Surviving the Teenage Years of Marriage

And so it begins, I tell myself.

These days, as I "visit" different "friends" on Facebook, I notice something more and more: relationship statuses have moved from "in a relationship" to "married" to "separated", or in some cases, back to "single".  How sad it is to remember the days when my friends and I celebrated life changes together–graduations, marriages, and parenthood. But no one is celebrating this life change.

There is something about the teen years of marriage. Many couples who make it to their 10th anniversary might think they are in the clear, but the roughest years may still be looming ahead. Why is that? Maybe the things that bothered spouses were easier to brush off earlier in the relationship. By the time a person's lived with another's habits, both good and bad, for more than ten years, those habits can grow tiresome. Maybe the couple stayed together for the sake of the kids, but couldn't do it anymore. Or maybe it's the clichéd "We're different people now. We've grown apart."

Whatever the reasons, let me say that there is a way to survive those years. I know this from experience. Last year, my husband and I had to work through some things that had been building up over time. I can see now how easy it was for resentment to build up slowly over time. It was a painful few months, and extremely difficult to expose myself in such a vulnerable way. But we got through it and our marriage is better than ever now; we have a better understanding and appreciation of each other.

Here are some steps to take. First, you must persevere, no matter how long it takes. Things can get better but it takes time to change habits ("...the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" Mark 1:38). Second, know that it requires energy to rediscover your first love. Just think back to when you and your spouse were dating… how much energy did you devote to your new relationship? It's true that the person you married isn't exactly that same person anymore, but it doesn't mean you can't fall in love with him/her all over again. Go on dates and talk like you used to. Ask questions as mundane as "What is your favorite color?" to questions as delving as "What are your fears? What are your dreams?" And third, talk through the tough stuff. If something is really bothering you, find the time to sit down and discuss it. Frustration left to fester grows into anger and bitterness. Unforgiveness and pride will be the death of your marriage (even if you don't get a divorce). Ask a third party (could be a professional, a pastor, or a friend) for help if you need it.

If you are feeling that there is no hope for your marriage, please, take heart! God can resurrect your marriage. You and your spouse can be celebrating your 20th, 30th, and 40th anniversaries with more joy than ever!

Rainy Days

Ugh, the winter doldrums.

The months after Christmas always feel the longest. We've had so many cold, rainy days lately that we can't play outside much. The dreary clouds start getting to everyone after a while too. I'm just plain tired. School feels tedious and my teenagers are discontent. The baby has been teething for weeks and still wakes two to three times a night. And while I feel like crawling into my bed and hibernating, my younger children have too much energy. I even suggested to my husband that we should petition to move Christmas to February or March, just so we have something joyful to look forward to during these dark months.

But the cold and the rain has also brought with them a new beauty. When I drive through our valley, I see snow sitting on the hills. Usually, if we get snow at all, the snow melts by the time the noonday sun shines on it. This year, we've had white on the hilltops for weeks. And every time I see those hills, I'm awed by the sight, and I remember these words:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

~Psalm 121:1-2 (ESV)

The God who makes the snow fall, the daffodils bloom, and the rainbows glow is helping me with the day-to-day. Because of that, I have joy and hope even when the winter feels long.

My "Secret" Valentine

It was the end of a long day. My husband had left for a church men's retreat right after breakfast. My solo time with the kids went well, but I was ready for bed myself when the last child finally kissed me good night.

But first, a chance to soak in the tub.

When I felt sufficiently relaxed, I wrapped a towel around me, climbed out of the tub, and slid on my glasses. That was when I saw it. 

With the steam swirling in the room, it could have been a trick of the light. I stepped closer to the mirror. I was almost sure that there were letters written on the glass. I shifted my angle. Yes! Mysteriously appearing on the mirror was this message, "I love you."

Hmmm…, I thought, intrigued. 

But fatigue was overtaking me. I finished dressing, flossed and brushed my teeth, and prepared to crawl into bed. And then, I saw it again!

On my fuzzy blue blanket were letters, difficult to see in the light, but clearly written by someone's hand. I could just make out the words: "I love you very much."

I wonder…, I thought again, before a hippo-sized yawn escaped my mouth. I laid down and snuggled into my blankets. Time for some zzz's. 

But then, my hand discovered something under my pillow. I unfolded the piece of paper and read "I love you more today than yesterday." This, I knew, was no accident. My husband had cleverly left me notes to remind me of his love while he was away. Feeling secure and well-loved, I settled back into my bed and drifted to sleep with a smile on my lips.

This story is actually fictitious (sorry if I disappoint you!). I do find hidden messages every now and then, but never so many at once. It was after finding such a message on my blanket one day that I got the revelation that God is very much like my "secret" valentine. He writes "I love you" not in letters but in His creation: a flying egret, a sprouting seed, an ocean's wave. People may argue that nature is all a matter of chance, but I see complexities and order that can only be the sign of a Creator. Just as letters cannot appear by themselves on a mirror, life cannot exist without an author. 

Then there is the note under the pillow. God gave us a note–the Bible–to send His message to us, loud and clear. If I can't see God in His creation, I can read about His love in the Bible. So God, my "secret" valentine, is not so secret after all, if I take the time to look for Him. He is saying "I love you!" everyday and everywhere.

Have you met your "secret" valentine yet?