuperMom.
- I don't try to do everything. (See Tip #1, "Focus on the Essentials".)
- I don't parent alone. (Tip #2, "Communicate with your Spouse".)
- I rely on others and ask for help. (Tip #3, "Find a Community".)
Where did we ever get this idea that we as parents need to conquer all mountains, alone?!
Here's another refutation of a common misconception:
My children are not perfectly well-behaved all the time.
I have to say this because there are people out there who see my children sitting quietly for a few minutes and think, "Lucky her! Her children are so well-behaved! Mine are crazy!"
My children can be crazy too. My toddlers are impatient and temperamental, just like other toddlers. My older children can be selfish, competitive, whiny, and out-of-control, just like other children. Yes, some children are more energetic or fussy or stubborn than others, but no child is always kind, patient, and self-controlled. They need guidance and teaching in that arena. And if my children seem to be more well-behaved than yours, I give credit to this:
Tip #4) Give Them Boundaries, Give Them Consequences, Give Them Responsibilities, Give Them Grace
- I don't try to do everything. (See Tip #1, "Focus on the Essentials".)
- I don't parent alone. (Tip #2, "Communicate with your Spouse".)
- I rely on others and ask for help. (Tip #3, "Find a Community".)
Where did we ever get this idea that we as parents need to conquer all mountains, alone?!
Here's another refutation of a common misconception:
My children are not perfectly well-behaved all the time.
I have to say this because there are people out there who see my children sitting quietly for a few minutes and think, "Lucky her! Her children are so well-behaved! Mine are crazy!"
My children can be crazy too. My toddlers are impatient and temperamental, just like other toddlers. My older children can be selfish, competitive, whiny, and out-of-control, just like other children. Yes, some children are more energetic or fussy or stubborn than others, but no child is always kind, patient, and self-controlled. They need guidance and teaching in that arena. And if my children seem to be more well-behaved than yours, I give credit to this:
Tip #4) Give Them Boundaries, Give Them Consequences, Give Them Responsibilities, Give Them Grace
I'm using repetition to help make this tip stick, but I really could have said it in one word: discipline.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, discipline comes from discipulus, the Latin word for pupil. When your child is naughty and you're thinking "Ugh, it's time to discipline my kid," remember that the word disciple comes from that same root.
Discipline isn't about punishment. It's about training. Children (and adults too) get good at what they practice, so parents must give children opportunities to practice kindness, patience, self-control, etc. This takes time (what seems like endless weeks, months, and years of wanting to pull your hair out) but it does work.
So let's go through the four aspects of discipline.
First, children from an early age need to learn what is allowed and not allowed. As soon as they understand "no" but do it anyway (usually around 18 months of age), they know what a boundary is and how fun it is to cross it. Boundaries include expected behavior in certain situations (eating at a restaurant, shopping at the store, visiting the library), expected rules of the household (no jumping on the couch or writing on the wall, say 'please' and 'thank you'), and also how to treat people. Many boundaries are simple, everyday rules, and all it takes is a gentle reminder until the child remembers for him/herself. But if you wait too long to set boundaries, it may be harder down the road to enforce them.
*Mini-tip - If what your child is doing is inappropriate in the present situation, you can explain to him/her times when their action is appropriate. For example, throwing rocks at the window isn't a good idea, but throwing rocks into an empty field is okay. Drawing on the wall is not permitted, so let's draw on a piece of paper instead. Running and shouting is great at a park, but not in a restaurant. And if you are able, give them the choice of the alternates. "Would you like to go outside for a walk while we wait for our food to come?"
Second, along with boundaries, your child needs consequences. I like using the word 'consequences' rather than 'punishment' because children understand consequences, and consequences may be good or bad. Be careful on the stairs or you may fall; touch Dad's mug and you might get burned; eating dirt is not as tasty as eating cake; work hard on a project and you win a blue ribbon. These are natural consequences. So, if possible, make your consequences as natural as possible; they should be directly linked to the action. If your son forgets to load the dishwasher and your family is about to sit down for a movie, your son will need to miss the first ten minutes of the movie to finish his chore. If your daughter finishes her dinner, then she may have dessert.
But what about rules with no easy, tangible consequences? We want our children to obey us when it matters, like not running into the street, for example. The natural consequence of a child running into the street when a car is approaching is not one that anyone would like to see happen. That is when spanking, time out, and removal of privileges come into play.
Third, children should be given responsibilities. I certainly could not run my household of ten without the help of my older children! We have a chore chart that covers the dishes, wiping and sweeping after meals, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, and cooking. The older children rotate through the tasks on a weekly basis. The younger children have set chores like setting the table, putting away toys and shoes, and wiping the hall mirror. Every Saturday morning, the whole family spends about an hour cleaning the house and "resetting" it for the next week. When we clean together, we have less grumbling and more fun (sometimes we put on energetic music to get us moving!) Children, when given responsibilities, gain a sense of ownership and are less likely to feel entitled.
*Mini-tip - If your child grumbles when you ask him/her to do a chore, say, "Let's do it together!"
Lastly, you have to give your children grace. Grace and discipline must go hand in hand. Without rules and consequences, grace is lost. It would be like (on a much smaller scale) giving an ice cream sundae to your child every day for every meal, then offering an ice cream sundae on his/her birthday as a treat. But without grace, discipline is about performance, not learning. The child will quickly begin to perceive discipline as "hoops" to jump through, and they will not understand the parent's love behind it.
