New Year's Thoughts

2018 flew by like a tornado. And like a tornado, I feel like the year left things in my life overturned, upset, and destroyed.

But in a surprisingly good way.

One thing that took me by surprise was the resurfacing of a deep, old pain–pain that I had thought I had outgrown long ago. I cried and cried because the pain felt so new. And I cried and cried because I realized that the resolution I wish for may never come. But that's what we have to do with this kind of pain, the kind that we cannot heal on our own; we have to unbury it, in order to raise it up to God. We have to trust that He can heal us, whether or not the situation changes.

Another thing that I did not see coming was some much-needed pruning. But before I could be pruned, I had to come face to face with my own ugliness. And boy was I ugly! I was mean, spiteful, angry, and bitter, in my thoughts AND in my actions. And, it hurts me to say this, the people I loved the most witnessed it all. But what a happy ending! As much as I wish to hide the uglier side of me, I actually needed the ugliness to come to the surface. Then there was no way that I could deny who I was inside while pretending that I am kind and loving on the outside. And the ugliness had to be uncovered so God was able to remove it. Like a thorn that is too deeply imbedded but needs to be pulled out. Or the dross in molten silver that needs to float to the top. 

2018 was not my shiniest year, or my easiest, but it was definitely a year of much growth. And as always, I am thankful for the words of Lamentations 3:19-24:

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

And because of God's great mercy, I can look forward to 2019 with hope. This New Year, I am not making a resolution to change what I do. Rather, I want to change what I want. I want to need the Word, so much that I can't end my day until I've immersed myself in it. I want to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. I want to act in love, not react in fear. In short, I want the words of Romans 12:9-11:

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 

What do you hope for in 2019?