Surviving the Teenage Years of Marriage

And so it begins, I tell myself.

These days, as I "visit" different "friends" on Facebook, I notice something more and more: relationship statuses have moved from "in a relationship" to "married" to "separated", or in some cases, back to "single".  How sad it is to remember the days when my friends and I celebrated life changes together–graduations, marriages, and parenthood. But no one is celebrating this life change.

There is something about the teen years of marriage. Many couples who make it to their 10th anniversary might think they are in the clear, but the roughest years may still be looming ahead. Why is that? Maybe the things that bothered spouses were easier to brush off earlier in the relationship. By the time a person's lived with another's habits, both good and bad, for more than ten years, those habits can grow tiresome. Maybe the couple stayed together for the sake of the kids, but couldn't do it anymore. Or maybe it's the clichéd "We're different people now. We've grown apart."

Whatever the reasons, let me say that there is a way to survive those years. I know this from experience. Last year, my husband and I had to work through some things that had been building up over time. I can see now how easy it was for resentment to build up slowly over time. It was a painful few months, and extremely difficult to expose myself in such a vulnerable way. But we got through it and our marriage is better than ever now; we have a better understanding and appreciation of each other.

Here are some steps to take. First, you must persevere, no matter how long it takes. Things can get better but it takes time to change habits ("...the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" Mark 1:38). Second, know that it requires energy to rediscover your first love. Just think back to when you and your spouse were dating… how much energy did you devote to your new relationship? It's true that the person you married isn't exactly that same person anymore, but it doesn't mean you can't fall in love with him/her all over again. Go on dates and talk like you used to. Ask questions as mundane as "What is your favorite color?" to questions as delving as "What are your fears? What are your dreams?" And third, talk through the tough stuff. If something is really bothering you, find the time to sit down and discuss it. Frustration left to fester grows into anger and bitterness. Unforgiveness and pride will be the death of your marriage (even if you don't get a divorce). Ask a third party (could be a professional, a pastor, or a friend) for help if you need it.

If you are feeling that there is no hope for your marriage, please, take heart! God can resurrect your marriage. You and your spouse can be celebrating your 20th, 30th, and 40th anniversaries with more joy than ever!