Your child will fail. Just like you fail. And there will be times when a consequence is needed, but times when a hug and a talk is better. During those talks, share about your own failures. Share about God's grace. Tell your child how none of us deserve this grace, but how God gives it to us anyway. This is the best lesson your child could ever learn from you.
I hope you find this post helpful and somewhat practical. I'm sorry I can't give you more specific practical ideas when it comes to discipline, because, really, there is no one answer when people ask me, "What do I do when my child…?" You may choose to spank, or not spank. You may allow cell phones, while your friend may not. A lot of it depends on the child's personality and needs too. I have one child who cried if you even frowned and raised your voice, another that only grew more stubborn with each spank. There is no one-size-fits-all. A big part of effective discipline is knowing your child. And having lots and lots of patience.
Discipline isn't about punishment. It's about training. Children (and adults too) get good at what they practice, so parents must give children opportunities to practice kindness, patience, self-control, etc. This takes time (what seems like endless weeks, months, and years of wanting to pull your hair out) but it does work.
So let's go through the four aspects of discipline.
First, children from an early age need to learn what is allowed and not allowed. As soon as they understand "no" but do it anyway (usually around 18 months of age), they know what a boundary is and how fun it is to cross it. Boundaries include expected behavior in certain situations (eating at a restaurant, shopping at the store, visiting the library), expected rules of the household (no jumping on the couch or writing on the wall, say 'please' and 'thank you'), and also how to treat people. Many boundaries are simple, everyday rules, and all it takes is a gentle reminder until the child remembers for him/herself. But if you wait too long to set boundaries, it may be harder down the road to enforce them.
*Mini-tip - If what your child is doing is inappropriate in the present situation, you can explain to him/her times when their action is appropriate. For example, throwing rocks at the window isn't a good idea, but throwing rocks into an empty field is okay. Drawing on the wall is not permitted, so let's draw on a piece of paper instead. Running and shouting is great at a park, but not in a restaurant. And if you are able, give them the choice of the alternates. "Would you like to go outside for a walk while we wait for our food to come?"
Second, along with boundaries, your child needs consequences. I like using the word 'consequences' rather than 'punishment' because children understand consequences, and consequences may be good or bad. Be careful on the stairs or you may fall; touch Dad's mug and you might get burned; eating dirt is not as tasty as eating cake; work hard on a project and you win a blue ribbon. These are natural consequences. So, if possible, make your consequences as natural as possible; they should be directly linked to the action. If your son forgets to load the dishwasher and your family is about to sit down for a movie, your son will need to miss the first ten minutes of the movie to finish his chore. If your daughter finishes her dinner, then she may have dessert.
But what about rules with no easy, tangible consequences? We want our children to obey us when it matters, like not running into the street, for example. The natural consequence of a child running into the street when a car is approaching is not one that anyone would like to see happen. That is when spanking, time out, and removal of privileges come into play.
Third, children should be given responsibilities. I certainly could not run my household of ten without the help of my older children! We have a chore chart that covers the dishes, wiping and sweeping after meals, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, and cooking. The older children rotate through the tasks on a weekly basis. The younger children have set chores like setting the table, putting away toys and shoes, and wiping the hall mirror. Every Saturday morning, the whole family spends about an hour cleaning the house and "resetting" it for the next week. When we clean together, we have less grumbling and more fun (sometimes we put on energetic music to get us moving!) Children, when given responsibilities, gain a sense of ownership and are less likely to feel entitled.
*Mini-tip - If your child grumbles when you ask him/her to do a chore, say, "Let's do it together!"
Lastly, you have to give your children grace. Grace and discipline must go hand in hand. Without rules and consequences, grace is lost. It would be like (on a much smaller scale) giving an ice cream sundae to your child every day for every meal, then offering an ice cream sundae on his/her birthday as a treat. But without grace, discipline is about performance, not learning. The child will quickly begin to perceive discipline as "hoops" to jump through, and they will not understand the parent's love behind it.
Your child will fail. Just like you fail. And there will be times when a consequence is needed, but times when a hug and a talk is better. During those talks, share about your own failures. Share about God's grace. Tell your child how none of us deserve this grace, but how God gives it to us anyway. This is the best lesson your child could ever learn from you.
I hope you find this post helpful and somewhat practical. I'm sorry I can't give you more specific practical ideas when it comes to discipline, because, really, there is no one answer when people ask me, "What do I do when my child…?" You may choose to spank, or not spank. You may allow cell phones, while your friend may not. A lot of it depends on the child's personality and needs too. I have one child who cried if you even frowned and raised your voice, another that only grew more stubborn with each spank. There is no one-size-fits-all. A big part of effective discipline is knowing your child. And having lots and lots of patience.
All this sounds overwhelming, but remember that you are not alone. All parents doubt their judgment at one time or another. We wonder if we are being too strict or protective, or too lenient and permissive. But the error is to not give any boundaries or responsibilities at all. Though it may seem loving to give a child everything he/she wants, it is not. If you are having a difficult time with your child, seek biblical counsel from other couples. Also, if you are interested in reading more on discipline, below is a link to my post from two years ago.
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